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Old 07-21-2001, 11:15 AM   #26
Silverlily
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I have a question.

My husband and I are looking for others who share our interests. Where is a good place to start looking? Most of what I run into on the Net is the typical pulp fiction 'whip, beat me, make me cum" nonsense.
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Old 07-21-2001, 11:54 AM   #27
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happy birthday Kitten eyes


There should be a group near you that meets for munches, or has evening sessions. Where are you?
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Old 07-21-2001, 12:23 PM   #28
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Thanks

I'm in the DC/Baltimore area.
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Old 07-21-2001, 12:49 PM   #29
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Just a few questions from some one who is pretty new to this.

How important is a contract and how detailed should it be? My mistress, or owner as I must refer to her likes details and everything spelled out. Does it really matter as long as you have the important things like what each other will do, how long the contract will last and a safe-word and its conditions of use?

Is size important, or is it mental strenght that plays a bigger part? My mistress is shorter and smaller than me, however she does have enough strenght to pick me up and she knows what to say and do to make me feel small.

As this is some-what a long distance relationship (yes, i have met her on quiet a few occasions) I have to dabble in a little bit of instructed self bondage. Is this safe? As I'm a little afraid that I will get myself into something that I can get out of.
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Old 07-21-2001, 04:45 PM   #30
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Thumbs up Another subbie adding her $0.02...

Quote:
Originally posted by PacificBlue ....
[/b]

How and why did you get started in this?

First off, let me state that I believe submission has been with me all of my life. From hanging out with friends (making decisions on what to do...where to go), to early childhood sexual experimentation (kinda being a "follower" there too and allowing "whatever" to happen), to High School relationships, to adulthood ones. I've just always been more submissive/passive.


How did you figure out that it turned you on?

I don't really know how to explain this one. I have always been what others call "kinky". Even back in HS relationships, I wanted to get spanked, wanted to do various sexual role plays. By the time I was about 18 or 19, I received a "full session" from a Dominant man and knew instantly that it was what I loved and that I would "never be the same again". I won't even look for a "vanilla" male for relationships now. D/s is too big of a part of my life now.


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Old 07-21-2001, 05:28 PM   #31
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Quote:
Originally posted by SleepingWarrior
Ok, I see how a sub can pick their 'Master/Mistress' but has anything ever happened to the Dom/me's here? Like has any sub you ever had like.....fought back (bad choice of words I know and apologize in advance)...I mean like they werent comfortable with what you did to them and let their thoughts about what was done to make them feel bad be known during the session?


It should never come to this. Both Dom and Sub should have everything ironed out with numerous discussions beforehand. If, during the session, the Dom goes beyond what was negotiated, then the Sub has EVERY RIGHT to make their thoughts known and to end the session.

Quote:
And would that be a punishable offence, or would you and the sub talk about what happened?
A discussion would definitely be appropriate and necessary, IMHO. As far as punishment, it depends on the circumstances. If the Dom went beyond negotiated plans, the subject of punishment should not even cross the Dom's lips. If it's a matter of the sub testing the Dom, that may be a matter for punishment.

And, cym - thanks you!!! And to answer your question, I was at that workshop with friends. I attended as a guest. I have friends in high places.
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Old 07-21-2001, 06:11 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally posted by Aussie Worm
Is size important, or is it mental strenght that plays a bigger part? My mistress is shorter and smaller than me, however she does have enough strenght to pick me up and she knows what to say and do to make me feel small.

I'm short (5' 6"), but I've yet to find a submissive taller. I measure them from the knees up. But seriously, it shouldn't be a factor.
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Old 07-22-2001, 04:35 AM   #33
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Quote:
Originally posted by Aussie Worm
Just a few questions from some one who is pretty new to this.

Is size important, or is it mental strenght that plays a bigger part? My mistress is shorter and smaller than me, however she does have enough strenght to pick me up and she knows what to say and do to make me feel small.
WriterDom gave an excellent and succinct answer to this question, but I thought I'd throw my 2 cents in anyway.

As a sub, I found size important. I'm a tall, big woman. Especially when I was inexperienced, I needed a bigger (than me)man as Master. I found that allowed me to feel physically protected, and it helped sustain the illusion of play. The idea of submitting to someone I could kick the daylights out of just didn't work for me; it felt too much like a game, too much like an illusion. But, that's me--I'm attracted to big men. And, I'm a difficult Sub...a real problem child. Most aren't like me, but we're not entirely uncommon either.

