Forgiveness

Somewhere, I think, Shadowsdream had a thread on Forgiveness. I've searched for it a couple of times and can't find it.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. I have definate beliefs about it and I'm sure lots of people won't agree with me. That's okay and it would sure add to a discussion, either way, if anyone wants to discuss it, that is.

I think one of the more admirable traits of human beings is their ability to constantly change and adapt. People do change their views over time, change their outlook, change their ability to accept things that they didn't before. Most people continue to grow and learn and relearn. We make mistakes and misjudgements and most of us learn from them. That's the beauty of being alive. We aren't static creatures.

For the sincere person, it's embarrassing to ask for forgiveness. There's shame involved when you have to ask someone to accept your apology. It's a difficult thing to do. People behave in ways that are often never fully understood by others, or many times by the person himself. And it's not my place to decide if that person is sincere or not. I won't make that judgement.

But I will always forgive. For me, the bigger sin (you can use another word if "sin" doesn't work for you) is to NOT forgive when it's asked of you. I know, and I'm sure that there are others who know, how painful it is to apologize and then have it not accepted or ignored. Because I know how that feels, how much it takes to ask for forgiveness and how painful the denial from another is, I won't ever make someone else feel like that.

Now, you can take this to the extreme, which I'm not in this thread, and I could not forgive someone who murdered my child. I am not that holy. I am not that God-full. But that's not the kind of forgiveness I'm talking about.

For me, it's important to forgive and to be forgiven in order to put things into some kind of perspective. It's a way for me to put things behind me and try to start new again. I understand that our pain thresholds are different and some people aren't able to forgive because the pain caused is too much. I try to set aside how I feel and look at the pain (whether it's real or an act is again, not my place to judge) that the other is suffering in asking me to forgive.

My perspective on this will not be the same as many others. For instance, I've never suffered domestic abuse or rape in my life. Forgiving in those instances is outside my realm of experience. And again, it's not my place to judge how much pain is too much to accept an apology or offer forgiveness. I only know how much pain would be too much for me, i.e. the murder of my child or something similarly horrendous.

Now, you ask "what does this have to do with BDSM?" I forgave a Dom-guy friend of mine this last week for physically and emotionally hurting me. I forgave him because we both needed to put it behind us and learn from it. Again, there were extenuating circumstances that at the time that I was not aware of and I had no idea what was behind his behavior. And because I didn't respond to him in a way that he needed me to, at the time, because again, I had no idea what was happening "behind the scenes", sorta speak. (Could that be any more confusing?)

The entire experience shook our trust in each other, but that's maybe another thread.

I know that in this particular instance, I have to own some of the blame for not being as receptive and intuitive of his feelings as I should've been. But forgiving and being forgiven has allowed me to shut the door on that experience and move on. I think for him, too.

Forgiveness is like a cut diamond to me. There are just that many facets to it.

Someone shoot me. I've never made a post that long in my entire life.

BANG

Better?

Seriously, I agree. I don't always instantly forgive, but I will honestly tell them "I'm still hurt, but I will forgive you".

Beyond that religious reasons behing why I forgive, I think that holding grudges is (a) childish and (b) not good for the person holding the grudge. My mother, the champion grudge holder and the person who follows her advice the least, told me that holding a grudge only hurts the grudge-holder, not the person they're angry with.

Sometimes length is necessary to properly express yourself.

I tend to not hold grudges. My mother is famous for it, still holding grudges against me for things decades gone, and against my father for longer than that. I made a promise to myself at a young age that I would not hold onto my anger so obssessively. I've stayed true to that promise. I don't hold grudges.

My problem is that certain things I do not forgive easily, chief amongst them is betrayal of trust. While I may not hold a grudge, I do not trust afterwards. I am thinking of a particular example from my own life where I was deeply betrayed by someone that I considered to be family, blood or not. At the time, I would have gladly broken every personal rule I have against violence toward women, and would've broken her in half. Knowing this, I warned her and her husband that she should not be around me for her own safety. Today, a couple of weeks later, I bear no desire to cause her harm. She is going to remain out of my life, as I don't trust her, and this sort of offense cannot be forgivien, but I am not angry at her. It's not worth keeping.

I guess what I am saying is that I understand where you are coming from. Forgiveness is am amazing thing. I've had to ask for it myself recently. It was a humbling experience, as I don' tusually worry about such things. There are times, however, when such measires are necessary to mend fences with those you care about.

graceanne said:

BANG

Better?

