The Need For Pain
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Kierae
tragically delicious
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There are plenty of folks like you - how much pain is needed usually depends on how far on the masochistic spectrum you are. Personally speaking, I need the pain - need that push over the edge. If I don't get it, I end up frustrated. I can technically orgasm without it but it's not a satisfactory orgasm - basically just takes the edge off me. So yes when I masturbate, you can bet there is pain involved if possible.
I am curious why it makes you sad? Does this cause you conflict in some way?
~kierae
I am curious why it makes you sad? Does this cause you conflict in some way?
~kierae
CutieMouse
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sojurner said:
It's simply how you are. Lots of people are masochists; few [if any] are bad or wrong or sick. Society tells us from an early age that pain is bad, thus guilt or confusion over the intensly good feelings one gets from pain can sometimes overwhelm. *shrug*
(The preceeding rational and logical response is brought to you by someone who doesn't quite understand it herself; upon the advice of someone far wiser she's stopped trying to find out "why".
)
Bandit58
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The word "pain" conjures up the feeling of something bad......I prefer to use "sensation", whether it's caused by a gentle touch or the slap of a flogger or crop. I need to be in a certain head space to process the harder types of sensation, if I haven't been through a warm up process of some sort it just doesn't feel good to me.
If I've been without it for a few days the "need" is definitely there! I get restless and edgy and need a good session to calm me down
If I've been without it for a few days the "need" is definitely there! I get restless and edgy and need a good session to calm me down
snowy ciara
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Its not so odd, sojourner. Lots of us are wired for pain. I have some of the same fears you do, though, too. I worry that my need for pain will overwhelm my good sense. (I do have some, believe it or not.) I worry that I'll go too far. I don't find thoughts of dying orgasmic. I worry that I'll never find someone who can dish out equal parts of ouch and caring. Mostly I'm afraid of my desire for dominant sadists. About what it says about me.
Private_Label
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sojurner said:
It could just be the way you are wired. It could be that the hormones released with pain (endorphins) activate receptors in a way that you find extremely pleasurable. Everyone is different, and there is documented research that pain/pleasure are very closely related.
Blushing Bottom
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I worry that I'll never find someone who can dish out equal parts of ouch and caring. Mostly I'm afraid of my desire for dominant sadists. About what it says about me.
I guess the saddness may be because I wonder if I'm broken.
I can't just enjoy the pleasure and allow myself to enjoy sex freely and therefore force myself to endure pain in order to find release. ?
Our society does marginalize 'deviants' making those who don't fit the norm seem - well - deviant. And, ya'll are right that pain does make you think bad. Bad is definately not good.
However, as we all know, bad and sex can be very good.
I can't just enjoy the pleasure and allow myself to enjoy sex freely and therefore force myself to endure pain in order to find release. ?
Our society does marginalize 'deviants' making those who don't fit the norm seem - well - deviant. And, ya'll are right that pain does make you think bad. Bad is definately not good.
However, as we all know, bad and sex can be very good.
Kierae
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Sojurner,
You are only "broken" if you are looking thru the eyes of society around you. You are judging yourself for their perceptions of what is normal or appropriate.
I can only use myself as an example. I am "wired" for pain due to long term childhood sexual abuse which was sadistic - basically I was trained to accept pain with pleasure. I was considered broken by society and the parade of professionals, etc. It is funny how they reinforce the victim role instead of empowering you while they are trying to "fix" you. I somehow figured out along the way that I may not be "normal" by society standards but I really didn't give a fuck what those standards were since I have seen first hand how skewed they can be. I have been called alot of things in my life and honestly probably every one of the words might have had some truth to it at one time or another but very few stick (broken and victim didn't - masochist did).
Revel in your differences, love yourself for who you are - a unique loving being who is wired a bit different but that is what makes you who YOU are (not who society says you should be). My guess is your partner accepts you for who you are and loves you and you both can find ways to meet the needs without judgement.
~kierae
You are only "broken" if you are looking thru the eyes of society around you. You are judging yourself for their perceptions of what is normal or appropriate.
I can only use myself as an example. I am "wired" for pain due to long term childhood sexual abuse which was sadistic - basically I was trained to accept pain with pleasure. I was considered broken by society and the parade of professionals, etc. It is funny how they reinforce the victim role instead of empowering you while they are trying to "fix" you. I somehow figured out along the way that I may not be "normal" by society standards but I really didn't give a fuck what those standards were since I have seen first hand how skewed they can be. I have been called alot of things in my life and honestly probably every one of the words might have had some truth to it at one time or another but very few stick (broken and victim didn't - masochist did).
