WT: Mental Health Issues and BDSM - Can They Co-exist Happily?

Many of us here suffer some form of mental health issue, depression being one though there are also others. It is not confined to submissives or Dominants, nor is it always a situation the partner may have dealt with before, or the person suffering is fully aware of or in control of. For those of us who have to accomodate these conditions in our lives and play, how does it affect it? How do you cope? How does it make you feel knowing you are a sufferer and though you may wish otherwise, you know it is affecting play and/or your partner? How does it make the partner who does not perhaps have such a condition themselves feel? Is it something to seriously consider before becoming involved? If you knew then what you know now, would you have entered a BDSM or D/s relationship that had these issues to deal with?

Catalina

catalina_francisco said:

Many of us here suffer some form of mental health issue, depression being one though there are also others. It is not confined to submissives or Dominants, nor is it always a situation the partner may have dealt with before, or the person suffering is fully aware of or in control of. For those of us who have to accomodate these conditions in our lives and play, how does it affect it? How do you cope? How does it make you feel knowing you are a sufferer and though you may wish otherwise, you know it is affecting play and/or your partner? How does it make the partner who does not perhaps have such a condition themselves feel? Is it something to seriously consider before becoming involved? If you knew then what you know now, would you have entered a BDSM or D/s relationship that had these issues to deal with?

Catalina

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Depression is a major issue up here. (I think we should just put prozac in the water.) After a few years of struggle, i finally went on antidepressants. I am amazed who often it comes up in conversations around here. (so, i started lexapro this week, how is your wellbutrin going?)

Better living through chemistry.

Had it not been for the prozac...well lets just say things are pretty good when it is a Monsanto day. I hope to get to the point where i can moderate the depression through exercise and coffee, which some of my friends are successfully doing. but to do get off the meds, i have to make some major life changes. Which i am in the process of doing. So, chemistry and therapy, and stress reduction....well two out of three ain't bad.

Prozac isn't without downsides... one of which can be suicidal tendencies. No joke.

I could say something like "I'm schizophrenic, and we're fine about it", but I'm in two minds about whether that's an appropriate comment.

My whole family suffer from depression. Myself included, of course. I'm the only one who is into BDSM (although I have my suspicions about my late mother.)

At this stage, I think I would notice more of a clash between my BDSM interest and my mental health issues if BDSM were a larger part of my life. At this stage, as it's only infrequent (er, very infrequent) play sessions, I have noticed very little clash between the two.

On the other hand, I have had a session late last year with a submissive that ended with her basically telling me I was too much of a wuss (think soggy teddy bear), and that was largely because I was in the throes of a migraine when we played. So health in general can have an impact in my BDSM play, not just mental health.

I suspect if depression were a bigger issue with me, then I would struggle at times to maintain my "dominance".

I posted sometime ago about my depression, and don't plan to repeat the whole thing agian as you will simply fall asleep with boredom.

When my ex abruptly left earlier this year I felt suicidal, ill, sick and worthless. Having finally kicked the pills I went back to them briefly.
Then I got angry with myself, really bloody angry, to the point of screaming at myself (yes, really) for allowing such a person to take me back to a place I had worked hard to get away from.

In the end it was my friends who listened to my ramblings including Snowy, Grace & Dolf.

I still get days where I simply want to .... I don't know actually. Sometimes its cry, sometimes its stare into space, sometimes its wander aimlessly until i look around and find i am in the city and have to work out why I am there. Rarely now do i spend entire days in bed, sleeping. I think last year was the last time.

It does affect the D/s side of my life now and I realise it affected it when I was with him.
On bad days I was 'needy' an attention seeking person who would ring him but then not know what to say or do. It must have been tiresome for him.

Other times I would over compensate for bad days and be too happy, too much for even myself.

I guess its difficult to play with someone if they have such great extremes of mood, how can you plan a scene if you can't trust their reactions.

