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Old 05-13-2005, 03:52 PM   #1
sxylegs
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How to not be a victim!

Hi.....

I am a very nice person. I sometimes let people walk all over me but I dont feel resentful or abused about it. Lately, because of the way my boyfriend acts, I am getting very resentful about his treatment of me. If I do something he doesnt like he will deny me sex. He also will not do anything that I want. It is making me act like a victim. I hate crying and being winey. I need to learn to be more aggressive. I know a lot will say get rid of boyfriend, but that still wont fix me. I need to change that behavior in me.........Help!!!

Thanks
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Old 05-13-2005, 03:56 PM   #2
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Well people are who they are, you may simply need to find someone who you can trust not to abuse your nature and who treats you in a manner you enjoy. (I know it's not what you wanted to hear :P) but unless any of us are psychiatrists we can't really offer and major insight to change to victim mentality, besides dumping that jackass. There really are decent guys out there. When something goes wrong in a relationship it's admirable to look to see if it's your behavior at fault, but if it isn't (which is clear) trying to change yourself might not be a healthy course of action. just my musings, I'm not good at relationship advice (besides being an unpartisan observer)
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Old 05-13-2005, 04:02 PM   #3
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I'm not entirely sure how serious your situation is...however, I would suggest that you check out this site, regardless:
http://www.bridgesnh.org/dv.htm
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Old 05-13-2005, 04:21 PM   #4
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I'll be a tad bit less gentle and go ahead and say if he's doing the things you list in your post, then you deserve someone who is going to treat you better.

I understand your thinking in saying that losing him won't change you, but I think that taking control would be a huge step towards improving your life.

Also, don't beat yourself up, this situation doesn't make you less of a person, it's how you handle it that defines you. Many people have allowed SOs to take advantage of them at some point in their past (myself included). There will always be those who will take advantage of kind and gentle people, and I think that is what is happening here (based only on the information here).

'You must accept responsibility for the things in your life that you can control.'
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Old 05-13-2005, 09:59 PM   #5
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I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but I'll share how I have and continue to stop the behavior in myself.
1) I work on my self-esteem constantly. There are tons of ways to do this, but I'd suggest doing some research and getting counseling to get started at least. The better and more capable I feel, the less likely I am to put up with people who treat me poorly.

2) I surround myself with people who are positive, supportive, and committed to my best interests. I don't hang around victims because I get sucked back into the cycle. I like people who are honest with me when they see me going down a not-so-great path, but support my choices and mistakes. One thing I've noticed about these people is when they do something hurtful, they take ownership and try to make it right instead using blaming or (passive) aggressive tactics. They also want an equitable relationships, and prove that through behavior.

3) I let people who treat me poorly or help me be a victim go from my life. When someone consistently exhibits thoughtless or abusive (in any way) behavior, or makes me feel bad, I recognize it and refuse to be a party to it. I tell myself 'I don't deserve to be treated this way, I deserve to receive the love and respect I freely give, and I'm not going to be a sucker in this relationship.' A lot of times I find that the person doesn't try to get me back because they've moved on in their search for someone who is easier to manipulate. Now that all seems harsh to me, and it's difficult to do, but I KNOW it's the right way to go, and I always feel empowered for refusing to be a part of it. And when I look around, I really am surrounded by family and friends who treat me as well as I treat them. So, I suppose I sort of set my internal meter on high alert, let relationships go even when painful or I don't want to, and come out in the right place in the end (if that makes sense?).
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Old 05-14-2005, 02:30 AM   #6
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sxylegs: you know, you can deny him sex, too. there's absolutely no reason to think that just b/c you aren't having sex w/ him that you can't have sexual release.

i know you didn't want to hear people say this, but seriously: you deserve more out of a relationship than that, b/c he's an asshole.

ed
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Old 05-14-2005, 03:54 AM   #7
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snap out of it, maybe hes a loser who knows nothing
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Old 05-14-2005, 07:13 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sxylegs
Hi.....

I am a very nice person. I sometimes let people walk all over me but I dont feel resentful or abused about it. Lately, because of the way my boyfriend acts, I am getting very resentful about his treatment of me. If I do something he doesnt like he will deny me sex. He also will not do anything that I want. It is making me act like a victim. I hate crying and being winey. I need to learn to be more aggressive. I know a lot will say get rid of boyfriend, but that still wont fix me. I need to change that behavior in me.........Help!!!

