How do I dominate my boyfriend?

My boyfriend is this big strong, military man who now wants to be helpless at my hands. How can I accomplish this? I'm thinking going along the military lines and going with the "yes ma'am", "no ma'am" kind of deal. He also wants pain... smacks when he does something wrong and so forth. I am not that strong so how do I hurt him... bare hand, paddle... without going too far too soon? Remove his strength by trying him up? How do I accomplish the feeling of him being at my will... is it all in attitude (which I have loads of or adding costume helps I'm sure... advice please. I want to please him and give him the experience he wants and needs!

(He's not the only one that wants this... I love being at his mercy and being the submissive one but to be in control of him for once sounds really appealling and I want to do it right. Thanks for your help!)

Read through the BDSM forum.
Lots of experienced folks in there with good advice.

Beaforce said:

My boyfriend is this big strong, military man who now wants to be helpless at my hands. How can I accomplish this?

Click to expand...

Domination is simply taking and using the power someone else is giving to you. It doesn't matter what size, shape, age, sex, or demeanor they have, if they want to give and you want to take and give back, you're there.

I'm thinking going along the military lines and going with the "yes ma'am", "no ma'am" kind of deal.

Click to expand...

Is that what YOU want, or are you trying to fit into an idea of what you think a dominant is like or what you think HE wants?

It's an important distinction because you will never live up to the fantasy image of the perfect, stereotypical Domme that lives in your or his head, so trying to play to that is just setting yourself up for disappointment. D/s is very personal and individual; your best bet is to go what feels natural and best to you, personally, not try to fit yourself into a mold based on his ideas or what you think you should be.

Apart from the limits you've talked about and agreed on (if you haven't done so already, google 'bdsm checklist' and mark your preferences separately, then talk about them together, establish a safe word and signal and learn about the safety aspects of what you're planning on doing), this is all about what YOU, as the Dominant, wants.

It doesn't sound like you're talking about a simple roleplay here, which means you will actually have to think and act as a Dominant for the duration of the scene/evening/weekend for it to go well. So, start thinking about what appeals to you and figure out how you want to incorporate it! What do YOU want to try? What are YOU likely to enjoy? How can he serve and please YOU? What will make YOU feel powerful, sexy and aroused? What will be fun for YOU?

He also wants pain... smacks when he does something wrong and so forth. I am not that strong so how do I hurt him... bare hand, paddle... without going too far too soon? Remove his strength by trying him up?

Click to expand...

There are loads of ways you can hurt a big, strong person with common household objects. Go look in your kitchen and/or head out to the dollar store to see what you can find. Spatulas, spoons (I have an awesome, yellow, plastic KoolAid spoon that has a happy face cut out [oh, the irony!] that came with a package of Splenda. both the stirring end and handle can create some serious pain, and it's fun to taunt him with, "I'm happy. My spoon's happy. You're happy too, right?!" as I deliver some very stingy blows), sturdy wrapping paper rods, clothespins, belts, feathers, hair brushes, silky scarves, etc., can all be used to deliver pain and pleasure. Heck, I've even wrapped wooden paint stirrers and dowels in electrical tape and used them to do some nasty stuff!

Clearly, you want to use common sense here: stay away from anything that could go flying, break or harm either one of you, and stick to the ass, upper thighs, nipples and bits so you don't hurt bone or organs. Watch for things that might break the skin and keep an eye on anything you're using to make sure it's not on the verge of breaking. If you have a question about whether something will work or not, ask here or in the BDSM forum, as some things that look good can be dangerous (miniblind rods and dry bamboo are two examples; both can splinter or shatter upon impact).

Work your way up, starting from, say, a spanking with your hand, to the more painful stuff. This will help you gauge his reactions to different sensations, intensities and know if you're getting close to his limit (we use the word "yellow" to indicate this and "You need to stop and check in with me"). You can also check in verbally periodically and it's fun to mix in different sensations (pleasure, soft, cold, hot, scratchy, etc.) with the pain because it keeps it interesting and the areas of impact become particularly sensitive, so the slightest touch can elicit a great reaction.