Seriously, I agree. I don't always instantly forgive, but I will honestly tell them "I'm still hurt, but I will forgive you".

Beyond that religious reasons behing why I forgive, I think that holding grudges is (a) childish and (b) not good for the person holding the grudge. My mother, the champion grudge holder and the person who follows her advice the least, told me that holding a grudge only hurts the grudge-holder, not the person they're angry with.

Click to expand...

Grudges... now that's a whole other side to this. And thank you for bringing it up, Grace.

I agree with you completely. I've never understood carrying that kind of baggage around. My way is to say what's on my mind, get it out in the open and move on. People who carry a grudge, carry all that negativity around and it's not only bad for their health but it makes for a very miserable person. Not to mention, it's totally counter-productive.

Homburg said:

Sometimes length is necessary to properly express yourself.

I tend to not hold grudges. My mother is famous for it, still holding grudges against me for things decades gone, and against my father for longer than that. I made a promise to myself at a young age that I would not hold onto my anger so obssessively. I've stayed true to that promise. I don't hold grudges.

My problem is that certain things I do not forgive easily, chief amongst them is betrayal of trust. While I may not hold a grudge, I do not trust afterwards. I am thinking of a particular example from my own life where I was deeply betrayed by someone that I considered to be family, blood or not. At the time, I would have gladly broken every personal rule I have against violence toward women, and would've broken her in half. Knowing this, I warned her and her husband that she should not be around me for her own safety. Today, a couple of weeks later, I bear no desire to cause her harm. She is going to remain out of my life, as I don't trust her, and this sort of offense cannot be forgivien, but I am not angry at her. It's not worth keeping.

I guess what I am saying is that I understand where you are coming from. Forgiveness is am amazing thing. I've had to ask for it myself recently. It was a humbling experience, as I don' tusually worry about such things. There are times, however, when such measires are necessary to mend fences with those you care about.

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That last line is the most important thing, to me, in your post.

I have to know that I've made a sincere effort to make amends with someone. As long as I know it, then whether they forgive me or not, I can forgive myself and move ahead.

I don't always believe it's best to forgive. I go against the stream that way. Some things are simply unforgivable. I don't believe it hurts a person to know that and live with it.

Forgetting is also something I think can be damaging. You are apt to fall into the same shit again if you forgive and forget.

Some things are easy to forgive though. Things that others think are a big deal I don't have a problem with.

It varies for me.

A Desert Rose said:

That last line is the most important thing, to me, in your post.

I have to know that I've made a sincere effort to make amends with someone. As long as I know it, then whether they forgive me or not, I can forgive myself and move ahead.

Click to expand...

Yesterday, I went to lunch with the husband of the woman I mentioned in my previous post, and that is why I was so voluable on the topic. It has been prominent in my mind lately.

He is my little brother, and it doesn't matter that we're not blood. Lunch lasted three hours, as we both ignored our work days just to hang out and be friends. It was awesome. Ruined my chances of getting anything done yesterday, but this guy has been an adopted part of my family for a very long time (he calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad", and means it), and I won't lose him because his wife is a piece of shit. Luckily he can compartmentalise and isn't worried about the fact that I never want to see her again.

And, yes, I apologised to him. Even though I didn't strictly feel it was necessary, it was what I needed to do. The people you love are worth more than pride, even bloated, over-arching pride like mine.

And I'm still working hard to forgive myself. It's probably the toughest thing for me to do.

FurryFury said:

I don't always believe it's best to forgive. I go against the stream that way. Some things are simply unforgivable. I don't believe it hurts a person to know that and live with it..

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This I agree with quite a bit. I can be very forgiving of certain things, but some lines will not be crossed, and I am fine with that.

FurryFury said:

I don't always believe it's best to forgive. I go against the stream that way. Some things are simply unforgivable. I don't believe it hurts a person to know that and live with it.

Forgetting is also something I think can be damaging. You are apt to fall into the same shit again if you forgive and forget.

Some things are easy to forgive though. Things that others think are a big deal I don't have a problem with.

It varies for me.

Click to expand...

I'd like to know, only if you'd like to share, what is unforgiveable to you. I've already stated what I could never forgive.

About forgetting? I'm not good at forgetting. LOL Which brings up carrying a grudge again... I don't like to carry a grudge but on the other hand, I have a hard time forgetting when I've been hurt.

I do understand what you mean by "Forgetting is also something I think can be damaging. You are apt to fall into the same shit again if you forgive and forget." I think you have to learn from those things and find a balance where learning from them (not forgetting) doesn't equal carrying a grudge.

