Old 12-28-2007, 12:13 AM   #1
wolfknight20
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12-27-07 angles tears

Angel's Tears

an angel's sorrow made me weep
so dig a grave and dig it deep
cause just to hear you say, that's so sweet
I'd gladly fall six feet

and just to earn the
privilege of holding your hand
without a doubt I'd give up
my place in the promised land

cause you made my blood run cold and deep
for just the thought of you alone
is enough to make the devil weep

even though my heart is cold
as ice and hard as stone
the ice does melt
when we're alone

as does the stone
turn into sand
with just a touch
of your soft hand

and the darkness
within my soul does change to light
with just a look
from your eyes so bright

Last edited by wolfknight20 : 12-30-2007 at 09:50 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 12-29-2007, 08:20 AM   #2
LeBroz
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On this one I'll just mark the spelling errors that need fixing. To get you started, the title should read, Angel's Tears.


Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfknight20 View Post
angles tears

an angles sorrow made me weep
so dig a grave and dig it deep
cuase just to hear you say thats so sweet
id gladly fall six feet

and just to earn the
pivlege of holding your hand
with out a doubt id give up
my place in the promised land

cuase you made my blood run cold and deep
for just the thought of you alone
is anuff to make the devil weep

even thow my heart is cold
as ice and hard as stone
the ice does melt
whene wer alone

as dose the stone
turn in to sand
with just a touch
of your soft hand

and the darkness
within my soul does change to light
with just a look
from your eyes so bright

I'm sure I speak for most in the poetry community when I say many would be happy to help with poems. But the English fundamentals such as spelling are your responsibility.

Good luck with your efforts.

.
.
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"...the poet's function is to describe, not the thing that has happened, but a kind of thing that might happen..." Aristotle Poetics

"All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare." Spinoza

"Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all." Hypatia of Alexandria

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." H. L. Mencken, US editor (1880 - 1956)

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Old 12-30-2007, 03:22 AM   #3
wolfknight20
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Cool

ive fixed the spelling now hows it

Last edited by wolfknight20 : 12-30-2007 at 09:47 PM.
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Old 12-30-2007, 09:02 AM   #4
LeBroz
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.
.


You've done quite well and corrected most of the mistakes; however, there are a few small details you've overlooked, details that most people would overlook in their own reading or writing. But you're not most people, you have a challenge to meet and overcome and the only way to do that is to demand perfection of yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfknight20 View Post

The title could be done in three different ways. If speaking of all the tears of all the angels you can leave it as Angels Tears. If, instead, you're speaking of all of the angels and their tears, it should be Angels' Tears. Or, as implied in the first line, you want to describe it as the tears of a single angel, then it should be Angel's Tears. This last is my own choice.

Angels Tears

In the first line you need to use the possessive in angel the sorrow belongs to an angel an angel's sorrow. Note: angel's could also mean angel is, depending on the context confusing, isn't it?

an angels sorrow made me weep
so dig a grave and dig it deep

thats needs an apostrophe to make it a contraction of 'that is'. Preceding 'thats' you also need either an 'it' or another 'that' so it could read, you say that, that's so sweet.

cause just to hear you say thats so sweet
i'd gladly fall six feet ......i'd should be capitalized I'd

and just to earn the
privlege of holding your hand .....spelling privilege
with out a doubt i'd give up .....with out is a single word, without.....Also, i'd should be capitalized I'd
my place in the promised land

cause you made my blood run cold and deep
for just the thought of you alone
is enough to make the devil weep

even though my heart is cold
as ice and hard as stone
the ice does melt
when we're alone

as does the stone
turn in to sand ......in to is a single word, into
with just a touch
of your soft hand

and the darkness
within my soul does change to light
with just a look
from your eyes so bright

You did a fine job in correctlng the most serious mistakes. Like I said at the top of this post, however, you need to strive for perfection. You do this one word at a time, one poem at a time.

Keep working on it and one day you'll be able to submit a poem for consideration and the poets here will tell you what's right or wrong with your poem, as a poem, without even being aware of the difficulties you've had to surmount.

Good Luck!

.
.
__________________
-- from the convoluted mind of LogicalLeon

"...the poet's function is to describe, not the thing that has happened, but a kind of thing that might happen..." Aristotle Poetics

"All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare." Spinoza

"Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all." Hypatia of Alexandria

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." H. L. Mencken, US editor (1880 - 1956)

"The power to do things for you is the power to do things to you." Dorothy Parker



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Leon Brozyna
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Old 12-30-2007, 05:28 PM   #5
unpredictablebijou
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LeBroz, you're a jewel.


Wolfie, I'm really pleased and impressed to see you working so hard and having such a pragmatic and non-defensive attitude about your work.

Here are two exercises I'd like to suggest, in hopes that they'll help you become more flexible and more creative within your writing. Poets tend to do lots of "workout" exercises; ways to practice playing our scales so that when we write we've got the chops already in place. Most of the time one doesn't expect to glean a 'poem' out of every word one writes; about 90% of the words I put on paper never see the light of day; they're just practice.

