BDSM Lifestyle?

My apologies if this has been posted before and I'm repeating a past thread, I did a quick search before posting and couldn't find anything.

Basically, what exactly is the BDSM 'lifestyle'? What I mean by that is do some people live the D/s life fully, 24/7? I was reading a rather good story in the sexual role playing section by StarvingHeart and SlickQuiver which seems to illustrate it quite well apart from the beginning section of the story which deals with 'abducting' a girl.

Do those who are subs call their Dom partner 'Master' etc. all the time, or just during sexual roleplay? Are they equal partners outside of this, i.e. can make autonomous decisions about buying a car, jobs, hobbies, etc.? Is the sub 'owned' by the Dom, having all or most decisions regarding their life made by their Master? Do subs really get punished if they 'disobey' their master, or say for example, aren't in the mood one evening? Will their Dom partner respect that they aren't in the mood, or will they get 'punished'?

Excuse the rather silly questions, I'm relatively new to this, and probably won't get into the BDSM lifestyle quite to that extent. And besides, my girlfriend is really quite bossy and normally the more assertive - the BDSM sexual roleplay we do is the only time that I get to dominate her!

Hi Dwayne,

I am new here too, and your girlfriend sounds alot like me Although I don't live with my partner full time, so my independence and stubborness comes from looking after myself and my children. I don't live the 24/7 lifestyle, my partner is my friend/lover/confidant in real time, but in those precious moments of intimacy I do call him Sir or Master. I'm not sure whether I could live the 24/7, I havent really got to that point of wondering yet. There was one time when we had a real time 'discussion' and he retreated for a few hours to kind of let me know and think. The feelings I got from that thinking time was so powerful, and on a totally submissive/dominant level, which kind of surprised me a little, but it was a nice feeling.

I guess at what level you take it depends on your needs, I havent at the moment got to a point of 'needing' the role all the time, but people change and situations change, so I never say never


My partner is naturally dominant, if he says we're going out-we are going out lol, and I find that quite refreshing (an exciting) that I don't have to make all the decisions.

Hope this helps.....oh and welcome BTW

Thanks for the welcome yin, and your comments.

Your situation is in some ways similar to ours, we don't yet live together either. Despite us both being in our mid-twenties, we both still live with parents as I'm still training to be a psychiatric nurse and money's too short at the moment. This does have it's problems, when during our play last night at her house, her mother called he down for something.....except at that time she was tied to the bed! Very annoying, time for our own place!!

What's rather confusing though is that she tends to be the more domineering of the two of us in general, I've treated myself to a nearly new iPod Mini off Ebay recently, when I tell her about it she'll probably go mad at me for wasting money or something, yet when it comes to sex I take the lead, and we both enjoy it immensely with me being the Dom and her the sub to be humiliated and me doing whatever I please to her.

I don't think we'd ever take it to the point where I was the Dom all the time, she's too domineering for that to happen anyway! Though she does enjoy a good couple of hours being a slut who needs punishing...

I'd be interested to hear from those who do live the lifestyle more than just a couple of hours at a time, that do live a D/s life too!

LOL I have a mental picture of you scrabbling to untie knots as fast as you can!

I think I understand where your G/F is coming from, because of the whole independence thing, the submission thing is a HUGE relief. This is why I called myself Yin and Yang on here, because there are two sides to me that contrast, the headstrong willful side, and the burst into tears submission one.

Maybe she feels that way about it?

YinandYang said:

LOL I have a mental picture of you scrabbling to untie knots as fast as you can!

I think I understand where your G/F is coming from, because of the whole independence thing, the submission thing is a HUGE relief. This is why I called myself Yin and Yang on here, because there are two sides to me that contrast, the headstrong willful side, and the burst into tears submission one.

Maybe she feels that way about it?

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Lol true, it was a mad panic! Very nearly put me off too, really spoilt the fantasy, but we soon got back into the, er, swing of things!

