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Projection v/s Reality

the_pet

the_pet

Literotica Guru
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Posts
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BiBunny's post about being painfully shy....when i noticed she tries to project the image of being such a BITCH made me wonder how many other of us overcompensate for our insecurities to the point of it being quite obvious. Like for instance i'm very personable and friendly because it conceals that i'm actually very private and untrusting of others, aloof and wary. Like when i was amazed that so many were "shocked" ~gasp~ that someone was offended by thin remarks when they splash nude images daily of themselves on the internet....ah DUH! i think IMO it's obvious "that's why" they posted images of themselves constantly because "they were" so insecure about their looks.

Everyone feel free to ignore me and pretend this doesn't apply to you...the rest of us have you figured out anyway:rolleyes:


pet
 
Negative defense mechanisms come in all shape and sizes...not excusing them of course because they are often destructive to others as well as to the one who is using them.

Going out of one's way to point out the faults of others is a good example of what I am referring to.

When people confront others regarding their faults, my estimation of a person tends to rise or fall depending on the sincerity of their motives. Are they taking a cheap shot or are they trying to help them.

Captain obvious in my opinion is a superhero when he is used to confess or expose one's own faults, but when used to point out the faults of others, he is more often a supervillian.

Sometimes I don't mind it though because it gives me the oportunity to rip off his cape and wank all over his leotards.
 
We see ourselves differently than others see us. Usually, we are more critical of ourselves than others are, too.

I truly don't know if people who know me in real life would say, after reading my text here, that I am the same person they know. I'm inclined to think so, but again, my reality is MINE and their's is different. Which one is truer, I don't know.

I know certain things about myself. I am not a bully. But I'll tell a rube to fuck off here and in real life. I have little patience for foolishness and I'll say so if it's put in my face, otherwise, I'll keep walking (or click out.) I don't believe in wasting my time with comments that are not going to be heeded or will not be found helpful. I will back away from a fight and allow others to beat me stupid before I'll fight back. I do that here and in real life.

I know that profound circumstances change us profoundly. I know this is true for me. I'm not the same person I was 2 or 3 years ago. I know there are others here who can say the same thing.

If people don't change, they might as well be dead. If people can't make their lives and those of others around them better (than they might have done in the past) they may as well go live alone in a cave. And if people can't see the wisdom of others and heed their words (not to mean, that one must DO what someone says but acknowledge that there is experience and wisdom there), I have no time for those people.

We are the sum of lots of different things, people and circumstances that have come into our lives. We're always the same and we're always different. It's a wonderful fact of life.
 
Well, this is an interesting issue.

First, I'm not so sure that defense mechanisms are something to be critical of period. They are after all, defense mechanisms. They speak, in their own way, to the experiences and life of an individual. By that I mean, if a person is shy and uses 'faux bitchiness' as a mask to that shyness, the more interesting point of interest is 'why was that defense mechanism chosen by the individual'? Not is it real bitchiness. It is as real as any other bitchiness to those who encounter it [ya know what I mean?]. It's just there for a different reason. The 'different reason' is far more interesting to explore IMO.

Another thing I've noticed in life is that we seem to take on cultural attitudes for things that are in fact normal. Defense mechanisms are normal. They are in fact a demonstration of an intact survival instinct. Some are better than others. Some become unnecessary after a while, and people do find them difficult to abandon. But the over all POV should be that they are in fact pretty healthy ways of dealing with an insane world.

Each individual has to deal with their own defenses if they become obstacles to the life he or she would like to live. Other wise, it doesn't really matter so much. If you hate your shyness, and it prevents you from living the life you desire, then it is worth looking at in order to try and overcome it. But, if you are say a writer, the shyness can give you the solitude you may need in order to write. It's not an either or thing, it depends on the needs of the individual. Some defense mechanisms fit the needs of an individual well, others not so much. It all depends.

But everyone has them. EVERYONE.

Most of the behavior is more normal that we like to think. Just like "attention". We all have heard it, "oh s/he just wants attention." We treat it like some kind of mental illness or character flaw, except we all want attention--no need attention. We say "Oh, s/he just wants attention, without recognizing it as a human need. Instead we treat it like flaw and not worthy of our attention.

