Make a fresh start

[Beck31]

A new year and I need to make fresh start. What is the best way to ween yourself off of someone who is not doing you any good emotionally? This person does not have an account here. Was met on a similar site called Lush btw.

[IrishFun69]

Originally Posted by Beck31

A new year and I need to make fresh start. What is the best way to ween yourself off of someone who is not doing you any good emotionally? This person does not have an account here. Was met on a similar site called Lush btw.

Tough one. I rarely have an emotional connection as it is normally about looks for me, so I just tell them outright what is not doing it for me and generally delete numbers, FB A/Cs etc. But there have been a few girls where I was really close to settling down. Little things would annoy me and sooner or later I would try and cut it.

My best advice is to be honest, brutal if you have to, and make sure you don't leave yourself open from an attack from her, always look like you are in the right or she will try and get at your emotions.

[Beck31]

Originally Posted by IrishFun69

Tough one. I rarely have an emotional connection as it is normally about looks for me, so I just tell them outright what is not doing it for me and generally delete numbers, FB A/Cs etc. But there have been a few girls where I was really close to settling down. Little things would annoy me and sooner or later I would try and cut it.

My best advice is to be honest, brutal if you have to, and make sure you don't leave yourself open from an attack from her, always look like you are in the right or she will try and get at your emotions.

Thank you. I have known [name withheld] for a significant amount of time and have gone rounds sometimes but always managed to work things out.
I feel I nolonger need/want that kind of relationship and it I don't want to be rude about it but just need to move on without hurting anyone's feelings.

[IrishFun69]

Originally Posted by Beck31

Thank you. I have known [name withheld] for a significant amount of time and have gone rounds sometimes but always managed to work things out.
I feel I nolonger need/want that kind of relationship and it I don't want to be rude about it but just need to move on without hurting anyone's feelings.

You're going to hurt feelings. I guess, try and be gentle. I know it hurts some people more than others, I guess I am just lucky not to have such an emotional side.

Other people seem to say, be honest but gently and caring. It can really fck some people up for a long time, but remember-if you are not happy it will end sooner or later

Best of luck OP

[Beck31]

Thanks.

[IrishFun69]

Originally Posted by Beck31

Thanks.

No prob buddy-you seem pretty level headed, may I get your input on my "Porn is cheating?" question?

Cheers.

[Beck31]

well i think that is an interesting question. if pornography is bieng used as a substitute for spending time with a partner then yes it is a form of cheating. Or if it affects the relationship in a negative way then again I would say it is cheating.

[IrishFun69]

Originally Posted by Beck31

well i think that is an interesting question. if pornography is bieng used as a substitute for spending time with a partner then yes it is a form of cheating. Or if it affects the relationship in a negative way then again I would say it is cheating.

There's no winning is there! Cheers.

[Beck31]

Originally Posted by IrishFun69

There's no winning is there! Cheers.

I do think you need to sit down with your gf and discuss it as a calm and rational couple. Good luck

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

Originally Posted by Beck31

A new year and I need to make fresh start. What is the best way to ween yourself off of someone who is not doing you any good emotionally? This person does not have an account here. Was met on a similar site called Lush btw.

The one time I tried weaning myself off of someone, it was completely unsuccessful at actually getting me away from them and I felt like I was leading them along once I'd made the decision to get out but hadn't completed extracting myself from the relationship. In the end I decided to switch to the tried-and-true "you are no longer part of my life, good-bye" approach. Is there a reason you want to wean yourself off of them instead of making a sharp break?

[Beck31]

Originally Posted by AdjectiveNounVerb

The one time I tried weaning myself off of someone, it was completely unsuccessful at actually getting me away from them and I felt like I was leading them along once I'd made the decision to get out but hadn't completed extracting myself from the relationship. In the end I decided to switch to the tried-and-true "you are no longer part of my life, good-bye" approach. Is there a reason you want to wean yourself off of them instead of making a sharp break?

I am not one to be able to cut someone off completely and/or simply walk away. I figured weening would be a good way. Talking to the person less and less a little step of the way until finally not talking/interacting at all. I figured it would be the easiest and gentlest way to end it.

[Noor]

I think walking away without a word is one of the worse things you can do to another person.