I don't save pain and impact for when my sub has done wrong, especially because if he enjoys pain, it's effectively rewarding him for bad behavior. I inflict it when I want to, and once I let myself go and knew I wasn't going to harm him, I found a lot of pleasure in it. Hurting someone consensually is exciting, fun and relaxing for many. There's really no right or wrong time to do it, so, again, go with what feels good to YOU.

How do I accomplish the feeling of him being at my will... is it all in attitude (which I have loads of or adding costume helps I'm sure... advice please. I want to please him and give him the experience he wants and needs!

Click to expand...

If you want to wear certain clothes because they make you feel powerful and sexy, go for it, but you certainly don't NEED any special clothing to dominate. I wear what I'm comfortable and feel sexy in, and put him in what I want him in (neither of us do the whole 'dress me like a girl then humiliate me for it' thing, but there is something interesting about putting him in panties, so sometimes I'll tell him to wear a particular pair; this also puts him in a sub mindset, which we both like).

If you think having him kneel or kiss your feet or beg to submit to you or do some other kind of ritual sounds good, go for it. Sometimes rituals can help set the mood and get people in the right head space, but they're not mandatory. Nothing, apart from what YOU want, is mandatory, including what he wants. It's your scene and you're in charge. By virtue of asking you to take control, he's giving you the power to decide what will and won't happen. If he really wants this, he will enjoy the overall experience, and probably a lot of specifics, but you'll be going down a difficult path if you try to live out the fantasy he's been jacking off to or focus on pleasing him. If you're doing that, you're actually submitting to him, not dominating him, and it doesn't sound like he wants to be in charge here.

If you happen to have intersecting interests and choose to do things he happens to like because you'll enjoy them, great! But if you do something he doesn't like, that's okay too, provided you're not crossing an established boundary. Remember that checklist you filling out and discussing? Getting ideas and establishing boundaries is precisely why you're doing that.

Please trust me on the mindset stuff. I started out trying to cater to what I thought a Domme should be and my partner's desires because I didn't know any better and I'm naturally a giver. It was a disaster! As soon as I started focusing on what I wanted and trusting my partner would benefit from doing what I liked because we have similar interests and limits, it was a lot easier and fun. Save yourself the trouble of putting on an act and focusing on him by going into it with the right mindset.

There are some things to think about. As DD said, the BDSM Talk forum and the library sticky at the top have many more, and I think you'll also find the checklist to be an easy way to get ideas and your mind going. Follow the K.I.S.S. principle, though: simple things like mental bondage can be even more fun and powerful than dealing with physical restraints, for instance.

Also, this is probably not going to be your only opportunity to try stuff, so you don't need to try to get everything in this time. Choosing a couple of core activities that you really want to try and being prepared for a few others in case you change our mind mid-scene is the best way to go, in my experience.

Most importantly be safe and HAVE FUN!

Beaforce said:

My boyfriend is this big strong, military man who now wants to be helpless at my hands. How can I accomplish this? I'm thinking going along the military lines and going with the "yes ma'am", "no ma'am" kind of deal. He also wants pain... smacks when he does something wrong and so forth. I am not that strong so how do I hurt him... bare hand, paddle... without going too far too soon? Remove his strength by trying him up? How do I accomplish the feeling of him being at my will... is it all in attitude (which I have loads of or adding costume helps I'm sure... advice please. I want to please him and give him the experience he wants and needs!

(He's not the only one that wants this... I love being at his mercy and being the submissive one but to be in control of him for once sounds really appealling and I want to do it right. Thanks for your help!)

Click to expand...

