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Old 02-14-2008, 01:22 PM   #1
goodnamesgone
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Can't ejaculate...help please?

I recently went to have sex for the first time (I'm 21) and was perplexed to find myself unable to ejaculate or hold my erection for an extended time with my partner. I've obviously masturbated before and never had this issue during that. I was attracted to my partner and wanted to do this very badly but there was just no getting around it. Thinking about it later, I realized that it may have something to do with my masturbation habits. I generally masturbate while sitting down, normally starting out in a cross legged position (this developed at a young age trying to hide my erection quickly in the event someone walked in on me and has just become the way I've done it all these years) so my testicles are sort of cupped and there is a pressure underneath them at the base of my testicular sack. I usually can ejaculate no problem with the pressure there or if I remove the pressure shortly before ejaculation. I tried masturbating in a different position and came up with the same problem I had during my attempt at sex. Is there a solution to this? Can I train myself to ejaculate without the pressure there? Or do I need to start paying a bit more attention to those enzyte commercials? Help would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 02-14-2008, 01:30 PM   #2
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If you can ejaculate once, you can always ejaculate. Same goes for the erection.

Hence your alleged problem is hardly physical ... it may be connected with tension, excessive anticipation, performance worry, bla-bla-bla ... just relax and it should work out with time (not too much); otherwise, see a professional ... but do not take pills without medical advice
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Old 02-14-2008, 01:40 PM   #3
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Yeah

I figured it wasn't a physical problem. More of a mental block or just the fact I've got in a habit of this one same way of doing things for at least 7 years or however long it's been at this point. I was also worried about the condoms, having to stop and try to get a condom on when I did have an erection, it was down to half mast by the time I was able to get the condom on and then it was no good on trying to get it back up.
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Old 02-14-2008, 01:43 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by goodnamesgone View Post
I figured it wasn't a physical problem. More of a mental block or just the fact I've got in a habit of this one same way of doing things for at least 7 years or however long it's been at this point. I was also worried about the condoms, having to stop and try to get a condom on when I did have an erection, it was down to half mast by the time I was able to get the condom on and then it was no good on trying to get it back up.
Typical

How about having her put it on for you as part of your play

Don't worry, your penis works fine if it works in your hands ... it's all about mastering your mind
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Old 02-14-2008, 01:43 PM   #5
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sounds like you need to quit masturbating altogether for a while
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Old 02-14-2008, 02:12 PM   #6
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I was also leaning toward the stop masturbating completely conclusion as well. After the try at sex I went 4 or 5 days without masturbating at all (normally I masturbate at least once a day, sometimes more so that's quite the feat for me) until finally giving in last night. I still had the same issue though, unless there was something sort of firmly cupping my balls I couldn't cum. I'm sort of concerned. Fortunately, she seems to be accepting of this whole thing and is willing to work with me through it.
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Old 02-14-2008, 11:05 PM   #7
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Have you experienced it before? I had my first ejaculation when I think of something very erotic
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Old 02-15-2008, 12:31 AM   #8
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Like I said, I'm able to do it just fine when I'm alone as long as I've got the same sort of things going. When I deviate from it, I just can't ejaculate. I'm not sure what's going on.
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Old 02-15-2008, 02:27 AM   #9
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This is clearly not solely a mental issue. If it were, you wouldn't have such a problem masturbating a different way. You need to retrain yourself physically, as well as mentally, as you suspected.

Stop masturbating for awhile, until you either have sex or have to give into the urges. When you do masturbate, DON'T give into your regular routine: force yourself to do it lying down, relaxed, with your legs apart. If you don't come, go ahead and give up for that session, then try again in the next couple of days.

Eventually, you will train yourself to come a different way if you don't allow yourself to go back to the old way. Your body will want to come so bad after repeated build ups that it'll just give in and go with the stimulation you give it, even if it's light.

Make sure you're not using a tight grip and you are using lube when you jack off, too. Some guys have problems with these differences when they're having sex, so if you're going to retrain yourself, you might as well do it in a way that's most likely to lead to successful encounters with a partner.

When you're planning on having sex again, lay off the masturbation for a few days beforehand, too, so you'll have everything working in your favor. That also serves to build up your confidence, which is an extremely important part of function.
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Old 02-15-2008, 12:37 PM   #10
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Maybe a cock ring would give you the feeling you want.
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Old 02-15-2008, 10:41 PM   #11
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Goodnamesgone...relax.

I had a really good friend with the EXACT same problem when we were in college. With him, it turned into a real issue and lasted several years. Finally after it driving him nuts for a while, he went and discussed it with his doctor who checked him out and then told him it was 100% in his head. The doctor told him to relax and gave him a few hints about how to change his expectations about what was going to happen. It took him a while, but he did it.

