Online Relationships

Kailey_86

Literotica Guru
Joined
Aug 30, 2006
Posts
660
I recently found an absolutely fabulous online master. :) We are both new to the D/s scene so we are learning together. I have a question for those of you who are involved or have been involved in an online relationship. I spoke to quite a few people while looking for the right master and each one had a different idea of what they wanted and expected. So far my Dom and I have stuck to IMing with a couple of emails thrown in. Mind you, he has only been my master for 2 or 3 days now. Still, I was wondering what other things people do. I know some Doms make lists for their subs to complete during the day. Some require check in times. Some do cybersex. Some require their subs to wear certain clothing. What else is done? How do your relationships work online? What can I look forward to?
 
I've never been in an online relationship of any kind. In our library you'll find many threads on this subject. This is the section that deals with them.
You might also want to read back a few pages of threads. It's an interesting question to many, and thus discussed often.
Good luck with your relationship. :)
 
chris9 said:
I've never been in an online relationship of any kind. In our library you'll find many threads on this subject. This is the section that deals with them.
You might also want to read back a few pages of threads. It's an interesting question to many, and thus discussed often.
Good luck with your relationship. :)
Thanks for the link. It was a big help.
 
catalina_francisco said:
If you haven't already, you might like to read through this thread as well.

Catalina :catroar:

:D I adore you Cat I knew it was the Mayberry Thread before I clicked it and thankfully I was correct.

Its a wonderful tool in humor to the possible travesty of relationships D/s orientated or otherwise that can occur online.

Thankfully not all online relationships fit that category and some very genuine people attain very genuine happiness often developing well past the limitations of the online genre having started there :rose:
 
@}-}rebecca---- said:
:D

Thankfully not all online relationships fit that category and some very genuine people attain very genuine happiness often developing well past the limitations of the online genre having started there :rose:


So true, I have my own living proof of that...lol, but there sure are a lot of opportunistic sharks out there just waiting for the uninitiated to fall prey to their tricks and manipulations.

Catalina :rose:
 
catalina_francisco said:
If you haven't already, you might like to read through this thread as well.

Catalina :catroar:

This has got to be one of the funniest threads I have ever read and maybe the longest too. I have definately had a couple Doms like that approach me online though. First thing they ask is A/S/Pic? Grrr...I hate that. Grow up is my reaction. I suppose there are actually subs out there who really want this though. A quickie on the internet so to speak. I'm definately not one of them. I think I am slowly learning to weed them out. I don't need to right now though because I think I found a good one. Only time will tell.
 
catalina_francisco said:
So true, I have my own living proof of that...lol, but there sure are a lot of opportunistic sharks out there just waiting for the uninitiated to fall prey to their tricks and manipulations.

Catalina :rose:

Sadly this is true.
It bothers me a little that Kailey calls him master after just a couple of days.
I have posted this before but God knows where, so I will repeat it briefly.

I met someone on alt. We emailed and talked, he was married so I was not interested. We talked for the whole time I was with my ex. It was never a problem.
After my ex our emails became intense and we im'd most evenings. His ideas and wishes were extreme. I was (and still am) naive about various aspects of D/s, so had no idea if what he wanted was the 'norm' or not.
We finally met with the intention of playing. I was soooo bored, everything he had spoke of did not translate into real life. I was so bored in the middle of a flogging I went and made a cup of tea! He did not stop me and later told me the whole night was amazing!

My experience showed me that apart from opportunist sharks there are also Doms who live in their own heads and cannot make BDSM a reality.
 
shy slave said:
It bothers me a little that Kailey calls him master after just a couple of days.

In my mind by calling him master I am creating the mood in a way or setting the scene. It turns me on. It gives him a certain level of power in my mind, the power that I want to give up for the moment. I don't think that I would be able to do the things that he was telling me to do if I weren't thinking of him as "my master." Otherwise, I would probably throw a fit if someone told me what to do like that. It's just easier for me this way. Does anybody else feel this way as well?

I think that the word "master" would have a different meaning if I were in a real life relationship though. I wouldn't call someone master until I really knew and trusted them enough to give myself over to them. It would have a special meaning to it.

We have both talked it over with each other and we aren't looking for a serious relationship so in a way we are just enjoying an interactive fantasy story together. Sometimes I WISH I could find the person to have a more serious and more intense relationship with. I need to get to know them first though. I'm not going to start obeying commands from a complete stranger. This is sometimes the tough part for me. I am impatient and I want to move up to the juicy stuff quickly. This is NOT an invitation though.
 
