New author wishes to get constructive feedback.

All five stories posted in the BDSM category - But they really cover a wide range of topics. They could/should have been correctly posted in several other categories. Which one do you think they should have been posted in?

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Hello!

I have been reading the stories here for the last several years under a lurker member name. I finally decided that I needed to try and contribute something back. So I struggled unsuccesfully to come up with a somewhat corny alternate name. Then I nervously wrote and posted my first erotic story ever here at my favorite site.

I posted the first chapter waaaayyyyy to soon. I should have waited a few days and then reread it with fresh eyes. Then proofed and edited the "crap" out of it.

But I was afraid if I didn't post it when I did . . . I would have just chickened out.

So please read the first story with that fact held firmly in your mind.

I didn't want to post in this section until I had more than just a few chapters available for you to comment on.

I've finished all five chapters of the first section. Four of them are online now and the fifth and longest one is pending. The fifth one was the hardest for me to write. Just too much stuff way too close to home . . . if you know what I mean.

Before I blabber on and on even more with questions . . . here are the links to the stories, I hope.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=327791
http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=328878
http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=328886
http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=329351

My deepest heartfelt thanks in advance to anyone who manages to struggle through all five of them . . . regardless of your votes or comments.

If you actually read all five . . . written below is what I am very interested in getting your thoughts and opinions on. Just be gentle . . . I am new at this, remember?

Please stop reading now if you haven't actually read the stories.

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Don't feel obligated in anyway to make a comment or reply to this thread at all unless you really wish to. I am not demanding or expecting any responses from anyone. The questions below are just that . . . my questions. If you feel like trying to answer some of them, I'd appreciate it.

I'm not trolling for an ego boost or for a dressing down either.

If you want to respond . . . thanks!
If you are trolling . . . please just go away . . . far, far away.

Thanks in advance for those who wish to try and help!

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Firstly, I am most interested in hearing is if the two main characters and their interactions were believable to you? Are they two people you feel you got to know? Do you now think you know something real about their private lives?

Secondly, how succesfull was I in trying to describe the sexual tension and release between the characters? Did you feel their anticipation building? Did you feel their frustrations as well?

Thirdly, was their enough of a unique storyline to make it different from most of the stories that you have read here? Did I hint enough about actions to come to make you interested in them when they arrived? Did I connect the foreshadowing properly? Was there enough of a described plot twist between what a character in the story thought was happening to them . . . and what was actually occurring to them in the story?

Fourthly, did I have enough surrounding elements to layout a good foundation for the "action" of all types to rest on. Or did too much of the "extras" just get in the way of the story I was trying to tell. I know setting the scene and mood is very important . . . but so many authors fail to achieve the balance that enhances the readability without cluttering it up.

Lastly, was I able to describe a sexual scene in such a way that clearly described what the characters were doing . . . and how it made them feel? I understand that every reader is different and they are turned on by different things. But I've found that a good story, even in a category I personally don't care for, will still at least affect and intrigue me.

Please understand in advance that I know I have a long way to go gramatically and structurally as a writer. I am just at the beginning stages of this. Dialog and keeping a consistent point of view are particularly difficult right now.

Hopefully I can find an editor soon that's patient enough to help me smooth out the roughest spots.

The reason I am writing now . . . after having lurked for so long . . . is complicated. This is helping me deal with my own past and present sexual experiences.

I also have a large non-erotic writing project that I have to complete next year. The act of imagining something and getting what "I" want it to say on paper is what I need practice with the most.

Being able to capture what I want to say in an accurate way . . . in the FIRST draft will be important. I can't afford tons of re-writing time. Polishing and editing is one thing, but the total redoing of whole sections will kill my enthusiasm for the project.

If nothing else comes from these first five stories . . . I have already learned and furthered my goal . . . and actually enjoyed writing about Keeley and "me"!

Because only an author knows what he intended to write . . . its difficult to get help from an "outsider" to know if he accomplished his goal.

Because of that fact, any and all constructive feedback will be appreciated.

Thanks.

Here's the problem. Your links don't work and you are too new to be listed in the Members section. You should be on page 4472 or 4473. You are not.

