Coming Out

How did you do it? How did people react?

I've known I was bi since I was a teen, but having been married (and monogamous) for nearly a decade, I haven't exactly acted on that bisexuality. It's just occured to me that I'm going to need to sit down with my ex and talk about the realities of it. He knows I like women, but I think he always assumed it was a sexual, strictly threesome thing. It will also be odd with my kids because they've never actually been around any gay couples (how sad is that!?). Curious to hear y'all's thoughts.

sophia jane said:

How did you do it? How did people react?

I've known I was bi since I was a teen, but having been married (and monogamous) for nearly a decade, I haven't exactly acted on that bisexuality. It's just occured to me that I'm going to need to sit down with my ex and talk about the realities of it. He knows I like women, but I think he always assumed it was a sexual, strictly threesome thing. It will also be odd with my kids because they've never actually been around any gay couples (how sad is that!?). Curious to hear y'all's thoughts.

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Having never 'came out' or had anything to 'come out' about, sorry I cannot help there but....

I can wish you the best of luck with the ex. Based on your posts, I can imagine the trepidation involved with that discussion. Doing what is necessary for your happiness is what is important, be it with males, females or both or whatever.

As to the kids, I would think short a vague, short explanation would work.
Kids as remarkably accepting and sensitive. Seeing Mom happy, in love and joyous would go a long way in them accepting how Mom got there.

JMHO

Hugo

My kids haven't really been exposed to it too much...but that is going to change...I mean, it's just chance that they have not had to think about it. Certainly they know people who are bi or gay, they just don't have to know anything about those adults yet...

hugo_sam said:

Having never 'came out' or had anything to 'come out' about, sorry I cannot help there but....

I can wish you the best of luck with the ex. Based on your posts, I can imagine the trepidation involved with that discussion. Doing what is necessary for your happiness is what is important, be it with males, females or both or whatever.

As to the kids, I would think short a vague, short explanation would work.
Kids as remarkably accepting and sensitive. Seeing Mom happy, in love and joyous would go a long way in them accepting how Mom got there.

JMHO

Hugo

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I think you're right about the kids. I suspect it will be fine. And I know they'll be get to see some other gay/lesbian couples together before they see me with another woman, so I'm sure that will help.
I suppose I'm most worried about the ex. He's so closeminded about homosexuality, so worried that his sons will be gay (like it's a disease, is how he sees it), that I suspect the idea of me being in a relationship with a woman will set him on edge, like I'm going to "make" them gay or some such bullshit.

Belegon said:

My kids haven't really been exposed to it too much...but that is going to change...I mean, it's just chance that they have not had to think about it. Certainly they know people who are bi or gay, they just don't have to know anything about those adults yet...

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Right. I get that. I know this summer they'll meet some lesbian couples, and I'm wondering if we talk about it before or wait till questions come up. Like, if I just go with the flow, will they just accept it as "normal"?

sophia jane said:

Right. I get that. I know this summer they'll meet some lesbian couples, and I'm wondering if we talk about it before or wait till questions come up. Like, if I just go with the flow, will they just accept it as "normal"?

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That's the tact I'm going to take...my daughter has a real liking for someone who is bi that my wife distinctly dislikes , and I think that may be the first wrinkle I need to smooth...since my daughter thinks she is just a fun adult and there is always extra friction. I worry that the orientation might be used as a negative about that person in conversation. My wife's dislike for that person is not based on her orientation, but it is strong enough that I can see her using any available "ammunition". And my wife has different religious beliefs then I do. I hope I am wrong about that, but I am preparing for it anyway.

As far as meeting a couple, I'm just going to act like it's just a regular thing.

bump.

"Coming out" was never a discrete event for me. As I get to know people (and they, me), if it's relevant, they'll eventually learn my orientation. Most of the time, it's simply irrelevant.

As for my kids, I've already treated it as if it's no big deal -- totally natural. The few times I've heard them repeat slurs they've picked up at school, I've calmly informed them that those words come from the mean-spirited and narrow-minded. So far, so good.

sophia jane said:

bump.

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Subtle, ain't ya?

How did I do it? - With my husband, the one that really counted, we left my brother's birthday party because we were both so miserable and near tears. Nothing had been spoken, there was just this "thing" between us overshadowing everything else and only I knew what it was. He just knew something was terribly wrong and it had been building for a very long time. We went home and sat on the bed and cried and I finally blurted, "I think I'm gay." (I couldn't bring myself even then to just simply say, "I'm gay.") He nodded, we cried, he asked a couple of times if I was sure and if we had to get divorced and I said yes. It was a shitty, shitty night, but it could have been so much worse.

How did it feel? - Terrifying and liberating. About how I expect it would feel to cliff dive.

How did people react? - Varying, but better than I thought they would. All the people that matter accept me and, better yet, accept Mats with open arms. I couldn't ask for more.

I've still only had to say the words to a very few people. For once I was grateful for gossip since that meant most people knew without my having to tell them. It's been over a year and my heart still pounds when I have to tell somebody new. I kept it inside for so long it's still terrifying to say it out loud to someone who doesn't yet know. I'm hoping it'll get easier eventually.

