Got a vanilla. Best way to esplain
- Thread starter samsdolly
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CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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[hijack rant]
You haven't "got a good vanilla", you presumably have found someone you are interested in, who to the best of your knowledge isn't into BDSM. They are a person, and deserve to be spoken of respectfully (especially if you are interested in them). Would you like someone to talk about you that way?
[/hijack rant]
As for the rest of your post, is it optimistic to the point of foolish, to presume your new partner is aware he/she is entering into an open relationship?
You haven't "got a good vanilla", you presumably have found someone you are interested in, who to the best of your knowledge isn't into BDSM. They are a person, and deserve to be spoken of respectfully (especially if you are interested in them). Would you like someone to talk about you that way?
[/hijack rant]
As for the rest of your post, is it optimistic to the point of foolish, to presume your new partner is aware he/she is entering into an open relationship?
Evil_Geoff
Equal Opportunity Sadist
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By being honest and telling my vanilla partner about my needs and desires. They then have the option of joining me in my fun, allowing me my fun elsewhere, or deciding that this relationship isn't what they were looking for and they are free to seek elsewhere.samsdolly said:
Get When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Easton and Liszt from Greenery Press and let your vanilla partner read it, or read it yourself to get ideas.
I would also recommend The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, also by Easton & Liszt and available at Greenery Press From the books write-up: Beyond the often unrealistic ideal of lifetime monogamy lies an uncharted jungle of delightful options - everything from committed multi-partner relationships to friendly sex, casual sex, group sex and more. In this groundbreaking volume, "Bottoming Book" and "Topping Book" authors Easton and Liszt provide a road map for exploring this sometimes difficult, often rewarding territory. Warm, informative details about how to get your needs met, manage your jealousy, make agreements that work for all concerned, talk to your friends and relatives, and build a life full of all the sex and love you want.
If you are going to have multiple partners, you need to learn how to deal with them openly and honestly, so they can make informed, consentual decisions regarding how much and how long they wish to be involved with you.
Good luck!
catalina_francisco
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I dunno, if you're not telling him I think that is being dishonest, at least in my world it is. If you're telling yourself it isn't you are not even capable of being honest with yourself. I always wonder why anyone into BDSM and especially if they have a partner who also is, is remotely interested in having a vanilla partner to add to the mix.
Catalina
Catalina
Netzach
>semiotics?
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Oh man.
I personally see a world of difference between a partner and a periodic fuck. The latter does not need every detail of my sex life. But I'm not going to make myself insane by hiding the fact that I'm married, or that I have SM sex toys etc. I basically owe that person safe sex and a good time at most, as he/she does me, and common courtesies and etiquitte around subjects agreed to.
If you're going to have marks, you may just have to explain it.
Just like I'd have to explain why there are drawers full of men's clothes around - I'm married. You're kinked. They can deal or be gone, there are always more fuck friends out there if that's too weird for him.
I personally see a world of difference between a partner and a periodic fuck. The latter does not need every detail of my sex life. But I'm not going to make myself insane by hiding the fact that I'm married, or that I have SM sex toys etc. I basically owe that person safe sex and a good time at most, as he/she does me, and common courtesies and etiquitte around subjects agreed to.
If you're going to have marks, you may just have to explain it.
Just like I'd have to explain why there are drawers full of men's clothes around - I'm married. You're kinked. They can deal or be gone, there are always more fuck friends out there if that's too weird for him.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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catalina_francisco said:I dunno, if you're not telling him I think that is being dishonest, at least in my world it is. If you're telling yourself it isn't you are not even capable of being honest with yourself. I always wonder why anyone into BDSM and especially if they have a partner who also is, is remotely interested in having a vanilla partner to add to the mix.
Catalina
Uh, maybe they don't get fucked by their owner.
*raises hand*
I'm in the process of encouraging H to try and date and have SOME fun locally. There are a million valid reasons for people to do just about anything.