Revel in your differences, love yourself for who you are - a unique loving being who is wired a bit different but that is what makes you who YOU are (not who society says you should be). My guess is your partner accepts you for who you are and loves you and you both can find ways to meet the needs without judgement.
~kierae
brioche
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sojurner said:
i saw a television show on this very subject. It likened the need for pain to the need some people have for adrenaline, or how some people can bear extremely spicy food.
It has to do with thresholds. For some, the threshold for spicy foods may be very low, so they do not like it. For some, their need for stimulation is very high, so they become adrenanline junkies, skydiving, etc. For you, it may simply be that your genetic pattern requires you to have more forceful sensations in order to orgasm.
Do not think of it as something that is "broken" in you, honey. Think of it as part of who you are. You will never be able to accept yourself if you think your need for pain is wrong, and it certainly is not.
brioche
Thanks All Around
You guys are really sweet - I appreciate all the thoughtful and helpful advice I've found here on lit. so far.
I was also abused as I kid and early on was aware of the pain/pleasure relationship. I wonder if this drives it or if like brioche suggests, I simply need 'extra' stimulation. I do require the strongest vibrator known to man/woman kind!!!! : ) The hubby thinks it's hilarious.
You guys are really sweet - I appreciate all the thoughtful and helpful advice I've found here on lit. so far.
I was also abused as I kid and early on was aware of the pain/pleasure relationship. I wonder if this drives it or if like brioche suggests, I simply need 'extra' stimulation. I do require the strongest vibrator known to man/woman kind!!!! : ) The hubby thinks it's hilarious.
CutieMouse
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sojurner said:
I don't know that I believe it's related to abuse... I didn't exactly have the healthiest environment growing up (mentally ill parents), but my parents had stopped spanking me by age 6. I wasn't physically abused, any sexual abuse was exposure based rather than touch based. I grew up being a good girl, followed the rules, never stepped off the straight and narrow path, etc... and finally in my 30s realized that people actually liked things lik BDSM and it was alright for them to like it. It's been an interesting growth process. Even a year ago I'd have said "oh well yes of course... but I'm not a pain slut or anything like that. " Bah. Today pain is part of cherishing and being cherished. I have no idea why. I can't explain why. I still struggle with being happy at the idea because conditioning tells me I shouldn't be. So I quietly move forward in Life only admiting/exposing/discussing the issues of Pain and Love in safe environments; hoping to fulfill my heart's desire someday. *shrug*
So, I just hit 35 and am just now really admitting all the sexual stuff that I want and need. Maybe I am just now realizing/recognizing it.
I was raised a 'good little christian girl' so actually likeing sex and doing anything other than missionary is probably sending me strait to hell : ) according to my old crowd.
Late bloomer or does it take this long to finally realize and accept that it is ok to be this way. Is that why swingers are always so old? tee hee hee.
I figure that's the next step anyway. swinging bondage? does that happen?
I was raised a 'good little christian girl' so actually likeing sex and doing anything other than missionary is probably sending me strait to hell : ) according to my old crowd.
Late bloomer or does it take this long to finally realize and accept that it is ok to be this way. Is that why swingers are always so old? tee hee hee.
I figure that's the next step anyway. swinging bondage? does that happen?
CutieMouse
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I always told people I was born 30... I hit 30 and things clicked into place faster than you could blink. That doesn't mean that it's easy or I understand anything. I'm still in that stage of "What-a-rotten-day-I-really-need-"X"... waitaminute... what on earth am I thinking? Oh yeah... it's ok to want "X"... waitaminute... am I wanting "X" in the proper way? Is what I desire defeating the purpose of "X" or is the purpose of "X" my desires? Maybe I should read or journal or work or have a margarita instead..." *Wanders off to study Latin or walks into work to catalog books*
It's easier than it was 6 months ago, but I fear it drives some people in my life batty on occasion.
It's easier than it was 6 months ago, but I fear it drives some people in my life batty on occasion.
too funny cutiemouse
BTW - I felt bad last night after thinking about what I wrote about swingers being old. I know that's not true. I don't want anyone to think I'm old because I'm 35! And I'm sure that when I'm older I won't think I'm old either.
Does that make sence?
Anyway sorry if I offended anyone.
BTW - I felt bad last night after thinking about what I wrote about swingers being old. I know that's not true. I don't want anyone to think I'm old because I'm 35! And I'm sure that when I'm older I won't think I'm old either.
Does that make sence?
