Can't physically have sex?

First, I think I should start with a disclaimer. I've read through the blank manual, and I didn't feel any of the threads really addressed the problem we've been having. If someone feels othewise, my apologies.


That being said...


My girlfriend and I have tried, and failed pretty badly, to have actual intercourse.

It's been so painful for her, it's brought her to tears; thanks to both physical and emotional pain.

Now, we both knew the whole 'first time' thing was going to happen, it wasn't going to go smoothly, would be uncomfortable, painful, etc. But we didn't go through the 'Ow ow it hurts...ok it hurts less...ok it doesn't hurt...ok now it feels good, lets go' phase. No, we've had the 'Ow that hurts too much don't do it stop stop stop' phase...

And it's bizarre, at least to me...because it varied a little each time we've tried.

For example, on one night...I couldn't get even past the first knuckle of my finger before it hurt her too much. Another night, one finger was ok, but two was too much. And one particular night, I got two fingers in, and freaking moved them around inside of her quite deeply without it hurting her. But not once was I able to actually get my penis inside of her.

Well, the next to last night she was here...or last night, I'm not sure which it was...I think I got a little bit in her. But she was in so much pain, she had tears dripping onto my stomach (obviously we tried girl on top this time) and her face was so red and pained. I tried as hard as I could to go further, but I actually could not penetrate her further. Based on her pain reaction, I'm sure I was in a little, but it didn't feel good, in fact it was...not painful for me, but uncomfortable. For any guys who might read, it was akin to pushing one's boner against their pants. Yeah...

When I went to see her (she lives in the UK, I in the states for those who've not read my threads on time zones and the Pill), and we couldn't accomplish it...we first thought she might see a doctor. Then she felt that they wouldn't tell her anything other than 'You just have to get past the painful first stage', so she didn't. After our attempts here, however...we're both beginning to wonder if visiting a physician isn't such a bad idea.

We've tried several positions, from missionary, to from behind, to her on top. Admittedly, lube was not used, but she was plenty wet enough, and based on the finger results, I'm not so sure it wouldn't made a difference (in spite of whoever said you can do anything with the right amount of lube )

She gets very upset when this happens...one because of the actual pain, but because we just can't seem to do it. It frustrates her so much, and yeah...

What should we do? We had thought it was simply something we had to get past, but after our last attempt, I really don't know about that...

Is it time to see a doctor?

(Thanks to anyone who read all of this!)

It's possible that her hymen might be a little thicker (I think that's the word I want) than average, and if that's the case, then medical intervention might be in order.

It's also possible that she's tensing up because she's expecting pain. When I was still with my ex, I started having pain during sex-- even with lube--that I didn't have (other than when I lost my virginity to him). I found that if I expected the sex to hurt, then I wasn't disappointed.

Just a couple of thoughts. I don't know if they're relevant.

Simple answer...yes!

How old is she?

She may not be emotionally ready yet?

Eilan said:

It's possible that her hymen might be a little thicker (I think that's the word I want) than average, and if that's the case, then medical intervention might be in order.

It's also possible that she's tensing up because she's expecting pain. When I was still with my ex, I started having pain during sex-- even with lube--that I didn't have (other than when I lost my virginity to him). I found that if I expected the sex to hurt, then I wasn't disappointed.

Just a couple of thoughts. I don't know if they're relevant.

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The relevence of your comments about expecting it to hurt is unquestioned.....of course its going to hurt if you expect it to...the mind is a powerful tool and the pain is very real.

A sympathetic doctor should be able to put his/her patient's mind at rest if there is no other physical reason for your problems. Believe me when I say that an involuntary muscle spasm preventing pentration will hurt like the blazes if you force the issue.

But we didn't go through the 'Ow ow it hurts...ok it hurts less...ok it doesn't hurt...ok now it feels good, lets go' phase.

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This is mostly a fantasy, not a phase. A girl isn't likely to go from ow to wow during her first time. Or even her second and third. It takes time for it to feel good.

However, the pain is usually once there's penetration...it shouldn't be before you've even gotten inside. So, I think a trip to the doctor is called for.

The only other thing I can think of is lube. I know you said she was wet, but why not give lube a try? If you're trying to use a condom without lube, that will hurt even more.

Start off with some massage oil and massage her back, her legs, her ass. Then rub some lube on her clit, massage her vulva, slip your lubed fingers inside, stroke her clit again, and keep stroking until she comes. Or maybe take her hand and place it on her clit so she can rub while you slide your fingers around inside.