Kailey_86 said:
In my mind by calling him master I am creating the mood in a way or setting the scene. It turns me on. It gives him a certain level of power in my mind, the power that I want to give up for the moment. I don't think that I would be able to do the things that he was telling me to do if I weren't thinking of him as "my master." Otherwise, I would probably throw a fit if someone told me what to do like that. It's just easier for me this way. Does anybody else feel this way as well?

I think that the word "master" would have a different meaning if I were in a real life relationship though. I wouldn't call someone master until I really knew and trusted them enough to give myself over to them. It would have a special meaning to it.

We have both talked it over with each other and we aren't looking for a serious relationship so in a way we are just enjoying an interactive fantasy story together. Sometimes I WISH I could find the person to have a more serious and more intense relationship with. I need to get to know them first though. I'm not going to start obeying commands from a complete stranger. This is sometimes the tough part for me. I am impatient and I want to move up to the juicy stuff quickly. This is NOT an invitation though.


I am guessing where shy slave is coming from, and myself also is that usually the title 'Master' is given as a mark of respect and recognition of the right to hold that position in your life through a gradual building of trust over time....that trust and title cannot be earned in a couple of days of talking and/or playing online. For me it also relates to what you will see in the New Sub Haven thread whereby subs fall in raptures online for anyone who puts Master or Sir or Dom/me in front of their name....sort of accepting it as fact without really looking deeper to see if the person is real or just wanking and yanking your chain through the screen. Anyone can type the word Master, slave, submissive etc., to be it is a whole other ball game which requires a lot more dedication, effort, and commitment.

For me anyway, it would not vary in honorific meaning whether online or RL, but then I am not one who has ever been big on the online task and/or roleplay game preferring to use online interaction more for communication and learning through ways which do not require me to attempt to flog myself and pretend it is real. What I get from your posts is you want more but have settled for this in your haste to be where you want to be. If I am right in this assessment, you are not only wasting precious time whereby a better opportunity could easily pass you by because you are taken and/or distracted, but you are also learning to sell yourself short of what it is you want for the illusion of having it.

Realistically, you have been looking for a very short time and to settle so quick for a substitute for what you want rings all my alarm bells that you are not in a place whereby you can look out for yourself or protect yourself in the big, bad world out there...IOW, you will take whatever is offered just so you can say or feel you have something or someone...never a good place to be coming from. Please think carefully before falling on your virtual knees at the feet of someone who could be only out for their own amusement at your expense, or worse still, not remotely the person they have told you they are. IME, those I met online did not demand or more importantly accept being called by honorific terms in a couple of days...usually it took much much longer and a lot more interaction of getting to know each other and our needs, and earning each others trust and respect. I would also hold off on telling prospectives you are a virgin until you get to know them better.....you would be amazed at how many will find that a challenge to add another notche to their belt and leave you choking on their dust as they head out in search of more cherries to pop.

Catalina :catroar:
 
Kailey,

Have you ever tried a sport, or play a musical instrument, write etc...?

Of those things you have done, is there anything you consider yourself as being good or exceptional at? Would you go so far as to say you have mastered a specific skill or tallent?

How many years of practice and or effort did you put into a skill or tallent in order to obtain that feeling of mastery?

I don't know if you get what I am trying to say here, but calling a person your master in such a short peroid of time is like calling a boyfriend you just met your husband.

As far as online goes, I am afraid I have little positive news there to offer. There are many things which can be shared between two people online which resemble and have similarities to D/s, but it is not the "same as" D/s. It is different. Some people can and do have very satisfying relationships online because what can be shared is enough for them to satisfy what they want. For many it is not enough.

I wouldn't pretend to tell you or your new Dom online what does or what does not satisfy you both, but what I can say for certain is this, IF either of you truly want to live and expereince Real D/s, the limitations of online D/s will ultimately surface and will leave both of you unsatisfied or will in all likelyhood destroy the relationship you have.

This does not even take into account some of the things like deception and liars which are often prevelant online.

The last peice of advice I can offer is about learning online. Many say online is a great place to learn, and in many ways that is 100% true, but a caution needs to be added to such a statement and the caution goes something like this....

One can not only learn good/true things online, they can also learn bad/false things online.

It has been my expereince that people spend a lot of time and heart ache "Unlearning" all of the bad/untrue things they learned from online.

There is no one right way to do D/s. Its about him wanting you for himself, and your desire to surrendure yourself to him. Whatever you two do between you within that context is doing D/s right. Whatever happiness and satisfaction that comes will come through experimenting together and sharing expereinces. Expereince is the ultimate teacher of truth.