Suicide attempts are another example. I've heard it way too often, "Oh it was just a cry for help." And that ends the matter. Like the need for attention, a cry for help is reduced to some irritation before afternoon cocktails. A denial of a 'cry for actual help'.

We've reduced it all to the umbrella of "Drama" in our culture and we're missing the reality of these very real human emotional needs.

Sure there are in fact people who dive to the extremes of 'needing attention', and drama and they simply suck the life out of everyone they meet. I'm not talking about those people. There are extremists. There always are. But, the majority of people fall into the normal range, and yet we dismiss it as something that needs to change in a person.

All that said, [and I did have a reason for saying it all] the defense mechanisms we all have are there for a reason. They aren't excuses we made up to deal with life. They were very real mechanisms we chose almost instinctively [or perhaps totally on instinct] to deal with some kind of danger. We might not remember when we chose it, but we did.

I understand the shyness, I really suffer from it. I was so shy as a young child and a teenager, that I was afraid to call information for a number. I was afraid she would yell at me and tell me not to waste her time. I developed a number of defense mechanisms. I generally used games to interject myself into social situations. I play pool, darts, chess, checkers, cards etc... almost all social settings have a game there too. I can use competition to become acquainted. Talking about a game as we play or a game on the TV, is less threatening to me and the people I used to meet. The game became a common denominator and also put less strain of the more stressful 'mating rituals' we go through when we go out socially.

I figured out this mechanism when I was about 30. and I see no reason to change it. I'm not aggressively competitive when out. I have fun. I do meet people. In fact, it works for me very well. I consider this an example of a mechanism that doesn't need to be changed.

Now if I was gambling and losing all my money and stealing to go out and compete--then that would be a problem. Not because of the mechanism itself, but because I had an addictive personality on top of everything else.

What I'm trying to say, is that defenses aren't mistakes a lot of the time. They are there for a VERY real reason. Best to discover the reasons for them before they are judged and attempts are made to rid ourselves of them.

Just my 2 cents.
 
Caitlynne said:
Well, this is an interesting issue.

First, I'm not so sure that defense mechanisms are something to be critical of period. They are after all, defense mechanisms. They speak, in their own way, to the experiences and life of an individual. By that I mean, if a person is shy and uses 'faux bitchiness' as a mask to that shyness, the more interesting point of interest is 'why was that defense mechanism chosen by the individual'? Not is it real bitchiness. It is as real as any other bitchiness to those who encounter it [ya know what I mean?]. It's just there for a different reason. The 'different reason' is far more interesting to explore IMO.

Another thing I've noticed in life is that we seem to take on cultural attitudes for things that are in fact normal. Defense mechanisms are normal. They are in fact a demonstration of an intact survival instinct. Some are better than others. Some become unnecessary after a while, and people do find them difficult to abandon. But the over all POV should be that they are in fact pretty healthy ways of dealing with an insane world.

Each individual has to deal with their own defenses if they become obstacles to the life he or she would like to live. Other wise, it doesn't really matter so much. If you hate your shyness, and it prevents you from living the life you desire, then it is worth looking at in order to try and overcome it. But, if you are say a writer, the shyness can give you the solitude you may need in order to write. It's not an either or thing, it depends on the needs of the individual. Some defense mechanisms fit the needs of an individual well, others not so much. It all depends.

But everyone has them. EVERYONE.

Most of the behavior is more normal that we like to think. Just like "attention". We all have heard it, "oh s/he just wants attention." We treat it like some kind of mental illness or character flaw, except we all want attention--no need attention. We say "Oh, s/he just wants attention, without recognizing it as a human need. Instead we treat it like flaw and not worthy of our attention.

Suicide attempts are another example. I've heard it way too often, "Oh it was just a cry for help." And that ends the matter. Like the need for attention, a cry for help is reduced to some irritation before afternoon cocktails. A denial of a 'cry for actual help'.

We've reduced it all to the umbrella of "Drama" in our culture and we're missing the reality of these very real human emotional needs.

Sure there are in fact people who dive to the extremes of 'needing attention', and drama and they simply suck the life out of everyone they meet. I'm not talking about those people. There are extremists. There always are. But, the majority of people fall into the normal range, and yet we dismiss it as something that needs to change in a person.