Simply put, tell him this, "In three days, you´re all mine. You won´t talk back, you won´t complain, you won´t bitch about anything, you´re just going to do everythign that you´re told". Then walk away, or shoo him off as he leaves for work. When the three days passes, wake him up and say, "Today´s the day." Then, if he´s actually serious about the idea, he´s all yours. Make him clean the house naked, as you stand there wearing your favorite corset. Watch him do as many push-ups as he´s able to perform, while you kneel in front of him with your aroused pussy inches away from his face. Masturbate in front of him, using your favorite techniques or toys, as he sits bound to a chair. Or, reverse roles and make him masturbate for you as you watch and critique his technique. And when your day is done, and you´ve (hopefully) made it worth his while, or not, you can snuggle into bed with him and say something like, "Next time, I´m going to have to make you call in sick." If you´re going to Domme, you should Dom hardcore. Any bitch with an attitude problem can cause pain. You want to make him your slave, nto your shipping post.

You can save the painful stuff (whips, belts, strap-ons, etc.) for the future. After all, you´re in it for the long haul, no need to exhaust all of the possibilites in the first few years.

Thank you

This is really great advice so far. I didn't think people would respond so quickly. I'm starting to look into what really turns me on and what I want him to do. I will be the one dominating the situation and need to know how I want him to perform and whathe can do to please me. I'm not going to try and live up to any fantasy and be something I'm not. Its gonna be fun. I get to dress up, be strong, and try out these wonderful suggestions on my boyfriend.

Keep the wonderful advice cumming... you all are deviously brilliant! ; )

Beaforce said:

This is really great advice so far. I didn't think people would respond so quickly. I'm starting to look into what really turns me on and what I want him to do. I will be the one dominating the situation and need to know how I want him to perform and whathe can do to please me. I'm not going to try and live up to any fantasy and be something I'm not. Its gonna be fun. I get to dress up, be strong, and try out these wonderful suggestions on my boyfriend.

Keep the wonderful advice cumming... you all are deviously brilliant! ; )

Click to expand...

No problem. Even the toughest men like the idea of letting go and doing what we´re told.

has he talked about any limits? secondary how far does he want this to go (any role play in public)? some men like to watch their girl flirt and men trying to pick her up....

all I'm saying is ask him about limits and fantasies first. set up some rules and start talking about things. hopefully he will want to talk about each experience and share with you what he enjoyed and didn't enjoy....

slaps for the face..sure...paddle to his bum, that is okay. he will have to submit via the your spoken word and your actions as he is stronger than you.

what man can resist a woman in stockings, killer pumps and a sexy black dress! he will be under your power!!

Beaforce said:

My boyfriend is this big strong, military man who now wants to be helpless at my hands. How can I accomplish this? I'm thinking going along the military lines and going with the "yes ma'am", "no ma'am" kind of deal. He also wants pain... smacks when he does something wrong and so forth. I am not that strong so how do I hurt him... bare hand, paddle... without going too far too soon? Remove his strength by trying him up? How do I accomplish the feeling of him being at my will... is it all in attitude (which I have loads of or adding costume helps I'm sure... advice please. I want to please him and give him the experience he wants and needs!

(He's not the only one that wants this... I love being at his mercy and being the submissive one but to be in control of him for once sounds really appealling and I want to do it right. Thanks for your help!)

Click to expand...

boyfriend domination

It is more about attitude than physical domination. The first time he disobeys you need to show him you will not tolerate it. Do some research on military commands and use them. I agree most men enjoy this to some degree. What you think is the perfect dom and what he thinks will never be the same but its fun tojust keep trying. Its best to just enjoy and discuss what you liked or disliked and then adjust and try again. Practice makes perfect.

jeninflorida said:

has he talked about any limits? secondary how far does he want this to go (any role play in public)? some men like to watch their girl flirt and men trying to pick her up....

all I'm saying is ask him about limits and fantasies first. set up some rules and start talking about things. hopefully he will want to talk about each experience and share with you what he enjoyed and didn't enjoy....

slaps for the face..sure...paddle to his bum, that is okay. he will have to submit via the your spoken word and your actions as he is stronger than you.

Click to expand...