Now I talk to people on the web. Last month I made arrangements to meet one of them. The night before I backed out, I could feel the depression sneaking up on me and I knew I would either be bad company or foolish. The result was he persuaded me to meet him and it was a disaster. I felt I was fulfilling an obligation not out to enjoy someone elses company.

When I was with my ex, pain helped. I am not a pain slut but on bad days intense high level (for me) pain took my mind away from the immediate depression. The effect did not last but for a brief time it was a release.


Catalina you ask if I would enter a BDSM or D/s relationship knowing what I know now?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

The depression has helped to understand myself better and realise I am unhappier without D/s in my life; therefore it is something i seek.
The way I acted with my ex, when the depression evident, has shown me that I need someone who has time for me. Not just in the scene but on the other days when life ticks by.

I have discovered a strange twist in my psyche, when I am having a difficult day is that after a scene I do not want aftercare in any form at all. I want left alone. Then when I am ready I will return to him, almost as if the slightest caring touch would be sensory overload and I have no idea how i would handle that.

100's of threads say communication is the key to a BDSM or D/s relationship, but finding someone who can really understand the difference between a good day and a bad day and accept both is not something that happens overnight.
It comes from understanding the words spoken and the silences given.

I hope that my depression is over for now. The fact that i am off the tablets and have been in such a dark cold place yet have comeout of it gives me hope that I will not get to that point again. Or at least recognise the signs earlier.

I do know that without D/s life would be even more difficult to come to terms with.

Hmmm..well ok..so I am suicidal from time to time..still cut far too much and want to get high on painkilelrs again..plus there's the whole flashback and stuff baggage

This all makes a BDSM relationship even harder..all I can do is talk,talk and talk some more bout my problems with a possible Dom or friend..People must be aware how I may react in certain situations and how it should be handled not to frighten me even more...Been with S for 7 months now and he is still completely puzzled by some of my reactions..

So all in all maybe I really should lock myself up in a mental institution as one of my 'friends' advised me to...

I have OCD and general anxiety. It does affect all aspects of my life, including my bdsm relationships and play. Even with meds and therapy, I would never not tell a partner about my issues. While I rarely have raging anxiety attacks anymore, any person close to me would need to be aware of the possibility and how to handle me from their side. I've found that as a whole, people who don't suffer with a mental health disorder have a difficult time of wrapping their arms around the concept. They understand being somewhat depressed or highly anxious about something in their lives, but can't exponentially increase it to grasp how we feel. Telling me to calm down in the midst of one of my OCD rituals is like using an eyedropper to put out a building fire.

In BDSM terms, especially play, my partner is aware of "good" and "bad" days and what buttons to push (and more importantly NOT push). Patience is a virtue, and while I've gotten better at this part, I tend to question EVERYthing more than once which can wear the hairs on the ass of a saint. Put a dominant male who doesn't like to be questioned in that position and ...well, life is never dull


The positive side ...well, if I've made the choice to be submissive to someone, I trust them with that part of my soul and mind and it can make my life somewhat calmer and have the sailing a bit smoother. Getting to that point is where my biggest obstacles have been.

shay

shaymless said:

I have OCD and general anxiety. It does affect all aspects of my life, including my bdsm relationships and play. Even with meds and therapy, I would never not tell a partner about my issues. While I rarely have raging anxiety attacks anymore, any person close to me would need to be aware of the possibility and how to handle me from their side. I've found that as a whole, people who don't suffer with a mental health disorder have a difficult time of wrapping their arms around the concept. They understand being somewhat depressed or highly anxious about something in their lives, but can't exponentially increase it to grasp how we feel. Telling me to calm down in the midst of one of my OCD rituals is like using an eyedropper to put out a building fire.