At least, that's my view on it. ;-)

Homburg said:

Yesterday, I went to lunch with the husband of the woman I mentioned in my previous post, and that is why I was so voluable on the topic. It has been prominent in my mind lately.

He is my little brother, and it doesn't matter that we're not blood. Lunch lasted three hours, as we both ignored our work days just to hang out and be friends. It was awesome. Ruined my chances of getting anything done yesterday, but this guy has been an adopted part of my family for a very long time (he calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad", and means it), and I won't lose him because his wife is a piece of shit. Luckily he can compartmentalise and isn't worried about the fact that I never want to see her again.

And, yes, I apologised to him. Even though I didn't strictly feel it was necessary, it was what I needed to do. The people you love are worth more than pride, even bloated, over-arching pride like mine.

And I'm still working hard to forgive myself. It's probably the toughest thing for me to do.

Click to expand...

Another really good point (in red). Pride and shame are the same coin, I think, just different sides.

Oh... Pride is a good thing to bring into this whole discussion. I hope other smarter people than I will speak to this topic.

A Desert Rose said:

I'd like to know, only if you'd like to share, what is unforgiveable to you. I've already stated what I could never forgive.

About forgetting? I'm not good at forgetting. LOL Which brings up carrying a grudge again... I don't like to carry a grudge but on the other hand, I have a hard time forgetting when I've been hurt.

I do understand what you mean by "Forgetting is also something I think can be damaging. You are apt to fall into the same shit again if you forgive and forget." I think you have to learn from those things and find a balance where learning from them (not forgetting) doesn't equal carrying a grudge.

At least, that's my view on it. ;-)

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Well I could make a laundry list but deliberately hurting a child is a big one for me.

Rape.

Most murder.

Being cruel to an animal.

A series of things, asking your wife to get pregnant, when she does acting like the world has ended, then demanding an abortion and walking out.

So many things could be put on this list.

I don't consider myself a grudge carrier but some would. I consider myself a survivalist and a realist.

There are people I have loved that have not loved me back in a healthy way. Eventually you have say, enough and cut them loose. You don't have to forgive or forget because then you might let them or someone just like them in. In fact, it's difficult to NOT repeat those patterns. You just have to survive them and make better choices next time.

You go girl....I love when you post more than 3 words or lines and this was exceptional!! Thank you.

Onto the topic... I am not one to hold a grudge, and I am usually fairly quick to give a person the benefit of the doubt again and again, though in latter years I ahve learned that can be tempered with also protecting myself to a degree by not letting myself open to continuous abuse or use while still allowing that person to interact with me, ask for my help/advice and get it, and just co-exist.

I think F has been very instrumental without setting out to be in helping me get to where I am today, partly through his own words and thoughts, and partly through bringing me here. I am healing in ways I never knew or thought would be possible, and that healing has allowed me to forgive. I was talking with a friend today about parts of my life, things my mother had done to me/not done for me, things she said and still says which cut deep and undermined my whole being for most of my life and my friend just said 'and yet I can see you have not only forgiven her but accept her and acknowledge it is her journey but need not affect your own any longer'. It was a pretty accurate summarisation of how it is between us these days and the strange position it has placed me in as being the only one my mother fully trusts, feels is mature and doesn't punish her in any way for anything she says or thinks, and understands and is there for her at this point in her life when time is running out.

It doesn't stop her saying the things she knows have hurt me, always with a pre-runner of "I don't mean this to hurt you but...", but I am able to forgive it and put it in it's rightful place, not make it part of my self image or life view anymore, and honestly not resent her for it or twist myself in anguish over it anymore. For me in reaching that point where I not only say I forgive, but actually feel it in my heart, it has freed me and taken the power out of the words/actions which crippled me in the past...if I continued to resent it, feel a need for her to change etc., it would give power to the negativity and I am past that. It has been an incredible journey and an amazing point of realisation to reach and feel.

Catalina

FurryFury said:

Well I could make a laundry list but deliberately hurting a child is a big one for me.

Rape.

Most murder.

Being cruel to an animal.

A series of things, asking your wife to get pregnant, when she does acting like the world has ended, then demanding an abortion and walking out.

So many things could be put on this list.

I don't consider myself a grudge carrier but some would. I consider myself a survivalist and a realist.