What I'm telling you is that you're catching this really early, so my advice is just to relax and don't get mental over it. The masturbation thing for instance. I'm a lot older than you. Some of the things that turned me on when I was your age wouldn't possibly turn me on today. That's ok. Just find what works for you NOW and use it. Don't worry about having to "cup" your balls or whatever...just do it...and relax your mind about it. 6 months from now, cupping your balls won't do a damn thing for you, but maybe sticking your finger up your butt will.

The world is ever changing...that includes the world of what turns you on during masturbation. Same for sex. Just relax. Instead of "thinking" about all the shit you're' thinking about, just allow yourself to become absorbed in the moment. You'll cum. Trust me. Enjoy it dude...that's what sex is about. Don't worry about whether or not you cum. Plan on spending the entire evening with your lady...if you lose your wood, wait a while (while you go down on her) and let it come back to you.

You are putting too much pressure on yourself. You're fine. Relax, have fun and KEEP DOING IT! Take your mind off the heavy shit and just go with it.
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Old 02-15-2008, 10:42 PM   #12
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I think its impotence.
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Old 02-16-2008, 11:34 PM   #13
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I don't think it's impotence. I think you're stressed out dude. You just need to focus on how much fun you're having and quit worrying yourself about ANY of the details.

You'll bust a nut.. Trust me
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Old 02-17-2008, 12:56 AM   #14
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I think it's interesting that the replies given to you seem to be different than replies given to women with this issue. I think you should use condoms when you masturbate, get used to the sensation, and get used to playing with yourself in different positions without focusing on cumming. That's the advice I remember people giving to women who have trouble cumming in different positions than they learned to masturbate in. Any updates in the meantime?
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Old 02-17-2008, 06:48 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southernsky View Post
I think it's interesting that the replies given to you seem to be different than replies given to women with this issue. I think you should use condoms when you masturbate, get used to the sensation, and get used to playing with yourself in different positions without focusing on cumming. That's the advice I remember people giving to women who have trouble cumming in different positions than they learned to masturbate in. Any updates in the meantime?
I'm confused. Isn't the bold part the same advice we (well, some of us) gave him?

I'd tell a woman who couldn't come in any position except for the one she always masturbated in to do the same thing: to relax and retrain her mind and body to come in different positions by not allowing herself to fall back on the favored position until she could come different ways.

For me, this is a bit of a different issue than a woman saying "I can't come during sex" because the OP's problem is namely caused by this position/ball cupping, which makes it difficult to have versatile sex and most men don't have trouble coming from sex, whereas most women DO have trouble coming from penetration alone. Let's face the fact that men and women ARE different (women don't typically have a problem coming w/ condoms or put condoms on, for instance), so the advice is going to vary at times.

What am I missing? How is the advice different in your view?
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Old 02-17-2008, 11:08 AM   #16
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I'm confused. Isn't the bold part the same advice we (well, some of us) gave him?

I'd tell a woman who couldn't come in any position except for the one she always masturbated in to do the same thing: to relax and retrain her mind and body to come in different positions by not allowing herself to fall back on the favored position until she could come different ways.

For me, this is a bit of a different issue than a woman saying "I can't come during sex" because the OP's problem is namely caused by this position/ball cupping, which makes it difficult to have versatile sex and most men don't have trouble coming from sex, whereas most women DO have trouble coming from penetration alone. Let's face the fact that men and women ARE different (women don't typically have a problem coming w/ condoms or put condoms on, for instance), so the advice is going to vary at times.

What am I missing? How is the advice different in your view?
Your advice isn't, it's awesome as usual. I should have specified better I just noticed quite a few more people saying "all you need to do is relax, you'll cum." Maybe the male orgasm is just more inevitable than the female orgasm and that's correct? I thought it interesting, not trying to be contentious.
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Old 02-17-2008, 01:52 PM   #17
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southernsky...to answer your question, a guys orgasm isn't inevitable. Well, normally it is, as long as he isn't mentally psyching himself out about it. It's amazingly easy for men to do just that (psych themselves out of an orgasm). It has happened to me many times when I have something on my mind or there's something bugging me about the relationship or the sex or any number of things. I've learned how stop those negative mental processes from having an effect on me, but I think this is one thing the original writer needs to learn.

It's easy for a guy to fall into a trap of not having an orgasm once and then every time after, the concern over it compounds the problem and soon you have some real shit to deal with mentally. Many women don't know this, and I'm not trying to say that YOU don't know, but guys are pretty robust sexual beings with pretty fragile sexual mentality.

