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Old 08-14-2013, 06:37 PM   #1
Lrn_The_Ropes
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Question to all the wise ones

My kitten (wife) and my oldest daughter have been having a hell of a time communicating for a long time, some of the issues my be an expression of a change within my daughter. Me, being a man (we need to solve problems) I decided to institute the "Uncle" protocol. Meaning if one says something or uses a tone that is offensive or demeaning to the other they say "uncle". At that time the discussion is to stop and the people need to reevaluate "tone, message, etc." and hopefully come up with a better way to express the selfs.

Ok, enough back story, last night my daughter and kitten were having a some what heated discussion. I finally put the uncle protocol into action, the conversation stopped, and for the most part started back up with the same emotions. I again put the uncle protocol in effect. At that time my kitten seemed to withdrawal into herself, and for lack of a better word became stoic. And very submissive. My reaction was great, she is pissed because I interviend. Needless to say we for the most part slept on our own sides of the bed.

This morning, when we were discussing the night events she stated that I sent her into her submissive mode. I was thinking I sent her into her "you pissed me off, no Boom Boom for you" mode. Now i will freely admit I'm very new to the Dom role, so after this long rambling recount my question is to the experianced Doms out there: Do you still have trouble reading your sub? Also to the subs: Do you still have trouble expressing your desires to your Dom? Thanks for any input.
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Old 08-14-2013, 06:49 PM   #2
Netzach
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lrn_The_Ropes View Post
My kitten (wife) and my oldest daughter have been having a hell of a time communicating for a long time, some of the issues my be an expression of a change within my daughter. Me, being a man (we need to solve problems) I decided to institute the "Uncle" protocol. Meaning if one says something or uses a tone that is offensive or demeaning to the other they say "uncle". At that time the discussion is to stop and the people need to reevaluate "tone, message, etc." and hopefully come up with a better way to express the selfs.

Ok, enough back story, last night my daughter and kitten were having a some what heated discussion. I finally put the uncle protocol into action, the conversation stopped, and for the most part started back up with the same emotions. I again put the uncle protocol in effect. At that time my kitten seemed to withdrawal into herself, and for lack of a better word became stoic. And very submissive. My reaction was great, she is pissed because I interviend. Needless to say we for the most part slept on our own sides of the bed.

This morning, when we were discussing the night events she stated that I sent her into her submissive mode. I was thinking I sent her into her "you pissed me off, no Boom Boom for you" mode. Now i will freely admit I'm very new to the Dom role, so after this long rambling recount my question is to the experianced Doms out there: Do you still have trouble reading your sub? Also to the subs: Do you still have trouble expressing your desires to your Dom? Thanks for any input.
You shut down a situation when you're better off removing yourself if you don't want to hear it. Mother/daughter development is going to involve these clashes, and messing with that too badly is going to mess things up. It's nature - it passes.

I do think the tool you gave out - an emotional safeword - is a great one, and I think if you want to model "fair fighting" then you'll get a lot further than you will by trying to dictate it - make sense? You could also talk about fighting fair one on one with the kid, it's a good conversation to have when everything is cooled down.

You should also talk about sending her into sub mode in front of the kids, because this is a serious issue and you are best off avoiding those triggers. I grew up with an incredibly wall-to-wall submissive mother and I still deal with a lot of anger over the feeling of being betrayed and undefended - I felt like *I* was the line of defense for her and me as a child, and that was very crappy. Watching someone who needs to be in an authority position in regard to you get usurped right there in front of you is really destabilizing - doesn't matter if it's another authority family figure doing that.
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In the spirit of equal time, sites like Huffington Post should have sections for male anatomy hanging out instead of just the idiotic celebrity “side boob” and “nip slip” camera ops. I have no idea what that would be like to have a camera in my face at every turn, looking for “the” shot. I know what some of you are saying. “Then why do they wear clothes like that unless they want those photos taken?” I don’t know what to tell ya. Perhaps just don’t take the fuckin picture? Evolve? I don’t know. - Henry Rollins