As a female Top, I've found size to be an advantage, because you're working against the social code in an additional way. I think that Doms have a slight advantage over Dommes in this regard, in that male dominance is more in keeping with traditional gender roles. Many (women in particular) are already socially conditioned to submit, in one form or another, to men--no matter what size those men are. Even though D/S relationships are already working against social expectations, female dominance adds another layer to that; some people may find it hard to submit to someone much smaller than themselves, especially a woman. I've found that my height (5'11"), resonant voice, and sturdy (180 lb) frame are helpful, if for no other reason than that I start out imposing--I tend to intimidate people when I'm not trying.

But, it also seems like you've answered your own question. She knows what to do, and she's strong enough to do what you both want. As long as her size doesn't bother you, who cares what size works best for others, right?
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Old 07-22-2001, 07:04 AM   #34
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Red face Master isn't just a word

Thank you cymbidia for starting this thread. I have had some experiences as a dominant and as a submissive. I'm not a good submissive, although I enjoy being restrained and sexually teased by a woman.

When I was about twenty-five, I met this lovely lady that discovered she was submissive. I was still an inexperienced dominant, so we learned as we went along, not only about our desires, but also about how to do the things we wanted to do in safety.

We made some mistakes, and had some arguments. We were together for a wonderful year or so. I knew as the dominant or master that I was responsible for her physical and emotional well-being. The relationship ended because I allowed myself to get "spoiled".

I took the relationship for granted. I took my submissives emotional needs for granted. I took her for granted. I lost the control that I needed to have over my desires. I was no longer a master. I wasn't the master that she'd needed, or even met.

When she left, I was angry and disappointed. It took me a couple of years before I'd realized what had gone wrong. Since then, I've had three or four relationships with other submissive women. I'd like to think that these relationships ended on a better note, and that I'd learned something about myself afterwards.

Even if I'm not in a relationship, I can work on mastering myself. Self-mastery is the hardest dominant / submissive relationship, but it's the most satisfying.
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Old 07-22-2001, 07:43 AM   #35
cymbidia
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Contracts and ldr's

Quote:
Originally posted by Aussie Worm
How important is a contract and how detailed should it be? My mistress, or owner as I must refer to her likes details and everything spelled out. Does it really matter as long as you have the important things like what each other will do, how long the contract will last and a safe-word and its conditions of use?
In all my years of doing this, i've only subbed once to someone who required a written contract. His insistence on a contract was, in large part, a way of insuring that we both knew what we would be doing and acepted everything that would be between us. He required that i research and develop the contract from scratch; he didn't have one ready for me to sign. Over my weeks of that contract R & D, he and i had *numerous* discussions about our expectations with regard to what would be. That, i think, was the most of the point of the excercise.

I don't think i still have a copy a contract in my files somewhere. If i do, though, i'll delete all personal stuff and post it here, if you think it would be of benefit.

With everything spelled out, each of you knows what to expect. Dom/mes have such an awesome responsibility for us, i wonder that more of them don't want a contract, to be honest. It can be argued - successfully - that they are unenforceable from a legal perspective since, at best, they are but a formalized, written guideline and agreement to the kinda stuff we all talk about before we play anyway (or **should** talk about before we play). At worst, contracts can implicate the Dom/me in activities that may still be illegal in your area.

Note: There have been US court cases in the last 10 years wherein BDSM contracts were used to try to prove abuse. Consensuality notwithstanding, in some parts of the US even anal intercourse is still illegal. The days are not long past in which almost everything we do together as fully sexual D/s partners and consenting adults was also illegal and had to be carefully hidden from nilla society.

Anyway, to paraphrase your words, does the contract really matter as long as you feel safe with her, have a safe word, and know when and how to use it? If the contract gives your Dom/me some peace of mind in some way, why not? At the very least, it's a harmless, painless way to help you both more fully understand the limits between you, is is not?
Quote:

As this is some-what a long distance relationship (yes, i have met her on quiet a few occasions) I have to dabble in a little bit of instructed self bondage. Is this safe? As I'm a little afraid that I will get myself into something that I can get out of.
LDR's, long distance relationships, are hard for anyone of any sexual stripe or flavor. Perhaps they're a little harder for us who need the special heat that D/s play brings to bear on what is between two people behind closed doors.

I've done some self bondage, some D/s play, at the instruction of someone far away. I *always* hated it. I felt lonely and sorta stupid. It lacked, in a serious way, the intensity and immediacy of what i crave from real, face-to-face, hands-on BDSM lovemaking.

However, one must obey one's Dom/me, right? Sometimes there's gonna be distance.