All that said, [and I did have a reason for saying it all] the defense mechanisms we all have are there for a reason. They aren't excuses we made up to deal with life. They were very real mechanisms we chose almost instinctively [or perhaps totally on instinct] to deal with some kind of danger. We might not remember when we chose it, but we did.

I understand the shyness, I really suffer from it. I was so shy as a young child and a teenager, that I was afraid to call information for a number. I was afraid she would yell at me and tell me not to waste her time. I developed a number of defense mechanisms. I generally used games to interject myself into social situations. I play pool, darts, chess, checkers, cards etc... almost all social settings have a game there too. I can use competition to become acquainted. Talking about a game as we play or a game on the TV, is less threatening to me and the people I used to meet. The game became a common denominator and also put less strain of the more stressful 'mating rituals' we go through when we go out socially.

I figured out this mechanism when I was about 30. and I see no reason to change it. I'm not aggressively competitive when out. I have fun. I do meet people. In fact, it works for me very well. I consider this an example of a mechanism that doesn't need to be changed.

Now if I was gambling and losing all my money and stealing to go out and compete--then that would be a problem. Not because of the mechanism itself, but because I had an addictive personality on top of everything else.

What I'm trying to say, is that defenses aren't mistakes a lot of the time. They are there for a VERY real reason. Best to discover the reasons for them before they are judged and attempts are made to rid ourselves of them.

Just my 2 cents.
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Agreed, hence me putting the word "negative" in front of it. Not all defense mechanisms are bad, or negative. I don't know if we would agree on what constitutes bad or negative, but I do agree to what you presented regarding them.
 
A Desert Rose said:
We see ourselves differently than others see us. Usually, we are more critical of ourselves than others are, too.

I truly don't know if people who know me in real life would say, after reading my text here, that I am the same person they know. I'm inclined to think so, but again, my reality is MINE and their's is different. Which one is truer, I don't know.

I know certain things about myself. I am not a bully. But I'll tell a rube to fuck off here and in real life. I have little patience for foolishness and I'll say so if it's put in my face, otherwise, I'll keep walking (or click out.) I don't believe in wasting my time with comments that are not going to be heeded or will not be found helpful. I will back away from a fight and allow others to beat me stupid before I'll fight back. I do that here and in real life.

I know that profound circumstances change us profoundly. I know this is true for me. I'm not the same person I was 2 or 3 years ago. I know there are others here who can say the same thing.

If people don't change, they might as well be dead. If people can't make their lives and those of others around them better (than they might have done in the past) they may as well go live alone in a cave. And if people can't see the wisdom of others and heed their words (not to mean, that one must DO what someone says but acknowledge that there is experience and wisdom there), I have no time for those people.

We are the sum of lots of different things, people and circumstances that have come into our lives. We're always the same and we're always different. It's a wonderful fact of life.
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I liked this post....:rose:
 
I certainly project something other than what I am or what I think I am. I have to in order to do my work and make things happen. I'm naturally very shy. I'm a public performer, volunteer and project coordinator.

When I was in college we did one of those "everyone say something nice about everyone else dealios" and apparently back then all people thought about me was how skinny, slinky or perky I was.

*vomits*

I was so hurt. I had a brain even back then. I was much more than my body type, a sex object or God forbid, perky!

Anyway, I never truly know what someone else thinks of me. Everyone is so nice. They say such nice things but hell that's polite in this society.

*shrug*

I do know some people around here take on the mantle of disliked person or bitch when really they are just insecure. I know I am too. Maybe we all are?

:rose:
 
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And RJ, I liked yours, too. :heart:

This all comes down to one simple thing:

Know yourself and be true to what you know. (Paraphrasing Shakespeare)

If you need a defense mechanism (which I'm not at all sure is what this is really about) and it works in your interests to make your life and those around you, better, then it's part of knowing and it's good.

If, in the end, it makes you more miserable and those around you imbalanced or worse, hurt, then some reflection is in order.

Know yourself and what works for you to be a better person and better for yourself, first. (If you can't be good to yourself, you're good for nothing and no one. I love double, triple, infinate negatives.)

It's really not difficult to understand. It's just very difficult to embrace and put to work in your life. And honestly, I believe it comes with life experiences and maturity. All the cliches, great quotes and platitudes in the world mean nothing until you reach a point where you finally have the discipline and wisdom to incorperate them into your life.
 
