If you've kept up with any of these threads you may or may not have seen some of the discussions on "showing" v "telling". If you read this you may wonder if I've been paying any attention--fact is, I wrote this before a number of those discussions took place. There are elements of "telling", but there's also a fair amount of dialogue and I think (hope!) that is moves along fairly quickly, as it should, since "urgency" is appropriate for the situation.
While I'd welcome any and all comments on this story, I feel a little stuck in "transforming" some of the telling (if you think some/most of it should be) into more showing. Having read over this a number of times I might be a little too close to it. Any specific suggestions to any specific excerpts would be most welcome!
Thanks for having a look, and yes, I recognize a department store, especially a Nordstrom's, probably wouldn't condone some of the hijinks, so a little suspension of disbelief is encouraged! You'll quickly see this story isn't particularly serious...
OOOOOOOOO...I'm dedicating this break line to Varian P
"I'm hungry", Marcia whined.
We were standing in excruciatingly long line at Sbarro's in the mall Food Court . I was pretty hungry myself but wasn't bitching about it. Marcia had this annoying little whine she would do when she was getting impatient, especially when she started having a low blood sugar moment. Come to think of it, whenever she did just about anything lately, it was really starting to grate on my nerves. I'd been with her for over three years now. We'd broken up and gotten back together a couple times during then, but I knew I was never going to marry her.
She was still holding out hope, and probably I needed to suck it up and just cut it loose once and for all. We'd had some nice times but were pretty much in a rut. Plus I could never imagine someone complaining as much as Marcia could.
"You take me to the niiiicest places", Marcia said sarcastically. Gawd, it's a Saturday afternoon, we were out to dinner last night, what more does she want???
"Sorry, dear. You getting the special with the chicken wings?" Bad question .
"Of course not. I'm getting the salad just like I told you. Don't you ever listen to me? Look at these thighs!! LOOK at them!" Honestly I couldn't stand to look at those thighs. She got this hostile leer on her face. "Do you think these thighs can afford my eating pizza and chicken wings? I can't hide my fat like you can."
Blah blah blah blah blah . Somebody just shoot me. Fortunately the line moved along quickly. Marcia got her salad and Diet Coke, though the good money was on her getting Haagen Dazs after lunch. As for me, I got the special, slice of pizza, chicken wings, regular Coke, and I was DEFINITELY getting the Haagen Dazs. I could in fact hide it much better than Marcia, tall as I was. One more thing for her to hate about me.
We sat down next to a table where four girls were sitting. One of them was particularly cute. She had dark hair and a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. All she was eating was a big box of French Fries from Burger King, and looked like she didn't have an ounce of fat on her (which guaranteed Marcia would hate her, too!) I caught her eye as I sat down, expecting her to look away, but she held her gaze, not that I'm anything special for her to look at, but probably to get me in trouble.
It worked. "Just what are you staring at?", Marcia demanded. "You waaant her, don't you?"
It had been so long since I'd gotten laid I wanted pretty much anybody that was for sure. But this young lady was finer than frog hair. I quickly imagined some of the things I'd like to do to her before I was jolted back into reality.
"Why don't you put your tongue back in your mouth and go get me a napkin?", Marcia said. "I just dripped salad dressing all over me."
I grudingly obliged. On my way back I saw French Fry Eating Girl catching my attention. Her friends were giggling (maybe at me?), but she was sucking on one of her fries and staring rather seductively at me. I rolled my eyes and tried not to smile. While I didn't exactly understand it I certainly enjoyed the attention. I was sure she was just fuckin' with me when all of a sudden she got up to walk past us. Musta wanted more french fries. But as she walked by our table she suddenly bent over to pick something up, and in an instant, the entire Food Court realized this little honey wasn't wearing any panties. In the next instant you could hear a collective slap as every wife and girlfriend smacked their men who were craning to get a view of the crack of her tight ass. As for me, I had the best view in the house.
I also got the biggest slap.
"Disguuuusting!", Marcia said, definitely loud enough for Miss French Fries to hear. She just laughed when she heard Marcia, satisfied she'd pissed her and every other woman off in about a hundred yard radius. She stood right back up, apparently not having actually picked up anything, and went to refill her drink.
