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Old 06-05-2009, 04:49 AM   #6101
satindesire
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The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

1. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. The patient has no past history of suicides.

3. The patient refused an autopsy.

4. The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

5. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

6. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

10. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

11. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

12. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

13. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

14. I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

15. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

16. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

17. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

18. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

19. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

20. Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:04 PM   #6102
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:15 PM   #6103
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This is kinda silly, but at the same time fun... and maybe even cathartic, allowing the release of some hostility. :blink:

Whack
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:20 PM   #6104
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Finding out that my blood pressure was reading high-normal, instead of the Stage 1 or Stage 2 that I was expecting. That made me happy.

Most of everything else has been the day shitting on me.

(My pulse rate was good too.)
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:25 PM   #6105
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A really good conversation.

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Old 06-05-2009, 10:35 PM   #6106
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This is COOL! Follow the directions.

Castle illusion
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
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Old 06-06-2009, 01:54 AM   #6107
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Smile:

The Boy decided to use up one of his electives next year (Freshman High School) for Academic Advisement. He's brilliant, but beyond lacking in organizational skills, and I've been drilling all of them that they must take responsibility for their own education (talk to your teachers, ask for tutoring, request AP classes, etc) ... he decided all by himself that it was worth giving up an hour a day next year to focus on improving his study/organizational skills.

Eldest daughter (7th grade next year) ended the year on the Honor Roll (97 average), and second chair flute.

Middle daughter (4th grade next year) ended the year on the Honor Roll, and was voted Most Polite and Quietest Classmate.

Middle son (2nd grade next year) was given a plaque for perfect attendance.

Youngest Boo (kindergarten next year) got his birthday present - a simple spelling game (estimated playing time 10 minutes) - and sat at the kitchen table spelling words for 45 minutes straight.

 

Old 06-06-2009, 03:00 AM   #6108
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I'm just about to set off for the airport, to spend a week with KT and her family in the Czech republic.
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Old 06-06-2009, 03:51 AM   #6109
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jockdom View Post
I'm just about to set off for the airport, to spend a week with KT and her family in the Czech republic.
Cannot wait honey!!

I'll treat you as a King!


** kneeling at the door with your favorite food in one hand and your favorite drink in the other **
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Old 06-06-2009, 11:34 AM   #6110
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CutieMouse View Post
Smile:

The Boy decided to use up one of his electives next year (Freshman High School) for Academic Advisement. He's brilliant, but beyond lacking in organizational skills, and I've been drilling all of them that they must take responsibility for their own education (talk to your teachers, ask for tutoring, request AP classes, etc) ... he decided all by himself that it was worth giving up an hour a day next year to focus on improving his study/organizational skills.

Eldest daughter (7th grade next year) ended the year on the Honor Roll (97 average), and second chair flute.

Middle daughter (4th grade next year) ended the year on the Honor Roll, and was voted Most Polite and Quietest Classmate.

Middle son (2nd grade next year) was given a plaque for perfect attendance.

Youngest Boo (kindergarten next year) got his birthday present - a simple spelling game (estimated playing time 10 minutes) - and sat at the kitchen table spelling words for 45 minutes straight.

All things to be proud of. My two eldest should most likely be honor roll as well. (The little ones don't get grades yet.)
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You can call me "Homburg". Still accepting Rope Bunny applications, of course.

Disclaimer: Live your life how you want to live. Be secure enough in what you do that _my_ words won't affect you. Because my opinion has no material meaning in your life beyond what you let it have.
 

Old 06-07-2009, 01:18 PM   #6111
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Hmmm... trying to remember if I ever had a teddy bear.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
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Old 06-07-2009, 03:09 PM   #6112
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Originally Posted by Sir_Winston54 View Post


Hmmm... trying to remember if I ever had a teddy bear.
This kind of made me tear up a little. I had a stuffed dog named Doggy Dog; I think he's actually still in storage in the States. Later in life, my cousin who worked at the Build-A-Bear store built one for me and sent it to me. Him I still have, and he's a great comfort at times! Maybe the world would be a nicer place if we all still had our comfort toys!
 

Old 06-07-2009, 06:59 PM   #6113
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Start the day four back of the leaders, shoot a 65 and come in with a one-stroke lead for the win. Go, Tiger!
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
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Old 06-07-2009, 07:44 PM   #6114
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I'm 24, married and pregnant with my own child and I still sleep with a teddy bear, and I'll be damned if anyone ever tells me to stop. I love Teddy!!!

I have a cute collection of stuffed animals that sits on the top of my bookshelf that includes a Dracula Bunny (Bunicula), a frog wearing a green necktie, several different colors of bears and my prize, a bright orange octopus whose name is "Ocho".
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Last edited by satindesire : 06-07-2009 at 07:46 PM.
 

Old 06-07-2009, 07:47 PM   #6115
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Quote:
Originally Posted by satindesire View Post
I'm 24, married and pregnant with my own child and I still sleep with a teddy bear, and I'll be damned if anyone ever tells me to stop. I love Teddy!!!

I have a cute collection of stuffed animals that sits on the top of my bookshelf that includes a Dracula Bunny (Bunicula), a frog wearing a green necktie, several different colors of bears and my prize, a bright orange octopus whose name is "Ocho".
I don't sleep with my teddy anymore, but he lives in a shelf in my room now.

I love my teddies.
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Old 06-07-2009, 08:00 PM   #6116
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.... I still sleep with a teddy bear....
Does Mister know you describe him to us as a "teddy bear?"
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
[Jacked from Wenchie's friend's Facebook page. Thanks!]

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Old 06-07-2009, 08:48 PM   #6117
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Quote:
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Does Mister know you describe him to us as a "teddy bear?"
Actually YES! *giggle!*

I call him "My furry teddy bear" all the time. Because he is hairy. And I love it.

ETA: *cracking up* I showed him this page and he said "Telling people my secrets, eh?!"
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Old 06-07-2009, 10:56 PM   #6118
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THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a bunch of roses.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head,

Well............ Shit Happens!!!
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
[Jacked from Wenchie's friend's Facebook page. Thanks!]

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Old 06-07-2009, 11:14 PM   #6119
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Tony Stewart won the race today in Pocono.

Annnd, the newest addition to my room made me smile as well. ^___^
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:26 AM   #6120
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The stray kitty cat outside let me pet him today!!!
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:46 AM   #6121
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i can move my left arm almost back to full movement (as full as allowed anyway)
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i didnít think that I would fall
so far, so fast, but above all
in a cave of emptiness you found
my heart, beating upon the ground
you picked it up and helped me see
like puzzle pieces, you and me
your baby girl, your doll, your kitten
im Master's slave, and i am smitten


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Old 06-08-2009, 01:50 AM   #6122
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Child's Prayer - Very Touching


Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen.
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:51 AM   #6123
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The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a
synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi
and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he
asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them
up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way....

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you
do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up
the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now
and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the
Rabbi. Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What
we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually
send them to the IRS "

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ..And
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
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Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
*~*~*
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:58 AM   #6124
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The stray that's adopted us, Mittens, just came up lightly got me with her claws and then hid.
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Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world,
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Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
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My Stories
 

Old 06-08-2009, 02:01 AM   #6125
Xirena
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The hot Fireman that was at the street light taking donations...mmm God I love Firemen
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