Coming out is rarely an easy process. It's also just that, a process. Sure, on television folks blurt out at the Thanksgiving table that they're gay or whatever, but it wasn't like that for me or anyone else I know. I have a very strong relationship with my immediate family as well as my extended family. We're all of a fairly liberal bent, but that doesn't necessarily include homosexuality as a readily acceptable lifestyle when you're as far south as we are. Add to that the fact that I'm the first and only member of the family in all its history to do anything even remotely outside societal norms, such as be gay.

To describe it in very short and simple terms, it was a painstaking process, wherein I spoke to each individual family member about my sexuality. As hard as they may believe it is on them, it's exponentially harder on the teller. Each person had a different set of questions and concerns and confusions that needed to be dealt with. I felt enough respect for each of them to give them the opportunity to question all of it. Some were slow in returning to the relationship we've shared over my 28 years, while others found acceptance more immediate. The underlying theme, no matter the barrage of questions or amount of tears and uncertainties, was that they couldn't find it in themselves not to love me. We acknowledged that some things may be forever changed but the love and sense of family would remain in tact.

I learned quite a bit about true friends. I learned the true power of religion. Granted, none of the spirit touched me, but several friends felt they had to choose between my friendship and their relationship with God. For several, I was left holding the short straw. I might've felt a little sad at that, had it not been for another couple of friends that felt the need to question their religious beliefs and ideas ingrained in them since childhood. For those people, the person they knew me to be did not mesh with all they'd ever heard about fags and queers. So they ventured into a journey of self and spirit, eventually turning up at my door to say, "I love you. Thank you."

More than anything, coming out has released me from any and all bonds that once held me to a life and persona that was not mine. Liberated from all the expectations placed upon me by others, I have explored all the shadowy nooks and crannies of myself and learned the truth of who I am. My strengths, my weaknesses, my triumphs and my tragedies are no longer a mystery. I feel comfortable in my skin and carry myself with more confidence than ever before. As difficult as the process was, I now stand stronger than ever before, on the other side. The risk was large, but the reward of finally knowing and becoming myself was well worth it.

~lucky

Beautifully stated, Lucky

Min and Lucky, in case I haven't said it enough lately, I really love you both.

sophia jane said:

I suppose I'm most worried about the ex. He's so closeminded about homosexuality, so worried that his sons will be gay (like it's a disease, is how he sees it), that I suspect the idea of me being in a relationship with a woman will set him on edge, like I'm going to "make" them gay or some such bullshit.

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Is your ex related to my ex?

You've had a lot of helpful suggestions and testimonials here. Thanks to everyone for sharing their own stories.

Good luck SJ. You have a lot of friends who love and support you and we'll always be here.

sophia jane said:

How did you do it? How did people react?

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I came out to my mother in the 10th grade (had my first long term g/f at that time as well) I think because her reaction was so accepting, I never really thought much about whether or not others could easily accept me as well.

I have raised my children in a loving open atmospere. They have seen mommy with lady friends as well as *daddy*. They ask questions, I answer them honestly and with respect for each child's age.

So far, I haven't ever really had to deal with very much negativity (except for the children's father who believes that queers only raise queers and so it's destiny that all of my babies will be lesbians and cockmunchers...) I wish I could be more helpful but my experiences really haven't left me able to formulate a proper response for you.

All I can say is children are smarter than we as adults give them credit for. They are also far less likely to point out that things are *wrong*. Just answer the questions when they get asked and trust that you have been a good enough parent to make it easier for them to deal with your sexuality.

I started an initial conversation with my ex. His reaction was...not terrible. But he wants to think about it. He said he's confused, and he doesn't want that for the kids (the confusion), etc. And then he said something that struck me as funny. He doesn't want to be the guy who has to live with "turning me gay." Is that a common thing for former partners, that kind of ego? Anyway, I reminded him that he's known I was bi since he met me ten years ago, so he didn't turn me to anything.
We'll see how it goes from here, I suppose. It seems sort of ridiculous to me that I have to ease him into the idea of me being in a relationship with a woman when there's not even a possibility of it happening yet.

I take the stance that my bisexuality is my business and I choose who I tell. At the same time, if people wish to gossip about me, that’s fine as well (reference Oscar Wilde quote about not being talked about).

I am married but I have a unique relationship. Again, that’s my business.

To my children, I’m Mum and always will be.

sophia jane said:

I started an initial conversation with my ex. His reaction was...not terrible. But he wants to think about it. He said he's confused, and he doesn't want that for the kids (the confusion), etc. And then he said something that struck me as funny. He doesn't want to be the guy who has to live with "turning me gay." Is that a common thing for former partners, that kind of ego? Anyway, I reminded him that he's known I was bi since he met me ten years ago, so he didn't turn me to anything.
We'll see how it goes from here, I suppose. It seems sort of ridiculous to me that I have to ease him into the idea of me being in a relationship with a woman when there's not even a possibility of it happening yet.