I wish you luck in your relationship choices and also safety for your heart and mind as well as your body.

As to offer one activity that a Dom and a submissive can do online....agree upon a book that you both will enjoy and then read it together, then excahnge emails or discuss it chapter by chapter together. This is a great way to get to learn more about each other and learn what things catch the other person's attention and shows how they view and think about things as they share.
 
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RJMasters said:
I don't know if you get what I am trying to say here, but calling a person your master in such a short peroid of time is like calling a boyfriend you just met your husband.

Great analogy. I admit to feeling a bit of a *squick* at "Master", but couldn't explain why it was there, so didn't say anything- you are great with words, as usual, RJ.

It has been my expereince that people spend a lot of time and heart ache "Unlearning" all of the bad/untrue things they learned from online.

***DING DING DING***

In the thread Betticus started about newbies the other day, I made a comment about cringing when I think of what I initially thought D/s "was"... I didn't have the mess of a cyber-relationship to unlearn, but I did have a lot of misinformation gleaned from online, to unlearn.

There is no one right way to do D/s. Its about him wanting you for himself, and your desire to surrendure yourself to him. Whatever you two do between you within that context is doing D/s right. Whatever happiness and satisfaction that comes will come through experimenting together and sharing expereinces. Expereince is the ultimate teacher of truth.

I wish you luck in your relationship choices and also safety for your heart and mind as well as your body.

As to offer one activity that a Dom and a submissive can do online....agree upon a book that you both will enjoy and then read it together, then excahnge emails or discuss it chapter by chapter together. This is a great way to get to learn more about each other and learn what things catch the other person's attention and shows how they view and think about things as they share.

Wonderful advice, RJ. As I've told Kailey- I'm about the slowest mover on the planet when it comes to a D/s relationship. That is, in part, because I find it impossible to submit casually, and the risks are too high for me to do so. I look at "online" from a LDR standpoint. I do believe that a LDR can work, and feel email/phone calls/tasks/etc are necessary for that to happen. A casual "fantasy" cyber-thing, with no intenet to have a relationship... that gives me pause. Not to sound too goofy, but submitting can be some pretty serious mojo- respect your energy.

I particularly liked RJ's suggestion of studying/discussing a book.
 
I want to thank everybody for all of their comments, suggestions, warnings, and advice. It is helping me organize my thoughts and feelings. I DO want to do this in real life, not on the internet, and I am trying to find the way to get there. I have heard so many people who met their masters online so I thought that this might be the way to go. RJ, I can see your point about calling someone I barely know "master." It makes a lot of sense. I never really thought of it from that point of view before. I am already experiencing that unsatisfaction that you were talking about. I want and need more than I am getting. I realized that the only way to get that, to feel the way I want to, is to find a real life Dom. One that I love and who loves me back. I understand that this will take time...and the right person. I am willing to wait, despite my impatience, in order to find what I am looking for. I have been known for settling and I am not going to do it anymore. I think I've said this before but sometimes I need a good slap in the face before I can see things straight. I am still learning about relationships, BDSM, D/s, and life in general. My idea of what a Dom is and what kind of a relationship I want is very fluid, constantly changing. I will eventually get it right.
 
Kailey, trust me when I say, the very last thing you want to do in a BDSM relationship is rush into it. You want to take your time getting to know the other person, to build your trust in this person you are going to place your mind and body in the hands of to know that they are not going to do you Major harm either physically, mentally or both. Patience is the best thing you can learn right now to have the best future possible.

Just thought I'd throw that out there and wish you the best of luck in your search. :rose:
 
Maybe making a commitment to yourself of X amount of time learning
about the Lifestyle, and seeing if there is a munch that meets in the area would be good. THEN worry about the whole partner thing. Work on the foundational friendship/getting ot know people as people stuff... whenever I get impatient, I remind myself I have decades of life ahead of me, and it's not a competition to see who gets kinkiest, fastest. ;)
 
Kailey_86 said:
I DO want to do this in real life, not on the internet, and I am trying to find the way to get there. I have heard so many people who met their masters online so I thought that this might be the way to go.

When I was in my late teens I was very much interested in aquiring a master irl and thought that the internet was the way to go. I met lots of people for chat, which turned me on more than anything I'd experienced before, and a few of them in person for sessions that usually ended up leaving me yawning, much as with shy slave.

Online relationships can be really fun, even if they don't come out with the ending you desire. They're harmless as long as you don't take them too seriously, and don't let them ruin your life. For instance, don't rush home from school/work every day and sit in front of the computer because your internet master doesn't want you out with your friends. Use common sense and don't do things he tells you to do that might damage you permanently.