Then try penetration, well lubed, relaxed, and with the lights on so you can make sure you're not missing the mark and so you can see whether you really are getting partially inside or not.

It's called vaginismus. There are volumes written on it. Look it up.


*edit: here, I'll help you out, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus

I have this problem. But last month, I managed to get a vibrator in me without it hurting too much. I also wear tampons.

In the past, I've been so wet that I was literally dripping, and yet, the guy still couldn't get inside me because it hurt so much. No way was I relaxed. So, I'm guessing a lot of it is psychological. She has to be relaxed, both physically and emotionally. It's a must.

I found that when I was incredibly turned on, horny, wet, and relaxed, I was able to get a thick vibrator inside me, without any trouble, and very little discomfort. If I attempted penetration before I'm horny, wet and relaxed enough, I will experience more pain and resistance to penetration.

And I'm a virgin. Not tried this with a guy yet.

I did not know there was such a thing as the vaginismus described in the Wikipedia link. But when I think of it, it is totally understandable. I also think it will take time and a lot of TLC to make it go away. Try not to have intercourse for the time she needs to feel all relaxed. There is so much else you can do to be both satisfied in bed. Give it time, a lot of time.

tie the bitch up and fucking RAM HER!!

it will hurt but she will survive and then sex will be able to be done as normal..

bytor2112 said:

tie the bitch up and fucking RAM HER!!

it will hurt but she will survive and then sex will be able to be done as normal..

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Bytor, you're such a charmer.

RalTex said:

It's called vaginismus. There are volumes written on it. Look it up.


*edit: here, I'll help you out, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus

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She actually thinks this may be the/a possible problem...so yeah

As far as the whole relaxed thing goes, well...she thought she might not have been totally relaxed when I was in London. But here, she didn't mention that at all, so I'm not sure that was the issue.

I think I'm going to advise her to see someone. If it's just a thick hymen, nerves, vaginismus, or whatever, I'd like to know 100%. Something isn't going right, and we need to fix that. We won't see each other for several months, so there's plenty of time for her to go get checked out before we have any other chance of trying again.

The JoZ said:

She actually thinks this may be the/a possible problem...so yeah

As far as the whole relaxed thing goes, well...she thought she might not have been totally relaxed when I was in London. But here, she didn't mention that at all, so I'm not sure that was the issue.

I think I'm going to advise her to see someone. If it's just a thick hymen, nerves, vaginismus, or whatever, I'd like to know 100%. Something isn't going right, and we need to fix that. We won't see each other for several months, so there's plenty of time for her to go get checked out before we have any other chance of trying again.

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Good idea. I think you should both wish to know. Don't pressure her, however, but I think you know that. And even if the next time is a few months from now I suggest you let het initiate PIV sex ..... or not. Although I hope you have talked it through before that. Oh well... whatever... good luck, because it does not sound like a nice thing to go through... not for you, but certainly not for her!

Doctor, yes!

Absolutely, going to a doctor is in order. It was foolish of her to think that the doctor wouldn't be able to help her--this isn't the Victorian age when women's complaints were all dismissed as nonsense. There are plenty of female doctors out there who understand such problems and will be both sympathetic and helpful.

I had a friend with a similar problem. If your girl is willing, she might also try, over the next few months, dildos or other items (cucumbers?) of varying sizes, to stretch herself and/or try to get used to penetration. It might not work if this is psychological, but as she is a virgin, it will help get past that initial pain which is inevitable even if she had no such problem.

As said, the stories of sex being good for a girl the first time is, for the most part, erotic fiction. For girls it hurts the first few times. So practicing with gradually larger dildos (well lubed) will help make actual penile penetration hurt less.

But Doctor first and formost to learn exactly what the problem is and how best to treat it.

M's girl said:

Good idea. I think you should both wish to know. Don't pressure her, however, but I think you know that. And even if the next time is a few months from now I suggest you let het initiate PIV sex ..... or not. Although I hope you have talked it through before that. Oh well... whatever... good luck, because it does not sound like a nice thing to go through... not for you, but certainly not for her!

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Well, I haven't pressured her about anything, and never will. That's the beauty of it

Part of the reason she didn't go before, was a time issue. I saw her in November, and she came here end of December. While a month might seem like forever to do it, she does attend university, and has more things to do than simply see a doctor (that may sound wrong, but it's not like this is consistantly ailing her!). Now that we've got alot more time between seeing each other, and based on our last experience, it's become more imperative that she see a specialist so we can fix the problem.