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jadefirefly
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I'm of the belief that if you're fucking them, they have the right to know if you're exclusive or not. They don't necessarily need to know how many, who, where, when, how often, what gender, and where they live, but all partners need to know if there are other partners.
If "vanilla" (which is, I second someone above, a really flippin' rude way to discuss your partners) doesn't know about any other partners, that's unsafe, and very disrespectful.
Now, if there's no sex going on with anyone BUT the vanilla person, it's not as critical. But an emotional relationship is still a relationship, especially one as involved as being owned. Not informing the new relationship about a pre-existing one is also disrespectful, and potentially emotionally damaging to the other party.
Try thinking about how you'd feel if you found out your new significant other had been seeing someone else long before they were seeing you, and just never felt you were worth telling. I imagine you'd feel pretty lousy. I know I would.
If "vanilla" (which is, I second someone above, a really flippin' rude way to discuss your partners) doesn't know about any other partners, that's unsafe, and very disrespectful.
Now, if there's no sex going on with anyone BUT the vanilla person, it's not as critical. But an emotional relationship is still a relationship, especially one as involved as being owned. Not informing the new relationship about a pre-existing one is also disrespectful, and potentially emotionally damaging to the other party.
Try thinking about how you'd feel if you found out your new significant other had been seeing someone else long before they were seeing you, and just never felt you were worth telling. I imagine you'd feel pretty lousy. I know I would.
lil_slave_rose
-R.I.P. Daddy i miss You-
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samsdolly said:
samsdolly, this is something i truly do not believe in. you want your cake and you want to eat it too, which is perfectly fine IF everyone involved is aware of each other. lying to a partner is something i find terrible, ESPECIALLY if it's lying about a part of your life that is a part of you, not to mention that you have ANOTHER partner that your 'vanilla' partner knows nothing about. that's wrong, he/she has a right to know about your other partner so that your vanilla partner can decide if he/she wants to stay in the relationship with you. maybe this was not a good night for me to post on this thread because i'm coming off a little more harsh than normal, but honestly i'm sick of people lying to their SO's and then coming on here posting threads asking what to do about it. what to do about it? be honest for christs sake, how hard is that??? ok i'm tired, and in a blah ass mood, sorry if i've offended anyone i will skip out of this thread now.....
shy slave
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samsdolly, You confused me and others in another recent thread. You ended up by saying you should have been clearer.
This thread is the same, I have no idea what you are asking or why you are asking it.
In a nutshell it appears you are cheating on both people you are fucking.
If that suits you then fine but there always consequences to any behaviour. Either of them could walk away when they discover your deceit, you could end up in a web of lies trying to explain marks or bruises or when your vanilla lover finds out your interests and realises you have been playing elsewhere he could beat the shit out of you until you need hospital treatment.
You have choices, but please try to make your questions cleaer unless you want people to get tired of trying to figure your head out.
This thread is the same, I have no idea what you are asking or why you are asking it.
In a nutshell it appears you are cheating on both people you are fucking.
If that suits you then fine but there always consequences to any behaviour. Either of them could walk away when they discover your deceit, you could end up in a web of lies trying to explain marks or bruises or when your vanilla lover finds out your interests and realises you have been playing elsewhere he could beat the shit out of you until you need hospital treatment.
You have choices, but please try to make your questions cleaer unless you want people to get tired of trying to figure your head out.
catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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lil_slave_rose said:
I think you chose a perfect time to comment....I don't like the mentality we all have to be very nice, very understanding of almost everything and anything, and a best friend to everyone. I always think the best friend you can have is one who can be honest with you, can acknowledge both their own and your faults, give an answer when asked, and still be your friend despite all your human imperfections and idiosyncracies. We need more people who feel comfy saying what they are thinking instead of bottling it up and giving a generic post so as not to offend. LOL, see you can't avoid offending...people like me are offended by generic posts which clearly are meant to be nice for the sake of being nice, not having an honest and open adult discussion!!
