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Old 04-03-2006, 11:00 AM   #1
sophia jane
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Can a top be topped?

I've been thinking alot about this lately, and then again last night because of a scene in the L word episode I watched: can a top be topped? Successfully, I mean? Can one top top another?
I'm a bottom, totally, but I can top on occasion, and I can top from the bottom (which I dislike quite alot), but for whatever reason I cannot picture the tops I know being truly topped.
Thoughts and experiences?

(does this even make sense?)
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:02 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sophia jane
Can one top top another?
Oh, yes.

ETA: Everybody likes variety. There are times when a top just wants taken.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:07 AM   #3
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O hell yes.

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Old 04-03-2006, 11:07 AM   #4
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It is all about power exchange. Giving as well as recieving. I think every one has those moments when they want to try something new or different and decide to be slightly different than who they are normally. It may not come naturally and may take more effort but yes a top can be topped, when they choose to.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:09 AM   #5
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I think the sheer competition of two tops trying to outdo one another will spark a very heated and rigorous experience. I believe though that in the end one would submit to the other because it would be enjoyable. As long as egos stay out of the way and both realize that either position can be fun and satisfying, I think the answer would be yes.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:16 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sophia jane
I'm a bottom, totally, but I can top on occasion, and I can top from the bottom (which I dislike quite alot), but for whatever reason I cannot picture the tops I know being truly topped.
Thoughts and experiences?
I'm a bottom too. My last relationship was with a die-hard top. She wanted to be topped from time to time. And I could pull it off occasionally. See, that's the bottom in me. Topping her because she wanted it and I wanted to please her. But, even then, I was bottoming from the top. Doing it all the way she wanted in an effort to give her the best experience possible.

And now, I totally need to watch more L Word to find out what scene you were watching.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:17 AM   #7
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Well, I am a Master who is 100% Dom, but my slave is a switch. One of the ways that we get around this is to have her rewarded with "Slave Days" now and then. These are days when she gets to be in charge, instead of me. I don't do it often, since I don't actually enjoy being "topped", but I do it now and then. Plus, it's nice to
learn some empathy for her. That, and I get to give her a taste of her own medicine (annoying things that she sometimes does when I am actively dominating her).
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:22 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by logophile
I'm a bottom too. My last relationship was with a die-hard top. She wanted to be topped from time to time. And I could pull it off occasionally. See, that's the bottom in me. Topping her because she wanted it and I wanted to please her. But, even then, I was bottoming from the top. Doing it all the way she wanted in an effort to give her the best experience possible.

And now, I totally need to watch more L Word to find out what scene you were watching.
(I'll give you a hint- it involves Shane and I laughed out loud).
And I know exactly what you mean; I've topped that way, too, but it's not quite truly topping.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:24 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sophia jane
I've topped that way, too, but it's not quite truly topping.
Well, then what you're saying is that stepping outside your comfort zone in order to please your partner can never be "quite truly topping."

I disagree.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:25 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by logophile
I'm a bottom too. My last relationship was with a die-hard top. She wanted to be topped from time to time. And I could pull it off occasionally. See, that's the bottom in me. Topping her because she wanted it and I wanted to please her. But, even then, I was bottoming from the top. Doing it all the way she wanted in an effort to give her the best experience possible.
I'm exactly the same way. As a person, or possibly more a man, I feel the need to be strong and dominate in a social setting, but it's just not me. It's not my nature to be dominate. I'm passive. Not weak by any means. I'm very strong and capable of taking care of myself. In a relationship, I'm a sub. I'll follow and not lead. I want to make my partner happy. The problem that I seem to run into is that my social "mask" gets me in relationships with other subs, even more sub than I. I can ocassionaly top like you, but I do it only to make my partner happy. I don't want to be controlled though. That's my catch 22. I want to make my partner happy and will do anything for that, but when I feel like they are trying to live my life, tell me what to do, then I seriously back away and close off from that person. So, I'm not a total bottom, but I'm not a top by any means either. I'm the Diet Coke of bottoms, just one calorie.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:25 AM   #11
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Yes I believe so.

My first exposure to D/s, the mindset anyways, was in a book called Escape From Freedom by Eric Fromme.

He explained D/s in terms of ego reinforcement. The dominant reinforces their ego by, in essence, absorbing the ego of the submissive. The submissive reinforces their ego by being absorbed into the dominant's ego.

So, I think it's quite possible to switch roles. If you're looking for ego reinforcement

There's more to it than that, but the idea has stuck with me for a long time. I'm not sure if it's the truth, or even accurate, but the idea has stayed with me.

I used that idea to write my Year End nominated BDSM story. The link's in my sig. (plug, plug)
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:26 AM   #12
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I think people are unrealistic about maintaining one role. If you like the exchange, getting good at it going either way according to who has more energy at the moment...

That works for me.

And I have yet to meet any reasonably sane and dedicated "Dom" male or woman who doesn't really get tired of "doing all the work" at times and wants something to go their way from someone who knows them well enough to figure out what that way is first.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:27 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by impressive
Well, then what you're saying is that stepping outside your comfort zone in order to please your partner can never be "quite truly topping."

I disagree.
If my top tells me to top and I'm only doing it to please him/her, it's completely different that one dominant person dominating another dominant person. That's what I was getting at. I have topped many time (most of my marriage actually) and I even as a bottom I was "truly topping" but he wasn't a top at all. In situations with a top, I topped but I don't think I was actually in control of those situations.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:28 AM   #14
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Erm... I'm going to get slapped at, I'm sure, but I'm going to say this flatly, so try not to get offended, okay, everyone?

I'm assuming you asked as a form of research, but I could be wrong, so...