Last edited by Netzach : 08-14-2013 at 06:52 PM.
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Old 08-14-2013, 06:55 PM   #3
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Sound advise, I have tried to remove myself from the situation only to find myself dragged back in. It seems that there is a potential Alpha Female dispute brewing. When one talks to the other there is either an accusatory or defensive tone used. Drives me nuts. "Can't we all just get along?"
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Old 08-14-2013, 06:57 PM   #4
Netzach
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lrn_The_Ropes View Post
Sound advise, I have tried to remove myself from the situation only to find myself dragged back in. It seems that there is a potential Alpha Female dispute brewing. When one talks to the other there is either an accusatory or defensive tone used. Drives me nuts. "Can't we all just get along?"
It's a great time to scoot, but not completely - what helped me a LOT was my stepdad being in another room, but ready to talk when I came to him.
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In the spirit of equal time, sites like Huffington Post should have sections for male anatomy hanging out instead of just the idiotic celebrity “side boob” and “nip slip” camera ops. I have no idea what that would be like to have a camera in my face at every turn, looking for “the” shot. I know what some of you are saying. “Then why do they wear clothes like that unless they want those photos taken?” I don’t know what to tell ya. Perhaps just don’t take the fuckin picture? Evolve? I don’t know. - Henry Rollins
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Old 08-14-2013, 07:02 PM   #5
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I'll give that a try, so from your perspective it is normal
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Old 08-14-2013, 07:04 PM   #6
Netzach
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I'll give that a try, so from your perspective it is normal

Starting from middle school and getting closer to leaving for college - it ought to happen in there and heat up before she goes. We drive the young from the nest hard, even if we don't want to admit it.
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In the spirit of equal time, sites like Huffington Post should have sections for male anatomy hanging out instead of just the idiotic celebrity “side boob” and “nip slip” camera ops. I have no idea what that would be like to have a camera in my face at every turn, looking for “the” shot. I know what some of you are saying. “Then why do they wear clothes like that unless they want those photos taken?” I don’t know what to tell ya. Perhaps just don’t take the fuckin picture? Evolve? I don’t know. - Henry Rollins
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Old 08-14-2013, 07:32 PM   #7
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Starting from middle school and getting closer to leaving for college - it ought to happen in there and heat up before she goes. We drive the young from the nest hard, even if we don't want to admit it.
Yep, it gets really really ugly there in those last few years. On the upside, I haven't ever been closer to my mom than I was after moving out. I love her to pieces even though she suffered some of the same problem Nets's mom did I guess, we've both grown a lot since and we're very close now. I'd almost rather be homeless than have to move back in with her, but we're very close. :P
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Old 08-14-2013, 07:42 PM   #8
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Do they otherwise have a good relationship and this is a blow-through storm? Because how you deal with it depends entirely on their personalities and the conflict.

If you stay out of it when you think one of them is actually right, you can do damage.

If you get involved just to be there because you think you should due to role assumptions, you can do damage.

How serious is it, is it "you used my skirt and stained it" or is it an expression of something deeply embedded, and if so, what are the chances of resolving?

When I grew up nobody talked about anything and we were stoic. Resulting in one brother not knowing the other brother was gay until his funeral. There's an extreme to detachment and I've seen it.

Do you feel you can contribute meaningfully? Then do so.

I'm afraid the withholding of sex is something I can't compute. I mean, I know I'm a girl and all and stereotypes of us say we do that...but it isn't something I think of as a mature, loving reaction to someone you're supposed to be mature and loving with. But then I just really like sex. With my husband. I don't think any argument in 15 years or so has pushed me even close to that camp. I like the guy.
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Old 08-14-2013, 08:03 PM   #9
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To Netzach and Copilot, looks like I'm in for a rough couple of years, I have two daughters. I try to remain neutral as best I can, but I get the you take (insert name here's) side. I do call them on it when they are out of line, I was trying a different approach to see if I could get them to listen to the tone on how they communicate. My wife's reaction was not expected and tossed me for a loop.

To Recidiva: I don't think it was about withholding sex, I think it was a total misread on the situation on both parts. We were both looking at it like "great the other person is mad". Also there was some frustration on both parts about not being able to decide where we wanted to spend a long weekend coming up. I'm happy to say I booked a place so that monkey is off our back.

Thanks for all the insight and perspectives much appreciated.
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Old 08-14-2013, 08:09 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lrn_The_Ropes View Post
To Netzach and Copilot, looks like I'm in for a rough couple of years, I have two daughters. I try to remain neutral as best I can, but I get the you take (insert name here's) side. I do call them on it when they are out of line, I was trying a different approach to see if I could get them to listen to the tone on how they communicate. My wife's reaction was not expected and tossed me for a loop.

To Recidiva: I don't think it was about withholding sex, I think it was a total misread on the situation on both parts. We were both looking at it like "great the other person is mad". Also there was some frustration on both parts about not being able to decide where we wanted to spend a long weekend coming up. I'm happy to say I booked a place so that monkey is off our back.

Thanks for all the insight and perspectives much appreciated.
Oh! Okay. Good, it sounds like you have a grasp of it. That's different. You're Chip and Dale-ing each other. A sign of manners.

I have a daughter...who is now in grad school. Mostly the communication we have in our home is fairly direct...my son has Asperger's, nobody can really afford hurt feelings or he'd get punched all the time. I do know how personalities make the difference!

Happiness to you and enjoy your weekend
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