Catalina
lil_slave_rose
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shy slave said:
*smiles* shy i almost posted the same thing about the confusion samsdolly has created for me on both threads they have started, but i figured i was harsh enough for the night and decided to skip out of the thread before i offended someone and got a good flaming...*groans*
catalina_francisco
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Netzach said:
Fuck or no fuck, I like honesty and commitment at some level. I actually find it more difficult to deal with someone being emotionally involved with another than sexually...I tend to think the emotional is more intense, more intimate, and if D/s is involved, it is a way to make me feel insecure and hurt far quicker than if they fuck them.
Catalina
lil_slave_rose
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catalina_francisco said:I think you chose a perfect time to comment....I don't like the mentality we all have to be very nice, very understanding of almost everything and anything, and a best friend to everyone. I always think the best friend you can have is one who can be honest with you, can acknowledge both their own and your faults, give an answer when asked, and still be your friend despite all your human imperfections and idiosyncracies. We need more people who feel comfy saying what they are thinking instead of bottling it up and giving a generic post so as not to offend. LOL, see you can't avoid offending...people like me are offended by generic posts which clearly are meant to be nice for the sake of being nice, not having an honest and open adult discussion!!
Catalina
oh i agree with you, and i do most of the time try to say what i have to say with a little less harshness because i know what it feels like being the newbie and all..but sheesh, why do you need someone to tell you what to do about lying to your SO..i see the same threads started over and over and it gets tiring..i'm glad you understand, i knew you would
Netzach
>semiotics?
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I think there's a whole host of assumption being made.
Fuckbuddy may well know, explicitly or implicitly that he's not the only guy in her life. And maybe she's not the only girl in his. The only thing we DO know he DOES NOT know is what the nature of the other relationship is. Why there might be weird bites and stripes and bruises on his new friend's ass.
Fuckbuddy may well know, explicitly or implicitly that he's not the only guy in her life. And maybe she's not the only girl in his. The only thing we DO know he DOES NOT know is what the nature of the other relationship is. Why there might be weird bites and stripes and bruises on his new friend's ass.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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catalina_francisco said:
Think back to the wild days. Did you really take every casual fling's hand before you let him buy you a drink and explain patiently that he wasn't the only one or was it a safe mutual assumption? Not every relationship fires up with a lot of dialogue and here's someone who's trying to open the door up, maybe... maybe everyone's right and she's lying to both people, but maybe my equally as flawed assumptions are right. Master wants her to have a booty call, booty call knows she has other involvements and really likes her sweet ass just doesn't know it's being beat.
Not every human interaction begins as a giant textbook like happy fiesta of good communication and transparency. I'm sick of seeing people flogged for everything that deviates remotely from what other people would do.
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JMohegan
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I googled "NSA" for Internet acronyms and got: No Strings Attached.samsdolly said:
That helps me understand where you might be coming from here.
My suggestion for the best way to explain would be to say something simple, like: "There is a way to convert physical pain into physical pleasure and I really enjoy doing this. One of the other people I _______ [date/fuck/hook up with/whatever word applies to whatever you do] enjoys the pain-pleasure thing too. Sometimes it leaves marks."
I would say this in a casual tone implying no big deal as opposed to earth shattering news.
Etoile
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I'm with CutieMouse. Calling somebody "a good vanilla" is, to me, unspeakably rude. It's obvious that no strings are attached, because you clearly don't care about this guy. And if you don't care about him, what does it matter if he knows what your marks are from? If he can't handle it, you can toss him, and life goes on. If you have so little regard for this guy that you call him "a good vanilla," I don't see why you care what he thinks about you.
Never
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samsdolly said:
Honesty is nice.
1: "I'm in a relationship with someone else." Some subs try to say that their doms are not 'sexual' relationships. Whatever, tell your vanilla partner.
2: "That someone else and I are into BDSM."
Answer questions about specific toys as appropriate.