Anyone can be topped. It may not be pretty, or pleasant, or enjoyable for the one who ends up being dominated, but it can, by hook or crook, be done.
Sometimes there are very, very strong tops who are completely helpless if manipulated into a "topped from the bottom" situation, or who can get in over there heads by underestimating their partner. And also, it depends on who wants it more. I know "bottoms" who are more completely in control than most tops, simply because they want it that way. (Of course, both of the people I'm thinking of have an absolute silken touch with manipulation, and watching them work when they turn it 'on' is both terrifying and amusing as hell.)

IMHO, most of the tops I know have one character flaw in common: arrogance. They assume, on some level, that they will always be in charge in a given situation. That can, and sometimes does, get them in trouble. Emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically.

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Old 04-03-2006, 11:32 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FallingToFly
Erm... I'm going to get slapped at, I'm sure, but I'm going to say this flatly, so try not to get offended, okay, everyone?

I'm assuming you asked as a form of research, but I could be wrong, so...

Anyone can be topped. It may not be pretty, or pleasant, or enjoyable for the one who ends up being dominated, but it can, by hook or crook, be done.
Sometimes there are very, very strong tops who are completely helpless if manipulated into a "topped from the bottom" situation, or who can get in over there heads by underestimating their partner. And also, it depends on who wants it more. I know "bottoms" who are more completely in control than most tops, simply because they want it that way. (Of course, both of the people I'm thinking of have an absolute silken touch with manipulation, and watching them work when they turn it 'on' is both terrifying and amusing as hell.)

IMHO, most of the tops I know have one character flaw in common: arrogance. They assume, on some level, that they will always be in charge in a given situation. That can, and sometimes does, get them in trouble. Emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically.

.02 with no refund offered.
Also, if you have a Dom who has one thing in particular...intelligence, creativity, talent, whatever...and you're better at it than they are, they're screwed. No leverage whatsoever, they know it. And then they want to know...just what it woud feel like...
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:32 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FallingToFly
IMHO, most of the tops I know have one character flaw in common: arrogance. They assume, on some level, that they will always be in charge in a given situation.
That's a "bravado top," in my book. Ick. I cannot be topped by someone I don't respect.

A true top understands her bottom.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:37 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by impressive
That's a "bravado top," in my book. Ick. I cannot be topped by someone I don't respect.

A true top understands her bottom.
I didn't say they didn't understand their partners at all, but that -as a person- singular individual complete unto themselves, no matter what they were doing, their was that self-confident, superior attitude of "I'm in charge." Most of them don't seem to realize how easily it comes through, even in a situation that has nothing to do with the intimate setting.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:37 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by impressive

A true top understands her bottom.

Isn't that why at heart we are all really bottoms? I feel that even a top is trying their best to please their bottom, giving them the kind of treatment they know they will enjoy. To me it boils down to two people trying to please one another. The bottom does what the top says to please the top. The top, pleased, gives the bottom what they want as a sorta reward, pleasing them. If a top truly has no feelings at all for a bottom, then it's not enjoyable for either person. At least, I don't see how it could be. It degrades to the top using a bottom without consideration.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:40 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rikaaim
Isn't that why at heart we are all really bottoms? I feel that even a top is trying their best to please their bottom, giving them the kind of treatment they know they will enjoy. To me it boils down to two people trying to please one another. The bottom does what the top says to please the top. The top, pleased, gives the bottom what they want as a sorta reward, pleasing them. If a top truly has no feelings at all for a bottom, then it's not enjoyable for either person. At least, I don't see how it could be. It degrades to the top using a bottom without consideration.

Very insightful, rika.


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Old 04-03-2006, 11:41 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FallingToFly
I didn't say they didn't understand their partners at all, but that -as a person- singular individual complete unto themselves, no matter what they were doing, their was that self-confident, superior attitude of "I'm in charge." Most of them don't seem to realize how easily it comes through, even in a situation that has nothing to do with the intimate setting.



Open mouth, insert foot.

Okay, I'm becoming more & more convinced that I've never truly bottomed.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:43 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FallingToFly
I didn't say they didn't understand their partners at all, but that -as a person- singular individual complete unto themselves, no matter what they were doing, their was that self-confident, superior attitude of "I'm in charge." Most of them don't seem to realize how easily it comes through, even in a situation that has nothing to do with the intimate setting.
I think this is true, but in a good way. For example, I know a top who comes off as extremely confident and competent all the time, not arrogant and self-centered or superior at all, but very sure of herself. I wasn't put off by that attitude at all; in fact, I found it immenselly reassuring and more than a little bit of a turn on.
I have also met tops who were arrogant assholes like what you're describing.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:44 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by impressive
Very insightful, rika.


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Thank you Imp.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:44 AM   #23
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ditto
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:49 AM   #24
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In my experience, the answer is...depends on the top

Some tops have enough switch in them that they can enjoy being topped by someone they are really into. Some, with coaxing, are willing to let a bottom top them for an evening. You can call that diversion or variation or just curiosity. I'm a pure bottom, but occasional a top lover has given me the reigns for an evening. There are some, however, who simply will not be topped. For any reason.

I think it's like a huge number of questions on sex and sexuality, it's really dependant on the people you are applying it to in specific, more than any generality you can come up with.
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Old 04-03-2006, 11:50 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Colleen Thomas
In my experience, the answer is...depends on the top

Some tops have enough switch in them that they can enjoy being topped by someone they are really into. Some, with coaxing, are willing to let a bottom top them for an evening. You can call that diversion or variation or just curiosity. I'm a pure bottom, but occasional a top lover has given me the reigns for an evening. There are some, however, who simply will not be topped. For any reason.

I think it's like a huge number of questions on sex and sexuality, it's really dependant on the people you are applying it to in specific, more than any generality you can come up with.
I think you're right.
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