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Oh So Vanilla

SummerMorning

SummerMorning

ah...
Joined
Dec 27, 2003
Posts
1,986
Well ... hello folks. I guess it's been a while. A year. Or so, or more or less.

Now, stemming from personal experiences I won't go into, I've come onto a topic that's probably been done to death, but is a topic nevertheless.

When a BDSM relationship ends, do you find you have trouble adjusting to a new, more vanilla relationship? Do you find your previous experiences something you miss, something that you can't do without? Or not? Have you had this experience, of going vanilla, so to speak? How did it go?

My own personal experience is that it's very problematic and difficult. It's hard to talk about BDSM with a partner who is not only not interested, but potentially very much against such expressions of intimacy. It's also very hard to forget, or rather, to live without what was very much a part of one's life.

Putting it bluntly - I miss being used very roughly and viciously every now and again ... say every other evening. :D
 
Harsh though it may sound, this is why I don't involve myself with vanilla partners anymore. It's not enough for me, and in the end, both of us will be unhappy.
 
SummerMorning said:
It's hard to talk about BDSM with a partner who is not only not interested, but potentially very much against such expressions of intimacy.
Click to expand...

I have met a few new people in this town that I moved into 4 years ago. A few are worth considering as romantic potential. But I so want, no - make that need, BDSM in my life that I would rather live alone then go through all the education and discovery of a new partner only to see them go.

I gota have it - or have nothing at all aside from my camera and Lit.
 
Once I got out of my very vanilla marriage and entered the BDSM realm, I never looked back.

If I ever consider a person for a relationship they will know from the beginning what I am into and what I expect. An anti-BDSM/anti-kink attitude is a non-starter. I don't meet people from vanilla venues for relationships. I meet them through our local and neighboring BDSM groups, through mail lists and sites like Lit, Alt, or collarme. I'm not looking though, I have my janey and we're quite happy together. :D
 
BiBunny said:
Harsh though it may sound, this is why I don't involve myself with vanilla partners anymore. It's not enough for me, and in the end, both of us will be unhappy.
Click to expand...

So true. I was under the impression that I could 'convert' my ex (after we got married). It didn't work, & now, like EG says I have to tell people from the beginning what I would eventually be looking for...not that I'm 100% sure exactly what that is yet, but you know, a rough idea.
 
As the others have said, if you know it is what you need, it is only asking for problems to look elsewhere...why do it anyway? Life is too short to spend wistfully wishing for something you haven't got when it is possible to look for and find exactly what you need.

Catalina :catroar:
 
Yeah. Too true. That, or the monastery. :)

But it is an interesting point - do you ever feel restricted by your BDSM preferences? I mean, in terms of partners, etc.

On the other hand, if every BDSM afficionado never had a vanilla partner, I doubt there'd be that many BDSM recruitees ... ;)
 
Evil_Geoff said:
Once I got out of my very vanilla marriage and entered the BDSM realm, I never looked back.<snip>
Click to expand...

As a submissive woman who has discovered that there IS a place where her nature is a blessing and not a curse, I doubt that I could ever go back to any form of vanilla relationship.

SummerMorning said:
It's hard to talk about BDSM with a partner who is not only not interested, but potentially very much against such expressions of intimacy. It's also very hard to forget, or rather, to live without what was very much a part of one's life.
Click to expand...

That would make me incredibly sad, for he would be denying something that is very much a part of the person he claims to love :( I have lived with a man who showed no interest in things that I did (not sexual things, just normal interests in life) and it was a very lonely place. Now Master Gil has His interests, and I have mine - but we share and talk about them together. I think I at the very least would have to have some form of power exchange to be happy.
 
Hi SummerMorning,

I got formally involved in exploring BDSM during a short period where I wasn't seeing my partner, who except for light D/s play isn't kinky, and with whom I am very much in love. I know that he will not change in this respect. He is also a straight man and I am queer, so I certainly understand that one cannot predict love!