Thanks
Hi it is good to meet another nice person in here.

Just because your name is MATilda, does not mean you like everyones feet on your back.

If you are getting resentful and you want to stay with your boyfriend or have him stay with you, you need to start communicating with him about this, if you don't you will be bottling up the resentment till it explodes out of you for a minor event, and he still won't get the point, because by then you will want to kill him for what he has done over a long period of time.

DON'T LET IT GET THAT FAR.

Talk to him conversationally about it, point out that sometimes it would be nice if he could go along with your needs and ideas or look for some mutual ground before picking his ground to take a stand on.

If it doesn't work and he can't see how this is hurting your relationship, then he is probably the jerk he was always going to be, and there is not going to be a change you can make that will make it better.

Don't cry and whine if you can help it, he may try and mollify you to stop your tears, but guys don't use tears the same way girls do, it just confuses them and they struggle even more than normal to do something "right".

If you want to look at your relationships from the outside, I like the Venus and Mars books by Dr John Gray. He has some things that helped me understand some of the differences between the way men and women think, and showed me how to hear what my S/O was saying not just to listen to what I thought she ought to be saying.

I am no saint and I still make mistakes, but they are fewer and don't happen as often as they once did. It all comes down to communication though, so look to that as the area to change in yourself and the relationship, don't look to change it in your boyfriend, he has to change that in himself.

Good luck and let us know if any of it helps!
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Old 05-14-2005, 09:30 AM   #9
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I'm going to assume your not into this relationship to such a point that you can't get out of it. In the future you have to understand that people will do things that they can get away with with. If you allow it once and he knows it will work then in the future he will do the same thing to get what he wants. So start over with a nicer guy and work on yourself. You already know that you have the problem, so it is just a matter of working on yourself.
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Old 05-14-2005, 10:38 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezzy
Hi it is good to meet another nice person in here.

Just because your name is MATilda, does not mean you like everyones feet on your back.

If you are getting resentful and you want to stay with your boyfriend or have him stay with you, you need to start communicating with him about this, if you don't you will be bottling up the resentment till it explodes out of you for a minor event, and he still won't get the point, because by then you will want to kill him for what he has done over a long period of time.

DON'T LET IT GET THAT FAR.

Talk to him conversationally about it, point out that sometimes it would be nice if he could go along with your needs and ideas or look for some mutual ground before picking his ground to take a stand on.

If it doesn't work and he can't see how this is hurting your relationship, then he is probably the jerk he was always going to be, and there is not going to be a change you can make that will make it better.

Don't cry and whine if you can help it, he may try and mollify you to stop your tears, but guys don't use tears the same way girls do, it just confuses them and they struggle even more than normal to do something "right".

If you want to look at your relationships from the outside, I like the Venus and Mars books by Dr John Gray. He has some things that helped me understand some of the differences between the way men and women think, and showed me how to hear what my S/O was saying not just to listen to what I thought she ought to be saying.

I am no saint and I still make mistakes, but they are fewer and don't happen as often as they once did. It all comes down to communication though, so look to that as the area to change in yourself and the relationship, don't look to change it in your boyfriend, he has to change that in himself.

Good luck and let us know if any of it helps!
THanks for your input......I will get the book by Dr. John Gray.
I sat down with him and we talked for a good while. He seemed oblivious to what was going on. It was really funny when he looked at me and said that he was surprised that I had a problem because I was so laid back and mellow. I guess I need to speak up more. He was very receptive. I guess we shall see what happens.......I just need to get some backbone. And if things change then great and if they dont then I need to get a new boyfriend.
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Old 05-14-2005, 10:40 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetErika
I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but I'll share how I have and continue to stop the behavior in myself.
1) I work on my self-esteem constantly. There are tons of ways to do this, but I'd suggest doing some research and getting counseling to get started at least. The better and more capable I feel, the less likely I am to put up with people who treat me poorly.

2) I surround myself with people who are positive, supportive, and committed to my best interests. I don't hang around victims because I get sucked back into the cycle. I like people who are honest with me when they see me going down a not-so-great path, but support my choices and mistakes. One thing I've noticed about these people is when they do something hurtful, they take ownership and try to make it right instead using blaming or (passive) aggressive tactics. They also want an equitable relationships, and prove that through behavior.