Talking to them less and less seems like one step removed. I think it is better just to be honest and say "this isn't working for me anymore" or "I don't want to do this anymore"

Who are you trying to wean? yourself or the other person?

[xjasminex]

Originally Posted by Noor

I think walking away without a word is one of the worse things you can do to another person.

Talking to them less and less seems like one step removed. I think it is better just to be honest and say "this isn't working for me anymore" or "I don't want to do this anymore"

I agree. You can't just simply disappear and leaving a big gaping hole of baggage.

You pay them the respect they deserve, sit them down and have an honest conversation. Say that you can't do it anymore and tell them exactly why it is (even if it's hurtful) without blaming anyone. The eventual outcome of your dropping them should be better for both of you if you're doing it, so if you can tell them why that is.

Whoever you break it of with deserves to be able to have some closure.

[Rainshine]

I don't think weaning works. I've never successfully navigated my way through a slow withdrawal, it's either all or nothing with me. Sometimes, sadly, even the most amazing things end up as nothing.

[heavyhitter01]

Originally Posted by xjasminex

I agree. You can't just simply disappear and leaving a big gaping hole of baggage.

You pay them the respect they deserve, sit them down and have an honest conversation. Say that you can't do it anymore and tell them exactly why it is (even if it's hurtful) without blaming anyone. The eventual outcome of your dropping them should be better for both of you if you're doing it, so if you can tell them why that is.

Whoever you break it of with deserves to be able to have some closure.

I agree: Everyone deserves closure.

Here's a story that might help. Several years ago, I dated a woman who decided it just wasn't going to work out. She sent me a long, detailed email and explained herself, and ended it with "please call if you want to talk."

That felt like a cop-out at first, but later I was grateful for her approach. It gave me time to process the disappointment, and gave me time to get past the shock and anger without having her right there in front of me. I did call her a few days later, we talked, and we wound up as friends.

My point is this: Even if you have to send her an email first, fine. If you have to do it over the phone, fine. It's better than nothing. But no matter what, be honest, and kind, and allow her to ask questions. She will be much happier in the long run because she has the closure, and you will be happier because you did the right thing.

[Noor]

The other thing is that relationships to some extent are a time and place thing, and sometimes later in life you realize that you might want that person in your life again on some level, so there is no point in burning your bridges.

Besides you never know what will happen in life, that person maybe someone who could be helpful in a bad time. Also word does get a around, you think you are in an isolated world, but few people really are.

[FrozenRose]

Originally Posted by xjasminex

I agree. You can't just simply disappear and leaving a big gaping hole of baggage.

You pay them the respect they deserve, sit them down and have an honest conversation. Say that you can't do it anymore and tell them exactly why it is (even if it's hurtful) without blaming anyone. The eventual outcome of your dropping them should be better for both of you if you're doing it, so if you can tell them why that is.

Whoever you break it of with deserves to be able to have some closure.

I agree. Everyone deserves to know for sure that you didn't just die or drop off the face of the planet.

Anyone who doesn't is disrespectful and a coward.

[Cookie123]

Originally Posted by xjasminex

I agree. You can't just simply disappear and leaving a big gaping hole of baggage.

You pay them the respect they deserve, sit them down and have an honest conversation. Say that you can't do it anymore and tell them exactly why it is (even if it's hurtful) without blaming anyone. The eventual outcome of your dropping them should be better for both of you if you're doing it, so if you can tell them why that is.

Whoever you break it of with deserves to be able to have some closure.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[njlauren]

I agree with those who say the other person needs closure. However you let them know, whether in person (the best IMO), or e-mail (and yes, leave open a more personal follow-up if you go that route), you should give them an idea why IMO, to let them down. If it is simply that the relationship isn't working, say so, tell her she is a great person (even if that is a white lie, it isn't a bad thing) but that things have changed and that it just isn't working for you, through no fault of anyone. Yes, it hurts, but when it is in the context simply of change, rather then blame, it is a lot easier IME. There is something else to consider, it may not be working for her either, only she is afraid to say something, have had friends of mine break up like that, both women and men, and had the other person tell them later they were thankful, because they realized it didn't work for them, either.