This topic doesn't have any real purpose. I just feel like venting my life story to my newest forum community. I'm not looking for advice (though I may scream "why?" later on, I don't want an answer), and I don't want to hear everyone telling me to grow up and be a man (although now that I have said that I'm sure that will be in the first five posts). I'm just blathering, winging, and bitching for the hell of it.
My first memories are of my older brother and I waiting for my younger brother to be born. I was 2 ½, and my older brother was 4 ½. My next memory is of coming home from the hospital later that day in the middle of a blizzard (the snow on the driveway was above my head). After that I remember getting ready for bed later that week/month (the yellow/gold bedcovers just stand out for some reason). My older brother and I shared a room with our beds a few feet apart from each other. After that I remember moving to the house that I still live in to this day.
A few years later I went to preschool. I don't remember much more than hanging on a spider-shaped jungle gym that was really fun. After that was kindergarten. I went the first day, and don't remember that too well. I missed the second day (don't remember why, just that I did). On the third day, is when I remember my life taking a distinctively wrong turn that never really got righted. I sat in the first available chair like I had the day before, and a minute later some kid starts complaining that I was in his seat. I missed the day before, so I had no idea what he was on about, but the teacher moved me, I felt ashamed, and things went on with more of the same for the next couple of years.
First that kid didn't like me, and started bullying me (punching me in the gut on the way out to the busses most days), and then everyone else followed suit. I had dry flaky skin that looked lizard-like, so I got picked on for that. I had a unique last name (more unique than most or I wouldn't have mentioned it), so I got picked on for that. I was skinnier than most kids, so I got picked on for that, and I (unknowingly at the time) had epilepsy, which caused me to just sit and stare in a trance most of the time, and keeping me for sticking up for myself most days.
Any one of those things is trivial, I admit. But all of them put together meant that I didn't have any friends growing up. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time, but now I see how detrimental it really was.
When I was eight my family took me to the neurologist and I was diagnosed with said brain disease, and was medicated for the next six years. The epilepsy cleared up, I stopped staring so much, I stood up for myself more and more, but I still never made any friends. I got left back when I was thirteen. I had to repeat the seventh grade because I didn't do any homework. I tried to take this opportunity to make some friends, but it didn't help. In high school, I grew my hair out (I'm a metal head) joined the fencing team, and still didn't make any friends. The other kids on the team were nicer than most, but still no real bonding done.
Backtracking, the first girl that I asked out was in my first year of seventh grade. She was in my history/politics/sociology class. She sat a few rows ahead of me. She said no, she had a boyfriend already. I didn't ask anyone out for a few years after that. The next girl I asked out was named Kim. We were both around sixteen years old. She said yes, and we agreed to meet at the movies that Friday. I showed up a little early, and she never showed up at all that I saw. She said that she had one of her older friends drive by the theater, and they laughed at me as they did so. Great… She tried to convince me that another Kim that was in our class really wanted me to go out with her. Yeah, like I'm going to trust her at this point? No. I asked out another girl over summer vacation that year. We were both working summer jobs near each other, and she said yes as well. Then gave me a phony number and we never hooked up…
I got fire from that job a month after starting for mixing up two of my days on the schedule. I was only late by two hours, my first time being late, but I was fired before I walked in the door. To this day I hate rotating work schedules and avoid them like the plague. The need in New Jersey to have "work papers" for people under eighteen meant that I wouldn't look for a job again until I was over eighteen.
Later that year in school I asked out a girl on the fencing team, but she said no (finally, an honest response). She was seeing one of the other team members. They had a tumultuous relationship, which made her break down in tears a lot, but there was nothing I could do about that at the time, and I moved on.
I graduated without asking anyone else out that I can remember anymore. So that means I graduated without ever having any friends, or dates, or any real social activities. I was six foot four inches tall and 145 pounds underweight. I spent the next two months sitting around watching TV and fattening up to 155 pounds underweight.
I started technical school for architectural drafting in August, and that was a class of mostly men. There were two women. One looked hot, the other didn't. The hot girl went to lunch the first day, and never came back. The not one stayed the course.
I got another job that started in September on my 19th birthday. The active manager that night let me go home early! I tried to fight it and be a good employee, but she insisted I go. Wasn't expecting that. It was a great job when I think back to it. I didn't mind working for most of the eighteen months that I did.
