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Polyamory

Marquis

Marquis

Jack Dawkins
Joined
Jul 9, 2002
Posts
10,462
I have long been interested in having multiple submissive play partners. If I were to ever get the opportunity, I wouldn't want to fuck it up.

I am speaking specifically of an Mff situation. Does anyone have any experience with this? What issues arise?
 
How did I know this was going to happen.

What's wrong with fresh ideas and new conversation?
 
Marquis said:
How did I know this was going to happen.

What's wrong with fresh ideas and new conversation?
Click to expand...
What's wrong with asking your question in a thread that already exists?
 
Marquis said:
Touche.

Lack of customized attention perhaps.
Click to expand...
Not a biggie. i'll bet if you ask Des sweetly, or dragonlace (when she's around), or even seldom seen kayte, you'll get all the answers you want ... in spades.

In the meantime, here's some reading if you like. Click me.
 
I'm in an open relationship, which works well enough for me and my slave, but I'm not polyamorous in the sense of multiple long-term relationships.
 
Try to get ahold of a copy of The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardey. It's a pretty good book on all the things you have to consider in poly relationships, and they've both been in the Lifestyle for decades.
 
CutieMouse said:
Try to get ahold of a copy of The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardey. It's a pretty good book on all the things you have to consider in poly relationships, and they've both been in the Lifestyle for decades.
Click to expand...

I will check it out, thanks!
 
I'm in a mFF relationship, but I'm the submissive to a FF couple, does that count?

So far the only problems have been finding a second boy, I guess I set the bar very high :D
 
People talk a lot about bdsm harems but I've seldom seen them work in real life. Read the Triage thread near this thread--some variation of that is what usually happens. If you do try this Marquis, try if at all possible to pick women who aren't interested in falling in love with you, who see this more as a sexual adventure rather than as a romantic adventure. I'll think you'll have the best chance of success that way, although even in super casual situations intensely submissive women seem to find ways to get their feelings hurt. For instance one will think you're giving more attention to the other: beating her more or fucking her more and get hurt and not say anything about it and then start acting out. It's hard to avoid that kind of shit. If you ever do succeed at it, let us know. :)
 
I am involved in an open BDSM based relationship. My Sir has multiple partners (both nilla and submissive). The only thing we discussed beforehand is that I must be the most important female..the primary relationship. (as this is a long term relationship for the both of us).

Of course, this would not be nearly as easy if I weren't also involved in a grrl/grrl relationship of my own, which requires no sharing with Him. As others have said, it is easier with those who do not require the emotional attachment but even that particular problem can be worked around.
 
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Multiple casual play partners works fine but serious polyamorous relationships are probably doomed due to the emotions which are aroused but hidden until it's too late.

Oh, they start well with the best intentions, lots of communication and bending over backwards to be thoughtful & loving to all, but at some stage there will be a two & a feeling left out third and the problems begin. Basically, 2 women in one kitchen doesn't work.

The voice of experience, yes. I'm not a jealous person and have attempted to live this way 3 times. I don't believe that anyone living this way is completely happy & satisfied with the arrangement & if they say they are then they're not being completely honest.
 
There are problems with poly relationships, but there are problems with any relationship. The important thing in poly/multiple/open/pyl is to recognize that the problems that come up are different, and they have to be addressed differently than in monogamous relationships. It really is as simple as that. You can't deal with poly with the same mindset that you deal with monogamy. You'll fail if you do.

In my experience the MOST important thing to recognize is whether or not you (as a man and Dominant) and the women, have a poly mind set. Some people are monogamous and some people are polygamous. It is a mind set just like being dominant or submissive. Some self-exploration is really necessary to make it work.

You're never going to keep a submissive happy who is only putting up with multiple partners, but really monogamous. You also won't find that casual play works with a sub that has a monogamous mind set. It just isn't the kind of mind that works well in open and/or poly relationships.

You'll find oftentimes you will attract at least one aggressive woman who considers all the other women competitors, and they are challenged by the situation. But their real goal is to win, to be the last woman standing (or kneeling as the case may be). A competitive sub needs to win over all the others in order to have a sense of value. That winning is seen as an achievement and will make her feel good about her submission and her value. This has nothing to do with romantic love, or even sex.. it's about self esteem. I've never seen a casual/open situation that did not attract at least one of this type.