If you are being asked to do that which makes you afraid, talk to your Domme about your fears. You already know that. You owe HER your honesty and truth - not us.

If she insists you do that which you are afraid to do, and it's not just stubbornness on your part (in other words, it's not cuz you feel silly or stupid or just not in the mood - something like that), then you may, of course, like always, refuse. Know, though, that you'll have to accept the consequences of that refusal, whatever they may be within your relationship.

We're always people, Aussie Worm - sub, slave, owned or whatever. We have limits and fears. We owe our truth and our obedience to our Dom/mes but it doesn't erase us as people, ever.


Hi chatbug. You're warmly welcome here among the rest of us perverts.

Sorry i popped back in and hogged the thread again but no one answered him!
I'm going straight back to my quiet corner now.
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Last edited by cymbidia : 07-22-2001 at 01:23 PM.
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Old 07-22-2001, 12:47 PM   #36
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Just a few thoughts to topics mentioned above in no specific order:

Contracts:
Nope, I don't need them, and none of the people I was involved with ever insisted on one or even suggested that. But if I had the feeling a potential sub would feel comfortable having limits and regulations pinned down "black on white" I would sure have no problem "using" that means of getting what I want and need - the full trust and the consent of the sub to what is going to transpire. Maybe I am overestimating my "famale perception" here but I felt always quite comfortable just by discussions and observations to know what would clearly be overstepping any possible limits of the relation - and there are always savewords (written contract or not) and love and caring to guide me in whatever I may be doing.

size:
I am a rather small (though far from fragile or delicate) person, but I must be having something about me that makes it easy for people to accept my lead ... I am not having too much of a problem with a male sub being bigger than me (I guess I'd actually not feel very appealed to a man I could "master" physically *chuckles*) After all I am not in for a "fight" but for a extension of our mental and physical experiences together. Of course there is a little "cooperation" needed ... sure, I couldn't tie a guy up against his will (which actually is at times rather reassuring to knwo) but that is not what D/s is about.

Once tied up securely though, a big man is as vulnerable to my attentions as is a small person. Plus - isn't there a certain thrill in seeing a person who wouldn't really have to submit to you physically is still doing it? Placing their trust in your love and judgement at your feet as a most precious gift?

And on a little "personal observation" side note: submissive men are usually very much prey to humiliation (and I guess this is where a bit of the already mentioned role model thinking sets in, they aren't supposed to be giving themselves up to someone who could never dominate them if it wasn't for their own free will) and that is a concept not related to physical size and stature, mabe even easier to do with a man who has so obviously given over control by being easily my superior in size and body strength.

[i]on a little side note for my most precious darling though ( I bet you will read this sooner or later *winks*) I can be very physically dominant too, so you better not think about NOT loving me *hug*/i


long distance:
I do have to admit it does lack considerably - maybe for a BDSM relation even more than for any other love relation. As far as self bondage goes ... I know very well how much bondage elemts helps to get us turned on, but (you there was a "but" in store, right?) you know it is embarrassing enough to have to vcall the firebrigade to cut your handcuffs of a bed - it is dangerous to be alone and not in reach of a phone should that happen! It is strongly advisable to have scissors handy when toying with ropes and scarves (nasty little suckers those knots can be at times!) and I am not too sure how to handle incidents like that when alone ... I guess it is ok to toy with stuff but PLEASE!! be carefull! After all you need a good deal of imagination to have long distance relation going .. why not use it all the way, including the bonds?

what else was there *scrolling through the pages*


punishments and scenes stopped by the sub:
Geeze - I damn well hope every sub has the brains to say STOP when a stop is due! And such sure has to cause a lot of discussion , in depth and on a "research" level (as opposed to accusations and hurt feelings, after all we all are only human - yes, even us Dom/mes! and we can not know it all, we have our own "images" and as much as we try to take care of the subs trusting us and our judgement, we can not read minds and thoughts, so if you subs don't talk honestly, open and extensively about your wishes and desires and limits with us we CAN NOT KNOW, we can barely guess and that is not fool proof)

Of course such an occurence is never subject to punishment (at least not in my book!) - I actually would see it totally as the opposite of the trust and caring "task" I have set myself. How should I encourage my sub to tell me what s/he really wants - fears if in the consequence I reward the openness with punishment?

