Polyamory

I guess my husband and I are viewed as a pretty good example of a healthy poly couple because several folks have asked me how we do it, and we have been complimented a lot here recently. I have been getting a lot of questions in private conversations and PM's here lately asking me for advice on poly relationships.

I want to start this thread for people who have questions about polyamory, or are already involved in a poly relationship to offer up their advice and what works for them etc.. I don't want this thread to be for debate, hence putting it in the cafe. I want it to be used for those who need help to ask for advice, and for those of us in poly relationships to have a thread to discuss issues in. I know polyamory isn't for everyone..and I know everyone doesn't agree with it. I don't want this thread to turn into a debate about that. I believe it has been debated to death in other threads.

Just a place where people can seek advice and offer up opinions on how they maintain a healthy poly relationship.

Hey, N., it might be helpful if you explain how you and J. got started in the poly "lifestyle" (hate that word, but couldn't think of another one off the top of my head) and how you handle your relationship now.

I'm really glad to see a thread about poly that's not concerned with "Is it right or wrong?" or "How do you feel about it?" This'll probably turn into a fun thread and a good place to hang out.

Oh, shit, now I totally feel like I said something that belongs in the Playground.

BiBunny said:

Hey, N., it might be helpful if you explain how you and J. got started in the poly "lifestyle" (hate that word, but couldn't think of another one off the top of my head) and how you handle your relationship now.

I'm really glad to see a thread about poly that's not concerned with "Is it right or wrong?" or "How do you feel about it?" This'll probably turn into a fun thread and a good place to hang out.

Oh, shit, now I totally feel like I said something that belongs in the Playground.

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I can do that..lol I have been with my husband J since I was 15 years old, so 11 years. We have been poly for about the last two years or so. It was actually my husband's idea for us to open our marriage to others after I finally got the courage to tell him about my submissive desires. I told him expecting him to want a divorce, or think I was a freak, he's rather vanilla, but I was shocked by how he responded.

At first we started out "swinging" for lack of a better term. We decided the best way to start out would to be together for at least the first few times to see how we would react to things. We found that it was something that turned us both on..and we handled it a lot better than we thought we would.

About six months in I found someone that I really clicked with. He's been my Dom for the last year and a half or so (barring a two month break) This was also introducing something else into our marriage..actual polyamory. I fell head over heels in love with my Dom. We learned that it is possible to love more than one person..and it doesn't decrease our love for each other at all.

What works for us..
1. Communication - We talk, and talk, and talk..we discuss everything. It's very important to bring up any issues right away before they can fester into something else. We also sit down and discuss how things are going, even when there are no problems, just to connect to each other. All parties have to have the comfort of knowing if there is an issue, it can be discussed without hard feelings, and a solution can be worked on. (It's noteworthy I think to add that my husband and I are not in a D/s relationship)

2. Jealousy- I can't say that jealousy doesn't exist in poly relationships. It's human nature and it has come up in the relationship between J and I on occasion. The way we handle it is #1..lol. We talk about it, we discuss why one of us is having these feelings, and what can be done to fix things.

3. Understanding of each others needs- I have to give my husband the most credit here. Since he is vanilla he tries very hard to understand my desires and understand the dynamic between my Dom and I. To help him to understand this I've bought him books to read on D/s relationships and sent him links to websites to help him understand. It also all goes back to #1..lol. He knows if he has an issue he can talk to me and I will do my best to explain things to him.

4. What's good for the goose is good for the gander..lol- (again we are not in a D/s dynamic) A problem I've seen in a lot of poly relationships is that one partner wants to have their cake and eat it too.. They want the freedom to see other partners but don't like the idea of their S/O having that same freedom. My husband and I went into this "lifestyle" with the understanding that this was for the benefit for both of us, so that's never been an issue for us..but I think it's valid to bring up.

Ok BiBunny I hope this helps out some..lol

Polyamory began with Fi and I a few years ago.. in theory anyway. We played Everquest together and a friend of mine was into the lifestyle. She came to visit us on her way to Pennsic one year and she was just as frank as could be about the topic. It left Fi and I a little speechless at times.. but the idea stuck in our head

In time we settled with the thought that, we love one another, we are comfortable with one another.. and in the end.. we would be together. There was a comfort level.. so when the opportunity arose.. the freedom was allowed... the only caveat is honesty.