There are people I have loved that have not loved me back in a healthy way. Eventually you have say, enough and cut them loose. You don't have to forgive or forget because then you might let them or someone just like them in. In fact, it's difficult to NOT repeat those patterns. You just have to survive them and make better choices next time.

Click to expand...

Okay and I can agree with your list of unforgiveables. And like I said this thread was really not about those extremes or at least it was not my initial intent for it to be about those extremes.

Addressing that in red: In other words, you've learned from the experience and moved on? Would that be a good assessment of what you said?

Honestly Fury, I don't know how anyone can truly forget the hurt and I agree with you on that. Remembering the hurt and learning from it and to keep learning from it, is part of growing as a person. I think that remembering does not make you a grudge carrier. I think that remembering the hurt makes you a life-learner or in your words, a survivalist. ;-)

And I think, and maybe I'm wrong on this, that there's a balance between holding a grudge and not forgetting.

But everyone knows, I'm the Jack Handy of Lit. lol

The concept of forgiveness doesn't make sense to me, unless there are tangible consequences for the relationship.


"I accept your apology and bear you no ill will" + "I think it's best if we part ways" = no more than a polite way of actually refusing forgiveness.

It's like walking away without punching someone in the face, giving the finger, or vowing retribution. Yeah, okay, on the surface you're being polite about it. But you are still walking. And in my book, that speaks just as loudly as a slap in the face.


In contrast, genuine forgiveness would be: "I accept your apology and am willing to work together to get back what we had in our relationship before the offending transgression."

That's real pardon. Anything else is ultimately meaningless.

A Desert Rose said:

Another really good point (in red). Pride and shame are the same coin, I think, just different sides.

Oh... Pride is a good thing to bring into this whole discussion. I hope other smarter people than I will speak to this topic.

Click to expand...

My pride has been kicked firmly in the balls repeatedly lately. No idea if I am qualified to talk about it due to my proximity with aforementioned testicular trauma to my pride.

Actually, I take it as a good thing. I was a hugely uptight moral hard-ass, and very quick to look down on people whom I felt either had no internal moral compass, or had failed to uphold their own professed morals.

Well, taking a trip into polyamorous land was, for me, a HUGE abandonment of my own tightly held, rigidly enforced morals. Marriage is exclusive, anything else is cheating unless the marriage is open, open marriages aren't for me, etc. When I realised this, I had to reexamine both my own morals and how I'd acted towards others on moral conundrums.

I've not restructured myself as a libertine, but I have realised that my own morality probaly was not the best thing for me, and that certain parts were in place simply to protect me from my own darker urges. On the other hand, I did realise that, wow, I was a self-righteous prick, and really needed to calm down big-time. Both of these conclusions had a stark humbling effect on me.

My pride is no longer quite so monolithic. I still grates on my soul to ask forgiveness, and I kneel before no one, but damned if I am not capable now of asking for forgiveness in a sincere fashion, without completely eviscerating myself because my pride demanded it.

JMohegan said:

The concept of forgiveness doesn't make sense to me, unless there are tangible consequences for the relationship.


"I accept your apology and bear you no ill will" + "I think it's best if we part ways" = no more than a polite way of actually refusing forgiveness.

It's like walking away without punching someone in the face, giving the finger, or vowing retribution. Yeah, okay, on the surface you're being polite about it. But you are still walking. And in my book, that speaks just as loudly as a slap in the face.


In contrast, genuine forgiveness would be: "I accept your apology and am willing to work together to get back what we had in our relationship before the offending transgression."

That's real pardon. Anything else is ultimately meaningless.

Click to expand...

That was what I was trying to say. IMHO you can claim to forgive, but if it is in words only and you choose to not interact with the one you have said you forgive in any way, you are still giving power to whatever it was that required forgiving and not forgiving in a true sense. It is not an easy thing to do...until you do it and then you discover a freedom and lifting of spirit that was held back before.

Catalina

catalina_francisco said:

You go girl....I love when you post more than 3 words or lines and this was exceptional!! Thank you.

Onto the topic... I am not one to hold a grudge, and I am usually fairly quick to give a person the benefit of the doubt again and again, though in latter years I ahve learned that can be tempered with also protecting myself to a degree by not letting myself open to continuous abuse or use while still allowing that person to interact with me, ask for my help/advice and get it, and just co-exist.

Click to expand...