In BDSM terms, especially play, my partner is aware of "good" and "bad" days and what buttons to push (and more importantly NOT push). Patience is a virtue, and while I've gotten better at this part, I tend to question EVERYthing more than once which can wear the hairs on the ass of a saint. Put a dominant male who doesn't like to be questioned in that position and ...well, life is never dull


The positive side ...well, if I've made the choice to be submissive to someone, I trust them with that part of my soul and mind and it can make my life somewhat calmer and have the sailing a bit smoother. Getting to that point is where my biggest obstacles have been.

shay

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I would have to..and did, tell my Significant Other about my depression, and the medications i am on. It helps her to know me, and it is just a part of being honest, which for me is becoming a Very Big Deal.

witcha said:

Hmmm..well ok..so I am suicidal from time to time..still cut far too much and want to get high on painkilelrs again..plus there's the whole flashback and stuff baggage

This all makes a BDSM relationship even harder..all I can do is talk,talk and talk some more bout my problems with a possible Dom or friend..People must be aware how I may react in certain situations and how it should be handled not to frighten me even more...Been with S for 7 months now and he is still completely puzzled by some of my reactions..

So all in all maybe I really should lock myself up in a mental institution as one of my 'friends' advised me to...

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Witcha ~ find other friends....

I deal with depression and hypomania, both which affect me as a person and a Dom.

When I'm depressed I often need to be taken care of myself, which is kind of tough for me sometimes. I don't mind being pampered and being cared for in superficial ways, but I impose a lot of pressure on myself to be the emotional rock in my relationships. I can get kind of closed off during my depressions because I don't want help from anyone.

My hypomanias (luckily I've never gone full blown manic on a partner) are different. I tend to be rather hypersexual as it is, but I get REALLY hypersexual when I'm in a high phase. I also get very agressive and agitated. All in all I think it can make for some hot BDSM style sex, but it can create major problems if my sub is not in the mood. Generally I stress the importance of surrender to my subs, largely motivated by the fact that they may one day meet a Marquis who will NOT back down, and will become a major problem if they don't surrender.

I haven't been in this position in a while, but I do feel bad that I can get this way in times inappropriate. Times where, if you didn't know I had a disorder, you would have to think I was the most callous person on Earth.

But I can't help it, there are times where everything seems like a fight, and fighting and fucking go hand in hand in my mind.

shy slave said:

Witcha ~ find other friends....

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Ohh trust me..we still talk..but his opinions means nothing for me anymore..

witcha said:

Ohh trust me..we still talk..but his opinions means nothing for me anymore..

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I don't know too much of your history Witcha, but I think I can say "been there, done that" on some of the issues you're dealing with. You really can't blame your friends, because honestly they're not obligated to be your shrink, and they really can't be. Whether or not you realize it, they probably do at some point.

Moreover you shouldn't feel the need to talk about your issues so much. If you do, could be they are more serious than you think and you need to do more than talking, or at least be talking to someone with the professional training and academic background to help you.

I still wonder why my friends weren't "there for me" more during rough times, and I have even more extreme feelings of neglect and rejection from my father, but the truth is, if I was bleeding to death or dying of cancer, could I get mad at them for not being able to help me? I believe mental health works much the same way.

I hope you find the courage to seek the help you need Witcha. It is something that is extremely difficult to do, and something I constantly struggle and misstep with, big bad Dom that I am.

I struggle off and on with depression. I'm also .. . well I'm not OCD, but just barely. I'm pretty anal.

How do I deal with it? I dunno, I guess I just have learned to accept myself as I am, and I handle it on a day to day basis. When I'm depressed I don't want to talk to anyone, or be talked to. I don't know what it is, but it's like . . .too much.

How does K deal with it? I have no idea, but he does a pretty good job. When when I'm depressed. He thought that cause I wouldn't go see a dr that I was full of it, and just lazy. He now knows that it's just cause I could care less, so he bullies me into going. As for the anal-ness (like when I'm organizing the cereal boxes at the store, or putting all the Keno tickets in alphabetical order?)? He just rolls his eyes, and gives me a 'look'. Frankly I know when I'm being anal, so I don't get mad at other people when they don't do things the way I think they should. If I can I just do it myself. When I can't do it myself, I'm normally sick enough to not give a damn.