You also aren't going to keep a couple of poly minded submissives happy if you are not really a polyamorous Dominant yourself. You have to know what you want and not just be keeping your options open. There is a difference between a monogamous man who is keeping his options open and a polyamorous man who is just using his will to create the world he wants to live in. You'd better know which category you fall into so you can know how to talk to your subs. This is the MOST important thing you as the Dominant has to do. You have to truly know what you want.

My only advice here, is to really know yourself. Then to take responsibility for who you are. If you want an open relationship then state it up front and be ready to deal with the problems that come up. If you are polyamorous then state that up front and deal with the problems that come up. If you a monogamous then state that up front and deal with those consequences. First be honest with yourself.

Then demand the same of the submissives. They have to know the truth about themselves and accept it. Live it. Even if they are not lovers, (with you or with each other) and don't want to love you, there are still issues that come up.

Time is one of them.

I've found the # one problem to be the issue of TIME. Time becomes regulated by the theory of scarcity and 'supply and demand' results accordingly. Remember that always. Even if you get all the right people, and they all at least respect each other, there will still be a TIME issue.

If you want to have several subs and never have them bicker over time spent, then you should stay away from this kind of relationship. It comes up. It is a fact of life in open and poly relationships. It won't go away even if you command it. They might be quiet if ordered, but it will be there, and it will bite you in the ass in the long run. Like I said it is the theory of scarcity and 'supply and demand'. Read up on that, you'll need to understand it.

Unless you come up with a way to handle this problem you'll become frustrated and it will probably fail. Everyone needs to understand and ACCEPT how time spent will operate. I don't mean Tuesdays is yours, and Wednesdays is hers.. I mean you have to set up a system for subs to vent about this issue when necessary, and you have understand that it is real, not just some female whining or sami sub behavior. It is one of the unique issues with multiple relationships.

AND, If you think communication is needed in D/s, multiply that by a factor of 10 and you'll have what it takes to make poly work.

Have fun!

~ cait
 
*golf clap to Cait* :D

My best friend and I were in a poly relationship briefly. It was a rare thing- because we were lovers, shared a lover, and everyone stayed dear friends when it ended. Our mantra? "It's not a competition" LOL But even with as well as we communicated, as much as we all loved each other... it was a massive pain in the ass. The ethics and communication skills needed to create a poly relationship are rare indeed.
 
Excellent, excellent post Cait.

I am the newest "addition" in a poly family that has been going strong many years. I have been collared to my Domme for a year now, and we were play partners before that for many years. The complexity of the relationships withen our family is amazingly complicated sometimes, but it is also rewarding. We all meet each others' varied needs, and it takes an enormous amount of effort and communication to keep it healthy...something I am still learning to do. The biggest issue as Cait mentioned is actually time, especially since I am long distance as of right now to my Domme.

Make no mistake, being in a poly relationship is a learning process. Learning about each other, learning about communication, learning about trust and time management and handling jealousy and recognizing feelings and...and...I could go on and on. Can it work? Yup, it can...I am proof of that. Can it fail? Yup...I'm proof of that too, having been in two failed poly relationships. Both of them I asked for release from because my partners were not as committed to learning and growing in the relationship as I was. You know that corny old saying "There is no I in Team"? It fits this topic well.

There are many types of poly relationships too, and each type will have different dynamics to consider and work around. In my case, I know my Domme's other sub, I know her lover, I know my Domme's top, I know her sub's sub (confused yet?) etc. We are all close friends that genuinely care about one another. Some of us play multiple roles to the same people. We have our fights, we all get hurt sometimes, but in the end our love for one another on a very basic but very strong friendship level wins. This I beleive, is what has kept the family going healthy for so long.

Would I recommend this to others? Probably not. But it works for me and if you really want it to work for you, there is no reason it can't. The odds are against you, but it's up to you to change that through your ability to handle the dynamics of it and the others in the relationship as well. One thing I can advise is to be extremely thorough and picky about who you are in this type of relationship with. A poor judgement can ruin not only that relationship, but other existing ones as well.
 