I am blessed. He knows about my kink and my bisexuality and not only encourages me to fulfill those needs but truly loves me for those aspects of myself, even if he cannot share in them. And I think that's the key - he loves me enough to want me to be happy, to support me in being true to my being. I would not have gone back to him and stayed had this not been the case.

I tried for a long time in my last relationship to be someone I wasn't. I would never, ever do that again, because it almost killed me inside.

I will say that if my lover and I were to break up, at this point I would not seek a relationship with someone who wasn't also kinky. And I don't feel that would restrict my choices any more than any other preferences would. That said, I know that most places in the world are not as open/accepting as San Francisco.

One question: could you be happy with someone who so clearly denegrates something which seems to be such an intrinsic part of your being?

:rose: Neon
 
Last edited:
neonflux said:
One question: could you be happy with someone who so clearly denegrates something which seems to be such an intrinsic part of your being?

:rose: Neon
Click to expand...

I'm new here, but my impression is that kinkiness comes second to the level of relationship. I don't think it's a question of your partner degenerating your sexuality, but maybe something deeper. If BDSM means so much to you, maybe force them to talk it through with them... tie them to the bed if necessary!

As someone who has never actually experienced physical BDSM, I know pretty well that it's hard to be open about wanting something slightly more unusual from a partner. Sexuality can be frightning, and one of the things about BDSM is that it makes it more intense.

Perhaps it's early days in your new vanilla relationship, but honestly, I don't think many people are purely vanilla - everyone likes a bit of chocolate sauce on top. So talk it over, after all communication is essential in every relationship and there shouldn't be a topic that you cannot discuss, and let them understand how feeling used and abused is actually something you enjoy!

I hope some of that is useful...
 
KuriousTina said:
<snip> I don't think it's a question of your partner degenerating your sexuality, but maybe something deeper. If BDSM means so much to you, maybe force them to talk it through with them... tie them to the bed if necessary!
Click to expand...

It can be very much a partner degenerating your sexuality, that was my experience. And attempting to talk it through led to a complete stand off. I wasn't prepared to just 'do it his way' & forget what I wanted, he then accused me of being frigid & not liking sex. :rolleyes:
 
Perfect_Trust said:
It can be very much a partner degenerating your sexuality, that was my experience. And attempting to talk it through led to a complete stand off. I wasn't prepared to just 'do it his way' & forget what I wanted, he then accused me of being frigid & not liking sex. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

*Rolls eyes*

Personally, it could just be that men are stupid... That's what I'm more likely to believe!
 
I personally like having it both ways. I love my vanilla marriage and can't imagine being in a marriage that was D/s. However, I will be forever grateful to my husband for being open minded enough to allow me to indulge my BDSM needs with someone else, too.
 
I'm in a relationship that is mostly vanilla. My partner, after lots of discussion and he did try, found that BDSM did nothing for him at all. He didnt enjoy anything we realy tried and wouldnt read about things, even when I pointed him in the right direction.

For me its weird though. Sometimes he will play anyway, and although I know hes not really enjoying it, it does help to release,, stuff... that build up in me. But it also makes me frustrated.. I want him to enjoy it, I want it to happen more often and more extreme... but I care about him, as the person he is.

For me, its seeing how things go. I hope that what I get from him is enough to satisfy me and that it wont interefere with our relationship, where everything else is fine... but who knows.

So really what I'm saying is, it is entirely dependent on how you feel and how important it is to you. But for me at least, if my partner were not willing to play at all i think it would end, simply because certain needs build up in me and have to be sated. *shrugs* But maybe then I'm the weird one!

Good luck anyway!
 
ecstaticsub said:
I personally like having it both ways. I love my vanilla marriage and can't imagine being in a marriage that was D/s. However, I will be forever grateful to my husband for being open minded enough to allow me to indulge my BDSM needs with someone else, too.
Click to expand...