Well, I am a bitch. *Shrug* Anyone who knows me will tell you that. It comes from years of being stepped on because I'm shy. I'll be polite, but I'm not overly warm and friendly, either. Cold cordiality tends to keep most of the users away. They don't want to have to work too hard for it. The people who are my friends have gained enough of my trust that I don't feel like I have to keep them pushed away.

I dunno....:confused:
 
I know this stating the obvious but I think negative defence mechanisms are those which impact negatively not just on ourselves but also on the people who bare the brunt of them.
What concerns me a little i guess is that sometimes do we use this as an excuse? I mean is it a way of justfying to ourselves our negative characteristics.
Its learnt behaviour isn't it afterall.....shouldn't we just try to unlearn it rather than use the label as away of justifying bullying or bitchiness or abuse or possessiveness?

Not an answer...i'm just throwing it out there for discussion.

Its just that it appears to me that if we are aware enough to know we have a certain negative, behavioural trait, we should be aware enough to try and address it.
I have struggled with insecurity and possesiveness for a long time. Mainly due to previous relationships and the way my marriage ended. People are unreliable you know, I mean they have a tendency to keep leaving lol!

But I don't rejoice in the fact I am possessive. That to me is the equivalent of saying Woohoo everyone I'm a first class dickhead lets all celebrate that fact. Hell its a destructive trait I have, not one I am proud of and definitely one I intend to shed.
 
the_pet said:
Like when i was amazed that so many were "shocked" ~gasp~ that someone was offended by thin remarks when they splash nude images daily of themselves on the internet....ah DUH! i think IMO it's obvious "that's why" they posted images of themselves constantly because "they were" so insecure about their looks.



pet
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If you are referring to the remark I made yesterday, it had nothing to do with shock....believe me, after being on this forum since 2002, the few things which might have shocked me no longer can and nude pics on the net were never likely to be one of them seeing I have similar pics on the net myself (and have been featured in nude photos seen by others for well over 34 years now), though they are there at the orders of another. My point was, why publicly correct someone in a 'you were very stupid' manner for doing something far less widely seen than what others do here and elsewhere everyday and those same people correcting and criticising are either the ones posting their image or praising those that do.

IMHO it was hugely hyocritical and more of a 'do as I say, not as I do' situation where the same rules do not apply to everyone and that doesn't wash with me no matter what a person's issues may be. I figure once you pass a certain age, and begin having adult relationships, it is then up to you to begin reigning in your 'projective behaviour' as you say and act as an adult. If you can't do that, get help to deal with said issues. I too could have allowed myself to play victim right up to this day (after all, it is the perfect copout and works with so many people who will cater to your every need and cry for help...until they gt tired of it), but I preferred to be seen as and act as an adult, take responsibility for my life and actions, and have some hope of a stable life with another, so I addressed my issues one at a time and learned how to overcome them or at least disguise them enough that they do not impact on others who do not ask for it nor deserve it, It is all part of growing up. If a person chooses to remain the same, hit out at others for whatever reason with no smidgen of attempt to stop or change, then yes, they cannot expect those around them to step aside and get out of their way so they don't get bulldozed in the chaos of their life and uncontrollable emotions, nor to buy into making excuses for their behaviour...if that was the way of life, nearly all murderers could successfully argue their case for why they should not be punished for killing another.:rose:

Catalina:catroar:
 
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minx1 said:
I know this stating the obvious but I think negative defence mechanisms are those which impact negatively not just on ourselves but also on the people who bare the brunt of them.
What concerns me a little i guess is that sometimes do we use this as an excuse? I mean is it a way of justfying to ourselves our negative characteristics.
Its learnt behaviour isn't it afterall.....shouldn't we just try to unlearn it rather than use the label as away of justifying bullying or bitchiness or abuse or possessiveness?

Not an answer...i'm just throwing it out there for discussion.

Its just that it appears to me that if we are aware enough to know we have a certain negative, behavioural trait, we should be aware enough to try and address it.
I have struggled with insecurity and possesiveness for a long time. Mainly due to previous relationships and the way my marriage ended. People are unreliable you know, I mean they have a tendency to keep leaving lol!