You may have a point about submission, I think she gets a buzz out of the slut/sex slave thing too.

Do those who like being a sub 24/7 feel this 'relief' about having decisions made for them as it takes the responsibility away from them? Or am I well off the reason (s)?

I'm not really here to be useful.

I just wanted to say that I like the way you Brits talk.

Okay, carry on now.

lol, are our accents coming through in what we're typing?

DwayneDibley said:

My apologies if this has been posted before and I'm repeating a past thread, I did a quick search before posting and couldn't find anything.

Basically, what exactly is the BDSM 'lifestyle'? What I mean by that is do some people live the D/s life fully, 24/7? I was reading a rather good story in the sexual role playing section by StarvingHeart and SlickQuiver which seems to illustrate it quite well apart from the beginning section of the story which deals with 'abducting' a girl.

Do those who are subs call their Dom partner 'Master' etc. all the time, or just during sexual roleplay? Are they equal partners outside of this, i.e. can make autonomous decisions about buying a car, jobs, hobbies, etc.? Is the sub 'owned' by the Dom, having all or most decisions regarding their life made by their Master? Do subs really get punished if they 'disobey' their master, or say for example, aren't in the mood one evening? Will their Dom partner respect that they aren't in the mood, or will they get 'punished'?

Excuse the rather silly questions, I'm relatively new to this, and probably won't get into the BDSM lifestyle quite to that extent. And besides, my girlfriend is really quite bossy and normally the more assertive - the BDSM sexual roleplay we do is the only time that I get to dominate her!

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Ok, here is my take on answering you....


Yes, some people do live the lifestyle 24/7, and are quite happy with it. Others only engage in it during intimate relations. Some only engage occassionally, when they are in the right mood. In short, it runs the gamut from a passing hobby for some, to a full time lifestyle for others.

Subs do not always call thier partner master, and not always out of active play. Most often where you see the submissive partner always refering to thier partner as master or sir ALL the time, that is a master and slave relationship, as opposed to a dominant and submissive relationship. Though this also is not a hard and fast rule.

As for the punishment question, it depends on the relationship and agreed upon limits. Not all BDSM involves punishment, nor physical pain. Most caring doms and even masters will respect when thier partner is not in the mood for play for various reasons, depending again, on the agreements and boundaries of the relationship.

As for your relationship with your girlfriend, I would say that a part of your play involves the exchange of power. In that in daily life your girlfriend tends to be the more dominant personality, while in the bounds of play, she is submissive to you, exchanging the power. Perhaps she is also a masochist, you may also be a sadist, though it is hard to judge with what little you have posted.

In all, enjoy, and welcome to the funhouse.

Welcome...always nice to see someone here who is closer geographically. We live a 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle. I think you will find there are many variations of all types of relationships depending on the people involved. Time is not on my side to post more in depth right now, but feel free to PM or ask any questions you might have in regard to our own personal style.

Catalina

@catalina, thanks for your input, I would welcome your views when you have more time!

I don't think we'll be going in for it 24/7 (my GF woudn't let me anyway, she likes bossing me about at other times!

I am interested though in getting the views/opinions on those who are in a D/s relationship 24/7, and how exactly it works.

DwayneDibley said:

lol, are our accents coming through in what we're typing?

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Yes, but charmingly I have a very good friend who is English, and it's the thing I love best about talking to him on the phone.

Someone British, might have been YinandYang, said 'scarpered' the other day, and that made me giggle

Nyte_BlackRose gave an excellent answer! I will try to add to it by describing what the BDSM lifestyle is for me, as I do consider myself to be in it rather than just playing with it. (There is nothing wrong with playing at BDSM! I just needed a way to define those who are kinky but don't consider it their lifestyle.)

I am in a poly triad relationship. My wife and I are basically just playing with BDSM, in that we pretty much restrict it to when we're having sex. We have been together for seven years, except for one summer when we were separated. That was when I started a relationship with the person who is my Daddy (that's a role, not a gender - see sig). We have been together for five years, but we live in different cities (DC and NYC).

