Old 10-24-2014, 10:18 AM   #1
Myikael
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Hot or not Hot?

Several paragraphs (about 350 words) from chapter two. Lack of perspective is a problem for critiquing just a small part of a story, but any constructive criticism on the event and how it's written will be appreciated:

Tobias had to stretch up on his toes until Jenny bent her head to meet his. It was supposed to be a quick friendly peck but the instant it started it took off. He lost himself in the soft warmth of her lips and the flavor of her mouth. The heat from her hands on his back penetrated his thin shirt and he tried to fold his body into hers. An instant later he remembered where he was and pushed away. A sliver of saliva drooped between their lips and snapped when he spoke.

Shit, Im sorry, Jenny, he said. I didnt mean to do that. Here it comes, he thought and almost cringed.

Im not. Jenny kept her arms around him. Ive been waiting since you showered for that. She brushed her lips past his. I was beginning to think you might not like women. Her tongue slid against his lips leaving them moist and shining. But what I feel in your crotch proves me wrong on that count, she whispered and kissed Tobias again. Doesnt it?

The last time Tobias had been this excited it had been naked fear in a firefight in Afghanistan. Hed gotten erect after that one, and a few others where he was certain it was his time. But hed survived all those encounters and was suddenly back on the battlefield just after the action. He was hard and needed release.

Despite her size advantage Tobias walked Jenny backwards until he had her trapped against the wall. His left hand pulled her pelvis tight against his and his right hand wormed between their bodies to her breasts his thumb found a nipple and scraped against it through the cotton of her t shirt.

Jennys tongue slithered into his mouth and explored. He almost gagged when it touched the back of his throat and used his own tongue to push back. Jenny groaned when he pushed the hard bulge in his crotch against her thighs and her leg came up between his legs so her knee and thigh could rub his erection.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:05 PM   #2
sr71plt
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I found her bald statement about his crotch jarring to the rather arty and sensation-rich atmosphere established up until then. It just sort of flipped over into yet another stroker at that point. So, suddenly not hot for me at that point. Guess it would have held better for me if you'd shown what she meant at that point through sensations rather than bald statement.
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Old 10-25-2014, 09:47 AM   #3
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Thanks for the comment. Gives me something to think about, and I appreciate it.
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Old 10-27-2014, 03:13 AM   #4
robertreams
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You need an editor. One example: "I have been waiting since you showered for that." It means he showered for the kiss!

Another: He'd (HAD gotten) erect after that one, and a few others. . .(sounds like a few others got hard) then you switch tense to 'was'. I find the idea of a fear and danger hard on very exciting. I think the story is going good, but get it edited, or try to read it as if it were someone else's writing. then tighten it up;
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:47 AM   #5
Myikael
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Thanks for reading and for your comments. I have questions concerning them and hope you don't mind clarifying and/or providing further guidance.

"You need an editor." Perhaps you meant to say, "That scene needs to be edited."? To which type of editing do you refer? Isn't that one of the reasons for posting to this topic - to receive editorial comments? If my work didn't need editing I probably wouldn't be writing.

I don't understand the comment concerning the female's statement, "I've been waiting since you showered for that." The male showered for any of a number of reasons, one of which could have been to receive a kiss from the female, but how does her statement imply his reason? Is it a bad reason to shower?

Do you have a source that prohibits use of contractions; at least in fiction?

I'm not certain where I changed tense. Had and was are both past participles, and, I believe, used correctly in this instance. (www.merriam-webster.com), so will you be more specific and, perhaps, provide a source that describes my error?

Fear and excitement are emotions/feelings that can be caused by danger, which is a situation not an emotion. I don't know the psychology behind it, but I do know from first hand experience that men get excited when they go into combat and that fear plays a big part of that excitement. The body's chemical and hormonal reactions to dangerous situations are nearly identical to the reactions to other highly stimulating situations. Again, I've used Merriam-Webster.com for definitions and I believe the usage was correct. Do you have a source/definition I'm not aware of?

Again, thanks for your time and comments. I appreciate them and I am not trying to argue. In this scene I think I've used proper grammar and haven't used words, phrases or ideas out of context, so I'd like to know where I went wrong. Learning how to write is, for me, as fulfilling as writing.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:03 PM   #6
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I'm not Robert, but I think I get what he's saying here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myikael View Post
I don't understand the comment concerning the female's statement, "I've been waiting since you showered for that." The male showered for any of a number of reasons, one of which could have been to receive a kiss from the female, but how does her statement imply his reason? Is it a bad reason to shower?
The issue is that "that" is ambiguous. I think what you're trying to convey is "I've been waiting for that kiss since you showered". But it comes across as "You showered for that kiss, and I've been waiting around since then".