The rest of lunch went without incident. Good for me I didn't get smacked again. But, true to form, Marcia did get her ice cream and proceeded to blame me for it.
After she was done snarfing down her dessert, we walked toward where the kiosks were that sold sunglasses, personalized license plates, cell phones, whatever. In the middle were about half a dozen of those massage chairs, where you stuck your face down in them to let someone rub you down for 15 minutes (or 30 if you were willing to pay).
"God I'm so stressed, but I'm sure you wouldn't pay for me to get one of those, would you?", Marcia whined. Just as she said that, I saw the little hottie walking by, alone this time, catching my attention once again. This time Marcia didn't notice her, all too fixated on the massage chair.
I figured I'd take Marcia by surprise. "You know what, not only will I get you the massage, I want you to have the full treatment."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna go look for some Playstation games for my nephew, why don't you get the full 1/2 hour?"
"Gee, thanks". She thought of something to say that I was sure would ruin the moment. I was right.
"You're going to look at games for a half an hour? You COULD go to the jewelry store, you know. I'm not getting any younger you know."
Relentless. "Just enjoy the massage. I'll be right back."
Marcia sat down in the chair and buried her face. Best she'd looked all day. That gave me a few minutes to see if I could track down Miss French Fries.
I began looking around for her when a voice behind me said, "Nice move, big boy. Hope you got her the full half hour."
My knees got a little weak as I turned around and saw Miss French Fries. This time I got a good look at her and noticed fully just how pretty she was. "We don't have much time, you know."
"Much time for what?", I asked, brimming with hope and anticipation.
"Come with me."
She took me by the arm and whisked me into Nordstrom's, where we headed over to Ladies Sportswear. I had a feeling where this could be heading but it seemed too good to be true.
"One of my friends works here, here, take this." She handed me a couple sweaters and a blouse, and she grabbed a couple others which she held onto. "Follow me to the dressing rooms".
Thisisgreat, thisisgreat, thisisgreat, thisisgreat. I couldn't believe my good fortune. I also couldn't help but wonder how many times Miss Fries had done this. "I don't even know your name", I said.
"Whatever you want it to be. Hey, how about Misty, 'cuz you look like you're about to cry!"
She was right. As she led me into the dressing room, I felt like I'd won the fucking lottery.
"I'll just be a minute, hon. Here..." "Misty" had reached in and pulled down her panties and tossed them at me. "...these should tie you over for while you wait"
"Uhhh, thanks" (After all what do you say?). "I know this isn't very romantic to say but I am on a bit of a…"
"...time constraint?" Sentence Finisher. Fuck it I won't hold it against her. Too many other things I'd like to hold against her. "we have plenty of time, trust me".
Off she went, where I didn't know. I proceeded to strip down to my "who knew I was going to get laid in the Nordstrom's dressing room anyway" not so sexy boxers, and proceeded to rub myself with my newly acquired souvenir.
"I'm baaaack" Well, that WAS quick after all. "Hope you're ready for anything?"
This girl was so hot. "Ready as you are, c'mon in sugar" (I swear I'd never called anyone "sugar" before and I hoped it didn't sound stupid)
The door opened up, and when I saw who was coming through, I thought I was gonna…but instead I just said it.
"Shit."
"You're Steve?" The supersized balding guy was hardly containing himself. "I'm Bill from Z101's Bill and Stacy's Morning Zoo, and I…"
"I know who you are, what are you doing here?" Though I already knew. Busted. In a huge way.
"Well, the other day, we got a little call from your girlfriend. Seems that she doesn't think you're particularly...what's that in your hands?"
"Stacy's underpants I believe…hope the station buys her a new pair."
"Why, did you mess them up?", Bill giggled. He loved to crack himself up. "Anyhoo, we did this little Cheaters set up game and Marcia...that's your girlfriend's name for the folks at home, figured you'd take the bait, and…"
"We're live? Now? You better not be doing videos, too!" I was getting pissed but losing whatever figth I had in me. I knew I was in a heap o' trouble.
"We're not. Oh? She's here? OK, bring 'er in."
Marcia walked in. I could see the hurt in her eyes but she had her game face on. "Hi Steve, what are you doing?"
"I think you know."