December rolled around, and I got sick on the 20th. I went home from work after two hours (six hours early), and took the next day off from school (Wednesdays were my day off from work anyway). When I came back on Thursday, the 22 nd, I had this cute Asian girl come bouncing up to me, and introduced herself as "Joi with an I" and helping me in my department that day. Ok, cool. The next day in the break room she described what she thought was cute about men, and I was three for three, so I jokingly asked her out, and she jokingly said yes. The next day (December 23 rd 1994), we made it official, and our first date was set for January 1st, 1995. We went to the mall the Wednesday before that (December 28th), with her best friend who didn't like me too much. We cuddled in the car on the drive back to our own cars.
I went over her house for our first date, and she and her friend cooked us and her friend's boyfriend (some redneck asshole who was a perfect match for her bitchy friend now that I think about it) spaghetti, and we rented movies (Willow and Maverick). Joi and I watched Maverick before her friend and boyfriend got there, then dinner (I don't like spaghetti, but I ate as much as I could stand), and then we watched Maverick, which nobody liked.
Joi's friend and her boyfriend left, and Joi and I made out on her bed (yay! My first kiss!). Things were looking good. We made out the next Friday as well, another guy we worked with got jealous, I got her topless the next week, and things were great! And then she dumped me… we got back together within the end of that week. We had sex on Valentines day that year (a month and a half after we originally started dating, her idea). I didn't get her anything but a gag gift (fool!), and she broke up with me again the next day. Again, we were back together a week later. We had sex three times the week after that, and I didn't finish any of those times… She dumped me again the Friday before Easter at a get-together at her house. I didn't know until Saturday when she clarified. It took us a month to get back together again. We had sex three more times (four if you could me prematurely ejaculating after getting back from an amusement part in August). And then she broke up with me on August 25 th, 1995, for the forth and final time. We remained friends for the next two years (supposedly, I had jaw surgery and she never came to see me, even when I was at home recovering).
I got into a band with the son of a co-worker, who was working part time at the same store. I played drums, and he played guitar. Joi met the other guitarist before I did. Then I met the rest of the band, and Joi (twenty one years old) fell in love with guitarist #1 (sixteen years old). He kept canceling practices to be with her, and so I suggested kicking him out of the band to two of the other members. They said, "Ok," and he was out the next week.
I changed jobs from retail to architectural drafting a couple months before my 21st birthday. I was hanging out with my band-mates after the first day, when guitarist #2 told me that Joi was having sex with guitarist #1. I left work the next day feeling sick to my stomach every time I thought about that.
Just before my 21st birthday I had my lower jaw extended, and then wired shut so that my teeth would align properly, I had to be on a liquid diet for a month, and I never went back to eating lunch afterward.
I was only friends with guitarist #2 (eighteen years old to my twenty one years) at that point. But he was a real jackass. So one day when guitar player #2 couldn't hang out, I started being friendly to the bass player (Greg, sixteen years old), for the first time in a year since meeting him. I bought him dinner, and just like that we were better friends than I had been with guitarist #2, and a year later I stopped talking to guitarist #1.
Around this time my younger sister was going through puberty, and forbade me from dating her friends. I never heard her forbid my other brothers, but she reminded me of my forbidden-ness every few months to this day.
At this point, Greg and I were hanging out almost every day. Almost everyone that I knew was one of his friends. Because he was so much younger than I was, and all of the girls that he hung out with were even younger, I didn't have anyone to choose from to ask out. They were all jailbait. On top of that, as each one got older, they didn't want me anyway. They were all in love with Greg and his other friends who all went to school together. When I was introduced to a woman my own age, Greg got to her before I could make a move anyway.
Backtracking again, guitarist #2 tried to set me up with a girl (June 10th, 1997), swearing that she was 18 years old. In the middle of dinner she told me she was only 16, and I pretty much ignored her for the rest of the night (I was almost 22).
Someone else tried to introduce me to someone who she said was single. We drove down to this woman's apartment to meet her. When we get there she introduces her fiancé. Kick in the fucking head…
I asked out every girl/woman that I found attractive over the next few years. They were all too young or attached, or just plain old uninterested. They all said no.
