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Hello, wolfie,
as you requested I'm in here looking at your poem, and I'll try to offer critique and stuff, but really it's not my strong point.
I really think that what you're writing here is song lyrics. I would differentiate that from poetry in the sense that short rhymed lines like this, when simply read as a poem, especially aloud the way I tend to, end up sounding very sing-songy and hallmark-y, and that keeps them on a sort of shallow level where meaning is concerned. Even the repetition of the lines about the wind make this seem like a song - chorus, verses, and so on.
One of the mistakes beginning poets tend to make is feeling like they have to write in rhyme and meter, and really, it's sort of a dodge, since writing this sort of stuff comes WAY too easily and is often very cliche'd.
Line seven doesn't make sense - are you missing a word?
I dunno, wolfie. I think you ought to take a step back, do some free-writing and some journaling, and work with free verse for a while to get out of the hypnotic effect that writing in rhyme tends to have on new writers. It's a sweet-tempered piece but it's kinda all over the place - you start by talking about how you're going to be frozen forever because of "Girl" (oy - take that out; I felt like the Temptations were in here singing doo-wop...) and then toward the end it started to sound like maybe the Girl was going to come back and warm you up after all. So the first thing you need to ask yourself is, what am I really trying to say here? Is this a lament for a lost relationship or is it a plea for someone to return, or is it a thank you note to someone who HAS come back to you? It seems to contain all three messages.
Most poets write a lot of general exercises and journal entries, and out of that they find ideas with which to craft a poem. One of the mistakes new writers make is feeling like everything they put on paper has to be made into a poem. Sometimes you just gotta scrap stuff and start over, or maybe put it away as a piece that will be real romantic to show to the new petite ami, but not so much for publishing in the Atlantic Monthly. There are personal poems, things we write for our moms and girlfriends, and those don't have to be to the same standard as the things we actually want to edit and revise and maybe publish.
My suggestion: put this one away for a while. Write 3 - 5 brand new things. Shoot for free verse rather than rhyme. Think hard about a single message that you might try to communicate, an image or a scene or a moment you'd like to describe so someone else could experience it as vividly as you did. Read a bunch of poems from acknowledged poets to get some ideas. Then pick the best one of your new pieces and bring it in here. I bet you'll be much improved.
I do hope this helps. Good luck.
bijou
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'What is the use or function of poetry nowadays?' is a question not the less poignant for being defiantly asked by so many stupid people or apologetically answered by so many silly people. The function of poetry is religious invocation of the Muse; its use is the experience of mixed exaltation and horror that her presence excites. - Robert Graves
Bienvenue a la bistro!
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