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Losing my Submission.

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Ms_Lilith

Retired
Joined
Mar 12, 2002
Posts
44,387
When I began my journey into BDSM a few years ago, I did so as exclusively submissive. Then I fell in love with a woman or two who brought out a Domme side in me that I hadn't known was there... but that felt right, to entertain. I've lived in a D/s relationship with my spouse for many years.. he is my Dom, and I am his sub, and it's worked really rather well like that.

And then we moved. Six months ago, we moved into a place 'of our own', which we share with a roommate, my best friend. Things are changing. For one thing, our sex life is picking up.. he's always had a notoriously low sex drive, and mine was always quite high. We're beginning to find an equilibrium. But that's not all that's changing.

Our D/s relationship has changed.. less and less often, am I taking the submissive role in the bedroom. I don't take a dominant role with him... but it's not a power exchange anymore. It's equal. Now and then I'll dress up in my sub garb, and we'll play... but it's an anomoly, not the norm, like it was. He is not becoming submissive. He is just as strong as he always was. It's me. I'm changing. I still anticipate his needs, I still serve him, but not as his sub. Merely as his partner.... and I am growing. More people react to me as a Dominant person. More people see in me an alpha personality. It's really rather strange...

I feel somewhat like I'm losing my submission... but I don't mourn its going. I'm feeling wickedly celebratory of my budding Dominance.


So strange.
 
You are in no way, shape or form an alpha.

Perhaps you're confusing the fact that you're a rotten bitch with the alpha personality. A common mistake, but unfortunate nonetheless, because alphas are actually nice people.
 
Stuponfucious said:
You are in no way, shape or form an alpha.

Perhaps you're confusing the fact that you're a rotten bitch with the alpha personality. A common mistake, but unfortunate nonetheless, because alphas are actually nice people.
Click to expand...


Welcome back, oh bitterly-rejected-one.
 
I think that's just a normal process. The less you declare who you are and the more you express who you are, the better your sex life will be.
 
Recidiva said:
I think that's just a normal process. The less you declare who you are and the more you express who you are, the better your sex life will be.
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Well put, thank you.
 
Ms_Lilith said:
When I began my journey into BDSM a few years ago, I did so as exclusively submissive. Then I fell in love with a woman or two who brought out a Domme side in me that I hadn't known was there... but that felt right, to entertain. I've lived in a D/s relationship with my spouse for many years.. he is my Dom, and I am his sub, and it's worked really rather well like that.

And then we moved. Six months ago, we moved into a place 'of our own', which we share with a roommate, my best friend. Things are changing. For one thing, our sex life is picking up.. he's always had a notoriously low sex drive, and mine was always quite high. We're beginning to find an equilibrium. But that's not all that's changing.

Our D/s relationship has changed.. less and less often, am I taking the submissive role in the bedroom. I don't take a dominant role with him... but it's not a power exchange anymore. It's equal. Now and then I'll dress up in my sub garb, and we'll play... but it's an anomoly, not the norm, like it was. He is not becoming submissive. He is just as strong as he always was. It's me. I'm changing. I still anticipate his needs, I still serve him, but not as his sub. Merely as his partner.... and I am growing. More people react to me as a Dominant person. More people see in me an alpha personality. It's really rather strange...

I feel somewhat like I'm losing my submission... but I don't mourn its going. I'm feeling wickedly celebratory of my budding Dominance.


So strange.
Click to expand...


This is very interesting and very cool. Good for you!

Fury :rose:
 
Ms_Lilith said:
*smile*

Danke... it is cool.. it's just something I didn't expect.
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You are welcome. I often find the things I didn't expect to be the best, but then again sometimes I don't like the unexpected.

Fury :rose:
 
I have been trying

to get my own feelings into comprehensible form...as my own journey from submission to dominance went a bit differently. And even now, after years of thinking of my self as dominant, I find myself still journeying...as I remember feelings and textures of submission brought about by a certain Lovely Lady. Not that my dominance has lessened, nor has my need for control but I find that with her, I do not need to maintain such rigidity. It is a blessing to me that my sexuality can encompass such opposing views.

So I will add my thoughts a bit later on concerning the journey from bottom to top
(from my perspective) but to the Lady of this thread...I never saw you as submissive. (You knew this already) I am just pleased and gladdened that your reality is beginning to match what I always envisioned for you.
 
Luna_Wolf72 said:
to get my own feelings into comprehensible form...as my own journey from submission to dominance went a bit differently. And even now, after years of thinking of my self as dominant, I find myself still journeying...as I remember feelings and textures of submission brought about by a certain Lovely Lady. Not that my dominance has lessened, nor has my need for control but I find that with her, I do not need to maintain such rigidity. It is a blessing to me that my sexuality can encompass such opposing views.

So I will add my thoughts a bit later on concerning the journey from bottom to top
(from my perspective) but to the Lady of this thread...I never saw you as submissive. (You knew this already) I am just pleased and gladdened that your reality is beginning to match what I always envisioned for you.
Click to expand...


*kiss* You were right, love.
 
