The clinically depressed Top

Yep, that would be me.

After more or less 6 months of not being functional and generally feeling like a failure, I had a break-down a few days ago, and someone pointed out to me that I needed to see a doctor. Funny it never occured to me that the insomnia, oversleeping, significant weight lost, and general inability to accomplish the smallest task were symptoms of something wrong beyond me not being able to just pull myself together.

Got out of the doctor's office with a diagnosis of major clinical depression, anti-depressant medication, and a recomendation to see a therapist.

Yeh genetics, academia and poverty!

And I can't even have a scotch now.

*HUGS and HUGS*

I'm so sorry.

Been there. It doesn't last forever, and now I'm clean of antidepressants, done with therapy and never felt better in my life. So buck up.

I hope that you are able to get things back on track. I've been there, and I know it's hard

Wow!

An all too rare RR sighting!

Good for you for taking care of yourself. What makes a strong person, and an attractive Top (in my book), is being able to recognize what's going on in yourself and taking steps to care for yourself. Not blaming others. Not blaming the world. Responsibility for one's self, first. Good for you, DB.

Sorry to hear about your condition, DB. Hopefully soon the medication and therapy can begin doing their work and you find yourself back in top form.

(hey, Top form, get it? Ok, that was pretty awful)

Thank you for posting about your experiences here. We're rooting for ya.

I know what you are going through...I have been really depressed a few years ago...and although I do have bad days, I do have more good days than bad days now.

{{{HUGS}}}

It will take time, and more time before you can get better, but you will get there! Promise!

Good to hear you are going for therapy along with the medication. It's usually a very successful combination. I wish you well.

DeservingBitch said:

Yep, that would be me.

After more or less 6 months of not being functional and generally feeling like a failure, I had a break-down a few days ago, and someone pointed out to me that I needed to see a doctor. Funny it never occured to me that the insomnia, oversleeping, significant weight lost, and general inability to accomplish the smallest task were symptoms of something wrong beyond me not being able to just pull myself together.

Got out of the doctor's office with a diagnosis of major clinical depression, anti-depressant medication, and a recomendation to see a therapist.

Yeh genetics, academia and poverty!

And I can't even have a scotch now.

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Last time I felt like this I ended on pills as well yes. I went to the doc for some usual exam and she just asked me how I was.. I didnt handle that well. I just broke down. I couldnt even tell her what was goin on, I was just crying and couldnt stop and she understood. She asked me whats wrong few days later and gave me some anti-depressant, I was using it for months. Throwed them away when I get back together with my exhusband cuz I thought he was all I needed, now I regret it cuz I am right where I was. And if I wasn't pregnant I would be already using those pills again.

I remeber my ex laughing at me when I told him I need anti-depressant to be "usable". I never told him this, but deep inside I told to myself "if you just knew I feel this shit just cuz of YOU you fuking bitch!!" ~sigh~


I know what you goin thro DB and I am sorry you feel like this, it just suck... I hope you will get better soon!! Do whatever makes you happy and surround yaself with people who loves you, it helps alot.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

rosco rathbone said:

Been there. It doesn't last forever, and now I'm clean of antidepressants, done with therapy and never felt better in my life. So buck up.

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At the risk of sounding like a parrot, same here. Good luck!

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, hell it was so much fun my body chemistry decides to take me there again and again.

Hope the meds that you are started on work well for you.

Db

I am going through the same thing right now. It was part of why I decided to leave BDSM alone for the nonce. I can not be a the type of person I want to be right now and the added pressure of trying was making me suicidal. Therapy and Zoloft...plus an additional scrip for Trazadone (i haven't slept more than 2-3 hours a night in a month and a half)

Anyway, I will add you to my altar. Dealing with clinical depression (not to mention other things) is hard...and you are awesome for getting the help when you need it instead of putting it off (for months) like I did.

DeservingBitch said:

And I can't even have a scotch now.

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That's ok, you can pull through this! And you CAN have a hug!

If that isn't too forward.

Thank you all for the nice and encouraging words.

I'm actually feeling somewhat relieved now that I've been diagnosed with this depression shit. In a way, it helps making sense of what my life has been for the last few months and take some of the blame of my shoulders.

I'm hoping that the meds are going to help and I'm working on re-thinking my priorities. Now, if I could just have a scotch with it, it would be great!

And apparently, I'm one of the lucky few whose libido isn't much affected by the depression. Actually, sex and play are one of the few things that were bringing me pleasure and fun in the last few months. "BDSM - your friend through depression". I wonder if that could sell?

DeservingBitch said:

And apparently, I'm one of the lucky few whose libido isn't much affected by the depression. Actually, sex and play are one of the few things that were bringing me pleasure and fun in the last few months. "BDSM - your friend through depression". I wonder if that could sell?