It is different if I can trace a repeated pattern of doubting me or my actions - then I guess we were just not meant for each other and better put a line under the relation ... just as much as I would draw a line under any other relation that I had doubt in!


okies - posting that bit now (lost too many posts lately just as I had them done...) but I guess I'll be back with more rambles soon *s* .. and Cym baby... please please .. don't you go hiding in your corner and deprive us of your presence *s*
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Old 07-22-2001, 03:17 PM   #37
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I got this letter in PMs and have permission to share it here. Our panel of experts might have a better answer than me, and who knows, it could help someone else.


I'm Sorry to Bug You.

But I thought maybe you could help me just a little. One of the women that I work with is involved with a man that seems to really get off beating the living hell out of her in the name of BDSM. I try really hard to advise her the best I can, but I guess I'm not getting through to her. She is old enough to be my mom and is married to someone else. The man that beats her, is her affair I guess you'd say.

The stuff he tells her just scares me. And he tells her that it is her job as his slave to take what he dishes out. He refuses to play with a safe word, he says that real masters and slaves don't have a safe word. As far as I can tell when they are together it just involves him tying her up, beating the hell out of her until she cries for like an hour and then fucking her.

I've seen her bruises, I've seen that she is scared of him. She tells me, that she tells him, that I know all about their "relationship". Which I wouldn't care about except that he is a volunteer at the nursing home where we work. So I get to see him too. I get to put up with his nasty glances and crude remarks like that I'm a "good subbie". Since he knows, I know, I'm beginning to be a little afraid of him myself. Even though she tells me he'd never bother me. But how can I be so sure?

She has never even thought about BDSM kinds of things before and now here she is in the middle of an odd sort of BDSM(for lack of a better word) relationship. She really believes the stuff he tells her. She thinks that this is how it is supposed to be.

I guess what I'm wondering is, is there anything else I should be telling her? Or is there something I can show her to make her understand how BDSM really works.

I don't know why I told you all that, but even if you don't answer me, I feel better knowing I've told someone, even a perfect stranger. Thank you for your time at the very least.
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Old 07-22-2001, 05:40 PM   #38
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Thanks for the advice guys, much appreciated.
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Old 07-23-2001, 08:25 AM   #39
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Talking BDSM

Thank You,Thank You,Thank You!!!

I am a submissive who has been collared for 2 years now and you have put down into words exactly how my Master and I feel towards each other. I am glad that someone has written this to help others understand. You must have been reading my mind!!
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Old 07-23-2001, 11:15 AM   #40
cymbidia
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Abuse, not BDSM

Quote:
Originally posted by WriterDom
I guess what I'm wondering is, is there anything else I should be telling her? Or is there something I can show her to make her understand how BDSM really works.
This is an abusive relationship, WD, as well you know. I'm sure you've told that to the writer of this PM already.

BDSM and abuse are totally opposite kinds of activities.
BDSM is always consensual and from it both partners derive extreme pleasure and need-fulfillment.
Abusive relationships always leave one partner feeling helpless, sad, or powerless to voice thier needs for fear of some kind of retribution.

This woman has a friend who is being abused in the name of BDSM. It happens too often, thus imprinting in the minds of the general many the spectre of all subs being cringing punching bags and of all Dom/mes being power-mad lunatics. Such is about as oposite from our reality as any pop characterization could be.

Tell your PM'er, again, that her friend is being dangerously abused. Tell her she needs to help her friend get *out* of the situation, out of the relationship, before she (the friend) gets badly hurt. Everywhere there are counselors, often free ones, who will help battered women. Check the yellow pages.

WD, beg your PM'er friend (though i'm sure you won't beg - i would, though, in this case) to NOT believe that what she sees between these two troubled people is real BDSM. Please tell her most firmly that it's a sick thing she sees, as she's realized, a hurting relationship, a thing of black sourness. It's nothing remotely like the glory of what can exist between people really committed to a wholesome and consensual power-exchange relationship.

BDSM is never abusive.
Abusive relationships are never BDSM.
The opposite of BDSM relationships are forced or abusive relationships.
Always.
Period.



(Welcome carrie-on! Yet another face in our growing community.)
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Old 07-23-2001, 11:38 AM   #41
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Wow, so much input, so much to mull and think over.

But I must first say to WriterDom, as I am sure you have already done so, also tell the person who pm'd you to stay the hell away from them. To me, inexperienced as I am, it looks like he could be sizing them up for play also. Not play.
As Hecate says he is not a Master or Dom, he is a criminal and should be avoided. I am concerned that since he knows that person knows, they could be next.

You have all been so kind to share with us a little of what you have learned over the years.

Blushing, how can one not love such an incredible Mistress?