Yep, those are excellent examples of things you need to talk and learn about first. If he's in the military or an otherwise sensitive job, he may draw the line at public activities and doing anything that could leave visible marks, e.g. faceslapping.

It's also pretty disrespectful to involve people who haven't consented in your activities (which they may not want to be involved in), or do anything where you might be seen by children. Sure, making him walk around Walmart in a collar or flirting with others might sound fun, but it could really backfire if the wrong person sees you or your activities make others really uncomfortable.

Also, with face slapping, if you do it wrong, you can really injure the face and leave visible marks. I doubt he wants to have to come up with a cover story for the black eye, split lip or facial fracture he acquired while submitting to his gf. It's also a more volatile activity in that it can trigger an immediate, animalistic fight response in some people; he may come after you for retaliation without any thought (it's natural and can't be helped). It's unlikely, but the unlikely is always something to consider because the reality is that BDSM is risky. The most we can do is be aware of the risks and do as much as possible to prevent them.

If he wants to be helpless in your hands then some sort of bondage will do the trick, particularly if he is that strong military man. I would start out with that since any other thing you try he would know that no matter what happens he can regain control if he wants. If he is in bondage then he will know for certain that you are in control and he will be unable to regain it until you say so. That is very hot all by itself. Part of your play can include the yes, mamm, or better yet, yes mistress. Get a paddle of some sort to inflict pain, not your bare hand. You can be imaginative and inexpensive by getting something like a ping pong paddle. Have his wrists tied in front of him while you whip his ass. Attitude and costume can always add immensely to the experience. "The Mistress Manual" is a good book which can give you a lot of pointers. Unfortunately, I'm not in the military so I guess you're not my wife seeking advice. Bummer.

I would of course check first with someone who actually knows, but I've been told by a female friend that the silk-ish neckties used with the service dress uniforms make handy tie-downs for the bondage-minded.

Also, if your boyfriend's branch of the military does things the same way my branch does, he was issued two ties. How convenient!

Thanks for the book tip

subwannabe said:

"The Mistress Manual" is a good book which can give you a lot of pointers.

Click to expand...

I ordered this book and I should have it in a few days. I already have my own plans but nothing like a reference to add something else to fuel my fire. Thanks for the great tip! I'll let you know how I like it.

Texguy84 said:

I would of course check first with someone who actually knows, but I've been told by a female friend that the silk-ish neckties used with the service dress uniforms make handy tie-downs for the bondage-minded.

Also, if your boyfriend's branch of the military does things the same way my branch does, he was issued two ties. How convenient!

Click to expand...

Soft nylon rope, preferably with good cuffs (but they're not necessary; you can make your own simple, comfy rope cuffs: http://www.easternrope.com/fashions2/thumbnails.php?album=25 ) , is better. If you insist on using scarves or ties, get some from the thrift store or use ones you don't care about. You want something that will be easy to untie and that can be cut quickly and easily w/o regrets in an emergency. Make sure you have paramedic/EMT/safety shears on hand so you can cut him loose without harming him, too.

You can thread a length of rope between the mattress or under the bed and tie his hands with the ends. or, for the cuffs above, use two lengths of rope and tie the ends to the posts, headboard, or legs of the bed. Make sure you use safe knots that won't tighten under strain and can comfortably slip a couple of fingers between the rope and skin. Don't position knots, or anything else that creates a pressure point, over the insides of his wrists. You don't want to cause nerve damage!