I consider the relationship I have with Daddy to be TPE, total power exchange. We have never had a safeword, and I trust em implicitly to know what is appropriate for me and what I can handle. As I recently mentioned in another thread, I have been taught that my purpose is to be a tool for Daddy's pleasure, which means a number of different roles/activities but always with that in the forefront of how we relate, both in the bedroom and at all other times.

Now, this doesn't mean I have no choices, no decisions. If I'm in the mood for a movie I can say that, and we'll browse the listings together. If Daddy doesn't have a particular preference, I might get to choose; if there is a disagreement, though, I always defer to eir choice. I can also request things in the bedroom, too - I have asked for whippings, to be fucked, choked, slapped...I guess these are more violent than what vanilla couples might get into.

Now, what would it be like if we lived together? 24/7 M/s, probably, like Catalina and Francisco. If we could afford it, I would probably not be allowed to work, although Daddy has suggested that I might be allowed to just for fun. (I am a sign language interpreter, and I love my job, plus it is flexible - if I were a freelancer, Daddy could choose my schedule for me.) Would I be punished for disobeying? Yes, probably in the same way I am now for transgressions that happen while we are together.

I guess I've been long-winded enough already! That's what my version of the BDSM lifestyle (specifically D/s) is like.

I am by no means a great BDSM guru. I have been going through this lifestyle for 10 or so years. I have been in a part ime relationship for at least that long. We have went from a hobby as NYte said to as close to 24 7 we could get two young kids hampered some of it. She still calls me Master but becuase of her health it has been curtailled. I have found a lady who 24 7 is the path we will take. I look forward to all the newances of that so like you I am still learning. We never stop learning

I have been living with Master for 14 months now. I refer to Him as Master on these boards and when we are in the bedroom, but outside it I use His given name or pet names.

Because He has health issues I am His carer which means I am serving by taking care of medical needs and cooking, cleaning etc. I tend to defer to His wishes but He does test me a bit by seeing how much shit I will take before I will stand up for myself (yes I know that's not terribly submissive but He does not want a doormat!)

For us the relationship comes first, the BDSM second, though sometimes it intermingles and over the time we've been together it's evolved from just play into something much deeper. He is a caring Dominant and prefers to teach rather than punish (though both He and I enjoy spanking! )

Thanks for your replies everyone, keep them coming!

btw, if anyone's not sure about posting them here, then please do pm/email me your thoughts if you are more comfortable doing that.

my Master and i enjoy the dynamics of a D/s relationship 24/7. This is true regardless of where we are at any given moment. We do not limit D/s to the confines of our bedroom. By our definition, i am His, and that's the only label He is concerned with, although, many would say we fit the roles of Master/slave. He is 48 and i am 37. We both have our share of failed relationships (all of mine having been vanilla, His having been D/s) and as a result of those experiences had each come away with an understanding of KNOWING what we DO want and need as well as what we do NOT want nor need. We met on collarme.com in June 2004, while each searching for another who wants and needs exactly the same. Ours is a match made in heaven. We will be married VERY soon.

While we do discuss just about everything, in that He does want and value my opinions, He has the final decision regarding just about everything (i maintain equality in decisions and issues regarding my children of previous relationships for one example.). i refere to Him as Master at all times, yet i only address Him by that title privately. Although it feels odd for me to do so, when speaking of Him with others i refere to Him by His given name, Jeffrey.