To me, punishment isn't a beating or spanking. But being ignored, sent away, the withdrawal of affection of even simple acknowledgement. Sure it is fun to "play" at being a naughty girl and getting spanked, but for true punishment of me it would be the above. I am human and crave attention and affection from those I love. Keeping that from me will affect me and guide me much better and quicker then any physical act.
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Old 07-23-2001, 12:37 PM   #42
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I know this is on the general board, but it keeps getting bumped, so I thought it would be appropriate here. I also tried to correct the funky spacing.


The Online Predator
Author Unknown


The following is a composite profile of an Online Predator. This profile was compiled by a number of submissive women for the use of submissive women. It is written from the perspective of a submissive female whose nature requires her to respond to a dominant male.

The Online Predator


1) Definition:

The Online Predator is one who uses the mechanisms of cyber space to hunt human beings with the intent to exploit, rob, plunder and pillage their body,mind, heart and soul.

2) Characteristics of a Predator:

1. Liar: ( Self explanatory )
2. Deceiver: His self situation is presented as other than what it is.
3. Betrayer: He is likely to break trust.
4. Insecure: He is worried that others will be faithless.
5. Inconsistent: He will say one thing while doing another.
6. Lacking Honor: Usually while protesting that he has honor.
7. Lack of Respect: He will tend to denigrate others.
8. Transient: He is unlikely to have many long term friends.
9. Manipulator: He calculates and contrives for his own benefit to the detriment of his partner.
10. Secretive: He will tend to cloak himself and his activities.
11. Charming: If he could not steal your breath away, he would not be a successful hunter.
12. Selective: He will pick victims carefully, looking for weaknesses and filling those voids completely.
13. Chameleon: He will appear to fit any need perfectly and adapt to fill any desire.
14. Lacking in Self Control: Although at times, he may have extraordinary self control and discipline.

A predator probably exhibits these characteristics in all aspects of his life. It may be that the only place the predator seems to have honor and value Truth is in the Relationship he is developing with his victim. When developing a new relationship, a submissive should make a conscious effort to observe her partnerÔs interaction with others, not just how he interacts with her. The predator may well reveal his true self through his interactions.
But, the submissive may only see this revelation if she is committed to taking every precaution for her own safety.

3) Predator Warning Signals:

While any of these phrases or actions may be acceptable in a given context, pay close attention when seeing or hearing them. Phrases:
1. Do not tell .
2. ( ) is crazy ! ( or psycho, sick, a liar, or out to get me )
3. It would be best if you no longer spoke to .
4. I do not need to defend myself against lies.
5. They are just jealous ( of me, of us, of what we have, that you have me ).

Actions:

1. May seldom be in the D/s chat rooms. Operates from other areas or private rooms.
2. Has personal information which is incomplete or not verifiable.
3. Becomes defensive or angry when questioned.
4. Questions the sincerity of the submissive when questioned.
5. He will usually discourage or forbid the practice of reference checks.
6. He will usually discourage or forbid the use of Safe Calls.

4) The Submissives Personal Warning Signals:

These are items that a submissive should pay attention to if she is saying them to herself or hearing them from others.
1. I feel he is just too good to be true.
2. You are hearing consistent warnings from more that one person.
3. Your instincts are whispering something is not right about this person.

5) Summary:

The final best defense any submissive has against an Online Predator is her own common sense and judgment. The submissive should always remember that desires, needs, and the heat of the moment can combine to drown that judgment. Always take a moment to step back, take a deep breath and look at a
potential partner with common sense and not with passion


What is a "Red Flag"?

A "Red Flag" is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle.


Some common examples might be:

1) Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at
all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex.

2) Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take
several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.

3) Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many
subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so
lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor
understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.

4) Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.

5) Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others,or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong.

6) A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.

7) Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both
Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.

8) Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son's birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day
to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of
different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character.However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be
careful.

And please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.



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Old 07-23-2001, 01:20 PM   #43
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Old 07-23-2001, 03:00 PM   #44
lilfrk
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I'm the One That PMed WriterDom

I fully understand that what she is going through is abuse. I've even sent her the Online Predator post that WD posted. I'm afraid for her. I'm the only one that knows about her and this man. She used to be very good about telling me when she was going to his house, so if anything happened at least someone would know where to look. Encouraging I know. But now a lot of times she doesn't and that scares me even more.

Part of me is like I don't even want to know anymore. She's grown(47) she makes her own choices. But the other part of me is like she's my friend, I've known her since I was 15(13yrs now), I need to be there for her.