But I don't rejoice in the fact I am possessive. That to me is the equivalent of saying Woohoo everyone I'm a first class dickhead lets all celebrate that fact. Hell its a destructive trait I have, not one I am proud of and definitely one I intend to shed.
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I keep thinking I'm done with this thread... LOL
And then you come along and say more things that make sense.

You said this: Its just that it appears to me that if we are aware enough to know we have a certain negative, behavioural trait, we should be aware enough to try and address it.

This is what I meant by wisdom and discipline. It takes discipline to change those things that have a negative impact on yourself and those around you. It would be easy for me to sit at this computor and call out some of these dolts for what they are. Would that be constructive? Nope. Would that change anything or anyone? Nope. Would I be happy with myself after? Nope. So what's the point and what's gained? Nothing. It's all time wasted that I'll never get back. Not to mention, it might be hurtful.

Some things would be easier to do. Important things take discipline.

And like you also said, we can find all kinds of excuses for bad behavior. I'm not going to list them, we've all read them. (My personal favorite is "I have a brain tumor, fuck you" although I've never used that one yet. LOL) There is no excuse. You own it, no matter what kind of behavior it is.

When I've been bitchy to someone because I'm having a hard time, I apologize for it and explain that I let outside events rule my life instead of controlling those events. That's not an excuse. It's an explaination for not keeping control of my behavior and my life. It's an explaination for not being responsible and disciplined enough to behave better. It's me owning my bad behavior and apologizing for it.

But in the end, if you're happy with and know who you are, then fine. Carry on. In my case, I keep finding that I'm not always happy with who I am and knowing I can be better than who I am.
 
I think I got a serious issue with this, and I don’t really know what it is I do.

The thing is almost everyone I know has their own personal version of who I am.

For example, one girl actually thought she knew me so well that she asked me out. When I rejected her and asked her reasons she said she liked “drifters”, as in those car nuts that slide around corners, when all I have done in the subject is go to D1 with friends.

So many people have wild misconceptions about me its crazy.

It might be that I withhold certain information from the public eye, leaving other with gaps to imaginatively fill in. I really don’t know.

Or it might be that I am rather calm and quiet until a subject of interest comes up, at which point I start raving with passion.

I got no clue.
 
RJMasters said:
Agreed, hence me putting the word "negative" in front of it. Not all defense mechanisms are bad, or negative. I don't know if we would agree on what constitutes bad or negative, but I do agree to what you presented regarding them.
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Agreed. Which was really my point. It all depends on the individual. What works for some, won't for another. It's another case of generalities getting in the way of understanding the individual.
 
A Desert Rose said:
It's really not difficult to understand. It's just very difficult to embrace and put to work in your life. And honestly, I believe it comes with life experiences and maturity. All the cliches, great quotes and platitudes in the world mean nothing until you reach a point where you finally have the discipline and wisdom to incorperate them into your life.
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**applauds**

From your mouth to the ears of the world. :cattail:
 
BiBunny said:
Well, I am a bitch. *Shrug* Anyone who knows me will tell you that. It comes from years of being stepped on because I'm shy. I'll be polite, but I'm not overly warm and friendly, either. Cold cordiality tends to keep most of the users away. They don't want to have to work too hard for it. The people who are my friends have gained enough of my trust that I don't feel like I have to keep them pushed away.

I dunno....:confused:
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I'm the same way. Not because I was ever shy. I'm not. But because I learned at a very young age that people can't be trusted. Especially the people you are supposed to be able to trust. Therefore I put up walls that are almost damn near impossible to get down. If someone gets past those..they are in for life. I have a hard time letting go of someone I've let get to know me.. Very few people on this earth truly know the real me. The bitch keeps most of them out..and it's kinda the way I prefer it. I also like most people get even more bitchy when I'm hurting about something.
 
nh23 said:
I'm the same way. Not because I was ever shy. I'm not. But because I learned at a very young age that people can't be trusted. Especially the people you are supposed to be able to trust. Therefore I put up walls that are almost damn near impossible to get down. If someone gets past those..they are in for life. I have a hard time letting go of someone I've let get to know me.. Very few people on this earth truly know the real me. The bitch keeps most of them out..and it's kinda the way I prefer it. I also like most people get even more bitchy when I'm hurting about something.
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Ditto. Isn't it so much fun to psychoanalyze?