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I have also noticed I still enjoy BDSM when depressed, and almost think it has helped me by giving me a little spark in a sometimes dark world...

Its interesting for me to hear someone else say so...

I notice I have no want for vanilla sex however, when depressed (most the time)

*hugs*

You kick ass, DB. Just sayin'...

Homburg said:

*hugs*

You kick ass, DB. Just sayin'...

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I second that!!!

So I didn't wanna seem like a kiss ass... but since Hom said it, I feel safe...

Homburg said:

*hugs*

You kick ass, DB. Just sayin'...

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You're in the market now, lol, that's funny since I remember the profile saying don't bother...

I thought I'd be smart and use my good questions to get your attention insted of groveling at your feet... *wink*

But... seriously...

Could I volunteer to help you work out some of the stress, as a civil servant kind of thing *cough* of course, *wink*

DeservingBitch said:

And apparently, I'm one of the lucky few whose libido isn't much affected by the depression. Actually, sex and play are one of the few things that were bringing me pleasure and fun in the last few months. "BDSM - your friend through depression". I wonder if that could sell?

Click to expand...

Now this is a hard thing to explain, but I feel the same way and I must admit I use BDSM as a cure pretty often LOL, it just helps so... Thanks God for that!!

I went thro times when you would be really scared if you knew what was going on in my head, well I found out its so much better to be all fired up and horny than being sad and I still prefer this feeling, being kinky greedy sub over being sad. BDSM is one of a less things I am always interested in, cant say that about much things lately cuz if I could I would just sleep. Usualy the more shit I feel the more of pain I crave. Make myself feel better thro BDSM and sex is pretty easy then, God knows why but it is.

As I say, make yaself feel good whatever it takes. I know what it takes in my case and I am not shy to say I use BDSM as a cure. I always liked this and I still do, cant help it it efect me so much, in a good way I mean. I am glad it does actualy cuz I am not willing to go for the pills again and I was never willing to talk with a therapist. I am hard headed bitch, I won't let anyone who knows shit about me talk into my life.

I am not saying the therapists are bad! But I wouldnt go to one, I am too prode to do so. Its the same like admit to my ex I still miss him. I would rather bite off my own tongue than tell him that I still miss him after all he have done to me. That just won't happen. I'll get better one way or another. Theres just 3 things I need. Lots of my lil girl, lots of my Sir and holy peace from everybody else.

Few days ago a wife of my bro came here and saw I was home alone again. She asked me you're home alone, again?? I was like yeh, if you didn't show up I could be home all alone.

I might sound like a bitch, but when I get like this I am not much social, I never was. I need around just very few people and when I get down I don't wanna see anybody at all, so I am not really looking forward for this Xmas cuz what makes others happy, like visits and party's and drinking and jokin - actualy pissing me off or it just makes me cry, so I am rather all alone. I hate to fake smile and I don't need anybodys sorrow either.

As much as I am looking forward for my unborn I don't like talk about it at all. Yesterday I was preparing things for it, clothings etc etc. My sister came here and she was like 'awwww I want a baby too!! Look at those cute little things.' And I was like 'geez, gimme a break.. thank you.'

I am looking forward for my second baby, but things should be different. Let's say that being a single mum with two kids and constant probs with depression is not what I wanted for my kids.... ~sigh~

Hugs and wishes for you, DB... It takes a strong will to actually aknowledge that "someting" is wrong, and to seek help. It's the first step towards healing.

As others have said, been there, done that, bought the Tshirt...

And therapists do help a lot, the most difficult part is finding one that suits you.

You're not alone

Sorry you have joined the club so many of us know too well...good thing is now you know what you are working with, you have the chance to turn things around to a degree, and know why and what, when before it mightn't have made sense.

Catalina

rosco rathbone said:

Been there. It doesn't last forever, and now I'm clean of antidepressants, done with therapy and never felt better in my life. So buck up.

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Said like I woulda said it. It's nice to know sometimes it's your brain on its own quirks, and not some personal flaw, hang in there and feel good.

Thanks again guys for all the support.

And yes, in a weird way, it does make me feel somewhat better about myself to know that I'm not the only one here whose brain is misbehaving. I'll burn in hell I know.

DeservingBitch said:

Thanks again guys for all the support.

And yes, in a weird way, it does make me feel somewhat better about myself to know that I'm not the only one here whose brain is misbehaving. I'll burn in hell I know.

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Nah, you won't. It was a big relief for me to know that others felt like I did, even a bit. When I found out my the store manager and senior assistant are one anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants (respectively), it made me feel better about asking for the time off for my therapy sessions as well as made it not seem so horrible. We never discuss anything but somehow I know, all I have to do is give them that look or say "yeah, today is a bad one" and know they understand completely.

Depression, for me, is very isolating and it helps me to know I'm not alone. Good luck with your therapist. I struck gold the first time out so I wish you equal luck.