So here I was, a 20 something year old man, working in an office by himself (my boss works from home or his car, he's hardly ever at the office, like now, as I type this at my desk instead of working), with friends who are friends with underage girls, and cock block me at every chance they get "I didn't find her attractive…" – But I did you ass! Why do you think I was talking the her?" Fucker. Why am I still friends with him?
My older brother got married on my 24th birthday. You would think he would have listened when I told him that it was the only day of the year that I find important, and asked him not to be a fucking ass and pick another day, but no, he got married on my birthday. I left early with my younger brother, and we picked up all of my friends (all of them, and some acquaintances too), and we went to Fuddruckers wearing tuxedos and suits. All of us. Then we went to a pool hall in tuxedos and suits. It was fun. Then I had to drive home and grabbed my wallet because my brother and I switched jackets, and went back to Greg's house where we played video games for half the night in tuxedos and suits.
I shaved my head exactly one year later. Everyone who knew me only knew me with hair down to my ass, so I got some great reactions from everyone when they saw me with no hair. One girl (the older woman who was my age who Greg stole from me before I could make a move) freaked the fuck out. It was great. I have short-ish hair to this day.
I start growing a long goatie.
Greg, his mother and older sister got evicted from their apartment because mommy didn't pay the bills, or work, or anything. She pretty much just sat around watching TV or playing computer Solitaire and smoking. Greg had to move a half hour further away from me than he originally was (now an hour away), so I stopped seeing him much anymore. So there wet what little social life I had.
I started eating lunch again one December when I was 26. The first thing that I noticed when I got to the restaurant was that the waitress was really cute. She would have been cuter without the glitter makeup, but I was still greatly attracted to her. I was contemplating asking her out one day in January when I heard a little girl call her "mom". Buzzkill. I had only been with one woman, andI wasn't ready to be with a mother. That changed over the next few months though, and I was building up the courage to ask her out when she invited me to the same amusement park that I had gone to with Joi before she broke up with me (and also where I had first seen her kissing guitarist #1, the day I had earlier suggested kicking him out of the band). I accepted, and we went.
Beth, her daughter, her coworker, her friend and I went to the park (in October), had fun, and enjoyed ourselves. I drove us home in her car because she was too tired to drive. I found out she was a recovering addict, and that he daughter's father was abusive. I also knew from previous conversations that she was financially struggling. I was falling more in love by the minute (I've always wanted to "save" somebody). When we got to my house, it was raining heavily out, and I didn't want to get out of the car. She also looked so cute I wanted to kiss her, but with her friend in the backseat staring at us I couldn't bring myself to take that chance. I told her my feelings for her later the next week, and she called to tell me that she wasn't up to dating anyone right now because she just got out of a long-term relationship… I could have sworn she made the first move, but I guess I was misreading every goddamn signal she was sending.
I started taking martial arts classes. I study Shaolin Long Fist Kung Fu. I started going for several reasons. One, I was out of shape at six foot four and 235 pounds at my heaviest. Two, I needed to get out of the house with my social life dead as it was (is, things haven't changed much). Three, I really love the martial arts, and really wanted to learn them (I watched Invincible Pole Fighter a hundred times too many). Four, I was hoping to meet a young Asian woman (I have an Asian woman fetish) who I could make friends with.
I'm getting into shape from it, but it hasn't exactly helped my social life. No one has even asked for my number to call me if anything happens to anyone. I did meet a couple of young Asian girls, but they were too young for me. They all stopped going to the school anyway, so no chance of me being there for them when they get old enough either. The most attractive woman studying there was engaged the entire time she was a student. She married one of the instructors. The most attractive woman at all there was the daughter of one of the instructors. She went to high school with me, though we never met when there. She was married when I met her at the school.
Beth and I remain friendly. We talk on the phone a couple of times. A half-year after going to the amusement park, I ask her out as a friend so that she can see a movie that she missed because she was on the phone in the lobby the entire time taking care of a friend's finances (longer story than mine, no need to go into it). She says yes, and I'm happy for a moment again. Two weeks later I see an engagement ring on her finger that I never saw before. I stop going to that restaurant the next day, and haven't spoken to her since. A few weeks later I stop seeing her car in the parking lot. I've stopped by a few times, and she indeed doesn't work their anymore. I think I saw her earlier in the summer with a new daughter, but I didn't say hello, so I don't know.