I read over what you said above by the way and didn't see anything wrong with how you posed your remarks or asked your questions. If you don't like my opinion or have a different one, you're free to do so. For some reason an opposing opinion seems to flip out SweetErika. I don't really know why, but just so you know you don't have to be gentle with your comments to me or the vast majority of others on here.

I try not to be rude, but I am direct. I'll go 10 miles to make nice to somebody, but if that doesn't work, I'm done with it. I hope my comments explain myself.

I have told women on this site who were having problems achieving orgasm some of the same advice about just relaxing, clearing their minds and letting things happen without the expectation of an orgasm. I have learned this from my experience with women, but since I am not a woman and have never experienced what a woman experiences, I'd be happy to say to take my advice to women with a grain of salt.

I do think that people have too much stress in their lives though, and I think that causes a lot of the mental bs that people go through.

Cheers,
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Old 02-17-2008, 03:38 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southernsky View Post
Your advice isn't, it's awesome as usual. I should have specified better I just noticed quite a few more people saying "all you need to do is relax, you'll cum." Maybe the male orgasm is just more inevitable than the female orgasm and that's correct? I thought it interesting, not trying to be contentious.
Thanks for the explanation, Southernsky! I didn't think you were trying to be contentious at all (though I see where you could have interpreted it that way...blame it on insomnia posting! ), nor was I looking for validation, I just honestly didn't understand where you were coming from. Now I do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EjAcKuLaToR View Post

I read over what you said above by the way and didn't see anything wrong with how you posed your remarks or asked your questions. If you don't like my opinion or have a different one, you're free to do so. For some reason an opposing opinion seems to flip out SweetErika. I don't really know why, but just so you know you don't have to be gentle with your comments to me or the vast majority of others on here.

I try not to be rude, but I am direct. I'll go 10 miles to make nice to somebody, but if that doesn't work, I'm done with it. I hope my comments explain myself.
Southernsky seemed to interpret my question as the honest request for clarification, as intended.

It's a little ironic that you're accusing me of "flipping out" when you actually seem to be the only one who blew my question out of proportion, and chose to be rude, rather than calmly discerning whether I was actually flipping out, or had mal intent, or not.

I'm truly not sure why you seem to have a problem with me, Jack. You're certainly welcome to try to resolve it with me via PM, though. Or, by all means, put me on Ignore so you can choose whether you want to be irritated by my posts or not! It seems like either of those would be much nicer, more productive and rational paths (since you say you value those qualities) than throwing out backhanded comments, doesn't it?

And I can assure you I'm not flipping out right now, either.
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Old 02-17-2008, 04:05 PM   #19
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I was also leaning toward the stop masturbating completely conclusion as well. After the try at sex I went 4 or 5 days without masturbating at all (normally I masturbate at least once a day, sometimes more so that's quite the feat for me) until finally giving in last night. I still had the same issue though, unless there was something sort of firmly cupping my balls I couldn't cum. I'm sort of concerned. Fortunately, she seems to be accepting of this whole thing and is willing to work with me through it.
I think it is good that you talked to her about it, so she knows what is going on. As long as you can talk about it, Im sure you can still have fun together in bed, while you retrain youself, so you dont have to depend on one special kind of stimulation.
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Old 02-17-2008, 07:40 PM   #20
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I went through the exact same thing.

from 17 years old to 22 years old, I had girlfriends who refused to have sex, so I got used to handjobs and blowjobs. Then, I finally found a girl who wanted to have intercourse regularly.

I had problems maintaining erection and feeling any pleasure from intercourse, and it was humiliating. I was 22 and I couldn't keep it up! And, my girlfriend was this hot little blonde college girl...I was always turned on by her, but after the foreplay, once it came time to put the condom on and screw her, I couldn't do it.

Well, I ended up going to a medical doctor about it, and true enough, it was mostly psychological. I had become used to getting off only by laying back and getting sucked off/jacked off, or from masturbating. Intercourse is EXTREMELY different from masturbation or oral/handjobs, because you're getting all your pleasure from moving your pelvis with your girl. It takes a lot of getting used to, especially if you have a long history of getting nothing but handjobs or blowjobs.

And masturbation is the worst....I mean, you're sitting in a chair, looking at pictures of girls on your computer. How on earth is that even SLIGHTLY close to actual intercourse?

Here's what worked for me. First, I stopped looking at porn, completely. Then, no more jerking off! To masturbate, I would fold a long pillow in half and hump it on the bed; sometimes I'd wear a condom, to get used to the feeling of it. Also, I reduced my frequency of masturbation immensely...I was used to masturbating about 2-3 times a day, but I cut down to about twice per week.

After a few weeks, my mind started making the connection between humping and sexual pleasure, instead of sitting motionless and being stroked/sucked off or masturbating.