Do all submissives eventually turn Dom? I have had countless 'Doms' (and I use that term loosely here) tell me I really need to switch, or I'd make a great Domme. But I sure don't feel Dom?
 
crazybbwgirl said:
Do all submissives eventually turn Dom? I have had countless 'Doms' (and I use that term loosely here) tell me I really need to switch, or I'd make a great Domme. But I sure don't feel Dom?
Click to expand...

Yeah, but how would you treat someone who tried to dominate you that wasn't qualified?

That's kinda how it works, just moving up the ranks of what you can do with what's available.
 
Recidiva said:
Yeah, but how would you treat someone who tried to dominate you that wasn't qualified?

That's kinda how it works, just moving up the ranks of what you can do with what's available.
Click to expand...


I never saw in myself any Domme qualities. Never. Until I met those special ladies I mentioned. I don't know that I necessarily acted Domme, but that they put themselves in a submissive role to me. I confess I floundered.

But I've been growing in it.. coming into my own.

As to bbw's question: No, not all subs turn Dom/me. A good many subs remain sub, permanently. A good many Dom/mes will never go submissive. But those who do cross over, one way or the other, understand the way things work from one side, and can be empathic partners.
 
Recidiva said:
Yeah, but how would you treat someone who tried to dominate you that wasn't qualified?

That's kinda how it works, just moving up the ranks of what you can do with what's available.
Click to expand...

So the pressure's off then? whew... ;)
 
Ms_Lilith said:
I never saw in myself any Domme qualities. Never. Until I met those special ladies I mentioned. I don't know that I necessarily acted Domme, but that they put themselves in a submissive role to me. I confess I floundered.

But I've been growing in it.. coming into my own.

As to bbw's question: No, not all subs turn Dom/me. A good many subs remain sub, permanently. A good many Dom/mes will never go submissive. But those who do cross over, one way or the other, understand the way things work from one side, and can be empathic partners.
Click to expand...


I find it very interesting that many make the step. I can see how the progression would work. A good sub would definately understand exactly where a sub's head is at. It seems like you always hear about subs making the step to Dom - but I can't recall ever hearing of a Dom who made the step to sub? Wonder why?
 
crazybbwgirl said:
I find it very interesting that many make the step. I can see how the progression would work. A good sub would definately understand exactly where a sub's head is at. It seems like you always hear about subs making the step to Dom - but I can't recall ever hearing of a Dom who made the step to sub? Wonder why?
Click to expand...

Lots of doms won't publicly make the move, but that's what a sub is for, not having to do it publicly.

People who are concerned about public image usually need it the most.
 
Recidiva said:
Lots of doms won't publicly make the move, but that's what a sub is for, not having to do it publicly.

People who are concerned about public image usually need it the most.
Click to expand...

Really!? I have so much to learn yet....

As to your second statement - I think that is very true - even for just being a submissive or a Dom in the first place.
 
crazybbwgirl said:
Really!? I have so much to learn yet....

As to your second statement - I think that is very true - even for just being a submissive or a Dom in the first place.
Click to expand...

I hold a pretty empiric opinion that the need to dominate almost always comes from some sort of fear.

Eventually fear subsides or is at least staved off by having someone else keep you company in that place.

Ultimately I've met so many men or women who are commanding, domineering and their main epiphanies revolve around how afraid they are of not being able to internally (not externally) control their fear of something. Whether it's the power sex has over them, or the power one concept has over them, it seems to follow a pattern. With enough intimacy, enough trust grows to breech these painful subjects.

You can get to a place where that fear becomes okay to have. But admitting it first, that's a biggie. There's always a fear behind that fear, also. So there's no shortage of epiphanies or the need to have someone share that space with them.
 
Strange that you would say that, Reci, because I was submissive because of fear. While I had that fear gnawing at me, it was a good thing to be able to experience the fear, but in a loving, respectful, limited context... I am no longer afraid.. I no longer feel the need to submit.

The Dominance isn't something put on.. it's not even something I feel entirely comfortable with, yet.. it's more something that individual people inspire in me. My Little One, for example: from day one, we had this dynamic of me as Dominant to her, and her as submissive to me. It just... worked... like that.. and at that time, I was a full-blown submissive. I don't look to dominate. I just simply DO, with some people.
 
Ms_Lilith said:
Strange that you would say that, Reci, because I was submissive because of fear. While I had that fear gnawing at me, it was a good thing to be able to experience the fear, but in a loving, respectful, limited context... I am no longer afraid.. I no longer feel the need to submit.

The Dominance isn't something put on.. it's not even something I feel entirely comfortable with, yet.. it's more something that individual people inspire in me. My Little One, for example: from day one, we had this dynamic of me as Dominant to her, and her as submissive to me. It just... worked... like that.. and at that time, I was a full-blown submissive. I don't look to dominate. I just simply DO, with some people.
Click to expand...

I think submission and dominance come from the same impulse, and I would categorize them both as stemming from fear, at least in part, and consistently enough that I came to this conclusion from experience, and not something I read somewhere.

But if you're dedicated to a person and fear comes up, handling it from the right viewpoint is necessary. I think this is why a lot of subs rise up through the ranks...not afraid any more. And doms just know when they need a vacation. Experiencing and eliciting, someone needs to know what they're doing.

I think the healthiest viewpoint is exactly as you said, to just do the thing required, regardless of label or role.
 
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