I did start meeting more women at the restaurants that I stop at after school though. I went to ask out one of them one night, and as I was opening my mouth to call her over to ask her out, she turned to me ans jokingly said "I'm getting married!" I didn't find out that it was a joke for six months. So I had to figure out all over again if asking her out was the right thing to do or not. When I decided to ask her out, I was walking into the restaurant when an aquaintence I knew from days of old who was now working there comes up to me and asks me if I could give him a ride home so that no one would know he was screwing the girl I was about to ask out… I nearly put him through the wall. She started having troubles with him a couple weeks later, traded IM names with me, and we chatted a couple of times, but when I tried to move in I failed.
I hit ten years without being with a woman and gave up asking.
Somewhere along the way, the girls I see everywhere went from being underage to being engaged/married. I saw ten attractive women at lunch today, in several groups, and every one of them was wearing a ring. What the fuck is up with that?
A few months later a new girl starts working at the same restaurant, and I find myself attracted to her, but I avoid her because I can't take any more rejections. I shave my beard off in the meantime. Everyone who knows me has never seen me without it. They are all shocked. I revel in their reactions (I love seeing people's reactions).
The new attractive girl (Kimmy), gets tipped in birthday cake one night, earlier this year (yes, we are now in present day, I am thirty, and still alone). I tell her that I am envious, as I haven't had cake in a long time. She offered me some, but I didn't take any from her. It was her tip, and I was trying to avoid her so that I wouldn't get attached. The next night (week?) I place my order on my way home from kung fu class, and pace around outside to cool off from a hard workout. She sees me outside and comes jetting out for a cigarette break (damn, I hate smoking). We have a discussion about books (I hardly read anything off the internet and I'm discussing books with an eighteen year old girl), and she introduces herself (as Kim, even though everyone calls her Kimmy, even her nametag).
I find myself paying attention to her, and getting attached. Damn you Kimmy!
Two weeks after the book conversation, she starts complaining to me about how her life sucks. One of her problems is that he boyfriend broke up with her. I console her, and tell her a few ways my life sucks too, but I make sure that her life sounds worse (it really sucks when you complain about hardships and the listener one ups you. Beth from the other restaurant did this to me all the time).
The next week she is complaining again, but I was feeling not so bad. She got upset at me for this, so I demanded that I take her out to change her mood. She said yes. I nearly died. I forgot to get her number before leaving… I see her again a week later, and ask for her number so that I can take her out and cheer her up, but over that time her ex called her up and they were getting back together. I knew it would happen, and it did, but I was still heart broken. We remain friendly.
Another girl at another restaurant that I stop at asks me one night where is my other food place of business. I tell her where, and she asks me if I know Kimmy… I tell her that I was just about to complain about the Kimmy situation to her, and then explain it while she explains that she and Kimmy are best friends. Then she writes a note to Kimmy, and has me deliver it to her without saying who it was from. Kimmy guesses who before I hand her the note. She writes one in return.
I started playing poker at a local bar with my father this past winter. They have a free weekly tournament in conjunction with some website. If you win enough you can go to the world series of poker for free. I'm ok, but I don't think I stand a chance of winning enough for that. I might make the state championships though.
There used to be women at the bar that we play at. A couple weeks in I bumped into one that I graduated high school with. We didn't really know each other, but it was fun to see an old face that looked almost exactly the same. Her one friend was white trash, but looked ok, and was married. The girl I graduated with had a crush on another one of the layers, but my father inisted that she seemed to like me, but she gave a lapdance to the guy she had a crush on, and we haven't seen either of them since. I have been playing better poker since she disappeared though.
All the wome seem to have disappeared from the bar as well though. One player caught his wife in bed with another player (who is also married to another player), and most of them and their friends (who also played from time to time) all stopped showing up, and now there are no women at the bar anymore.
And I don't drink, so something or other that isn't important...
So here I am, a thirty year old man, alone for the most part, nine years since my last date and eleven years since the last time I had sex, still living with my parents, passing notes back and forth between two eighteen year old girls, one of which I asked out who said yes and then no before we could go out, and no idea what the hell I am doing telling you all of this (like anyone is reading this far, hehehe).
Well, there's my life as best I can remember it. I've been meaning to write it down for a while now, but just haven't gotten around to it until today. I suppose if anyone likes I could elaborate on any number of points, but I really don't see that happening