3) I let people who treat me poorly or help me be a victim go from my life. When someone consistently exhibits thoughtless or abusive (in any way) behavior, or makes me feel bad, I recognize it and refuse to be a party to it. I tell myself 'I don't deserve to be treated this way, I deserve to receive the love and respect I freely give, and I'm not going to be a sucker in this relationship.' A lot of times I find that the person doesn't try to get me back because they've moved on in their search for someone who is easier to manipulate. Now that all seems harsh to me, and it's difficult to do, but I KNOW it's the right way to go, and I always feel empowered for refusing to be a part of it. And when I look around, I really am surrounded by family and friends who treat me as well as I treat them. So, I suppose I sort of set my internal meter on high alert, let relationships go even when painful or I don't want to, and come out in the right place in the end (if that makes sense?).
As alway, your input is great........I let a friend go that was causing me a great deal of stress......and I explained to my boyfriend that he would be next if we didnt come to some sort of agreement to what was needed in the relationship. I didnt realize how many people seem to use me and not take my needs into consideration........
Just wait till I start being stronger with my daughter. she wont know what is going on.

thanks and have a great weekend!!!!
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Old 05-14-2005, 10:43 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycphoto
I'm going to assume your not into this relationship to such a point that you can't get out of it. In the future you have to understand that people will do things that they can get away with with. If you allow it once and he knows it will work then in the future he will do the same thing to get what he wants. So start over with a nicer guy and work on yourself. You already know that you have the problem, so it is just a matter of working on yourself.
Is any relationship at a point where you cant get out of it? we are not married but we live together and have been together for over 4 years........things were great the first 2 1/2 years.....so I guess I can get out of it.......but would rather try to fix myself first.......and then see if he fits in the picture.......thanks for your help!!!!
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Old 05-14-2005, 10:50 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unafraid
I'll be a tad bit less gentle and go ahead and say if he's doing the things you list in your post, then you deserve someone who is going to treat you better.

I understand your thinking in saying that losing him won't change you, but I think that taking control would be a huge step towards improving your life.

Also, don't beat yourself up, this situation doesn't make you less of a person, it's how you handle it that defines you. Many people have allowed SOs to take advantage of them at some point in their past (myself included). There will always be those who will take advantage of kind and gentle people, and I think that is what is happening here (based only on the information here).

'You must accept responsibility for the things in your life that you can control.'
I agree entirely with what you say........Especially the last line. I was the victim of 2 abusive men and now I guess im more afraid to speak up.......I also let my daughter rage at me when she has a problem. I am trying to walk away from her at those times........I do believe that my daughter and boyfriend are wrong, but unless I raise up and speak and stop allowing people to treat me that way, I wont get any respect.....so right now they are on the outside.....I need to take care of me. I have an appointment for a councelor......and will give Dr John Grey's book to my boyfriend.........
Unless I accept my responsibility in this......they all will get away with it......I have to learn to stop this or the cycle will continue....

Thanks
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Old 05-14-2005, 06:21 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sxylegs
Thanks for your input......I will get the book by Dr. John Gray.
I sat down with him and we talked for a good while. He seemed oblivious to what was going on.
Here is a link to amazon' you can see there are a whole slew of Mars and Venus books from John Gray, I would start with "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships" that one, then look in your local library for others, when you find one you want a copy of, try ebay or your local thrift stores both have some of these in.

P.s. they are available in paper back or hardback...the hardbacks have a nice weight to them and so make good missiles for adding emphasis to a point that he needs to re-read the book.
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Old 05-16-2005, 11:08 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezzy
Here is a link to amazon' you can see there are a whole slew of Mars and Venus books from John Gray, I would start with "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships" that one, then look in your local library for others, when you find one you want a copy of, try ebay or your local thrift stores both have some of these in.

P.s. they are available in paper back or hardback...the hardbacks have a nice weight to them and so make good missiles for adding emphasis to a point that he needs to re-read the book.

Very funny........I felt the same way when I had to go to effective parenting classes because we got custody of my late husbands daughters. (the state made me go).....the only good thing to come out of those classes was a very large paperback book that was great to roll up and use to smack the kids on the butt......didnt really hurt....but made a good point. ....

Will check things out......thanks....

I stood up to him nicely, this weekend and he immediately backed down and said that he didnt know why I paid attention to him since none of his other girlfriends paid any attention to him......

See.....I dont understand why do something if you think you arent going to get a desired responce.......oh well......I guess that is why im here......

have a great day!!!!
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