:rose: Neon
 
SummerMorning said:
But it is an interesting point - do you ever feel restricted by your BDSM preferences? I mean, in terms of partners, etc.
Click to expand...

No more restricted than being vanilla/mainstream and looking for the same. I had decades of playing and experiencing mainstream to what I find seems to be beyond what many women my own age did, so finding what it was I really wanted was a blessing and from there on I just didn't bother looking for partners who were not into D/s and actively seeking a partner who also was...and then I refined it more by looking for someone who was sadistic, more so than the average player, and someone who was looking for a lifetime partner as opposed to playing. It worked for me and I was fortunate enough to find someone who not only shared my vision, but was human and not afraid to explore new horizons. :cathappy:

Catalina :catroar:
 
SummerMorning said:
Well ... hello folks. I guess it's been a while. A year. Or so, or more or less.

Now, stemming from personal experiences I won't go into, I've come onto a topic that's probably been done to death, but is a topic nevertheless.

When a BDSM relationship ends, do you find you have trouble adjusting to a new, more vanilla relationship? Do you find your previous experiences something you miss, something that you can't do without? Or not? Have you had this experience, of going vanilla, so to speak? How did it go?

My own personal experience is that it's very problematic and difficult. It's hard to talk about BDSM with a partner who is not only not interested, but potentially very much against such expressions of intimacy. It's also very hard to forget, or rather, to live without what was very much a part of one's life.

Putting it bluntly - I miss being used very roughly and viciously every now and again ... say every other evening. :D
Click to expand...

This thread caught my interest...i was with the Ex for a little while yesterday. Won't go into all the details, aren't needed but basically what he said to me was that i will never be happy in the relationship i am in now, that i may be able to convince myself for a while i am happy because i love my current partner the way i do, but it won't last because there are certain things he is never going to be willing to do that according to the Ex are things i "need". There are of course many details about my current relationship the Ex has no idea about and i would not share with him. As i said in another post, this relationship carries no label, and i don't need that. He is in charge period. That works for me, for us.

Having said that, i will say when the Ex and i split up, i did not date at all for 3 years. i took that time to find myself, to grow, learn and heal, and there were times i thought going "vanilla" would be easier. There were many offers of hey can i take you to dinner, but i knew the kind of person i am attracted to, the kind of person i need. To date someone vanilla, knowing what i know about myself, to me would have been dishonest, and both of us would have been unhappy. This sounds snobby and i don't mean it that way, but it became fairly easy to tell even just in how someone approached me (such as an unwillingness to meet my eyes, etc.,) they were not the kind of partner i wanted. i knew my current partner first as a casual aquaintence (sp?) then friend for over a year. Somehow with him it was very easy to be blunt and honest before even our first date that i am submissive. He didn't blink, didn't flinch, nothing. He simply looked me in the eyes. i am not sure why but that really spoke to me, and i just knew this was right. Everyone grows and changes-submissives, too. i don't have the exact same needs now i had with the Ex. Hope this post made sense. Not always the best at putting thought to word.
 
JFJ_sub said:
To date someone vanilla, knowing what i know about myself, to me would have been dishonest, and both of us would have been unhappy. This sounds snobby and i don't mean it that way, but it became fairly easy to tell even just in how someone approached me (such as an unwillingness to meet my eyes, etc.,) they were not the kind of partner i wanted.
Click to expand...

I don't think it sounds snobby, just you know who you are and what you need. If more people took the time to recognise those things, and then stuck to not settling for something else just to have a relationship, there might be a lot more happy people in relationships. I never understand why people continue to date people they know are completely wrong for them, and then proceed to convince themselves it can work instead of moving on and finding someone more compatible.

Catalina :catroar:
 
SummerMorning said:
When a BDSM relationship ends, do you find you have trouble adjusting to a new, more vanilla relationship?
Click to expand...

I've never been in a BDSM relationship, but I can tell that you I'm terrified of ending up with someone who won't explore these feelings with me. Boring sex forever? Not for me.
 
