Asking For Advice...

I've been on this board for a very long time. I'm not a regular poster, but I do read almost every post on this board. Through it all I can truthfully say that I have gotten some wonderful suggestions from people on how to improve my love life, and how to be a better person. For that I thank you all.

So, once again, I ask for your help when it comes to the emotional rollercoaster that is the "relationship".

I've been dating a wonderful girl for a month now. It's a new relationship, and you expect to work out bugs and kinks in the first few weeks or so to make the relationship work.

I love this girl dearly, and would do anything for her.

However...this girl is the polar opposite of me. Proving that opposite attract. LOL.

Growing up, my relationships have always been with girls who love TONS of affection. Constant hand holding, constant kissing, hugging, what not. Very physical, very tactile for lack of a better word.

However, "Katie" (as I'll call her) is polar opposite of this. She loves to hold hands, kiss, say "I love you". But on a very limited basis. Why? Because her family is not very expressive of their emotions. It was very much how she was raised. Her family is wonderful, I like every one of them. But they're not much on telling each other that they love each other. Or the husband/wives don't hold hands much or show outward affection.

It's pretty much: "we know we love each other" type thing. I'm not used that. And I have openly told her so. Change does not come quickly, and truthfully, I would never want her to force herself to do anything that she doesn't want to do. So with that, whenever we do kiss, hug or say "I love you" I try to live in that moment, because I know it's special.

But coming from a family like mine, where we say "I love you" almost every other sentence and we're always hugging and kissing. I'm not used to this limited affection.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Going from dating someone who is very affection to the opposite extreme? How did you cope? How did you learn to continue on?

I find myself asking her all the time "Did I do something wrong" and it upsets her. I undertsand because I'm asking out of the insecurity of the lack of affection. It's not because the love or the affection is not there. No, it's just her personality. A "type A" and a "type B" situation.

So...in the end...how do A and B meet together?

I think you WANT to be in love with some one..... Just let things happen.... don't try to make your self feel anything. It takes longer than three months to really know this.....be prepared to lose this one.

Very seriously, for starters I would hold off on those "Did I do something wrong?" comments/questions. They get old really, really quickly...

A person not used to showing affection may take time, perhaps a long time, to warm up to the idea. A month is not a long time, in the grand scheme of things, to expect that from someone who was not raised that way...

Maturity is also a factor. I don't know how old either of you are but I believe it plays a part...

"A" may have to give some time and "B" may need to take it...

I'd think you'd think that you'd finally found your gal. The one who gives you a run for your pecker. I mean, if you grew up surrounded by overly affectionate people who say "I love you" almost every other sentence and also dated touchy, feely girls, doesn't that get sickening after a while? Whomever she is, she sounds rather earthy and good for you (to bring your head down from the fluffy clouds).

It is probably the size of your penis that is causing the problems . . .















Seriously, rule number ________ to figuring out chicks - stop trying to figure them out - even if you do it doesn't help you - sorry to give you the bad news but just try to be yourself and hope that doesn't get you into too much trouble

I grew up in a family much like your girlfriends but I can say two of my five siblings were taught by their partners to be demonstrative and affectionate. Be patient and expressive.

Thank you all for your comments. I do love this girl and I love being with her. We laugh together we have fun, it's just...sometimes I feel like we're only friends due to the lack of affection. However, when she does say "I love you" or kisses me or we make love.

It does make up for it.

I think I just have to get used to the situation...or risk losing her....

If you've been seeing someone for a month and you are expressing that you love each other then you are either both nuts or you are throwing the words around a bit loosely, IMO.

when all else fails, tie her to the bed.

Like MagicaPractica said - just be patient. It's just as difficult for her as it is for you.

Silent_Quill said:

Thank you all for your comments. I do love this girl and I love being with her. We laugh together we have fun, it's just...sometimes I feel like we're only friends due to the lack of affection. However, when she does say "I love you" or kisses me or we make love.

It does make up for it.

I think I just have to get used to the situation...or risk losing her....

Click to expand...

A difference in one's affection comfort level is similar to a difference in sex drives. Try to be as patient and openminded as possible, but eventually you might have to ask yourself, "Are my needs being met?"

Accept her as she is. Don't try and change her. I'm not a touchy/feely-type person myself and have ended more than a few relationships when I got tired of women trying to "fix" me.

Oh, and you're asking for relationship advice for a relationship that's only a month old? This question reeks of N00b! If you didn't have a join date of 2002, you'd be shitting from a new hole right now.

spiderrand said:

Accept her as she is. Don't try and change her. I'm not a touchy/feely-type person myself and have ended more than a few relationships when I got tired of women trying to "fix" me.

Oh, and you're asking for relationship advice for a relationship that's only a month old? This question reeks of N00b! If you didn't have a join date of 2002, you'd be shitting from a new hole right now.

Click to expand...

The only reason I'm responding to you is because you have Spider-Man plastered all over your post and I've been collecting comics non-stop since I was 6...LOL...