Fix your links to the story page in your profile and we will take a look.

I was just in the mood I have no idea why your original links didn't work unless it had something to do with copying your post from the other thread.

Anyway...

BDSM isn't really my thing, but I'll take a look when I can. Snowed under with work at the moment--sometimes I hate my day job, sigh

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=327791
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=328878
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=328886
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=329351

Jenny_Jackson and Evanslily,

Thanks for letting me know about the links . . . and for fixing them.

I am having some issues with my site interaction at the moment. The "new" search function is just kaput for me. I'm on a Mac using Safari and I've read the FAQs for the site . . . and what once worked so well and was a major draw to me here . . . just doesn't work now.

I even cranked up the dreaded Explorer to give it a try and no luck.

Logged in or adding the "code" at the top of the page doesn't seem to make a difference.

But thanks to you both for rescuing me!

Sextified

Here is an attempt to link my Member page

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=888723&page=submissions

Hopefully this will temporarily solve any problems.

Pointed Critisism

First of all, your introduction to the first chapter is entirely unneeded. It does nothing for the plot and is, frankly, boring has hell.

When you finally get down to the story, you begin with this:

One of the nice things about having a dancer for a girlfriend is that you know they are ready to try just about anything. I always say JUST about anything because you can screw up a good thing by trying to take advantage of too often. Balance works! Believe me!

Click to expand...

This actually is the first paragraph of your story. There are a lot of things wrong with this paragraph. The first sentence is, I suppose, okay, but it doesn't really grab me as a reader. You first sentence and paragraph need to grab the reader by the balls and drag them into the story and make them wnat to invest the hour or so it takes to dredge through your three Lit pages of prose.

The second sentence just left me confused. Why in the world is "just" capitalized. If you were trying ti express some screaming or something, this is the wrong way to do it. More than anything else, it come across as confused and superfluous.

Then the subordinate clause, which is more than half the sentence is missing an object: "...you can screw up a good thing by trying to take advantage of too often. Balance works! Believe me!" Trying to take advantage of what? And you end with an inappropriate exclamation point - twice. Are you yelling again? An exclamation point is used in things like STOP! Here you have used it in place of a period.

Paragraph two of the story doesn't get much better:

I had met Keeley at one of the nicer clubs in town. She wasn't your typical dancer. I found out she once had a good daytime job. A job that she liked and had spent a lot of money going to college to get qualified for. She started dancing about halfway through college right after she met her longtime sleaze of an ex-boyfriend.

Click to expand...

"I had met..."? You mean, "I met..."? Then a couple sentences later, "A job that she like and had spent a lot..." This construction is not really a sentence since you are missing something. First of all "like" should be "liked" (Tense Shifing) and I'm having some problems finding the active verb in this sentence. Then you give the Coup d Gras to the paragraph by ending with a run-on sentence.

The story drags on from there. You are overly verbose, your punctuation and grammar need a lot of work just to make these chapters readable and frankly by the middle of page two, I was so bored I couldn't finish.

Constructive Critisism

You have taken on a monumental task in writing three chapters so far in what you have in your mind as "The Great American Novel." You are not ready for that kind of task. You should pull in your horns and start with something a lot smaller. Find an editor who will help you learn the basics of story writing. Search the "Writers Resources" for articles on how to create characters, make them talk and plot development.

And most important, READ. The best writers on Lit and published in print are avid readers. When you read, look not only at the story, but how the writer develops the story, how he/she makes the characters come alive and how the story is constructed with tension, action and development.

Forget the smilies. Forget the elypsis (you don't know how or when to use it). And Let your characters tell the story through dialogue. Your expostulatory style is just boring.

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GW66,

Thanks so much for the encouragement!

Actually hearing that the romance angle came across to you helps me very much. Its their relationship that is the most important thing to me. The fact that they're also very sexual people is a bonus I will be exploring more very soon!

I am looking for a VE editor or a few "first readers" to help me cut down on some of the wordiness. I am taking in all of the advice I've been given, but appreciate your advice about having fun the most.

The first chapter of the next set is being posted tonight and I think you will like it very much.

Thanks again!

Sextified