It's not necessarily "tell all" like, hey we did this and that.. but if you ask, i will tell.. no secrets

anyway... that is a very condensed version

malinborn said:

Polyamory began with Fi and I a few years ago.. in theory anyway. We played Everquest together and a friend of mine was into the lifestyle. She came to visit us on her way to Pennsic one year and she was just as frank as could be about the topic. It left Fi and I a little speechless at times.. but the idea stuck in our head

In time we settled with the thought that, we love one another, we are comfortable with one another.. and in the end.. we would be together. There was a comfort level.. so when the opportunity arose.. the freedom was allowed... the only caveat is honesty.

It's not necessarily "tell all" like, hey we did this and that.. but if you ask, i will tell.. no secrets

anyway... that is a very condensed version

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Yay! I'm glad that you posted. I was hoping you and Fi would add to the thread. From what I can see, and what I've been told you and Fi have a very healthy poly relationship also.

I like your number 4 nh.

I've seen a number of times where one partner wanted to be able to have multiple partners but didn't want thier SO to be involved with any one else. It can work, in theory, just like most any situation I guess, but I have not witnessed a successfull harrem. I supose they are out there tho.

I think comunication is the key in most relationships, but it is vital here. When comunication breaks down, that's when things like jelousy and other ickies can fester and turn into something rotten. I think most issues can be avioded long before it does serious damage, if all parties keep the line of comunication open. This how ever is some times easier said than done. I consider myself a talker, but i have had my moments when I have pulled away and refused to talk. When I realize that I am having one of these moments, when I am pulling away and starting to let icky feelings bubble, I force myself to write a long email and I put every thing I'm feeling in it. No matter how petty it might sound to me, the tiniest of issues will go in this email. That gets things out there, and once they are out, they can be delt with.

Thank You Wenchie! I like the idea of writing an email when you can't quite talk about the way your feeling at a given moment. Great advice!

Thanks, N. and Malin, for sharing your stories. I'm looking forward to seeing what Fi has to say, too, because I'm betting Malin will direct her toward this thread. There are several other folks I'd like to see post as well.

Anyway, Kitty and I have a poly relationship, too, but we basically started out this way. I know it's possible to be bisexual and monogamous, but neither of us are really wired that way, so I guess we just always knew that there'd be other men in our lives (and perhaps other women as well).

I have this fantasy of my own little poly dreamhouse. (For the record, I know it'd be damn near impossible to actually do, but a girl can dream, right?) I call it a dreamhouse, but none of the participants would have to actually live together all the time. I'd want me and Kitty and a couple of bi men (one who's mostly dominant, though occasionally wants to bottom, and one who's mostly or completely submissive). I definitely want Kitty, me, and the two bi boys, though we might play with other submissives of either gender or even accept one/some of them into our relationship(s).

I think in an arrangement like that, I could be 100% happy, with three or four bisexual partners who could possibly play on either end of the Top/bottom spectrum in any number and combination of people. I guess it'd be sort of a poly-fidelity arrangement, and if I had deep, strong feelings for all the people involved, it'd be Bunny Heaven.

Like I said, it's lovely in theory, but it'd be damned hard to do in practice. Getting together that many people with similar mindsets and enough maturity and determination to make such a thing work would be highly unlikely. And maybe I'm kind of naive and idealistic to want it, but it's my fantasy, and I can dream about whatever I want.

Nicole
I am going to add to this thread cause as of late I too am in a "poly" relationship and without yours and Fi and Malins help I dont think I would have been able to bring myself to ask for this, as you know nicole my hubby had the same situation and he reacted SO well to my ask ing him he sought out an article and read up on it, and as well Ive told him he is welcome to find a partner as well that will explore his kinks... Here is an link to an article on "poly" http://www.tangomag.com/2006130/portrait-of-an-open-marriage-2.html/12


when I read this article my husband sat next to me and told me he loves me enough he would do this for us....

I am blessed and I am fortunate.... is all I can say for me..
I am glad this thread got started

Thank You for the link SKL! This thread was in part inspired by you, so I hope it is helpful to you and others. I'm so glad to hear things are going well for you and your hubby!

You know, I know some people might not react well to the idea of poly, but I think a lot of other people are a lot more open-minded than we often give them credit for being. I think a lot of it has to do with how it's approached, more than anything. SKL, I'm glad your husband reacted favorably to your suggestion.

Thank you Nic and Bunny yes I am so thankful he reacted how he did and without youre advice on how to bring it up N I dont think I could have succeeded now does anyone wanna help me find a playmate for hubby? LOL



bunnyNH

Just a quick hello

Since I am not currently involved in a poly household, I don't have much to add but I did want to say hello.

Luna_Wolf72 said:

Since I am not currently involved in a poly household, I don't have much to add but I did want to say hello.

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*drools at the Luna sighting* Hello!

Luna_Wolf72 said:

Since I am not currently involved in a poly household, I don't have much to add but I did want to say hello.

