Old 11-18-2013, 01:06 PM   #1
Handley_Page
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More Humour

Since the original Humor thread closed (too popular, I guess), I tender the following as the latest version:
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 11-18-2013, 01:07 PM   #2
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A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other ... who are you going to turn your back on?"
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Handley Page

Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 11-18-2013, 01:09 PM   #3
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That situation could certainly impale you on the horny of a dilemma, HP!
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Old 11-18-2013, 02:42 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other ... who are you going to turn your back on?"
The door.
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The Crazy (not really) Theory Thread (start at the end) Code New Math
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Old 11-18-2013, 02:44 PM   #5
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The door.
But from which side?
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Old 11-18-2013, 02:50 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tio_Narratore View Post
But from which side?
Would it matter?
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'Cause long as I'ma live, Ima live ill-lee goo.'-Mobb Deep.
The Crazy (not really) Theory Thread (start at the end) Code New Math
"Worse things have happened to better people, and self esteem is over rated."
"Audacity is a virtue that should always be practiced with caution." -Walter Slovatsky
"When dealing with the Law of Averages, it's best to be a habitual offender."
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Old 11-18-2013, 02:59 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PayDay View Post
Would it matter?
to the others, if not the one.
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Old 11-18-2013, 05:41 PM   #8
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Oh come one chaps. Tell us a joke. . .
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 11-18-2013, 06:44 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Oh come one chaps. Tell us a joke. . .
What's the difference between Jello and a Jewish princess?

The Jello moves when you eat it.
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Old 11-18-2013, 06:47 PM   #10
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With the holidays approaching

What's the difference between in laws and out laws?

Out laws are wanted.
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Old 11-18-2013, 08:15 PM   #11
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What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

The nun has hope in her soul...
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Old 11-18-2013, 08:23 PM   #12
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic!
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Old 11-18-2013, 08:24 PM   #13
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A blonde walks into a shop and gets one of the staff to help her find a TV. She finds one and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"

Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"

Blonde: "Wait here!" She runs of, dyes her hair black and comes back in and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"

Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"

Now the blonde is getting confused so she goes and dyes her hair red and comes back in and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"

Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"

Blonde: "Why do you keep on calling me a blonde?"

Staff guy: "Because that's not a TV that's a microwave!"
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Old 11-18-2013, 08:25 PM   #14
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Yo momma is so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.
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Old 11-19-2013, 07:15 PM   #15
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Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.



The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United Statesstandard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
JUST LOOK AT OUR GOVERNMENT--
Any questions ??
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Handley Page

Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:15 PM   #16
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My Dogs Got Welfare

The other day I took my dogs downtown to enroll them in the welfare program.

The lady behind the desk said "I'm sorry, but dogs don't qualify for welfare."

"I disagree," I said politely, "My dogs are of mixed race, they're lazy, unemployed, can't speak English, are illiterate, have no education and have no idea who their fathers were. Not only that, but they depend on me for food, lodging and medical care."

So the lady looked in her policy manual to see what was required to be put on welfare.

Spot and Rover get their checks starting next month.
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Old 11-20-2013, 08:00 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
The other day I took my dogs downtown to enroll them in the welfare program.

The lady behind the desk said "I'm sorry, but dogs don't qualify for welfare."

"I disagree," I said politely, "My dogs are of mixed race, they're lazy, unemployed, can't speak English, are illiterate, have no education and have no idea who their fathers were. Not only that, but they depend on me for food, lodging and medical care."

So the lady looked in her policy manual to see what was required to be put on welfare.

Spot and Rover get their checks starting next month.
I like that one TE999 Thanks for posting
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:22 PM   #18
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(if you have been involved in the real estate business, you should love this one)

A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabelle. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?

They got it.
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Old 11-20-2013, 01:52 PM   #19
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STOP!

When someone yells stop, I don't know if it's in the name of love, it's
hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen...
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 11-20-2013, 04:01 PM   #20
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My two cents worth...

*****

Last edited by NightyKnight : 12-02-2013 at 02:48 PM.
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Old 11-20-2013, 06:56 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
STOP!

When someone yells stop, I don't know if it's in the name of love, it's
hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen...
Don't forget drop and roll!
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Old 11-21-2013, 08:32 AM   #22
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Farts With Lumps
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".
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Old 11-21-2013, 08:35 AM   #23
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Always liked he fart joke

Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
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Old 11-22-2013, 05:09 PM   #24
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Issy Cohen decided he wanted to serve his Israeli military service in the navy so he had to be interviewed by a navy psychiatrist.

To ascertain how Issy would react to danger, the psychiatrist asked: "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"

Issy replied confidently: "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

"And where would you get the torpedo?" the psychiatrist asked.

"The same place you got your battleship!"
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:16 PM   #25
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A guy was in a store buying a fake Christmas tree. The sales associate asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
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