There's a REASON Freud's ideas aren't considered really valid today, y'know?
 
BiBunny said:
Ditto. Isn't it so much fun to psychoanalyze?

There's a REASON Freud's ideas aren't considered really valid today, y'know?
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It's a ball. Now what would be more fun..let's diagnosis Lit. :devil:
 
nh23 said:
I'm the same way. Not because I was ever shy. I'm not. But because I learned at a very young age that people can't be trusted. Especially the people you are supposed to be able to trust. Therefore I put up walls that are almost damn near impossible to get down. If someone gets past those..they are in for life. I have a hard time letting go of someone I've let get to know me.. Very few people on this earth truly know the real me. The bitch keeps most of them out..and it's kinda the way I prefer it. I also like most people get even more bitchy when I'm hurting about something.
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This is an example of a classic "defense mechanism". You developed the behavior to protect yourself. This is one of my points. These aren't mechanisms developed willy nilly. They are there for a reason. It springs from a very real need to protect oneself. The need has to be discovered before the behavior can be altered.

Often the need goes away, but we're left with the mechanism. Sometimes it has a negative influence on the life of the individual and others, but it still came from a legitimate need for protection.

The "bitch" defense mechanism is in fact one of the most aggressive ones. It is a pro-active defense mechanism. It does not fool around with subtleties. The only thing I would point out with this defense mechanism, is that it is VERY effective. It really does the job. Which is why it is adopted often, by both men and women.

However, it can make people work so hard to get to know you that many will leave with a "Too much work for too little reward" kind of impression. Not everyone who leaves is unworthy, they are just tired. Perhaps tired of the same thing you are trying to avoid yourself.--being hurt.

It's the catch-22 of many defense mechanisms. You are safe from the danger. Which is the only purpose of a defense mechanism. But, it is so effective that it actually loops around and also becomes reinforcement for the need for the mechanism in the first place. People leave. Sometimes because they have no clue how to relate, but sometimes because it is just so much work to get past the mechanism. But the result is the same.. people leave. That reinforces the need for the mechanism.

It ends up being a 'which came first?" kind of scenario.

Which is why DS is right. These things, if they have a negative impact, need to be addressed. They can't be used [or shouldn't be] as an excuse because often times the excuse is what is ruining your life.
 
Caitlynne said:
This is an example of a classic "defense mechanism". You developed the behavior to protect yourself. This is one of my points. These aren't mechanisms developed willy nilly. They are there for a reason. It springs from a very real need to protect oneself. The need has to be discovered before the behavior can be altered.

Often the need goes away, but we're left with the mechanism. Sometimes it has a negative influence on the life of the individual and others, but it still came from a legitimate need for protection.

The "bitch" defense mechanism is in fact one of the most aggressive ones. It is a pro-active defense mechanism. It does not fool around with subtleties. The only thing I would point out with this defense mechanism, is that it is VERY effective. It really does the job. Which is why it is adopted often, by both men and women.

However, it can make people work so hard to get to know you that many will leave with a "Too much work for too little reward" kind of impression. Not everyone who leaves is unworthy, they are just tired. Perhaps tired of the same thing you are trying to avoid yourself.--being hurt.

It's the catch-22 of many defense mechanisms. You are safe from the danger. Which is the only purpose of a defense mechanism. But, it is so effective that it actually loops around and also becomes reinforcement for the need for the mechanism in the first place. People leave. Sometimes because they have no clue how to relate, but sometimes because it is just so much work to get past the mechanism. But the result is the same.. people leave. That reinforces the need for the mechanism.

It ends up being a 'which came first?" kind of scenario.

Which is why DS is right. These things, if they have a negative impact, need to be addressed. They can't be used [or shouldn't be] as an excuse because often times the excuse is what is ruining your life.
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*nods* very well said. I love your posts. You are one person I always make sure I read and pay close attention to every post. This just validates that even more.:rose:
 
A Desert Rose said:
Important things take discipline.
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Absolutely and hell we are only human...they aren't always going to be achieved. Which leads on to this...