I had this expectation that intercourse would be so intense, like shooting up heroin or something. And so, my first few times were pretty lackluster. After a couple of weeks of sex, I began craving it, and before a month was over, I wanted nothing else but sex. Oral and HJs seemed like such a pathetic excuse for sex, because there's such a primal element to thrusting into a girl....and the orgasms from sex are so much more intense for me.

That was my experience. DO NOT think that you have some sort of real problem, cuz you don't! Take active steps to retrain yourself. Break the psychological connection of pleasure with your cross-legged masturbating.

Trust me, you can do it, and once you get used to getting pleasure from humping and intercourse, there'll be no going back!

Good luck!
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Old 02-17-2008, 08:51 PM   #21
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Awesome post and advice, Seattlelevel!

I'm going to ask BlueSugar to add this to The Blank Manual sticky for future reference because I bet there are more guys who have this problem that we realize, and your advice could really help them.
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Old 02-17-2008, 09:51 PM   #22
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I was also leaning toward the stop masturbating completely conclusion as well. After the try at sex I went 4 or 5 days without masturbating at all (normally I masturbate at least once a day, sometimes more so that's quite the feat for me) until finally giving in last night. I still had the same issue though, unless there was something sort of firmly cupping my balls I couldn't cum. I'm sort of concerned. Fortunately, she seems to be accepting of this whole thing and is willing to work with me through it.
Hi, I just ran into this thread. Has your situation changed any at all?

There are several things that your problem is NOT :
1. It is NOT impotence. Impotence is not being able to get an erection AT ALL.
2. It is NOT - in most liklihood - a physiological problem (an organic problem - in technical terms). If you can get an erection and ejaculate, then the equipment is all in working order.
3. It is NOT something that cannot be changed. The fact that your partner is understanding and willing to be patient and help you retrain your body and mind is a definite plus - and will in fact help facilitate the process.
4. It is NOT something that will change overnight - it IS a process that will take some time (not talking years here, either), discipline and diligence.
5. Take heart - it is NOT a major problem! (although you may not feel like that at the moment)

For some people, this is the downside of masturbation. You have trained your body to respond to a very specific set of stimuli over a period of time and your body is now having trouble providing the wanted response under very different conditions than what it is used to. This is generally different than most female orgasmic problems and requires a different treatment.

If you would like to PM me for some specific direction and help, please feel free to do so. This is an area I work with in both men and women.

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Old 02-17-2008, 10:06 PM   #23
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Dude you are WAY overthinking this

I admit to only skimming the thread, but the comments by the original poster show me a guy who's putting way too much thought into what's most likely a simple problem of performance anxiety. You're just stressing yourself out thinking so much.

I think the posters who advised you to give up porn are giving you good advice. Porn is like television. It's a SUBSTITUTE for imagination. Read more erotica instead, and start thinking about sex rather than pornography. Dream up ways to stimulate her during foreplay with your fingers and mouth. Think of some sexy things to whisper in her ear while you're deep inside her.

Also, if Mr. Happy bows out of the festivities early, have a backup plan. When he starts to go soft, instead of panicking, pull out and work your way south to perform oral. She might wonder what you're up to, but she might like it too.

Masturbation in and of itself, IMHO, isn't going to be that big a factor for a young guy unless you're going 3-5 times a day. Curb it if you think it will help.

Good luck.

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Old 02-17-2008, 10:23 PM   #24
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Dude you are WAY overthinking this
It's unclear who you mean here
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Old 02-17-2008, 11:11 PM   #25
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1) From SweetErika: "Thanks for the explanation, Southernsky! I didn't think you were trying to be contentious at all (though I see where you could have interpreted it that way...blame it on insomnia posting! ), nor was I looking for validation, I just honestly didn't understand where you were coming from. Now I do."

2) From Jack: I try not to be rude, but I am direct. Erika...maybe the words "flipping out" were a little strong. I do try to be direct though, so I'll do so. By your own admission (above) you do see where someone could interpret your posting as something less than "reasonable". Call it what you will...you called it "insomnia posting" (I called it flipping out). To me the difference is purely semantic.

In any event, I just think it appears that you are sometimes anxious to jump on people who pose an opinion that is even gently opposing yours. I've seen many of your opinions, and I believe that right or wrong, you do care about people and are trying to give your best shot at advice. I wouldn't want to squelch you, nor would I want to squelch anyone else for that matter.

I have no desire to put you on ignore. Then I'd miss the good advice you give and the good things you say. As you're aware, you're free to put me on ignore if you wish. I just hope that somehow you can read the words I'm saying and get something of value from it. Flipping out or not.

Cheers.
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