I'm definitely not saying DON'T DO IT. I say do it! But don't expect anything to come of it. And keep your eyes open for real life opportunities that might fulfill more desires than one on a computer. In my opinion, my internet relationships and disapointments shaped my expectations and understandings of what I wanted in real life, and that is very valuable to me.
 
The secret of finding your RL partner online is knowing what you want, sticking to it, and being able to sift the fakes from the real. I have never regretted my decision to commit as a slave to and marry F, and it was all planned and arranged before we met face to face. We are now heading into our 5th year together and it just gets better and better, so it is possible.

Catalina :rose:
 
Kailey_86 said:
I want to thank everybody for all of their comments, suggestions, warnings, and advice. It is helping me organize my thoughts and feelings. I DO want to do this in real life, not on the internet, and I am trying to find the way to get there. I have heard so many people who met their masters online so I thought that this might be the way to go. RJ, I can see your point about calling someone I barely know "master." It makes a lot of sense. I never really thought of it from that point of view before. I am already experiencing that unsatisfaction that you were talking about. I want and need more than I am getting. I realized that the only way to get that, to feel the way I want to, is to find a real life Dom. One that I love and who loves me back. I understand that this will take time...and the right person. I am willing to wait, despite my impatience, in order to find what I am looking for. I have been known for settling and I am not going to do it anymore. I think I've said this before but sometimes I need a good slap in the face before I can see things straight. I am still learning about relationships, BDSM, D/s, and life in general. My idea of what a Dom is and what kind of a relationship I want is very fluid, constantly changing. I will eventually get it right.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You'll do fine!

Fury :rose:
 
CutieMouse said:
Great analogy. I admit to feeling a bit of a *squick* at "Master", but couldn't explain why it was there, so didn't say anything- you are great with words, as usual, RJ.



***DING DING DING***

In the thread Betticus started about newbies the other day, I made a comment about cringing when I think of what I initially thought D/s "was"... I didn't have the mess of a cyber-relationship to unlearn, but I did have a lot of misinformation gleaned from online, to unlearn.



Wonderful advice, RJ. As I've told Kailey- I'm about the slowest mover on the planet when it comes to a D/s relationship. That is, in part, because I find it impossible to submit casually, and the risks are too high for me to do so. I look at "online" from a LDR standpoint. I do believe that a LDR can work, and feel email/phone calls/tasks/etc are necessary for that to happen. A casual "fantasy" cyber-thing, with no intenet to have a relationship... that gives me pause. Not to sound too goofy, but submitting can be some pretty serious mojo- respect your energy.

I particularly liked RJ's suggestion of studying/discussing a book.

:rose: :)
 
I found a lovely piece from Lover’s discourse : Fragments by R. Barthes ,

and although it was written in a complete different context respect the one treated above, I liked to remind it here because in my opinion it is an enjoyable little piece about the importance of the language , the written one , inside relations which have not other means to express themselves but words.

The online world is the glorification of the written word . Online words can be pure .

When the verbal communication is not mediated and someway altered by the not verbal one, it can be absolute .

Specially in synchronous kind of talks ( IRC , IM s , Chats ) ,when the other means don’t come in between ( phone , webcams etc. ) during a “love” or “sex intercourse” everything begins and ends in the choice of the right words to produce the sentence which has to fly in space and hit the other’s senses.

The phrase which has to cast the image we want transmit and at same time get back, like in a mirrors play , our reflected image inside the other’s words is the perfect sexual organ .

That post is not an particular defence about online relations , which IMO are not all the same but very different in their basic elements , and for that reason are difficult to consider in a generalizing way .

It is only aimed to be , in a thread about online interactions , a little tribute to the subversive impact strength the language can have and which has been extolled by the internet medium . :rose:

***

Language is a skin: I rub my language against the other. It is as if I had words instead of fingers, or fingers at the tip of my words. My language trembles with desire. The emotion derives from a double contact: on the one hand, a whole activity of discourse discreetly, indirectly focuses upon a single signified, which is 'I desire you," and releases, nourishes, ramifies it to the point of explosion (language experiences orgasm upon touching itself); on the other hand, I enwrap the other in my words, I caress, brush against, talk up this contact, I extend myself to make the commentary to which I submit the relation endure.

Roland Barthes - A Lover’s discourse : Fragments
 
Thank you all very much. :) I am feeling a lot better. Feeling a bit more confident in what I am doing.
 
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