Emotional Masochism

I've struggled for awhile about posting on this topic because I know there's a good possibility that I'm going to get a "that's not healthy" reply. I've been turning it around in my head, though, and curiosity is outweighing discretion at this point.

I get off on emotional masochism. I admit it. I don't have a lot to say on it at this point as my brain is still fried from the paper-writing earlier in the day, and I'd like to see others' input first. (Yeah, call me a chicken.) I just wondered about others out there who into it--how do you engage in that sort of play, etc.? Like I said, I'll put my own thoughts out there later.

BiBunny said:

I've struggled for awhile about posting on this topic because I know there's a good possibility that I'm going to get a "that's not healthy" reply. I've been turning it around in my head, though, and curiosity is outweighing discretion at this point.

I get off on emotional masochism. I admit it. I don't have a lot to say on it at this point as my brain is still fried from the paper-writing earlier in the day, and I'd like to see others' input first. (Yeah, call me a chicken.) I just wondered about others out there who into it--how do you engage in that sort of play, etc.? Like I said, I'll put my own thoughts out there later.

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could you give a little more specifics please? i'm not sure i understand what you mean by 'emotional masochism' ...if you can give more specifics on what exactly you mean, then i will put in my two cents

lil_slave_rose said:

could you give a little more specifics please? i'm not sure i understand what you mean by 'emotional masochism' ...if you can give more specifics on what exactly you mean, then i will put in my two cents

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I'm guessing she enjoys being emotionally hurt.. ro at least to some extent, kidna the idea of humiliation play, praying on emotions, without crossing the line... Which is a VERY thin line.

Toa_lin said:

I'm guessing she enjoys being emotionally hurt.. ro at least to some extent, kidna the idea of humiliation play, praying on emotions, without crossing the line... Which is a VERY thin line.

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Yes, thank you.

I knew what I meant, but my brain-to-keyboard translator ain't functioning right this second.

I'd say that you're not the only one. What about the people who get off on name calling and humiliation? I'd say that that's a form of emotional masochism.

BiBunny said:

Yes, thank you.

I knew what I meant, but my brain-to-keyboard translator ain't functioning right this second.

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hehe, no problem, anytime.

BiBunny said:

Yes, thank you.

I knew what I meant, but my brain-to-keyboard translator ain't functioning right this second.

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well it could have just been that my mind is clouded and tired and missing Master right now so i didn't read it right or between the lines *smiles* feeling quite lazy today actually, anyway, i don't think you're alone in like that type of 'play on emotions' i enjoy Master calling me names and humiliating me, but when He has it also takes alot more after care than normal to get my emotional state back in check. it defiantly can be dangerous if the person doing it does not know you well enough to know when 'enough is enough' or when that line has been crossed. for me, i'm emotional enough and don't need the extreme emotional play and it wouldn't take much to send me over the edge and be damaged for good....

lil_slave_rose said:

well it could have just been that my mind is clouded and tired and missing Master right now so i didn't read it right or between the lines *smiles* feeling quite lazy today actually, anyway, i don't think you're alone in like that type of 'play on emotions' i enjoy Master calling me names and humiliating me, but when He has it also takes alot more after care than normal to get my emotional state back in check. it defiantly can be dangerous if the person doing it does not know you well enough to know when 'enough is enough' or when that line has been crossed. for me, i'm emotional enough and don't need the extreme emotional play and it wouldn't take much to send me over the edge and be damaged for good....

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Same here. I enjoy it to some extent, the name-calling and certain humiliation things, but certain things will send me right over the edge. Beth (my ex) knew that, and was always very careful about what she said, and there have been times when I've been talking to a Dom online who didn't know and they'd say something and omg I'd start bawling.


Heather

I do think that mild humiliation/name calling is definatelty very common in this lifestyle...

I would be very careful with more extreme empotionaly play, becuase there is a lot that lays benieth the sruface of all of us, and if that is found it can have major negative uinintended consequences.

MasterPhoenix said:

I do think that mild humiliation/name calling is definatelty very common in this lifestyle...

I would be very careful with more extreme empotionaly play, becuase there is a lot that lays benieth the sruface of all of us, and if that is found it can have major negative uinintended consequences.

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I know what you mean, but, to me, mild humiliation/name calling doesn't fall under this category. Well, it does, but it doesn't. It does fall under this category, but it's not what I'm specifically referring to here. (There we go.) In some perverse way, I enjoy finding those things hidden beneath the surface. I have no idea how to put this into words....

BiBunny said:

I know what you mean, but, to me, mild humiliation/name calling doesn't fall under this category. Well, it does, but it doesn't. It does fall under this category, but it's not what I'm specifically referring to here. (There we go.) In some perverse way, I enjoy finding those things hidden beneath the surface. I have no idea how to put this into words....