"Well yes I do, but I want you to tell everyone so we can all hear it."
I hate Scolding Time. Especially in front of Z101s target demographic.
"Here for a little fun, I suppose." Again I lamely tried to put up a fight. "Been awhile, ya know."
Bad move. "And why do you think that is? Well I'll tell you. What is it you always say? Why buy the cow when the milk is free" I admit, I had said that. "And you follow some girl into a dressing room. Did you honestly think she wanted...God you're stupid".
Gee, thanks a lot. At this point I figured I'd just let keep my mouth shut. Of course, Fat Bill with the Face for Radio sensed my clamming up right away.
"Lemme ask you this," he started in. "First of all, I do want to make sure you don't die here today, Steve. Let's start with Marcia's point. Did you really think Stacy was going to make the sexy time with you?" He said "make the sexy time" in a really bad Borat-like accent.
While I barely remember the interrogation it went on for a few more minutes that seemed like hours and no, Marcia didn't kill me. They didn't even need to bring in that bald bouncer from the Springer show.
Bill left Marcia and me in the dressing room but continued to yuck it up with Stacy directly outside. He did also present Marcia with some prize package of a nice dinner for two at Lincoln's and some facial/massage package at some spa. Good for her since she didn't get the massage I'd paid for. Oh yeah, and an official Bill and Stacy's Morning Zoo Tshirt.
"I wonder what Nordstrom's thinks about this", I said, trying to make small talk with the person who maybe now was about to kill me given there were no longer any eyewitnesses.
"You know what I wanna do?", Marcia said. She was actually smiling. Then she floored me as she pulled off her sweater. "Fuck me, Steve. Right here and now."
"What?"
"You heard me. Drop those godawful shorts of yours and give it to me."
"But what about...and they'll hear us...is this part of...?"
"Shut up. I want them to hear it. I want them to know we want them to hear it. Fuck me. Now!"
Who was I to disobey a direct order? Marcia put her hands on the bench and raised up her ass. She was legitimately turned on and so was I. I was inside her at once and started thrusting away. I still had Stacy's panties in my hand and couldn't resist giving them a little sniff.
"Oh yeah, Stevie. Pump me, pump me good you biiitch." I was pretty sure she was playing it up for the audio, and I did start hearing the laughter from outside.
"What are you crazy kids doing in there?" How's a guy to fuck anyway when some fat man is cracking on you?
I figured I'd jump in. "You know what we're doing, Billy Boy, that is, you would if you've ever gotten any yourself". Well wasn't I just the stud all of a sudden?
When I climaxed, Marcia let out a primal scream. Not quite Meg Ryan at the diner in When Harry Met Sally, but close.
We heard applause outside the door.
"You can go away now", I said.
"Show's over", Marcia chimed in.
"We'll leave you crazy kids alone now", Bill said, laughing hysterically. Mercifully, I heard what sounded like the radio crew packing up and leaving.
"Well, that was interesting", I said.
"Pretty much", said Marcia. "I gotta admit, I've always wanted to do that. And that was pretty hot."
"Didn't realize you had such a freaky side. It's nice." Marcia didn't say anything. "So, you want to cash in those Lincoln's vouchers tonight?"
"As a matter of fact, I do." There was a knock at the door. Great. At least we were both dressed by then.
Stacy walked through the door. "Pick you up about six?", she said to Marcia. "Sure thing", Marcia replied. "I haven't been to Lincoln's since, well, since before I met Steve". She shot an evil eye at me. Uh-oh.
"Well, I can't wait", said Stacy. And as if I hadn't been floored enough in one day, she walked over and gave Marcia a little kiss on the lips. "See you at six".
When she left I turned to Marcia. "Are you...?
"No. But when I went to the station afterwards me and Stacy went out for drinks and things got, well, a little hot and heavy. So we both figured, hey what the hell let's finish what we started and besides...besides, Steve..."
"What?"
"I'm done with you." The hurt was back in her eyes. "Once and for all. I know you're never gonna marry me. I know you don't want me. I may not be the most beautiful girl. I may not even be the nicest. But I'm a lot nicer than you, and I deserve better."
"Like some radio dike?" Ego kicking in.
