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Dominants safety

Kajira Callista

Kajira Callista

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Sep 10, 2003
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We hear all the warnings for subs and how they should do a 6 page list of checking up on a Dom before they meet.

What about Dominants?
They have a greater chance of problems if they decide to meet someone for play and the next morning the police come and haul them off because their submissive decided that she didn't wanna play nice.

How do dominants keep themselves safe?
 
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Kajira Callista said:
We here all the warnings for subs and how they should do a 6 page list of checking up on a Dom before they meet.

What about Dominants?
They have a greater chance of problems if they decide to meet someone for play and the next morning the police come and haul them off because their submissive decided that she didn't wanna play nice.

How do dominants keep themselves safe?
Click to expand...

Really Interesting Topic.

I had one Story passed onto me and posted it awhile back that relates. Bridgeburner also commented. Passing on the links as they may be useful.

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=16690779&postcount=810

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=16697564&postcount=813

@}-}rebecca----
 
Interesting question. One I've pondered myself. This very issue is one reason I prefer to meet a prospective sub online as that forms a paper (email) trail of our discussion from day one. I also make the rules and limits very clear before we ever meet in person, even if it's just for the initial face to face. If I have any doubts to the person's motive or reasons for wanting what I, as a Dom, offer I don't move past the initial email phase. Once I've met someone and begin to trust them I only play under the terms of a fairly formal written contract which clearly states the nature of our relationship, the limits/rules and so on which both the sub and I sign and date. That should pretty much cover my butt in a situation as described in the links in this thread. None of it is legally binding in anyway, but the email trail and signed contract sure show that our "relationship" was mutual.

Trust works both ways. A sub needs to trust their Dom just as much as a Dom needs to trust their sub. My tastes run towards the fairly formal Dom/sub relationship, well beyond the kinky Top/bottom play but not quite as far as the Master/slave model. The D/s relationships I favor (and seek out) are 60/40 mental/physical. Sex isn't the basis of it. Rather there is a huge mental angle to me. So the subs I find I feel i get deep enough into their head to know their motives and wants for what I can use them for. It's a lengthy process but also helps to avoid a bad situation, for both of us.

There is risk in what we do, those of us attracted to BDSM, especially with new people to the scene. I've never personally had an issue like this (the links in this thread), though I have definitely had subs that have shared feelings of regret and fear of former Tops/Doms/Masters. I try to work around those and provide my sub a safe and secure environment to let go.

Trust is just a word. You can't demand it and it can't be taken. One's actions are the only thing that can prove one's trust-worthy-ness and that is a two way street.

In the 12 years I've billed myself as a Master or a Dom. I've learned alot about the human mind and feel I can see honesty and integrity in people, in and out of the scene. You learn from experience and everything in this day and age, especially BDSM play, involves managing risk.
 
riverofshudder said:
Interesting question. One I've pondered myself. This very issue is one reason I prefer to meet a prospective sub online as that forms a paper (email) trail of our discussion from day one. I also make the rules and limits very clear before we ever meet in person, even if it's just for the initial face to face. If I have any doubts to the person's motive or reasons for wanting what I, as a Dom, offer I don't move past the initial email phase. Once I've met someone and begin to trust them I only play under the terms of a fairly formal written contract which clearly states the nature of our relationship, the limits/rules and so on which both the sub and I sign and date. That should pretty much cover my butt in a situation as described in the links in this thread. None of it is legally binding in anyway, but the email trail and signed contract sure show that our "relationship" was mutual.

Trust works both ways. A sub needs to trust their Dom just as much as a Dom needs to trust their sub. My tastes run towards the fairly formal Dom/sub relationship, well beyond the kinky Top/bottom play but not quite as far as the Master/slave model. The D/s relationships I favor (and seek out) are 60/40 mental/physical. Sex isn't the basis of it. Rather there is a huge mental angle to me. So the subs I find I feel i get deep enough into their head to know their motives and wants for what I can use them for. It's a lengthy process but also helps to avoid a bad situation, for both of us.