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I think I understand what you are getting at, and I was reading the thread and thinking name calling etc., really didn't fit what I term as emotional masochism. We have explored it some, and intend to do so more in the future, but it is an area where you both have to know what you are doing, what you are getting into, and accept the risks are high and no-one can be 100% sure damage will not happen. For us it is a hit and miss thing with my emotional state....some days it is fine and I could handle just about anything we have talked about and actually thrive on it, other days (though they are becoming less often) it would be hell in a bad way and take a lot of getting past. Add to that I am one of the most emotional people he has met (sheesh, I have heard that so many times in my life I am tired of it..lol, even hate worse the people who aren't and tell me I can learn not to be ), and he is also one of the most emotional people I have met, and it adds dimensions to the possibility for both success and disaster.

I obviously don't think your weird for it. I do think there is a point you have to cross mentally where you have pushed aside all the subconscious messages about how you should feel if you are subjected to xyz and why, and give yourself permission to enjoy just that feeling and those emotions in the way they make it work for you, not how they wouldn't work for another. I also think it is natural to wonder if you are damaged in some way to be even able to anticipate enjoying emotional masochism, but I don't think it does mean you are, just it is a trigger for you the same as someone else might find serving a trigger for their joy. There is joy to be found in pain, even emotional pain, the trick is knowing to what depth you want to go and whether you want it to be a temporary or permanent state.

Catalina

Would name calling be just scratching the surface then? Or is it entirely different?

I sort of think I know what you are envisioning, but I'm not sure. Can you give an example?

I wonder if there is something cathartic about playing out your worst fear in a controlled situation.

I'm more of a psych edge player than a physical edge player and I can offer a personal example.

"Shithead" is one of H's pet names. Some people love bitch slut and whore, but I don't know as many who smile when you trot out "idiot" "schmuck" and "moron." Taking it higher up than the genitals brings things up a notch or two into the danger zone.

But he's still smiling. So it's edgy to other people but not us.

It's when I can say something that hurts, honestly hurts and would hurt anyone and he's deeply hurt, but also hard, that fits my definition of emotional masochism. Like "I don't think I'm ever going to fuck you again, it wasn't that good."

And it's not a game or a trump. It's all real.

There's something really sick about the fact that I can enjoy saying that aloud to someone. And getting a reaction once "I'm not kidding" sinks in.

I think Netz and cat hit it on the head for me. I haven't experienced much play like this, but B. and I have talked about it. He likes the idea of playing harder with it than we previously have, and so do I. The only thing I'm unsure about is my reaction when the time comes. Intellectually, it sounds good, but a lot of things sound good in theory and don't work nearly so well in practice! I think I'll be ok, but you never know how you'll react in a situation until you're faced with it.

Part of the reason I like the idea so much is that I love humiliation. Problem is, I have no shame, and there's very little that humiliates me. When he does find a button to push, he's only able to do it once or twice. Then, I become accustomed to it, and that doesn't humilate me, either. (He despairs of this, LOL. ) Like I said, we've played mildly with it, but lately we've gotten toward edgier physical play, so it seems fairly logical that this will do the same. I look forward to it and dread it all at the same time.

Some people love bitch slut and whore, but I don't know as many who smile when you trot out "idiot" "schmuck" and "moron." Taking it higher up than the genitals brings things up a notch or two into the danger zone.

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Well, literal meaning of "schmuck" aside.

I think maybe slut and whore are appealing because they're naughty, not because they're humiliating. I suppose it depends on the person though.

Like "I don't think I'm ever going to fuck you again, it wasn't that good."

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Yeah, I'm pretty sure this would make me cry, and er, not in a good way. But, carry on!

BiBunny said:

I

Part of the reason I like the idea so much is that I love humiliation. Problem is, I have no shame, and there's very little that humiliates me. When he does find a button to push, he's only able to do it once or twice. Then, I become accustomed to it, and that doesn't humilate me, either.

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That has been an issue for me also. Partly it comes from not being humiliated by something I normally would be when he does it, so it requires a lot of headwork on my part, and imagination on his. For us it is not emotional masochism based around name calling and direct insults as much as playing with my romantic feelings, my place in his life, and totally messing in my headspace. Like you say though, it is risky and not to be taken lightly.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_35ca304946_t.jpg Catalina

catalina_francisco said:

That has been an issue for me also. Partly it comes from not being humiliated by something I normally would be when he does it, so it requires a lot of headwork on my part, and imagination on his. For us it is not emotional masochism based around name calling and direct insults as much as playing with my romantic feelings, my place in his life, and totally messing in my headspace. Like you say though, it is risky and not to be taken lightly.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_35ca304946_t.jpg Catalina

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Yes, yes, yes! That's what I'm talking about. It scares the hell out of me, but...that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

BiBunny said:

Yes, yes, yes! That's what I'm talking about. It scares the hell out of me, but...that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

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LOL, once you get hold of the idea, play it in your head a few million times, it becomes highly addictive!!