Marquis said:

I don't know too much of your history Witcha, but I think I can say "been there, done that" on some of the issues you're dealing with. You really can't blame your friends, because honestly they're not obligated to be your shrink, and they really can't be. Whether or not you realize it, they probably do at some point.

Moreover you shouldn't feel the need to talk about your issues so much. If you do, could be they are more serious than you think and you need to do more than talking, or at least be talking to someone with the professional training and academic background to help you.

I still wonder why my friends weren't "there for me" more during rough times, and I have even more extreme feelings of neglect and rejection from my father, but the truth is, if I was bleeding to death or dying of cancer, could I get mad at them for not being able to help me? I believe mental health works much the same way.

I hope you find the courage to seek the help you need Witcha. It is something that is extremely difficult to do, and something I constantly struggle and misstep with, big bad Dom that I am.

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Thank you for your reply
I know I shouldn't rely on him so much..it's just that in the past..he was pretty much my shrink and tho I know I need professional help I hate it being stated by someone else than myself(I know I'm weird).

As for getting help- it's one of the reasons I wanna study psychology to sort out my own mind and help others too. I also want to go it in the UK as every uni there has at least one coucellor for students...which is a non exsisting thing here.. Besides..people here are a lil..close minded so if I even wanted to start seeing a psychologist here it could cost me my finals(based purely on BDSM parts of problems etc.)

And yes..I do hate asking for help..find it ohh so hard..but soon will have to face my own demons..

Marquis said:

CUT....


I still wonder why my friends weren't "there for me" more during rough times, and I have even more extreme feelings of neglect and rejection from my father, but the truth is, if I was bleeding to death or dying of cancer, could I get mad at them for not being able to help me? I believe mental health works much the same way.

I hope you find the courage to seek the help you need Witcha. It is something that is extremely difficult to do, and something I constantly struggle and misstep with, big bad Dom that I am.

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The fact is, most people have a very hard time dealing with the issues of others. I would not judge your friends too harshly for not being there. As the person who is often there, i find that more often than not, i am there alone with someone else. And not only that, i find i have to be with the friends who could not be there.

For me it is a privilege, but one that i expect will burn me out before it is all over. For others it is impossible.

My only suggestion is to find someone, therapist, friend, priest, minister, shaman, or bartender who will be there when you need them. Just dont expect them to be perfect, or have all of, or any of the answers.

My husband has OCD and panic attacks which he started getting treatment for in the fall. A few months later our therapist encouraged us to start exploring BDSM together.

I have no answers. What I can tell you is that when my husband takes care of himself all aspects of our lives are better. When he doesn't everything seems to unravel. I do try to help by reminding him to take care of himself, showing him how to recognize symptoms, and avoiding things and situations that can trigger problems. In the end though it's really up to him to do these things.

It seems kinda obvious when I think about it, but when he is taking responsibility for his issues he is a much better Top (and I'm a happy bottom/sub/whatever).

We're both depressive, though his is more chronic and mine is more episodic. Plus I have a chronic illness, which is what I'd consider good fodder for a depressive episode for both of us.

This has changed my opinion of how D/s best functions in my relationships...Like the Tao it's always there and "you can use it however you want." The bigger a deal I make of it and the more I push, however, the less effective it is at times when flexibility are required, so I've learned to let it just simmer under the surface for a while when our limitations are rising screaming to the surface, mine or his.

Confused enough to not know where to begin...

I deal with (in no particular order) clinical depression, bi-polar disorder, ADD, sleeping problems (either too much or not enough), anxiety and raging anger problems.

Does it affect me on a daily? Depression, yes. I like to fool myself into believing that I hide it well, but my friends might tell you otherwise. I know for a fact that at this point some aspects and causes of my depression deeply affect my sexual activity. I've been told by Luna that there have been moments when I blank out at a certain tone of voice or choice of words. Knowing that that happens and I'm unaware of it until I'm informed afterward scares the hell out of me.