I call this being jaded. It comes with age and experience. LMAO

I think F has been very instrumental without setting out to be in helping me get to where I am today, partly through his own words and thoughts, and partly through bringing me here. I am healing in ways I never knew or thought would be possible, and that healing has allowed me to forgive. I was talking with a friend today about parts of my life, things my mother had done to me/not done for me, things she said and still says which cut deep and undermined my whole being for most of my life and my friend just said 'and yet I can see you have not only forgiven her but accept her and acknowledge it is her journey but need not affect your own any longer'. It was a pretty accurate summarisation of how it is between us these days and the strange position it has placed me in as being the only one my mother fully trusts, feels is mature and doesn't punish her in any way for anything she says or thinks, and understands and is there for her at this point in her life when time is running out.

It doesn't stop her saying the things she knows have hurt me, always with a pre-runner of "I don't mean this to hurt you but...", but I am able to forgive it and put it in it's rightful place, not make it part of my self image or life view anymore, and honestly not resent her for it or twist myself in anguish over it anymore. For me in reaching that point where I not only say I forgive, but actually feel it in my heart, it has freed me and taken the power out of the words/actions which crippled me in the past...if I continued to resent it, feel a need for her to change etc., it would give power to the negativity and I am past that. It has been an incredible journey and an amazing point of realisation to reach and feel.

Catalina

Click to expand...

That part in red... Good summation of how liberating forgiveness can be!!!

JMohegan said:

The concept of forgiveness doesn't make sense to me, unless there are tangible consequences for the relationship.


"I accept your apology and bear you no ill will" + "I think it's best if we part ways" = no more than a polite way of actually refusing forgiveness.

It's like walking away without punching someone in the face, giving the finger, or vowing retribution. Yeah, okay, on the surface you're being polite about it. But you are still walking. And in my book, that speaks just as loudly as a slap in the face.


In contrast, genuine forgiveness would be: "I accept your apology and am willing to work together to get back what we had in our relationship before the offending transgression."

That's real pardon. Anything else is ultimately meaningless.

Click to expand...

I agree with what you're saying and how clearly you've said it. I admit though, that I'd never looked at it from this perspective.

Without going into a lot of unneccessary (and boring) detail, this guy and I have talked about this at length a couple of times this week. Neither of us wanted this to go the way it was headed, which was the end of our relationship.

Both of us hold blame in the experience and both of us acknowledge that. I guess we failed each other. We are working on getting ahead of this.

A Desert Rose said:

I agree with what you're saying and how clearly you've said it. I admit though, that I'd never looked at it from this perspective.

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Hmm, I'm with you. Although since I've never really been in the situation, I'm not sure I can really know. I'm thinking about people who forgive their rapists, for example (and I know you said this was beyond the scope of your post, ADR, but bear with me). They don't have a relationship with that person, but isn't it possible for them to truly wish them no ill will, and to let the anger go? Maybe there is a continuum of forgiveness...

As for myself, I look at my marriage and think that a lot of the shit I dished out was because I hadn't forgiven my husband for some things. He had apologizes, and I had said I forgave him, but I don't think I really let it go.

Sometimes I do hold onto those feelings, and I don't know how to conquer that. I can rationally and intellectually get it, but I can't fully rid my heart of those feelings of resentment and anger. I don't know how to change that, but I am willing to give it the old college try (am in therapy now).

From what I know from studying Christian ethics, forgiveness isnt an arbitrary-voluntary act. Forgiveness is required once the transgressor does penance and atones for the transgression. But penance and atonement must be voluntary. Otherwise you cannot forgive, and the choice isnt your's to make either way. If they do penance & atonement, youre required to forgive.

If a guy gets drunk and runs your kid down, you may be okay with it and the man ( you might even be happy about it), but he's still obligated to do penance and atonement.

Genuine forgiveness is complete closure. It's complete healing. The transgressor changed his heart and made amends.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

From what I know from studying Christian ethics, forgiveness isnt an arbitrary-voluntary act. Forgiveness is required once the transgressor does penance and atones for the transgression. But penance and atonement must be voluntary. Otherwise you cannot forgive, and the choice isnt your's to make either way. If they do penance & atonement, youre required to forgive.

If a guy gets drunk and runs your kid down, you may be okay with it and the man ( you might even be happy about it), but he's still obligated to do penance and atonement.

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I come more from a Buddhist perspective. I don't believe you can say someone is required to give forgiveness and believe it possible 100% of the time simply because you cannot order how a person feels. You may not agree with their feelings, but you are powerless and somewhat niave to tell someone what and how they must feel and believe it will or expect it to happen. It is part of a process and journey that happens when the time is right and the heart and mind open to receiving it.