Anyway sorry if I offended anyone.
chris9
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I'm 23 and sometimes I feel old. My friends start marrying, so I must be getting old. Then again, my sis is 20 and she is very young (in my eyes)... So it's all subjective.sojurner said:
I haven't figured out how to achieve orgasm with actual sex (penis in vagina type sex). Maybe I belong to those not able to do so. So we found ways to satisfy my none the less. It makes me sad sometimes, too, because I feel I should be able to come with him thrusting inside me, like all stories and such say.sojurner said:
But hey, we found ways around it, and though I'm still wanting to know if it really feels better when both come together, I'm happy with my sex life in general.
So, what I'm trying to say: We are all different. Some like pain, some need pain, some like oral, some need oral, some hate or dislike both. Do what feels good to you, don't worry about what magazines, books or movies say.
Private_Label
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sojurner said:
I have trouble orgasming, period. Now I think it is sometimes medication related, but I had trouble even before I took the medication involved. I need a strong vibe to be able to get there most times. Nothing wrong with needing extra stimulation. Each woman has her own needs when it comes to stimulation and we all have differing levels at times.
It could be a hold over from your early abuse, it could be medical related or it could be that you just need the extra stimulation. But if you enjoy it in the privacy of your own space, no one should be judging you.
Rrrosyn
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I have the reverse problem. I have trouble reaching orgasm because I am in pain every second of my life, to varying degrees of course. I get so close to climax, then tighten up, increase my pain level and ... it's gone. Gets frustrating! Takes powerful vibes, a good man (usually used at the same time) and a knowledge of which positions to avoid. Heaven forbid I curl my toes!
No one has a right to judge you. If you need to jump start your reaction with increased stimuli, that's just you being you. I can only suggest that learning to relax tension might help a bit. I have a hard time with it myself, but it does help when I can manage it.
No one has a right to judge you. If you need to jump start your reaction with increased stimuli, that's just you being you. I can only suggest that learning to relax tension might help a bit. I have a hard time with it myself, but it does help when I can manage it.
Netzach
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chris9 said:
Most people don't..I never did either. I stopped feeling bad about it and started to just get more interesting about sex. Learned a LOT from the lesbians. I think we all can.
No one expects a guy to get off from just having a finger poking him in the ass or having his balls twiddled. Hm.
FurryFury
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Bandit58 said:The word "pain" conjures up the feeling of something bad......I prefer to use "sensation", whether it's caused by a gentle touch or the slap of a flogger or crop. I need to be in a certain head space to process the harder types of sensation, if I haven't been through a warm up process of some sort it just doesn't feel good to me.
If I've been without it for a few days the "need" is definitely there! I get restless and edgy and need a good session to calm me down
Good point Bandit!
When you say pain, it usually freaks people out. When you say sensation they can relate to that, at least until the find out you mean you want to be spanked or whatever. Still, it gives them a chance to find a tiny bit of understanding.
Fury
PS Check out my lil title?
rosco rathbone
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sojurner said:
Imagine how I feel. I can barely get functional wood unless I am doing something to someone that makes their face get all squinched up like ooooowwwwwwww you are hurting meeeeeeeeee.
Ok - To address the many things that have come up.
1- I have found that most women don't have penetration orgasms. Women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Dick don't do it unless it's hitting the right spot and it usually isn't.
2- This is a good thing because then you can focus on one person at a time. Like me. Selfish huh?
3- Toe curling, Leg cramps are one of the pains that get me off. I use to dance and pointing those pretty little toes to the point of cramping calves can do a number on me.
4- I have wondered about the sadist side Mr. Roscoe Rathbone. My SO is not a Dom but tries his best- bless him. It seems that most of the chatter is geared toward the sub side. It makes me wonder...
Always seeking the truth...
1- I have found that most women don't have penetration orgasms. Women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Dick don't do it unless it's hitting the right spot and it usually isn't.
2- This is a good thing because then you can focus on one person at a time. Like me. Selfish huh?
3- Toe curling, Leg cramps are one of the pains that get me off. I use to dance and pointing those pretty little toes to the point of cramping calves can do a number on me.
4- I have wondered about the sadist side Mr. Roscoe Rathbone. My SO is not a Dom but tries his best- bless him. It seems that most of the chatter is geared toward the sub side. It makes me wonder...
Always seeking the truth...
Rrrosyn
Literotica Guru
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sojurner said:
If you really want to treat him to a simultaneous orgasm use a strong bullet vibrator on your clit while he is pentrating you. Not those crappy ones that go on his cock because then you just get bumped with it and teased. I mean a nice strong vibe right on the clit. Make sure he can last the ride long enough and your climax should push him over the edge.
I have had climaxs from his pubic bone rubbing my clit, but this is the method I use more. Since we only have sex once every month or two it is a real rare treat! And he isn't even allowed to ejaculate when he climaxes during intercourse. All other orgasms he is allowed are masturbation by his hand or mine and I get as many as I want from whatever I want.