There is risk in what we do, those of us attracted to BDSM, especially with new people to the scene. I've never personally had an issue like this (the links in this thread), though I have definitely had subs that have shared feelings of regret and fear of former Tops/Doms/Masters. I try to work around those and provide my sub a safe and secure environment to let go.

Trust is just a word. You can't demand it and it can't be taken. One's actions are the only thing that can prove one's trust-worthy-ness and that is a two way street.

In the 12 years I've billed myself as a Master or a Dom. I've learned alot about the human mind and feel I can see honesty and integrity in people, in and out of the scene. You learn from experience and everything in this day and age, especially BDSM play, involves managing risk.
Click to expand...

Well said :)
 
"How do dominants keep themselves safe?"

Very good question KC, and I'm actually a bit surprised it doesn't get a lot of mention on the boards here.

To keep myself clear of any of the possible problems you suggested I have a few self-imposed rules I adhere to at all times.

Firstly, I never, NEVER do anything BDSM-related in the first couple of weeks of knowing someone. Even if they claim to be in the scene, my policy is to go over the physical and mental details involved before we begin to work out sessions. Secondly, we make a list of gear and techniques we've used and would like to use, as well as the ones we don't really care for as well. I think in the end the only way you can figure out if you (as a Dom) are protected is by investing the time and effort into getting to know as much about the sub as possible to ensure you're both on the same level.
 
Safest form of play

Kajira Callista said:
We hear all the warnings for subs and how they should do a 6 page list of checking up on a Dom before they meet.

What about Dominants?
They have a greater chance of problems if they decide to meet someone for play and the next morning the police come and haul them off because their submissive decided that she didn't wanna play nice.

How do dominants keep themselves safe?
Click to expand...


Play in a public location and fill out negotiation forms with someone you have not ever done a scene with.


Playing in private, if you want a safe call. Both top and bottom can have a safe call.
 
I think one general key safety guideline could apply to meeting up with most anyone, Dominant, submissive, switch or vanilla. Actually get to know the person in a public, well lit setting (coffee or dinner) and resist going off alone them on that first, second, or even third or forth encounter no matter how eager you are to get your rocks off. Even if you are not looking for anything more than a one time fuckfest/session, common sense should still prevail. You have to be able to get the feel of the other person in a real time enviroment before you can determine if they are the sort of person you feel comfortable being with (particularly if bondage and discipline is part of the agenda.)

I think anyone considering involving themselves with the sort of submissive who is in such desperation to err... "prove their devotion to you" after only a couple brief online/telephone chats might be wise to consider the flashing red flags. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting a little no strings attached companionship, but excersizing caution could be the difference between making it home safe for a good wank and having bubba do it for you from behind (prison bars, that is. ;) )

From another perspective, if a "dominiant" has so little self control over his/her hormones that he/she can't understand the importance of becoming aquainted before placing both of us in such a potentially dangerous situation, I'm liable to just get turned off alltogether at the lack of responsiblity and concern.

For those who absolutely MUST scene on a first encounter though, I would suggest some sort of nightclub type shindig or group event hosted by reputable members of the local BDSM community.
 
An average of 109 people in the US get in their cars only to end up six feet under every day. Life is full of risks. I heard it said once that the only thing a safe call does is help the police find the body.

I've yet to meet a psycho sub. All my experiences have been good. Filled with smiles and laugher and orgasms and sad partings. My only safety precaution is trying to get to know someone before we meet. I do try to go the extra mile to make her feel as safe as possible.

A bigger worry has always been getting hauled off for assault which I could see happening even if the consenting sub was present and defending me.
 
sincerely_helene said:


From another perspective, if a "dominiant" has so little self control over his/her hormones that he/she can't understand the importance of becoming aquainted before placing both of us in such a potentially dangerous situation, I'm liable to just get turned off alltogether at the lack of responsiblity and concern.
Click to expand...

sincerly_helene this is such a good point. As I read KC's post I wondered myself about why a Dominant would get themselves in that situation and the first thing that came to mind was: Impatience.