Quote:
I'm not certain where I changed tense. Had and was are both past participles, and, I believe, used correctly in this instance. (www.merriam-webster.com), so will you be more specific and, perhaps, provide a source that describes my error?
"Had" used as a verb on its own is a part participle: "he had a dog", "he had a party". But coupled with another verb - as in "had gotten" - it creates pluperfect tense, which is different to the straight perfect tense.

It's the difference between "Jane was cooking dinner" and "Jane had been cooking dinner". Or indeed "I had a dog" vs "I had had a dog". The perfect tense indicates that it was happening at the time of the narrative, pluperfect indicates that it happened at some time previously.

So, yes, "He'd gotten erect" is a different tense to "He was hard", but in this context the change in tense is correct. Pluperfect for his earlier experience in Afghanistan, perfect for what's going on with Jenny.
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Old 10-29-2014, 11:49 AM   #7
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Subject-verb confusion and other stuff

I felt that the part about her tongue going so far back in his throat that he almost gagged was at least as jarring as the crotch comment that sr71plt mentioned. Is she from another planet? And even if her tongue is just unnaturally long, there's just nothing sexy (in my opinion) about someone's tongue triggering a gag reflex.

Also, you need to add a "he" before "used" in the following sentence:

[He almost gagged when it touched the back of his throat and used his own tongue to push back.]

Otherwise, it sounds like "it" used his own tongue to push back. Reader has to pause for a second to link "he" rather than "it" to "used."

A final note -- Bottom line up front -- Sexual excitement and the excitement of battle are two completely different animals. A shit-storm of a firefight will often trigger an adrenaline rush, but the aftermath is usually fatigue and sometimes nausea. Then you have to slog yourself and all your gear back too the FOB. A couple hours later, your ears kind of stop ringing. A few years later, you realize your ears will never stop ringing.

We are speaking figuratively when we say a guy has a hard-on for battle. Even in the relatively mellow atmosphere of boot camp, the stress will cause guys to go weeks without an erection. This invariably leads to rumors that the food is laced with something to keep your dick limp. It's not.

The adrenaline rush CAN feel good. In the best cases, it warps time and gives people a sense of clarity. They see what's going on and react with remarkable speed, though they feel like everything is happening in slow motion. A person could get sexually excited while thinking back on the experience.
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Old 11-11-2014, 04:09 AM   #8
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Cool

1. the problem was the sentence says ". . . he showered for that. The problem is not the contraction, but the misplaced definite pronoun 'that'.

The tense change was from past perfect 'had gotten' to 'was'. All the events took place in the same time frame, so they should all be the same tense. ". . .He'd gotten hard . . . he had been certain his time had come. (not was).

As for the erection from fear, I was not criticizing, but admiring your use of it in fiction, a use I had not previously encountered. The one time in my life I was fired upon I was first hard as a rock and later pissed myself. It was accidental fire from a jet fighter, an F104.

As for the suggestion of an editor. A few comments from people in a posting do not qualify as editing.

Good luck. There were a few turn offs in the sexy parts, like the tongue down the throat, but all in all, a 3 on my peter meter, maybe 4 so not bad. Keep writing.
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Last edited by robertreams : 11-11-2014 at 04:14 AM.
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Old 11-16-2014, 07:27 PM   #9
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Hi! New writer here so take my critique for what it's worth

This is pretty good! I'm a chick, and generally I prefer to read works written from a female POV but I'm intrigued by this. A couple things didn't quite "work" for me: the description of saliva is kind of a turnoff. I would definitely lose the gagging bit, as others have mentioned. Also, the words "slithered" and "wormed" kinda stop me in my tracks, they're not very sexy to me. Good pacing/progression of events (from what I can tell from this sample)!

Good luck & happy writing!
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Old 11-18-2014, 01:01 AM   #10
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The mix of hard and soft sexual terms was disconcerting.

There are times for either, but beware of mixing the two. Not that I get it right either.

Your small slice of a story reads like a casual encounter becoming romantic. I would have stuck with the softer language you started with.
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