So. Consider a couple of things.

First, rewrite this piece as prose, without the rhyme, just focusing on what message you're trying to get across. Read through it and imagine that you're actually saying it to someone. See how it feels being read aloud.

Second, take your favorite line or two out of this piece and use them as seeds to write an entirely new poem, or maybe two or three. Don't even think of it as "I'm going to write a poem now," just think in terms of doing some brainstorming and expressing yourself on paper.

I think doing stuff like this is a majority of the task of a writer - practice, practice practice. If at some point a jewel emerges from the mud, well that's cool, but mostly you just keep diggin'.

Good luck!

bijou
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'What is the use or function of poetry nowadays?' is a question not the less poignant for being defiantly asked by so many stupid people or apologetically answered by so many silly people. The function of poetry is religious invocation of the Muse; its use is the experience of mixed exaltation and horror that her presence excites. - Robert Graves

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Old 12-30-2007, 09:44 PM   #6
wolfknight20
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Cool thanks

frist I whant to thank both unpredictablebijou and leBroz for there help and suggestions

Quote:
Originally Posted by LeBroz View Post
.
.


You've done quite well and corrected most of the mistakes; however, there are a few small details you've overlooked, details that most people would overlook in their own reading or writing. But you're not most people, you have a challenge to meet and overcome and the only way to do that is to demand perfection of yourself.




You did a fine job in correctlng the most serious mistakes. Like I said at the top of this post, however, you need to strive for perfection. You do this one word at a time, one poem at a time.

Keep working on it and one day you'll be able to submit a poem for consideration and the poets here will tell you what's right or wrong with your poem, as a poem, without even being aware of the difficulties you've had to surmount.

Good Luck!

.
.
Quote:
Originally Posted by unpredictablebijou View Post
LeBroz, you're a jewel.


Wolfie, I'm really pleased and impressed to see you working so hard and having such a pragmatic and non-defensive attitude about your work.

Here are two exercises I'd like to suggest, in hopes that they'll help you become more flexible and more creative within your writing. Poets tend to do lots of "workout" exercises; ways to practice playing our scales so that when we write we've got the chops already in place. Most of the time one doesn't expect to glean a 'poem' out of every word one writes; about 90% of the words I put on paper never see the light of day; they're just practice.

So. Consider a couple of things.

First, rewrite this piece as prose, without the rhyme, just focusing on what message you're trying to get across. Read through it and imagine that you're actually saying it to someone. See how it feels being read aloud.

Second, take your favorite line or two out of this piece and use them as seeds to write an entirely new poem, or maybe two or three. Don't even think of it as "I'm going to write a poem now," just think in terms of doing some brainstorming and expressing yourself on paper.

I think doing stuff like this is a majority of the task of a writer - practice, practice practice. If at some point a jewel emerges from the mud, well that's cool, but mostly you just keep diggin'.

Good luck!

bijou
thanks twice over i alrady do the second im working on one now that spawned its self from a verse from one my other poems that i havent posted
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Old 12-30-2007, 09:52 PM   #7
wolfknight20
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Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfknight20 View Post
Angel's Tears

an angel's sorrow made me weep
so dig a grave and dig it deep
cause just to hear you say, that's so sweet
I'd gladly fall six feet

and just to earn the
privilege of holding your hand
without a doubt I'd give up
my place in the promised land

cause you made my blood run cold and deep
for just the thought of you alone
is enough to make the devil weep

even though my heart is cold
as ice and hard as stone
the ice does melt
when we're alone

as does the stone
turn into sand
with just a touch
of your soft hand

and the darkness
within my soul does change to light
with just a look
from your eyes so bright
ive made the corritions suggested and i greatly apericate the help that has been offered
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Old 03-25-2009, 01:33 AM   #8
RadicalFlower
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WHat Beatifull Work .. I Loved it!!
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Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on


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Old 03-26-2009, 12:39 AM   #9
wolfknight20
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thank you im working on some new ones and will post them when im satisfied with them
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Old 04-01-2009, 09:25 PM   #10
SinnamonSecret
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Angels Tears

Wolf!
I am very new to this site but I have to say that I liked your poem very much. The two comments made are great ones. Take them in a positive way, They will take you far.

Maybe I will have the courage to write a poem here if I can get this type of critism.

Ok, Peace to yo & your commentators!
Sinn
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Old 04-01-2009, 09:26 PM   #11
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Angels Tears

That is "you & yours! lol
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Old 04-01-2009, 09:27 PM   #12
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Angels Tears

I mean you and yours! lol
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Old 04-01-2009, 10:08 PM   #13
wolfknight20
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thank you sinamon I've a few others I've posted and some i haven't i hope one day to brake in to the music biz as a song writer or a singer song writer my friends and i are already working on starting a band so who knows
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