As Dom's, one of the things we must do, more often than not while training a new submissive, is to teach them self discipline and patience. Yet, to jump on the first opportunity to Top someone, shows a personal lack of self discipline - and THAT is the root of the danger.

If someone is out to get you, they'll give off signs. IF they are unsure of their "morning after" feeling, you as the Dom should have taken the time to see that uncertainty, and work through it with them till You are satisfied. If you are not, stay away and keep working.

Just My thoughts....
 
No, If you would like I will put in other words.

I will take all the precautions(I can) to protect the other person as well as myself before ever even touching them.









Kajira Callista said:
So are we sayin' that Doms have a secret sense that subs don't have?
Click to expand...
 
QuietlyMakingNoise said:
sincerly_helene this is such a good point. As I read KC's post I wondered myself about why a Dominant would get themselves in that situation and the first thing that came to mind was: Impatience.

As Dom's, one of the things we must do, more often than not while training a new submissive, is to teach them self discipline and patience. Yet, to jump on the first opportunity to Top someone, shows a personal lack of self discipline - and THAT is the root of the danger.

If someone is out to get you, they'll give off signs. IF they are unsure of their "morning after" feeling, you as the Dom should have taken the time to see that uncertainty, and work through it with them till You are satisfied. If you are not, stay away and keep working.

Just My thoughts....
Click to expand...

That is all true with a new relation. How about those so called on line RPG deals. They often do not allow for a soft start so to say.
 
Kajira Callista said:
So are we sayin' that Doms have a secret sense that subs don't have?
Click to expand...

Not at all. I, too, think riverofshudder's post makes a great deal of sense.

Early on, it helps to talk to the people they (say they) know. If they are experienced in the lifestyle, you probably know some folk, o/l or R/L, in common. And if they're new to it all, a go-slow approach makes even more sense for them than for you.

We hear about dominants who are disillusioned with submissive contacts all the time. I can't recall a dominant getting in serious trouble -- physical, legal, etc. -- however.

Any stories we should be aware of, Kajira?

ST
 
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The kind of thing I'm into could get me sent to jail right away for domestic violence; but I've never had any misgivings. It's because I trust my instincts 100%.
 
Kajira Callista said:
We hear all the warnings for subs and how they should do a 6 page list of checking up on a Dom before they meet.

What about Dominants?
They have a greater chance of problems if they decide to meet someone for play and the next morning the police come and haul them off because their submissive decided that she didn't wanna play nice.

How do dominants keep themselves safe?
Click to expand...
Thie has been decussed here, before. It was about a year ago, I think..after some guy was charged because the woamn changed her mind after the fact. (this seems similar to the RU486 pill, for pregnancy. Just a changing of one's mind)

Several options were brought up...24 hour contracts were the only options that came out making sense. But to those who frequent this type of thins with strangers, everything took more away from the scene than it brought to it, in regaurds to the Dom's security.

I twas mostly decided that once you get to know someone, this is no longer a factor, unless you are married or in a long term relationship and are looking for a way out that pads the submissive's side. What works better on divorce papers or some other legal separation documents than "he tied my up AGAINST MY WILL and beat me"?

If I remember correctly, nothing was ever decided to work. There's always going to be a chance it could happen, no matter what measures you take. The best would be a signed contract between the two stating what will happen, but even that can be broken by a good lawyer.

Just as the sub isn't always going to be safe, neither is the Dom. There's always whackos out there that will take advantage of the situation because it's available. the percentage is lowest, the better you know your partner. But, if you like to take risks and play with strangers...that's one of the risks.
 
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Gotta go with the gut feeling...

If something/someone doesn't seem right or seems too good to be true...it probably is.
 
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