SummerMorning said:
When a BDSM relationship ends, do you find you have trouble adjusting to a new, more vanilla relationship? Do you find your previous experiences something you miss, something that you can't do without? Or not? Have you had this experience, of going vanilla, so to speak?
Click to expand...

I am a Domme who has no trouble going out with interesting vanillas. They know that it is a matter of fun, and not a love match.

However I have no intention of living what is left of my life with a man who is not submissive. No other significant other will do. Enuf said.

Eb
 
I knew when I was 23 and on my own again that I wanted a bisexual bottom to sub male who was into at least 5 or six of my kinks which include heavy painplay, objectification, feminization, cuckolding, needles and a whole slough of things your average guy pulled off the street is going to run away from

He had to be open to open relationships, completely permissive with my sexual choices as I would be with his, and had to have enough overlapping day to day interests that he wasn't going to be boring in a going out to concerts or watching movies together capacity. He had to be gender-flexible, politically on the same planet, and attractive, as in pretty as I am or better. Call me shallow, it matters.

Netzach, meet haystack. Go find needle.

Well I did. Or it found me.

Living with anyone less compatible wouldn't do.
 
SummerMorning said:
Well ... hello folks. I guess it's been a while. A year. Or so, or more or less.

Now, stemming from personal experiences I won't go into, I've come onto a topic that's probably been done to death, but is a topic nevertheless.

When a BDSM relationship ends, do you find you have trouble adjusting to a new, more vanilla relationship? Do you find your previous experiences something you miss, something that you can't do without? Or not? Have you had this experience, of going vanilla, so to speak? How did it go?

My own personal experience is that it's very problematic and difficult. It's hard to talk about BDSM with a partner who is not only not interested, but potentially very much against such expressions of intimacy. It's also very hard to forget, or rather, to live without what was very much a part of one's life.

Putting it bluntly - I miss being used very roughly and viciously every now and again ... say every other evening. :D
Click to expand...

SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
 
neonflux said:
One question: could you be happy with someone who so clearly denegrates something which seems to be such an intrinsic part of your being?

:rose: Neon
Click to expand...

That I certainly could not!

Fortunately, I'm not in that kind of position. However, it is a problem right now because I'm just not getting the right 'vibes' from my partner. It's not denigration, it's disinterest - and in a way, that's worse. If I was feeling under attack, I'd have no problem walking out :p
 
Perfect_Trust said:
It can be very much a partner degenerating your sexuality, that was my experience. And attempting to talk it through led to a complete stand off. I wasn't prepared to just 'do it his way' & forget what I wanted, he then accused me of being frigid & not liking sex. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

And then your sex life just stops ... both finding fault, neither compromising. Been there.
 
JFJ_sub said:

Having said that, i will say when the Ex and i split up, i did not date at all for 3 years. i took that time to find myself, to grow, learn and heal, and there were times i thought going "vanilla" would be easier. There were many offers of hey can i take you to dinner, but i knew the kind of person i am attracted to, the kind of person i need. To date someone vanilla, knowing what i know about myself, to me would have been dishonest, and both of us would have been unhappy. This sounds snobby and i don't mean it that way, but it became fairly easy to tell even just in how someone approached me (such as an unwillingness to meet my eyes, etc.,) they were not the kind of partner i wanted. i knew my current partner first as a casual aquaintence (sp?) then friend for over a year. Somehow with him it was very easy to be blunt and honest before even our first date that i am submissive. He didn't blink, didn't flinch, nothing. He simply looked me in the eyes. i am not sure why but that really spoke to me, and i just knew this was right. Everyone grows and changes-submissives, too. i don't have the exact same needs now i had with the Ex. Hope this post made sense. Not always the best at putting thought to word.
Click to expand...

I think it says a lot about your maturity and honesty and very little about snobbery. If being picky about partners is snobbery, well ... bring it on!
 
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