Our D/s relationship is not limited to sex, and for that reason, D/s is a 24/7 thing for us. i am here to serve Him, to please Him in anyway He desires, and obey Him. i serve by caring for Him in relation to His health needs which include giving Him shots of insulin, bathing Him, & full body massages. i also provide Him with professional pedicures and facials, and haircuts & beard trimmings. i serve by taking care of the household chores, cooking and caring for the children. i am NOT allowed to do laundry anymore in that Master has stated that He is too selfish and would rather i spend the 3 hours each Saturday here at His side, available to Him. He now has our laundry picked up and sent out to be washed and dryed. i am a very lucky (spoiled?) slave, and quite appreciative to have such as 'selfish' & possessive Master. This D/s relationship certainly involves MUCH love for both.

i work 5 days a week as a cosmetologist (hairstylist/barber) for a well known national family haircare salon (Gotta Be the Hair. ). Some slaves are employed, some are not ... and in this D/s relationship, the bills must be paid. i'm certain Master would prefere i NOT work and with Him being disabled and incapable of working, & having three children, the extra income is needed.

To answer the question regarding 'being in the mood' and punishments, i don't think i have EVER been in my Master's presence and NOT been in the mood. He has no need to punish me in that respect. i have been punished for speaking disrespectfully, for stubborness, and once for outright disobedience It was the one time, and the LAST time that i have deliberately disobeyed Him. i now harbor a strong DISLIKING toward His favorite braided leather belt.

D/s is not limited to sex in this relationship. It is a present and active state of the heart, & mind, ... 24/7.

¸,ø¤º°sinn0cent°º¤ø,¸ proudly owned by, and devoted to INSIDEYOURMIND

Thanks for your thoughts all!

Sounds like it's a kind of 'consenting submission', someone who was unaware of the BDSM culture could see it almost as being an abusive relationship, however the main difference is it is between two CONSENTING adults who choose to live that way. Hypothetical question - if one person, especially the sub, decides that they don't want to live like that any more, and want to go back to a 'vanilla' relationship, or want to be on a more equal footing, will the dom let them? Or will it end in the relationship failing and the dom finding another 'slave'?

How is it for the submissive - is it either a turn on or a relief to not have to worry about making any decisions, as they are 'made' for you by your dom? i can understand the dom side, you have total control over this person, can do what you want to them (within agreed limits), a power thing.

It also sounds like you can't make a solid definition for most D/s relationships, as the goals seem to be set early on, and they are different for everyone. My and my girlfriend, compared to many here are merely 'dabbling' in it, with her submitting on (hopefully) quite frequent occasions for sexual reasons, right up to those who dominate almost all aspects of the sub's life, getting the whips and nipple clamps out for when the sub misbehaves.

Have I got that about right? Apologies for all the silly questions, I find many aspects of human behaviour quite fascinating!

howdy Dwayne

as you can see, you will get a wide variety of responses and interpretations. my response may be a bit different than most. i am a slave, meaning i am owned. i am also a submissive, and my Master/Owner is a Dominant. by Dominant and submissive, i am referring to our personalities, our natures (and not the d&s in BDSM). i'm naturally a subservient, eager to please kind of person, and he's naturally authoratative, a leader, controlling. because of this, we technically live a D/s lifestyle. and within that, we are Master/slave. our way of life is not BDSM. to us, D/s and BDSM are two drastically different lifestyles, tho aspects of one may be borrowed from the other. in our opinion, BDSM is more about activities whereas D/s is more about who you are...your personality, in or out of your sex life. BDSM as a lifestyle is not necessarily limited to sexuality or physical things, but is quite different from D/s as a lifestyle.

BDSM is an interest of my Master's, almost a form of artistic expression for him. He would not wish to have a relationship without it. but, BDSM does not define us or our relationship. we do not engage in "scenes", he is not a "top", i am not a "bottom". in many ways, we have an "old-fashioned" union...we believe a Man is the rightful Head of his household, and that a woman is to submit and obey him. the sole purpose of my life is to please my Master (i call him Daddy, Dad or Sir..never his name). i own nothing, have no money of my own, have no rights and make no significant decisions on my own. yes, i am physically punished when needed, but most often w/his hands, fists or belt...no fancy bdsm gadgets. sometimes he beats me just because he's had a bad day. our sex life is solely for his pleasure....so it is irrelevant whether or not i am "in the mood". i won't lie, there are times i am depressed, or upset or feeling physically unwell or whatever, and sex of any kind is the last thing i want. but i am to serve my Master always. refusing him anything is not an option. i do not work, but if i did my pay would simply go to Daddy. i cannot go anywhere or see anyone or have anyone in my life without his permission. i have a very strong fear of him, and this fear is part of what makes our union work. we love each other immensely, but we are not equals.