"She's not a dike. She's my friend. And the first step to getting you out of my system. Now leave, Steve. I want to try on these sweaters Stacy picked out. And thanks for screwing me today. You were good for something today at least"
For once, blah blah blah blah blah never crossed my mind.
While I'd welcome any and all comments on this story, I feel a little stuck in "transforming" some of the telling (if you think some/most of it should be) into more showing. Having read over this a number of times I might be a little too close to it. Any specific suggestions to any specific excerpts would be most welcome!
Thanks for having a look, and yes, I recognize a department store, especially a Nordstrom's, probably wouldn't condone some of the hijinks, so a little suspension of disbelief is encouraged! You'll quickly see this story isn't particularly serious...
OOOOOOOOO...I'm dedicating this break line to Varian P
"I'm hungry", Marcia whined.
We were standing in excruciatingly long line at Sbarro's in the mall Food Court . I was pretty hungry myself but wasn't bitching about it. Marcia had this annoying little whine she would do when she was getting impatient, especially when she started having a low blood sugar moment. Come to think of it, whenever she did just about anything lately, it was really starting to grate on my nerves. I'd been with her for over three years now. We'd broken up and gotten back together a couple times during then, but I knew I was never going to marry her.
She was still holding out hope, and probably I needed to suck it up and just cut it loose once and for all. We'd had some nice times but were pretty much in a rut. Plus I could never imagine someone complaining as much as Marcia could.
"You take me to the niiiicest places", Marcia said sarcastically. Gawd, it's a Saturday afternoon, we were out to dinner last night, what more does she want???
"Sorry, dear. You getting the special with the chicken wings?" Bad question .
"Of course not. I'm getting the salad just like I told you. Don't you ever listen to me? Look at these thighs!! LOOK at them!" Honestly I couldn't stand to look at those thighs. She got this hostile leer on her face. "Do you think these thighs can afford my eating pizza and chicken wings? I can't hide my fat like you can."
Blah blah blah blah blah . Somebody just shoot me. Fortunately the line moved along quickly. Marcia got her salad and Diet Coke, though the good money was on her getting Haagen Dazs after lunch. As for me, I got the special, slice of pizza, chicken wings, regular Coke, and I was DEFINITELY getting the Haagen Dazs. I could in fact hide it much better than Marcia, tall as I was. One more thing for her to hate about me.
We sat down next to a table where four girls were sitting. One of them was particularly cute. She had dark hair and a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. All she was eating was a big box of French Fries from Burger King, and looked like she didn't have an ounce of fat on her (which guaranteed Marcia would hate her, too!) I caught her eye as I sat down, expecting her to look away, but she held her gaze, not that I'm anything special for her to look at, but probably to get me in trouble.
It worked. "Just what are you staring at?", Marcia demanded. "You waaant her, don't you?"
It had been so long since I'd gotten laid I wanted pretty much anybody that was for sure. But this young lady was finer than frog hair. I quickly imagined some of the things I'd like to do to her before I was jolted back into reality.
"Why don't you put your tongue back in your mouth and go get me a napkin?", Marcia said. "I just dripped salad dressing all over me."
I grudingly obliged. On my way back I saw French Fry Eating Girl catching my attention. Her friends were giggling (maybe at me?), but she was sucking on one of her fries and staring rather seductively at me. I rolled my eyes and tried not to smile. While I didn't exactly understand it I certainly enjoyed the attention. I was sure she was just fuckin' with me when all of a sudden she got up to walk past us. Musta wanted more french fries. But as she walked by our table she suddenly bent over to pick something up, and in an instant, the entire Food Court realized this little honey wasn't wearing any panties. In the next instant you could hear a collective slap as every wife and girlfriend smacked their men who were craning to get a view of the crack of her tight ass. As for me, I had the best view in the house.
I also got the biggest slap.
"Disguuuusting!", Marcia said, definitely loud enough for Miss French Fries to hear. She just laughed when she heard Marcia, satisfied she'd pissed her and every other woman off in about a hundred yard radius. She stood right back up, apparently not having actually picked up anything, and went to refill her drink.
The rest of lunch went without incident. Good for me I didn't get smacked again. But, true to form, Marcia did get her ice cream and proceeded to blame me for it.