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/186/376675788_f2e2be5814_t.jpg Catalina

I'm just not thick skined enough to dive into this.

Infact I remember once a friend of mine, after noticing the ...um...dampness of my panties, said to me "you shameless little slut" then reached for me and added "how I adore you". *giggles*

Even that little bit, even with the addition, later it got to me a bit. It took a couple days before I could really lock it into the positive and complimentery department that he ment it to be in. Tho it may have just been bad timing, I'm not sure. At any rate it did bother me and eat at me, where Jounar calling me slut or bitch doesn't.

This is no where near what I would consider emotional masochism, and is the reason why I won't play in that playground.

I can tell from personal experience that this is something I absolutely hate. Being called a "dirty slut" or what have you is one thing, being insulted about personal characteristics is entirely another.

I'm wondering, though, if idly/jokingly threatening to leave/cheat on your partner, implying how little you care about their emotions and that they're unsatisfactory might be seen as emotional sadism, in a certain context. I don't really know... it might also just be an insecurity thing, reminding your partner that you have other options so you'd better be appreciated. Normally I rank pretty damn low on the sadism scale, but I have to say it feels kind of creepily good to see them squirm and try to get you to take it back. (Then, of course, I feel like the shittiest person ever because emotional manipulation isn't really my style and I don't really mean it). Part of me wants to think this is just sort of a conditioned bitchy-female thing that I do for no real reason, but I'm inclined to think it's more of an "I-like-hurting-people-I-love" side of myself that I haven't totally accepted (and probably shouldn't). Anyone else feel this way?

amadaun said:

I can tell from personal experience that this is something I absolutely hate. Being called a "dirty slut" or what have you is one thing, being insulted about personal characteristics is entirely another.

I'm wondering, though, if idly/jokingly threatening to leave/cheat on your partner, implying how little you care about their emotions and that they're unsatisfactory might be seen as emotional sadism, in a certain context. I don't really know... it might also just be an insecurity thing, reminding your partner that you have other options so you'd better be appreciated. Normally I rank pretty damn low on the sadism scale, but I have to say it feels kind of creepily good to see them squirm and try to get you to take it back. (Then, of course, I feel like the shittiest person ever because emotional manipulation isn't really my style and I don't really mean it). Part of me wants to think this is just sort of a conditioned bitchy-female thing that I do for no real reason, but I'm inclined to think it's more of an "I-like-hurting-people-I-love" side of myself that I haven't totally accepted (and probably shouldn't). Anyone else feel this way?

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I am with you, on the other side of the coin. It is awful to be told that there are others, you aren't that good, you don't please me enough... but some part of me gets off on it. that wants the chance to make a concerted effort about the one thing that is in issue at the moment. to get Him to take it back or tell me it's okay and it's over. There are times when it really hurts, but if you can just tell yourself it is a scene and things will be okay in the end, it can be a really intense thing. I do love a good mind-fuck.

I don't know if I could ever get into Emotional Sadism or Masochism.. a little physical abuse is one thing, but emotional damage can cut a lot deeper.. I think I'd enjoy making a woman cry by spanking her, but if I was tearing her down emotionally and she started crying I think I'd cave in and give her a hug and say I'm sorry.. I guess I'm just a tender-hearted sadist..

Byakuya said:

I don't know if I could ever get into Emotional Sadism or Masochism.. a little physical abuse is one thing, but emotional damage can cut a lot deeper.. I think I'd enjoy making a woman cry by spanking her, but if I was tearing her down emotionally and she started crying I think I'd cave in and give her a hug and say I'm sorry.. I guess I'm just a tender-hearted sadist..

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but see, that's the best. The feeling of being pulled out of that pain and the surge of love and affection are the whole point of it in the end.

Byakuya said:

I don't know if I could ever get into Emotional Sadism or Masochism.. a little physical abuse is one thing, but emotional damage can cut a lot deeper.. I think I'd enjoy making a woman cry by spanking her, but if I was tearing her down emotionally and she started crying I think I'd cave in and give her a hug and say I'm sorry.. I guess I'm just a tender-hearted sadist..

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That's YOUR way and it's just as okay as anyone else's here. If later you should find your tastes change that's okay too. You shouldn't feel like you have to be like someone else on this board thinks you should be. What works for you and yours is what matters.

Many times on this board (and others) people will state what they think and it will come out as, this is the way it should be or this is better than what you do or think. For most, I don't think it's meant that way but unfortunately it sometimes sounds that way. If they meant it that way, well that's on them.

There are so many different flavors under the big umbrella of BDSM and the even bigger one of kink that you should never feel pressured because something others gush about doesn't sound right for you.

Of course that's only my opinion. Everyone has one. It's free. Take it for what it's worth.

For me, right now, emotional masochism is not something I want in my RL but it does figure into my fantasies quite often.

Fury