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Why do you have to ease him into anything? He's your ex. What you do now is basically your business. Sure, I'd be up front and honest with him, but I wouldn't hold his hand through the exploration process. He's a big boy. Also, it shouldn't affect his life directly the way it will yours, so I don't see why he needs so much help.

As for the kids, I tend to keep acceptance and tolerance at the top of the list for mine. It encompasses things like race, religion, age, social status, and of course sexuality. I don't feel the need to bring up the talks because kids, being the naturally curious creatures they are, will eventually bring it up for me. When they begin talking about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, we just broaden the explanation to include every type we know of. I think their acceptance has much more to do with how calm and sure of yourself you are when you're speaking about it and much less to do with the exact words you use to describe it to them.

But that's just me.

Oh, and tell your ex to get over himself. I love the arrogance that suggests he has the power to turn you onto women or off of men forever. It really is laughable. Mine was down with me being gay. He just shrugged and said, "I don't have the proper equipment." And when you get down to the nitty gritty, the fact that he was male and I needed a female partner was really all there was to it. He's a terrific guy, an excellent father, and still one of my best friends. We just weren't meant for one another as lovers. He had nothing to do with my being gay.

lucky-E-leven said:

Why do you have to ease him into anything? He's your ex. What you do now is basically your business. Sure, I'd be up front and honest with him, but I wouldn't hold his hand through the exploration process. He's a big boy. Also, it shouldn't affect his life directly the way it will yours, so I don't see why he needs so much help.

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You're right about this, and I have no intention of holding his hand. The fact is, he's always known I was bi. But I think my intentions are to ease him into the idea of me, maybe someday, being involved with a women, so that when it happens he doesn't make my life hell. I know all too well that he can be a total ass in supporting me and the kids. Even worse, when it comes time to file papers, he could be a total ass and try to take the kids from me. It seems advantageous to me, at this point, to make sure he realizes what the big picture is and get him used to the idea, so I'm not faced with a nightmare later.

sophia jane said:

You're right about this, and I have no intention of holding his hand. The fact is, he's always known I was bi. But I think my intentions are to ease him into the idea of me, maybe someday, being involved with a women, so that when it happens he doesn't make my life hell. I know all too well that he can be a total ass in supporting me and the kids. Even worse, when it comes time to file papers, he could be a total ass and try to take the kids from me. It seems advantageous to me, at this point, to make sure he realizes what the big picture is and get him used to the idea, so I'm not faced with a nightmare later.

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This was a consideration for me as well, which is why I waited to discuss the details of my sexuality with him until the divorce was final. Unless it's too late, I'd just lay low with it until that's done.

lucky-E-leven said:

This was a consideration for me as well, which is why I waited to discuss the details of my sexuality with him until the divorce was final. Unless it's too late, I'd just lay low with it until that's done.

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That didn't occur to me. I always end up giving everyone waaaay too much information. The other thing is that the divorce isn't even in the works yet, and I have no clue when it will be. One of these days, perhaps, I'll learn to just keep things to myself.

I've seen other people have this reaction, this concern that they are so awful they "turned someone gay", or the ego thing with public perception. Lucky, I think your ex handled it the way I would like to think I would...but I don't believe that to be all that common, especially in the Bible Belt. After all, most people are all about themselves...

But it is not even that...SJ is still into men...she is just an equal opportunity lover...

hmmmm...maybe it would be easier for him if she was all lesbian...not his fault then, ya know?

I am having these "custody" thoughts more about my writing, since the wife knows all about it...it shows my obliviousness that I wouldn't even think about Sophie's bisexuality getting in the way til it was brought up...

Belegon said:

But it is not even that...SJ is still into men...she is just an equal opportunity lover...

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I think that's just it, for him. For over a decade, I've leaned heavily toward men, partly because of marriage and partly out of lack of opportunity. I'm only just now giving equal opportunity.

sophia jane said:

I think that's just it, for him. For over a decade, I've leaned heavily toward men, partly because of marriage and partly out of lack of opportunity. I'm only just now giving equal opportunity.

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*cough* not that you were thinking of abandoning men from what I heard, but.....I definitely hope you will not lean too far away...just from my own selfish point of view

I'm already hopelessly in lust with enough lesbians, thanks...some hope would be nice...

Belegon said:

*cough* not that you were thinking of abandoning men from what I heard, but.....I definitely hope you will not lean too far away...just from my own selfish point of view

I'm already hopelessly in lust with enough lesbians, thanks...some hope would be nice...

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That made me laugh. I think I'm soundly in the middle, but then you know how persausive those lezbeans can me. First Indigo Girls and the L word, next who knows?
(plus, I haven't been to bed with a lesbian yet )

sophia jane said:

That made me laugh. I think I'm soundly in the middle, but then you know how persausive those lezbeans can me. First Indigo Girls and the L word, next who knows?
(plus, I haven't been to bed with a lesbian yet )

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ahh, the politician in me emerges....all I ask is the right for equal time to present an editorial reply *grin*