After she was done snarfing down her dessert, we walked toward where the kiosks were that sold sunglasses, personalized license plates, cell phones, whatever. In the middle were about half a dozen of those massage chairs, where you stuck your face down in them to let someone rub you down for 15 minutes (or 30 if you were willing to pay).
"God I'm so stressed, but I'm sure you wouldn't pay for me to get one of those, would you?", Marcia whined. Just as she said that, I saw the little hottie walking by, alone this time, catching my attention once again. This time Marcia didn't notice her, all too fixated on the massage chair.
I figured I'd take Marcia by surprise. "You know what, not only will I get you the massage, I want you to have the full treatment."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna go look for some Playstation games for my nephew, why don't you get the full 1/2 hour?"
"Gee, thanks". She thought of something to say that I was sure would ruin the moment. I was right.
"You're going to look at games for a half an hour? You COULD go to the jewelry store, you know. I'm not getting any younger you know."
Relentless. "Just enjoy the massage. I'll be right back."
Marcia sat down in the chair and buried her face. Best she'd looked all day. That gave me a few minutes to see if I could track down Miss French Fries.
I began looking around for her when a voice behind me said, "Nice move, big boy. Hope you got her the full half hour."
My knees got a little weak as I turned around and saw Miss French Fries. This time I got a good look at her and noticed fully just how pretty she was. "We don't have much time, you know."
"Much time for what?", I asked, brimming with hope and anticipation.
"Come with me."
She took me by the arm and whisked me into Nordstrom's, where we headed over to Ladies Sportswear. I had a feeling where this could be heading but it seemed too good to be true.
"One of my friends works here, here, take this." She handed me a couple sweaters and a blouse, and she grabbed a couple others which she held onto. "Follow me to the dressing rooms".
Thisisgreat, thisisgreat, thisisgreat, thisisgreat. I couldn't believe my good fortune. I also couldn't help but wonder how many times Miss Fries had done this. "I don't even know your name", I said.
"Whatever you want it to be. Hey, how about Misty, 'cuz you look like you're about to cry!"
She was right. As she led me into the dressing room, I felt like I'd won the fucking lottery.
"I'll just be a minute, hon. Here..." "Misty" had reached in and pulled down her panties and tossed them at me. "...these should tie you over for while you wait"
"Uhhh, thanks" (After all what do you say?). "I know this isn't very romantic to say but I am on a bit of a…"
"...time constraint?" Sentence Finisher. Fuck it I won't hold it against her. Too many other things I'd like to hold against her. "we have plenty of time, trust me".
Off she went, where I didn't know. I proceeded to strip down to my "who knew I was going to get laid in the Nordstrom's dressing room anyway" not so sexy boxers, and proceeded to rub myself with my newly acquired souvenir.
"I'm baaaack" Well, that WAS quick after all. "Hope you're ready for anything?"
This girl was so hot. "Ready as you are, c'mon in sugar" (I swear I'd never called anyone "sugar" before and I hoped it didn't sound stupid)
The door opened up, and when I saw who was coming through, I thought I was gonna…but instead I just said it.
"Shit."
"You're Steve?" The supersized balding guy was hardly containing himself. "I'm Bill from Z101's Bill and Stacy's Morning Zoo, and I…"
"I know who you are, what are you doing here?" Though I already knew. Busted. In a huge way.
"Well, the other day, we got a little call from your girlfriend. Seems that she doesn't think you're particularly...what's that in your hands?"
"Stacy's underpants I believe…hope the station buys her a new pair."
"Why, did you mess them up?", Bill giggled. He loved to crack himself up. "Anyhoo, we did this little Cheaters set up game and Marcia...that's your girlfriend's name for the folks at home, figured you'd take the bait, and…"
"We're live? Now? You better not be doing videos, too!" I was getting pissed but losing whatever figth I had in me. I knew I was in a heap o' trouble.
"We're not. Oh? She's here? OK, bring 'er in."
Marcia walked in. I could see the hurt in her eyes but she had her game face on. "Hi Steve, what are you doing?"
"I think you know."
"Well yes I do, but I want you to tell everyone so we can all hear it."
I hate Scolding Time. Especially in front of Z101s target demographic.
"Here for a little fun, I suppose." Again I lamely tried to put up a fight. "Been awhile, ya know."