The bi-polar affects me as well. I'll have an extreme "high" one minute and in the next I'm down, to the point where living doesn't seem worth it. Again with the trying to hide it and obvious problems in the bedroom. My mind can be with Luna one minute and out the window the next.

The sleeping issues tie in heavily with the depression and bi-polar, this I know. In that respect, yes, it affects me in bed and my relationship.

The anxiety and anger tie together for me. Yesterday (I think it was) I had a small breakdown. Everything built up to the point where my senses were heightened and the quietest sounds from OUTSIDE were irritating me. I tried to lay down and the blankets on my bed were twisted, and I nearly lost it in a fit of tears and rage. I thought I was losing my mind.

I was on meds for a time, Lexapro, Remeron (sp?), and Concerta. Concerta has a depressive agent in it, though what it is I'm not sure, and the Remeron did nothing but put me to sleep for 36+ hours. The Lexapro was only at 10 mg and did almost nothing.

Until I get my life together and myself back on meds and in therapy, I'll struggle, in the bedroom and out, to keep myself together.

Can mental health issues and BDSM co-exist? Maybe. I've no good answers.

BDSM works for me because as a submissive, I can let go and disappear from the world, and only have eyes for her at that point in time. It's a sacred release and something no one other than Luna has been able to provide in my short little life. When I can focus on the situation between her and me, then I know I'm free to let go and ONLY focus on that. When I submit, I'm there with her, but in a different form. I don't know how to explain that I have to hold on and let go at the same time, and by that I mean mentally and emotionally. Trying to let your whole self go and hold onto that point in time in the same instant is a struggle. While it saddens me even now to think that that's how I operate, at the same time I know that I would never be left to fall on my own.



.02

catalina_francisco said:

Many of us here suffer some form of mental health issue, depression being one though there are also others. It is not confined to submissives or Dominants, nor is it always a situation the partner may have dealt with before, or the person suffering is fully aware of or in control of. For those of us who have to accomodate these conditions in our lives and play, how does it affect it? How do you cope? How does it make you feel knowing you are a sufferer and though you may wish otherwise, you know it is affecting play and/or your partner? How does it make the partner who does not perhaps have such a condition themselves feel? Is it something to seriously consider before becoming involved? If you knew then what you know now, would you have entered a BDSM or D/s relationship that had these issues to deal with?

Catalina

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I suffer from clinical depression, uncontrollable rages as well as OCD (new diagnosis). That being said I do NOT cope well when I am depressed, in any sense of the word. Normally, when the depression kicks in (like it did very recently) I shut down. I don't feel, I don't think. My brain just screams escape and I try my hardest to do just that. Suicide is an option that I try to hide, even from myself.

What this means is I don't play...for days, weeks, months. My ex-Sir and my pets all suffer because I can't focus on anything. They all end up feeling as if THEY are at fault. That feeds my depression, making it worse...ending when I am as far down as I can go. It's a cycle that I have never been able to stop without intervention.

Basically, even though I consider myself and my relationships primarily BDSM in nature, I do not fully enjoy them. I terrify myself: my depression, anger, apathetic reactions, everything.

I do believe in full disclosure and everyone who deals with me (my girl Trini, my other P/T submissive Dawn or my ex-Sir) knows my problems, as I know thiers. It bothers me that I can not provide for them when they need me..(as my grrl has in the past) and yet, one can only focus on one thing at a time.

I wish to hell that I had learned to deal better with these problems but I haven't. I wish I had discovered BDSM a little bit later in life, but I didn't. I wish I could say with honesty that I would have stayed away from the life if I had known the amount of problems I would have had to deal with. I can't say these things because I know that (at certain times in my life) the rituals, the bruises, the beatings, submission and Topping have all helped to keep me far more focused than I would have been otherwise.

Yet, sometimes, I wish I could just close this part of me down and not require those same things which sometimes provide me with peace and clarity. It's scary and hard to admit, but it doesn't stop it from being true.