When I've been bitchy to someone because I'm having a hard time, I apologize for it and explain that I let outside events rule my life instead of controlling those events. That's not an excuse. It's an explaination for not keeping control of my behavior and my life. It's an explaination for not being responsible and disciplined enough to behave better. It's me owning my bad behavior and apologizing for it.
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I agree completely.
To me there is a difference between an excuse and an explanation I think. To me an explanation says that ok I know I have acted in a certain way and I know I shouldn't have done. xy and z factors effected my behaviour and I apologise. It is taking ownership or responsibility for your behaviour. Acknowledging that you behaved in a certain way, but this really isn't who you are or more importantly perhaps, who you are trying to be.
The excuse to me is I behaved in this way because I have had a bad time of things and it has effected me. It just happens.....its who i am.
Its not taking ownership, its saying I will behave in this way and I don't have any control over it because of xy and z. It doesn't signify any attempt to try to address it.

Lol I am probably not being very clear. But to me there is a real difference.

I guess its a choice thing. I, like most have has some serious shitty things happen throughout my life. Things I would never talk about here. But I guess I let them shape me or I at least try and keep some perspective and a handle on them.

But in the end, if you're happy with and know who you are, then fine. Carry on. In my case, I keep finding that I'm not always happy with who I am and knowing I can be better than who I am.
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I think this is a healthy way to be. I know I can be better than who I am too and I will keep trying to address my traits that i don't care for.

Though ultimately depending on what you want from life I think that being happy with what and who you are may not always be enough.
We hear it said all the time 'as long as you are happy with yourself, who cares' but actually a person could be really happy being a dickhead, but if others around them aren't so enamoured with that side of them it could make for a pretty lonely or unfulfilling life.

*laugh* anyway I shall stop gabbling on.....thats another thing I need to address ;)
 
We perceive ourselves differently from what other's see

Ever listen to your own voice on a tape or answering machine? It sounds weird. I think our behavior/personality is the same way. What we do and say is all filtered through the semi-subconscious stream of thought we have running though our own heads, thoughts that only we as individuals are privy to but sometimes expect others to pick up on.

I'll use myself as an example: I'm naturally reticent in a group, and if a discussion becomes heated, I just clam up and listen, figuring they care a lot more than I do about whatever it is and I don't want to get wrapped up in it. I'd go off in my own head, think of story ideas, daydream about sex, whatever. If someone tries to draw me out, I mumble something conciliatory to both parties and clam back up. I've always been like that, I figured everyone in my circle knew it. Maybe it's rude, but I honestly don't give a flying fuck.

Imagine my shock when I found out my friends and family actually considered me WISE, of all things, because I just sit and look quietly thoughtful when shits starts getting thrown around.

Also, (and forgive me for going on), for a while I made a living teaching people to ride motorcycles. I met a lot of different people from all social, cultural and economic backgrounds aged 16 to 70. We'd do little get-to-know-each-other exercises at the outset of a weekend-long, 15 hour class...tell us about yourself, why you're here, what you want out of the class, yadda yadda.

Now some of them were bang on with their self-assessments, but with most, I'd say 70-80%, I had a completely different perception of them at the end of class than they'd presented at first.

Anyway, just my $.02

J
 
JamieB's post really got me thinking. I act so strangely when I'm nervous and it makes me wonder how others see me.

I get really nervous around people that I want to be friends with, but who I don't really know yet, or around people that I think are really cool, or when I'm with a group of people that all know each other but who I don't know. I recently noticed that when I get really nervous like this I need to do something with my hands, I crack my knuckles, put my hands in my pocket, take them out again, pick at my cuticles, pass my purse from one hand to another, and the strangest one, I've found that I start touching my nose. I'll do this even if I'm just in an elevator with a person that I don't know. I always sigh in relief when the elevator comes and its empty. No clue why I get so nervous with stuff like this... I used to be painfully shy as a kid but I've pretty much gotten over it. I guess this is the last evidence of that?

I also get "tough" when I'm nervous around people. Its like some bizarre act. I stand up straight, crack my knuckles, don't smile if I'm not talking, curse a lot if I am talking, insult people, etc. I guess thats sort if like being a bitch? In my mind I always saw it as being more of a "tough guy."

I wonder if people see me the way I see myself when I get that way? Or do they see some skittish little girl trying to act tough?

Are we all that transparent? are our defense mechanisms that apparent to the rest of the world?
 
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