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I'm not currently involved in one, either (I just like to hear myself talk sometimes, I think), but we always welcome the likes of Luna around these parts!

*chimes in cheerfully*

Here I am!

<giggles>

Ok... I dont know what I could add that Malin didnt.

I agree with Nicole that the number one priority has to be communication, followed closely by trust.

Growing up as conservative as I did, it was hard for me to really believe this could work. Then when we met our friend, and the more she talked and the more we read on the subject, it was something we wanted to try.

It wasnt really a "decision". We didnt sit down and say, "from this day henceforth we shall be polyamorous!". I remember having a crush on a friend from online and meeting him along with a group of other friends in Chicago and Malin saying, "well.. if the situation DOES present itself.. it's ok". Nothing happened that weekend, but it opened the door for us to become poly fully.

There's a book, The Ethical Slut, that I would strongly suggest anyone thinking of becoming poly read first. I know one of my assignments from Master was to write a report on chapter 7 (Jealousy).

This isnt to say that Malin and I dont have our moments. It's funny, I'm not really jealous of him and his OSO's and I dont think he's jealous of mine. We've had our OSO's visit at the same time or while one of us was here. The only rule then is no making out (PDA is ok) in front of the other. We also dont ask for details, unless if affects us directly. Master has asked Malin what HIS limits are as far as what can be done to me. For example, I like being slapped in the face during a scene, but Master and I wont do that when Malin's around because he doesnt handle seeing his wife struck very well.

I've been in my relationship for just over a year, and I love him deeply. I tease him that I'm poly but I really just have two husbands. I'm willing to answer any questions that anyone has

SubKekiLee said:

Thank you Nic and Bunny yes I am so thankful he reacted how he did and without youre advice on how to bring it up N I dont think I could have succeeded now does anyone wanna help me find a playmate for hubby? LOL



bunnyNH

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I thought he didnt want a playmate. Honestly, until he acts as though he wants one, I wouldnt push. I'm sure he's still stunned by this, give him time to adjust and see if another person is what he wants, and make sure finding him a playmate isnt something to soothe any lingering guilt you might have...

EmpressFi said:

I thought he didnt want a playmate. Honestly, until he acts as though he wants one, I wouldnt push. I'm sure he's still stunned by this, give him time to adjust and see if another person is what he wants, and make sure finding him a playmate isnt something to soothe any lingering guilt you might have...

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well to be honest he has said it all in day.. at one time he said no hed be okay.. and then he said he wanted to find one.. then he said hed be happy if I just had a threesome with him to soothe him,, so right now he is all over the board.. we shall see.. I am not pushing it I told him however he wants it

but yeah it isnt my guilt speaking.. cause to be honest Im not feeling guilt as I had been in the past... I like that I can be myself now

Thank You Fi! I was hoping we could get you in here!

SubKekiLee said:

Im not feeling guilt as I had been in the past... I like that I can be myself now

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It's a damn good feeling, isn't it?

I have really enjoyed reading this thread so far, tons of insight.

Thank you

@}-}rebecca---- said:

I have really enjoyed reading this thread so far, tons of insight.

Thank you

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*blushes* Aww..thank you rebecca. I was hoping it would do just that.

Another issue I see becoming a problem for many in poly is time division...how is it managed and what are the ramifications, if any, of that management? For instance, Christmas or any other day such as birthdays when family and being together is often a part of celebrating...for us, it means being with those who are a significant part of our lives...how is that managed with a couple who may each have another SO, who may also have other SO's, and also children or parents who might be used to being included?

Catalina

catalina_francisco said:

Another issue I see becoming a problem for many in poly is time division...how is it managed and what are the ramifications, if any, of that management? For instance, Christmas or any other day such as birthdays when family and being together is often a part of celebrating...for us, it means being with those who are a significant part of our lives...how is that managed with a couple who may each have another SO, who may also have other SO's, and also children or parents who might be used to being included?

Catalina

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I spend the holidays with my husband and children. My Dom and I will choose another day to spend together to celebrate. It's not really important which day we do it, just that we get to spend time together. As far as just everyday life, my Dom has certain times of the day that he will call and I make sure that I have my family taken care of so that I can give that time to him. If something comes up he is understanding of that, but it rarely happens. Same with time spent together face to face. I normally get to see him a few times a month. I do what needs to be done for my family in advance so I know they are well taken care of when I'm gone.

right. NH I made the same commitment... I promised him my "family" was first.... My dom has the same situation we made a commitment when we started.... FAMILY FIRST..... when we do talk it is usually when we both can make the time and we both understand that can be difficult at times... or when we see one another..