Catalina

A Desert Rose said:

Okay and I can agree with your list of unforgiveables. And like I said this thread was really not about those extremes or at least it was not my initial intent for it to be about those extremes.

Addressing that in red: In other words, you've learned from the experience and moved on? Would that be a good assessment of what you said?

Honestly Fury, I don't know how anyone can truly forget the hurt and I agree with you on that. Remembering the hurt and learning from it and to keep learning from it, is part of growing as a person. I think that remembering does not make you a grudge carrier. I think that remembering the hurt makes you a life-learner or in your words, a survivalist. ;-)

And I think, and maybe I'm wrong on this, that there's a balance between holding a grudge and not forgetting.

But everyone knows, I'm the Jack Handy of Lit. lol

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*nods*

I know I'm taking broad stokes here and getting a little off your specific topic and I'm sorry for doing that.

Honestly, people who say you MUST forgive or that it hurts you if you don't, kind of bother me. I get to decide if I want to forgive. I get to decide if it hurts me to do so or not to do so, no one else.

I have learned my my experiences. I've always consciously looked for something different from my past mistakes. The problem is what you look for subconsciously.

I'll be honest, I got lucky this last time more than wise. I see people repeat these patterns over and over again so I'm grateful beyond measure for what I have. I've learned so much but what is primal and instinctive to me often stays the same regardless, you know?

Here are some examples from me:

I have a relative that I have adored for all my life. I've defended her, loved her and worshiped her. She is about ten years older than me. I always offered her free trips and looked for ways to spend more time with her.

Over a period of two years, she repeatly chose to not accept my help and instead enlisted other relatives that were drunk, on drugs and clinically nuts to lie to me and help her instead.

One particular thing that was her fault, she not only didn't apologize for, she also said "I hope this doesn't make a long grudge happen."

That finally woke me up. You can only screw me over so many times. With someone I really love that's three strikes. I will always love her. I may even have forgiven her, in a way but I will never foolishly seek to help her, share my inner most thoughts or spend more time with her again.

She sees me as a child. I once was a child but I am a fully responsible woman now. I could have helped and loved her so much if she'd let me but I'll never be good enough for her. End of story.

My mother constantly apologizes for shit she did to me when I was a kid. I have honestly always felt like she did the best she could and held no ill will toward her. I don't think she needs forgiveness because I think she did her best but when she brings this stuff up I tell her I forgive her and I mean it.

That being said, I can't trust her even now to take care of me, to not make things about her, to not push me for that which I will not give. End of that story.

A good buddy of mine doesn't call me when shit hits the fan in her life. I love her. I forgive her for not loving me the way I'd like but I keep in mind that I am not now nor will I likely ever be the person I'd like to be able to be for her. She doesn't choose me. Oh well.

Me ex hurt me over and over. I let him. I was an adult. I can put that on me but he hurt our child. She was a child. He's dead and I will still never, ever forgive him. I wait and worry and hope she will have a good life despite him or to spite him. I am not sure even now what all he did to her. I do know it was bad enough that she was thinking this is war and thinking up ways to kill him. For a child to do that tells me he was just as horrible as I feared even if he didn't touch her, which I'm not sure about.

My Dad hurt me. There were times I was worried he'd kill me or my Mom. He did TONS of really bad things.

I knew why he was the way he was. I understood it even as I distanced myself from him to survive. I forgave him then.

However at some point he looked in the mirror and not seeing things he liked, he decided to change. That is admirable.

In the end, we were best friends and business partners. I forgave him totally. I wanted him to know that, have peace and be able to move on rather than linger.

So those are some examples from my life.

So, no, I don't believe in order to truly forgive you have to let that person in your life as some others have said. That's crap IMO. You can forgive and love them and yet protect yourself. In some cases you should do that. That's what I believe.

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools available to a human, I think.

I think it's often used unknowingly and irresponsibly, and rarely with wisdom.

True forgiveness is freedom from a consequence.

I've adapted to forgive people because to me, carrying the weight of judgment is too much for me to bear. I prefer to travel emotionally light.

Instead of remembering the pain, though, I do keep a small notation in the books. I forgive, but I do not forget. There are times when forgiveness, even when asked, is not available. Because consequences do not affect only me.

That's when I can't forgive, when it isn't up to me entirely. And almost every situation, affects another person. Then I wait for the person affected to direct me to forgive.

So if you harm me only, I will forgive you. Harm my children...? Not so much.