Beyond that...I always ask advice on this board. Sure, Literotica is a sexual/adult board, however, the more people I encounter on this board the more I learn about what makes relationships work and work well. So it's always nice to learn from others experience.

Silent_Quill said:

I've been dating a wonderful girl for a month now. It's a new relationship, and you expect to work out bugs and kinks in the first few weeks or so to make the relationship work.

I love this girl dearly, and would do anything for her.

Click to expand...

You work out bugs and kinks in the first few weeks? Really? You do?

I somewhat disagree. A month in and the chemicals that are characterizing what you're feeling are very similar to opium. Its thought the body does this to make sure the race will continue. It is a bit unfortunate that you're so serious about the differences, because it implies that you're not just enjoying this fluch of new love. maybe you are, but still you're so aware of differences at a time when uncanny coincidences are often more noticed. This is the fantasy time when you, and she, are perfect for each other (or so you both think).

A year or two from now the chemicals will change. This is thought to be a biological relief valve to avoid overpopulation. When it happens the wildly ecstatic nature of new love becomes replaced by the realistic (some times grimly realistic) nature of mature love. Then you'll need to be attracted not just to her great qualities, like you are now, the things you love about who she is, but also to the things she isn't but you wish she were. At that time you'll have to accept those things you desire and that she lacks. You will recognize them and, if love is to continue, focus more on who she is rather than who she is not.

atmas said:

You work out bugs and kinks in the first few weeks? Really? You do?

I somewhat disagree. A month in and the chemicals that are characterizing what you're feeling are very similar to opium. Its thought the body does this to make sure the race will continue. It is a bit unfortunate that you're so serious about the differences, because it implies that you're not just enjoying this fluch of new love. maybe you are, but still you're so aware of differences at a time when uncanny coincidences are often more noticed. This is the fantasy time when you, and she, are perfect for each other (or so you both think).

A year or two from now the chemicals will change. This is thought to be a biological relief valve to avoid overpopulation. When it happens the wildly ecstatic nature of new love becomes replaced by the realistic (some times grimly realistic) nature of mature love. Then you'll need to be attracted not just to her great qualities, like you are now, the things you love about who she is, but also to the things she isn't but you wish she were. At that time you'll have to accept those things you desire and that she lacks. You will recognize them and, if love is to continue, focus more on who she is rather than who she is not.

Click to expand...

Don't get me wrong. There is a fantasy there. I haven't ever been this happy. I wake up smiling every frakkin' day like angels just crapped in my head! The factor remains that even though I love her dearly and would walk off the freakin end of the world for her...I still notice things about ANYONE immediately that makes me uncomfortable. But because I love her...I personally am starting to believe that this is "the one"...I still want the relationship to be perfect, and that's not always the case...

Silent_Quill said:

The only reason I'm responding to you is because you have Spider-Man plastered all over your post and I've been collecting comics non-stop since I was 6...LOL...

Beyond that...I always ask advice on this board. Sure, Literotica is a sexual/adult board, however, the more people I encounter on this board the more I learn about what makes relationships work and work well. So it's always nice to learn from others experience.

Click to expand...

The first half of my response was totally serious. As for the second...

If you like comics, this thread might interest you. Just bumped it.
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=495153

atmas said:

You work out bugs and kinks in the first few weeks? Really? You do?

I somewhat disagree. A month in and the chemicals that are characterizing what you're feeling are very similar to opium. Its thought the body does this to make sure the race will continue. It is a bit unfortunate that you're so serious about the differences, because it implies that you're not just enjoying this fluch of new love. maybe you are, but still you're so aware of differences at a time when uncanny coincidences are often more noticed. This is the fantasy time when you, and she, are perfect for each other (or so you both think).

A year or two from now the chemicals will change. This is thought to be a biological relief valve to avoid overpopulation. When it happens the wildly ecstatic nature of new love becomes replaced by the realistic (some times grimly realistic) nature of mature love. Then you'll need to be attracted not just to her great qualities, like you are now, the things you love about who she is, but also to the things she isn't but you wish she were. At that time you'll have to accept those things you desire and that she lacks. You will recognize them and, if love is to continue, focus more on who she is rather than who she is not.

Click to expand...

What does "fluch" mean?

Morcheeba said:

What does "fluch" mean?

Click to expand...

It's German for "fuck."

Malachi said:

It's German for "fuck."

Click to expand...

Exactly. In Swahili it means "You didn't proofread this before you sent it."

atmas said:

Exactly. In Swahili it means "You didn't proofread this before you sent it."

Click to expand...

Heh. Either way, pretty damn good response to someone who's got some bugs and kinks as a Lit member, it seems.

My relationship matters are much simpler when I quit thinking too God-damned much. My mind will make chicken shit out of chicken salad if I let it.

Give yourself (and her) a break and go with the flow. If you keep listening to your head, it will only confound that which might have a chance otherwise.

Of course, I have always been better at fucking up relationships than making them work.

You fell in love very fast