3/8 braided marine rope is soft, comfortable and easy to use... learn knots well for ropes. i use them alot in my construction work for tieing off ladders and working above rooflines... with the right knots you can suspend a man off the ground in pieces...


if he wanting that much of the power in your hands first and foremost, set up a safety word, one you would normally never use in a sexual meeting, so that he can say no to you and suffer the consequences of your authority, and still have the power to call off anything that crosses the line...

experimentation is sometimes a good way to find out what boht your boundries are... you may want to look into an MP and prisoner scenario, if things fo well, you may end up giving him a full body cavity search... you must be the power and the authority and don;t be shy in using force, as long as there is a safety word for his out, he is really the one in control, he's just being a good boy and giving his mistress the power so you can do what you wish with him... experiment, and if he shows a dislike of anything, that too can be used as a punishment for bad boys. many men have a fear of anal play as it can threaten their sexuality and their manhood, but if you can stimulate his prostate gland while doing something sexual to him, you will release that societally inbred shame, and make him experience in a small way what it feels like to be your bitch, and show him how it can pay off in sensations that explode... he's your toy to play with any way you like, but do enter into it slowly and with levels of experimentation

remember... it's only kinky the first time... and the only wrong way there is to think on sex, is to think on sex as dirty, or to not think on sex at all.

evildwarf said:

remember... it's only kinky the first time....

Click to expand...

I respectfully disagree. Kinky is simply taking a sharp deviation from the norm. That norm is defined differently by everyone, but most of us consider both societal and personal norms when we engage in BDSM activities. Something that goes against societal norms, or is taboo to some extent, is likely to hold excitement and cause some dissonance for quite sometime, even if we do it on a regular basis.

Some people consider sex toys or light bondage kinky because they're not in their standard repetroire of sexual activities. For us, they might have been kinky the first few times, but once we adapted them into our set of standard activities, we considered them "normal". We also see a lot of sex toys and light bondage scenarios in our society - they're pretty commonly accepted, so they don't have that taboo factor for us.

In contrast, the Female Dom/male sub relationship dynamic and S&M are not socially accepted practices, nor have they been a clear part of our sexual "menu" for more than a couple of years. Even after engaging in them many times, we still consider them kinky because they DO deviate from societal norms so much. We rarely see them referenced in a positive light in our culture, so the excitement from the taboo factor is high. Sure, we've gotten more used to them by doing a lot of research and socializing with others who engage in them, and we don't consider them truly abnormal for us personally, but they're definitely still kinky.

Kinky is truly in the eye of the beholder.


Beaforce, have you two had more conversations about this and gone through a checklist yet?

Also, there's a great section in The Blank Manual sticky at the top of the main How To page on anal, if you're so inclined to work that into your plan at some point. We thoroughly enjoy incorporating anal play and strap-on sex into our scenes, mainly because it IS an activity that relies on trust and there's a big power exchange component to it. There's also a risk of seriously harming the receiving, so it's definitely something that you need to learn about and take your time with, however. If you guys enjoy it and are interested in a strap-on, I have a really good recommendation for you.

Also discuss and think about cum-eating. This is one area I don't go into with my boy, but it holds a lot of appeal for many men and can be great fun for the Dominant. From feeding it to him after he's come on himself via anal to cleaning you up after he's come in/on you, to punishment (provided it's not a limit, as it is for mine) there are tons of powerful possibilities!

You might consider starting off with an inspection of him, too. Have him stand in an open area naked (or just wearing a collar or whatever) with his hands behind his head and feet apart. Snap on some latex gloves, if you're so inclined, and go to town inspecting every inch of him, poking, prodding, tweaking, slapping, probing, and commenting on him like he's a piece of meat. A riding crop is great for this, and so many other things (I'm fond of cropping his ass while he's giving oral, for motivation ), and can be had cheaply at your local tack shop.

Can you tell I'm excited for you? Really, REALLY excited?

SweetErika said:

You might consider starting off with an inspection of him, too. Have him stand in an open area naked (or just wearing a collar or whatever) with his hands behind his head and feet apart. Snap on some latex gloves, if you're so inclined, and go to town inspecting every inch of him, poking, prodding, tweaking, slapping, probing, and commenting on him like he's a piece of meat. A riding crop is great for this, and so many other things (I'm fond of cropping his ass while he's giving oral, for motivation ), and can be had cheaply at your local tack shop.

Can you tell I'm excited for you? Really, REALLY excited?

Click to expand...

I agree.