As far as the feeling good phase or w/e...Ok, maybe I borrowed a bit from erotic fiction - Look at me, I post here, and used to read alot of the stories! But what I basically meant is that we never got to any phase where she was at all comfortable / less uncomfortable with it, regardless of whether anything 'felt good' or not. All I want is for my baby not to be in so much pain when we want to be intimate, and that's why I made the thread, and why when I speak to her, will reiterate the need for her to see a physician.

You have a great attitude. I wish you and your girl the best!

It sounds like vaginismus to me, too...I've been through it. And if that's the case, it's really hurting her like hell and flaming swords even if she's wet and wanting you desperately.

A doctor/gynecologist will be able to insert a well-lubricated finger and determine if it's a hymenal (hymeneal...whatever?) blockage problem, or if there's a muscle spasm reflex (vaginismus) that's causing her pain. Vaginismus and other chronic sexual pains are becoming more widely known as more women speak out, so no good gynecologist will tell her she's imagining things.

It is possible to control vaginismus and enjoy sex. My doctor recommended daily half-hour sessions with a well-lubricated dildo, relaxing with it inside me and eventually sliding it in and out and pressing it against the vaginal walls, so the clamped muscle would relax and hurty cramped-muscle chemicals would flow out. Though he didn't say anything about porn or erotica, I prescribed it for myself so the sessions would be more fun. I found that even just once a week or so helped, as well as more frequent sexual intercourse.

After a couple of weeks of "working out" with the dildo, sexual penetration became comfortable and enjoyable.

Good luck...such a pleasurable natural gift to humanity shouldn't be painful.

bytor2112 said:

tie the bitch up and fucking RAM HER!!

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Just because your uncle did that to you. . .

I can think of many things it could be:
hymen, endometriosis, scar tissue, emotional, muscle problems, allergies to; lube, a condom, or the type of soap you wash with, and worse things like tumors, growths, cancer.

my advice is to find ways to make her come without penetration, coming usually relaxes your muscles. Do that a lot before trying any sort of penetration. Then try going down on her and using a finger for a while, then if she can handle one try another until you get to 3 (if that is about the diameter of your cock hard). Use lots of lube. Try the lube on her without penetration and see if it burns, if it does, try something else. I am allergic to a lot of them, one that works for me is by emerita, you can find it in a health food store, or Walgreen's version of ky without the propylene glycol (sp?). If you are using condoms try the kind of condom on your finger in her and see what happens. I have problem spermicides on condoms, as well as some lubes on them. I either use an nonlubricated rubber one or a lubed polyurethane one.

When her vaginal muscles seem very relaxed enter her and stop, let her get used to you, pretend you are having anal or something, let her move to you.

Having her on top might help, she can lower herself as far as she wishes and then pull up when she needs too, if she goes a bit further down each time she might be able to handle it.

If now of this works, she should see a DR. It may appear to be a big deal but she may have a serious problem like PID, an infection, precancerous cells.... An infection can leave her sterile which would be horrible if it was preventable.

Good Luck!

Noor said:

I can think of many things it could be:
hymen, endometriosis, scar tissue, emotional, muscle problems, allergies to; lube, a condom, or the type of soap you wash with, and worse things like tumors, growths, cancer.

my advice is to find ways to make her come without penetration, coming usually relaxes your muscles. Do that a lot before trying any sort of penetration. Then try going down on her and using a finger for a while, then if she can handle one try another until you get to 3 (if that is about the diameter of your cock hard). Use lots of lube. Try the lube on her without penetration and see if it burns, if it does, try something else. I am allergic to a lot of them, one that works for me is by emerita, you can find it in a health food store, or Walgreen's version of ky without the propylene glycol (sp?). If you are using condoms try the kind of condom on your finger in her and see what happens. I have problem spermicides on condoms, as well as some lubes on them. I either use an nonlubricated rubber one or a lubed polyurethane one.

When her vaginal muscles seem very relaxed enter her and stop, let her get used to you, pretend you are having anal or something, let her move to you.

Having her on top might help, she can lower herself as far as she wishes and then pull up when she needs too, if she goes a bit further down each time she might be able to handle it.

If now of this works, she should see a DR. It may appear to be a big deal but she may have a serious problem like PID, an infection, precancerous cells.... An infection can leave her sterile which would be horrible if it was preventable.

Good Luck!

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Well, I've made her cum (very hard I might add ) with my fingers, so that's not an issue...

Tried doing it in various states of arousal, and like I said, it varies each time. The finger thing I talked about before is what baffles us the most, I think.

I texted her earlier with my advice, and she will be going to a dr. soon. I dunno when, but yeah. I'll keep everyone updated as I find out more.