Sex with animals?
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rosco rathbone
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When I was a horny, pimply lad, three of my scurrilous colleagues and I attempted to rape a mare in the barn of a neighbor's farm. We did not succeed.
pretty_green_eyes
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This is almost too good to be true!nyrgoal99 said:
M
Modern Mephisto
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Yeah, like I'm going to cheapen that perfect night of sexual bliss where I made love to Mr. Groveland's Black Angus by posting the details on a porn board!
rosco rathbone
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red_rose said:You got kicked in the face, didn't you??
Not precisely, but let's just say that if you intend forcible intercourse with a muscular animal weighing about 1500 lbs, you ought to be of equal or greater size yourself.
IrezumiKiss
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"I did NOT have sexual relations with that Shih Tzu."
http://www.thebreedsofdogs.com/images/SHIH_TZU.jpg
http://www.thebreedsofdogs.com/images/SHIH_TZU.jpg
S
ShamelessFlirt
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Last I checked humans were animals same as chimps and dogs and pigs.
Lost Cause
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Instant Flash!
"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
S
ShamelessFlirt
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A city boy decided to quit the rat race and bought himself a farm, which included a few sows. He wanted to breed the sows, but had no idea how to go about it. His neighbor volunteered his boars for the job, and told the city boy to bring them over in the pickup the next day. In the afternoon when he went to pick them up, the city boy asked how he would be able to tell if the sows were impregnated. He was told to look and see where they were early in the morning. If they were up on the hill, they were pregnant; if they were in the sty, it hadn't worked.
The next morning, he leapt from the bed and looked up the hill, but alas the pigs were down in the mud. Grumbling, he loaded them back into the pickup and headed for the neighbors. The following three mornings were just the same; he would leap from the bed, look up the hill, find the pigs down in the mud and have to return them to the neighbors to let the boars have another shot at them. On the fifth morning, he looked up the hill, and there were no pigs. He looked down in the sty; still no pigs. He called to his wife, "Where the hell are the pigs today?"
Amid hysterical laughter, she managed to choke out, "They're down in the truck, and the big one is honking the horn!"
The next morning, he leapt from the bed and looked up the hill, but alas the pigs were down in the mud. Grumbling, he loaded them back into the pickup and headed for the neighbors. The following three mornings were just the same; he would leap from the bed, look up the hill, find the pigs down in the mud and have to return them to the neighbors to let the boars have another shot at them. On the fifth morning, he looked up the hill, and there were no pigs. He looked down in the sty; still no pigs. He called to his wife, "Where the hell are the pigs today?"
Amid hysterical laughter, she managed to choke out, "They're down in the truck, and the big one is honking the horn!"
Lost Cause
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Bob sees his best buddy walking down the sidewalk looking like shit.
Bob asked, "what the hell happened to you?"
His buddy answered, "I got so drunk last night I spent most of it blowing chunks!"
"Well, it might have been from mixing drinks", Bob said.
"No you don't understand", said the buddy................"Chunks is my dog!"
http://granitecitypet.com/Smiley.jpg
Bob asked, "what the hell happened to you?"
His buddy answered, "I got so drunk last night I spent most of it blowing chunks!"
"Well, it might have been from mixing drinks", Bob said.
"No you don't understand", said the buddy................"Chunks is my dog!"
http://granitecitypet.com/Smiley.jpg
S
ShamelessFlirt
Guest
Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."
S
ShamelessFlirt
Guest
A handsome brother entered a pet shop. When the clerk, who was also of African descent, offered assistance, he explained that he was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was "Exotic Pets" and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
But, sizing up the brother as in the life, he told his dark-skinned customer that he had something which might be ideal.
The clerk took the man into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The brother answered, scornfully, that he hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained...to give rim jobs to men."
At this, the man frowned that he had been clocked. But then his eyes lit up. He eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in his expectant possession.
Arriving home, he drew a bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When he was thoroughly mellow, he dried himself and smiled. Then he put the frog on the foot of the bed and arranged himself in front of it, nude, with his butt facing the frog. He backed close to the frog, closed his eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened.
He prodded the frog.
Still nothing.
He moved it up further toward his butt.
Nothing.
He ordered it to perform.
No response.
After an hour of this frustration, he lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, he complained loudly that he had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down his address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, the clerk knocked on the door, and the brother answered, wearing only boxer shorts. The salesman asked him to demonstrate the problem. He obliged by stepping out of the shorts and assuming his former position, with the frog in place.
The frog made no movement.
"You see?" he asked, somewhat pissed off.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
The clerk explained that the name of the store was "Exotic Pets" and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
But, sizing up the brother as in the life, he told his dark-skinned customer that he had something which might be ideal.
The clerk took the man into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The brother answered, scornfully, that he hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained...to give rim jobs to men."
At this, the man frowned that he had been clocked. But then his eyes lit up. He eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in his expectant possession.
Arriving home, he drew a bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When he was thoroughly mellow, he dried himself and smiled. Then he put the frog on the foot of the bed and arranged himself in front of it, nude, with his butt facing the frog. He backed close to the frog, closed his eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened.
He prodded the frog.
Still nothing.
He moved it up further toward his butt.
Nothing.
He ordered it to perform.
No response.
After an hour of this frustration, he lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, he complained loudly that he had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down his address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, the clerk knocked on the door, and the brother answered, wearing only boxer shorts. The salesman asked him to demonstrate the problem. He obliged by stepping out of the shorts and assuming his former position, with the frog in place.
The frog made no movement.
"You see?" he asked, somewhat pissed off.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