I'm getting tired of trying to help and starting to make headway with her, then he pops back up lays on the charm, and her telling me "oh he says it won't be like that anymore." I mean come on, he's choked her until she almost passed out and his all time favorite just whipping the hell out of her with his belt.

Best of all, he knows I know. I hate the way he looks at me now, I hate the things he says. I never really liked him to begin with but now I really don't. I'm scared for me too a little bit.

I'm at a complete loss at what to do. Should I keep trying to be there for her or should I just say "You're grown do what you want you will anyway." Is there anything else I should be showing her or telling her that will make a difference?

Thank You all for your comments so far I really do appriecate them. ~Ally
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Old 07-23-2001, 03:39 PM   #45
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Old 07-23-2001, 03:45 PM   #46
SteamyChik
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I have been married for almost 21 years and not to say things weren't hot and fun between me and hubby, but I thought a little excitement would go a long way to spicing things up.

I had been interested in submission, s/m since I was 15, although I didn't know all the jargon at the time. Of course, I didn't have much to do with it until years later. Nine years ago, I began to tease my hubby about things like, if you are mad I didn't do the dishes, spank me! And things like that. He did finally take the hint and that began our period of BDSM. We are still heavily involved in the lifestyle, but much less rigid in our definitions - or I guess you would say, not so formal about it all.

Hubby has gone from Top, to Master, to Sir, and back to hubby over a period of years. I think when outside (vanilla) people think of BDSM, they think it's very cut and dried. You either are a slave all the time, or a Master all the time, and there is no diversity.

I have seen a lot of BDSM relationships over 9 years, and the main thing that seems true is - every one of them is different and every person, couple, must set their own guidelines and not listen to what the "real" BDSM'rs say is the only "real" way to do it.

If all you want to do is get spanked before sex, then that is great. If you want to live 24/7 in a Master/slave relationship, that is great but a lot of damn work! But work it out and communicate with each other to make it what you want, not what others think you should have.

About dominants, they have their red lights too. I am a masochist and my husband often stops way before I want to. At the same time, the mental play is just as scary as the physical play, even more so. There are some places my husband refuses to take me because he doesn't want to go there. I respect that, drat.

Life goes on even if you are a dom or a sub. My husband washes the dishes sometimes but this doesn't make him less dominant. I take charge of the finances because it's easier for me, that doesn't make him less dominant, or me more dominant.

BDSM is a part of my life, not all of it. It's just that bullwhips, knives and rope excite me more than diamonds, flowers and perfume .

I think a married BDSM relationship has significant differences from non-married BDSM relationships. I would be happy to answer questions abou that or any aspect of BDSM.
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Old 07-23-2001, 04:01 PM   #47
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I have talked to her a great length about what she gets out of all this. What she likes about it from what she tells me is this: He gives her attention (although not always the attention that she wants). I also think that she is submissive just not masochistic like some. She says she likes the control he takes and some of the bondage and pain. I mean I'm a masochistic sub but I wouldn't get off on the shit he does to her either.

She tells me she is afraid of him and that she hates when he hits her like he does. I'm never ever afraid when I play with my man. For me it's all about the trust and pleasing.

I guess I just don't know. I think just going to take the side of she's grown she makes her own choices and leave it at that. I can't help her anymore. I give her all the good info I can find and it still doesn't help. I'm way too young to be her mom.
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Old 07-23-2001, 04:26 PM   #48
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Quote:
Originally posted by MistressHoney
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I've been told I'm not a "true" Domme because I do not like inflicting pain and am rather gentle. I choose to challenge my pets to face their fears. In some ways, this is more painful than a switch or hot wax. It's more psychological and emotional.

Also, because of the rape, I understand the power of a physical scar. There are two men who walk this world with my mark upon them, though mine is of passion and possession, not cruelty. I'll have my pet write of his side.

This is a fantastic idea, all.
from reading here I want to say the important thing is who you trust. I've never been in a bdsm situation before Honey. it's doubtful I would have even though I was interested in it. but after meeting Honey it seemed a natural part of our being together.

and it is through pain that we find ourselves.
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Old 07-23-2001, 04:27 PM   #49
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Old 07-23-2001, 04:58 PM   #50
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Lilfrk. Please. I know it is a friend and this is hard. But stay away. Warning bells just keep ringing and ringing in my head everytime I think of this. Please. he will turn on you too if you're not careful. What he is doing is wrong, and her letting it happen is just as wrong, if from a different standpoint. She is old enough to get away.
Please, please be careful. God. I am so afraid for you. he just seems to like hurting and wouldn't be afraid of hurting you too.
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