Bad move. "And why do you think that is? Well I'll tell you. What is it you always say? Why buy the cow when the milk is free" I admit, I had said that. "And you follow some girl into a dressing room. Did you honestly think she wanted...God you're stupid".
Gee, thanks a lot. At this point I figured I'd just let keep my mouth shut. Of course, Fat Bill with the Face for Radio sensed my clamming up right away.
"Lemme ask you this," he started in. "First of all, I do want to make sure you don't die here today, Steve. Let's start with Marcia's point. Did you really think Stacy was going to make the sexy time with you?" He said "make the sexy time" in a really bad Borat-like accent.
While I barely remember the interrogation it went on for a few more minutes that seemed like hours and no, Marcia didn't kill me. They didn't even need to bring in that bald bouncer from the Springer show.
Bill left Marcia and me in the dressing room but continued to yuck it up with Stacy directly outside. He did also present Marcia with some prize package of a nice dinner for two at Lincoln's and some facial/massage package at some spa. Good for her since she didn't get the massage I'd paid for. Oh yeah, and an official Bill and Stacy's Morning Zoo Tshirt.
"I wonder what Nordstrom's thinks about this", I said, trying to make small talk with the person who maybe now was about to kill me given there were no longer any eyewitnesses.
"You know what I wanna do?", Marcia said. She was actually smiling. Then she floored me as she pulled off her sweater. "Fuck me, Steve. Right here and now."
"What?"
"You heard me. Drop those godawful shorts of yours and give it to me."
"But what about...and they'll hear us...is this part of...?"
"Shut up. I want them to hear it. I want them to know we want them to hear it. Fuck me. Now!"
Who was I to disobey a direct order? Marcia put her hands on the bench and raised up her ass. She was legitimately turned on and so was I. I was inside her at once and started thrusting away. I still had Stacy's panties in my hand and couldn't resist giving them a little sniff.
"Oh yeah, Stevie. Pump me, pump me good you biiitch." I was pretty sure she was playing it up for the audio, and I did start hearing the laughter from outside.
"What are you crazy kids doing in there?" How's a guy to fuck anyway when some fat man is cracking on you?
I figured I'd jump in. "You know what we're doing, Billy Boy, that is, you would if you've ever gotten any yourself". Well wasn't I just the stud all of a sudden?
When I climaxed, Marcia let out a primal scream. Not quite Meg Ryan at the diner in When Harry Met Sally, but close.
We heard applause outside the door.
"You can go away now", I said.
"Show's over", Marcia chimed in.
"We'll leave you crazy kids alone now", Bill said, laughing hysterically. Mercifully, I heard what sounded like the radio crew packing up and leaving.
"Well, that was interesting", I said.
"Pretty much", said Marcia. "I gotta admit, I've always wanted to do that. And that was pretty hot."
"Didn't realize you had such a freaky side. It's nice." Marcia didn't say anything. "So, you want to cash in those Lincoln's vouchers tonight?"
"As a matter of fact, I do." There was a knock at the door. Great. At least we were both dressed by then.
Stacy walked through the door. "Pick you up about six?", she said to Marcia. "Sure thing", Marcia replied. "I haven't been to Lincoln's since, well, since before I met Steve". She shot an evil eye at me. Uh-oh.
"Well, I can't wait", said Stacy. And as if I hadn't been floored enough in one day, she walked over and gave Marcia a little kiss on the lips. "See you at six".
When she left I turned to Marcia. "Are you...?
"No. But when I went to the station afterwards me and Stacy went out for drinks and things got, well, a little hot and heavy. So we both figured, hey what the hell let's finish what we started and besides...besides, Steve..."
"What?"
"I'm done with you." The hurt was back in her eyes. "Once and for all. I know you're never gonna marry me. I know you don't want me. I may not be the most beautiful girl. I may not even be the nicest. But I'm a lot nicer than you, and I deserve better."
"Like some radio dike?" Ego kicking in.
"She's not a dike. She's my friend. And the first step to getting you out of my system. Now leave, Steve. I want to try on these sweaters Stacy picked out. And thanks for screwing me today. You were good for something today at least"
For once, blah blah blah blah blah never crossed my mind.