I haven't any answers, just my observations and even these are confused by the fragile sanity I have managed to hold on to since a week and a half ago after my last raging/depressed fit.

Luna

I've seen it work with some people, but I wasn't successful at it. I had a serious almost relationship this spring with someone, but they've excused themselves from that part of my life. It never got past the serious negotiation and gentle experimentation stage. I can't say I blame the person, really; I've got some seriously fucked up stuff going on right now. If I'm afraid of my my moods and hyperactive emotions and behavior, how can I expect another to deal with them? They felt that they could not handle me, that I'm too complex, that I haven't recovered enough from the abusive ex to be in a relationship. The emotional landmines were too much, I guess. I won't go into all that's up with me, too personal I guess, but well, I guess, while some people can handle their relationships with their troubled selves and their loved ones successfully, I'm taking it with a grain of salt right now.

Ask me again in a year how I feel and it'll probably change. Kudos to those of you who manage it.

snowy ciara said:

I've seen it work with some people, but I wasn't successful at it. I had a serious almost relationship this spring with someone, but they've excused themselves from that part of my life. It never got past the serious negotiation and gentle experimentation stage. I can't say I blame the person, really; I've got some seriously fucked up stuff going on right now. If I'm afraid of my my moods and hyperactive emotions and behavior, how can I expect another to deal with them? They felt that they could not handle me, that I'm too complex, that I haven't recovered enough from the abusive ex to be in a relationship. The emotional landmines were too much, I guess. I won't go into all that's up with me, too personal I guess, but well, I guess, while some people can handle their relationships with their troubled selves and their loved ones successfully, I'm taking it with a grain of salt right now.

Ask me again in a year how I feel and it'll probably change. Kudos to those of you who manage it.

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Never fear baby, I'm gonna dance with you.

I'll state the obvious and say that any mental illness will affect any BDSM one engages in because it affects every aspect of one's life. It's the same for vanillas.

Not true, my bipolar has never affected my...

wait a minute...

Just putting in my 2 cents...

I've suffered from panic attacks in the past, and had OCD as a child (it has 95% disappeared since my teenage years, and was mild to begin with.)

I think if there were a poll, many people involved with BDSM would be found to have abnormal mentalities. It certainly seems to me that many people on this board have mentioned depression at some point, along with other afflictions. I'm not sure why the correlation is there... perhaps it takes an out-of-the-ordinary mentality to embrace something as out-of-the-ordinary as BDSM. *shrug* Perhaps it is that Dominance and Submission are such extremes, and people who experience depression, anxiety, manical periods, etc are used to or drawn to extremes.

Anyway, my OCD is all but gone, and I haven't had a panic attack in a long time. I think I am one of those people that handle their own stresses badly (including worrying myself unnecessarily) but handle others' very well, especially when they are my SO.

Someone should do a poll on mental afflictions.. just to test the theory!

Killishandra said:

Just putting in my 2 cents...

I've suffered from panic attacks in the past, and had OCD as a child (it has 95% disappeared since my teenage years, and was mild to begin with.)

I think if there were a poll, many people involved with BDSM would be found to have abnormal mentalities. It certainly seems to me that many people on this board have mentioned depression at some point, along with other afflictions. I'm not sure why the correlation is there... perhaps it takes an out-of-the-ordinary mentality to embrace something as out-of-the-ordinary as BDSM. *shrug* Perhaps it is that Dominance and Submission are such extremes, and people who experience depression, anxiety, manical periods, etc are used to or drawn to extremes.

Anyway, my OCD is all but gone, and I haven't had a panic attack in a long time. I think I am one of those people that handle their own stresses badly (including worrying myself unnecessarily) but handle others' very well, especially when they are my SO.

Someone should do a poll on mental afflictions.. just to test the theory!

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I think it has more to do with the fact that people with pyschological problems are more likely to socialize online.

Marquis said:

I think it has more to do with the fact that people with pyschological problems are more likely to socialize online.

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No wonder you spend all day on Lit, Marquis!