as for leaving this lifestyle.....i will always be submissive, that is something i can't control any more than i can control my skin color. likewise, Daddy will always be Dominant. as for being his slave, only he can release me. i have no right to leave him, ever...no exceptions.

@ownedsubgirl - an interesting and thought provoking reply. I have to admit when I first read your post about your relationship I thought that it sounded rather much like an abusive one - not allowed your own possessions, opinions, having feeling ridden roughshod and beaten for doing wrong, it had the hallmarks of that type of relationship.

HOWEVER... I then realised that you both most probably went into this as willing partners, these 'rules' were understood by both parties, and you both get out of the relationship exactly what you want - he is the dominant partner, and you're perfectly happy to submit to him in every way.

Is this the other side of the spectrum for D/s relationships - me and my girlfriend's dabbling in it is one side, and relationships like ownedsubgirls at the other? Or are they totally different animals - we like playing at bondage games, me tying her up and 'punishing' her but then reverting to 'normal', being BDSM, and then relationships where one partner dominates the other, no 'punishment' sessions as such, just one submitting to the other?

Sorry, think I'm waffling again!

Just as a counter to some of the other examples that people have posted...

I'm not in a BDSM "lifestyle". Nor am I ever likely to be. For me, a lifestyle is the focus of how you live your life, and my life involves work (too much), passions and hobbies, friends, lovers, family, etc. While BDSM is a fun thing I do on occasion.

Yes, I'd like to include more BDSM in my life, but that still wouldn't make BDSM my lifestyle.

My current relationship involves no power play. We are both alpha personalities, neither of whom can submit (which is a polite way of saying we're both stubborn buggers.) I'm more into BDSM than she, but I've managed to introduce her to the joys of having a willing submissive to play with.

My understanding around some of your other questions are that it will depend on who you talk to as to the answer you receive. Basically, I could imagine a BDSM lifestyle that didn't use Master/Mistress/sub/slave/Sir/Ma'am/Blah/blah... the terms are personal preference. Also, the level of commitment and integration with life will vary from person to person. There's no "one size fits all".

So don't feel left out in not living a BDSM lifestyle. There are many of us who enjoy BDSM but for one reason or another choose not to live it as a lifestyle. Welcome to the club!

And neither should you feel left out, Fungi! We love you dearly. http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/heart.gif

Etoile said:

We love you dearly. http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/heart.gif

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That explains the screams when I open the telephone bill

I think I'm back to stalking you...

@fungiug - you're philosophy on it echoes mine. I too see it that way, not as a 'lifestyle', but a part of our sex lives. Both me and my GF have work, hobbies, friends, pastimes etc. that we enjoy. She also tends to be the dominant one usually, I'm usually the one in trouble for something! I think she likes submitting to me sometimes, and having me do what I want to her for a while. And I enjoy that immensely too, it's a huge turn on for the pair of us. Then, afterwards, it back to 'normal' again.

I'm also interested in how those who do live the 'lifestyle' view it also, and if those more into the lifestyle part of it do have pastimes and friendships with others outside of that BDSM relationship. I guess I'm trying to understand those who have their life and everything they do dominated by another person, calling them 'master' all the time etc. Is it like a 'relief' to not have to worry about making decisions, having someone do it all for you and making decisions?

My lifestyle

I live in bondage--fulltime--so it is very much the alpha and the omega of my life.