TaintedB said:
People talk a lot about bdsm harems but I've seldom seen them work in real life. Read the Triage thread near this thread--some variation of that is what usually happens. If you do try this Marquis, try if at all possible to pick women who aren't interested in falling in love with you, who see this more as a sexual adventure rather than as a romantic adventure. I'll think you'll have the best chance of success that way, although even in super casual situations intensely submissive women seem to find ways to get their feelings hurt. For instance one will think you're giving more attention to the other: beating her more or fucking her more and get hurt and not say anything about it and then start acting out. It's hard to avoid that kind of shit. If you ever do succeed at it, let us know. :)
Click to expand...

Triage thread, humble comment only please...

Sadly, I did not go into this interested in falling in love, it was his slave who insisted I was in love with him two months after meeting him. He touched me where no others have, they both did. I had not felt the extremes of trust nor let someone that far into my life and mind, get to know me as well as I had both of them.
After statements and being told to say meditations every day about them being my true friends, she...my best friend and sisterslut, I did begin to lose some perspective but I always remembered my place. She was his slave and I a playmate to learn what is taught.
It did sadden me to feel in the end no discipline, no control issued except for play, it was more to please me and to teach me at the same time, not to please him, not to serve him as it used to be.
It was withdrawl from them, mainly her and nothing being said which confused me, to me this is not being completely honest and she was not honest with me from the beginning, this saddened me also.
She was not also honest towards him, this is what tore me and us apart, she wished for me to hide this. Everytime they got in a fight, she was adamant to me that he abused her. Coming from a very abusive life (and she knew this), this was not my best feature.
There were many factors which induced me to take the drastic measure I chose in the end. He gave me a set of 5 rules that if were broken would be cause for immediate dismissal, lying was the least hurtful and least destructive, but I had hoped it would cause dismissal. It didnt even accomplish this...sighs. I did try to leave two times previous, with each of their huge fights...to no avail.
Communication and honesty between all are very important factors if others are to be involved. My say would be to let everyone know where they stand and listen, pay heed to all.
 
AngelicAssassin said:
Not a biggie. i'll bet if you ask Des sweetly, or dragonlace (when she's around), or even seldom seen kayte, you'll get all the answers you want ... in spades.

In the meantime, here's some reading if you like. Click me.
Click to expand...

It ain't for everybody. There's alot more to it than just having several women around to play with. Let's just say I won't venture into another poly relationship again. It's too damn hard and I'm high maintenance. I need more time/attention from my dominant partner than is available when he has more than one sub. Fantasy and reality are not always the same thing.

This is no reflection on Snooze and Lacy, who I will always love and care for.
 
Desdemona said:
It ain't for everybody. There's alot more to it than just having several women around to play with. Let's just say I won't venture into another poly relationship again. It's too damn hard and I'm high maintenance. I need more time/attention from my dominant partner than is available when he has more than one sub. Fantasy and reality are not always the same thing.

This is no reflection on Snooze and Lacy, who I will always love and care for.
Click to expand...

LOL, no problem being a high maintenance woman....I am sure I fit that category well and to contemplate adding others long term and semi permanent to permanent is a recipe for disaster...there are just some things no amount of wishing to please and obey can overcome.

Catalina :rose:
 
Caitlynne said:
There are problems with poly relationships, but there are problems with any relationship. The important thing in poly/multiple/open/pyl is to recognize that the problems that come up are different, and they have to be addressed differently than in monogamous relationships. It really is as simple as that. You can't deal with poly with the same mindset that you deal with monogamy. You'll fail if you do.

In my experience the MOST important thing to recognize is whether or not you (as a man and Dominant) and the women, have a poly mind set. Some people are monogamous and some people are polygamous. It is a mind set just like being dominant or submissive. Some self-exploration is really necessary to make it work.

You're never going to keep a submissive happy who is only putting up with multiple partners, but really monogamous. You also won't find that casual play works with a sub that has a monogamous mind set. It just isn't the kind of mind that works well in open and/or poly relationships.

You'll find oftentimes you will attract at least one aggressive woman who considers all the other women competitors, and they are challenged by the situation. But their real goal is to win, to be the last woman standing (or kneeling as the case may be). A competitive sub needs to win over all the others in order to have a sense of value. That winning is seen as an achievement and will make her feel good about her submission and her value. This has nothing to do with romantic love, or even sex.. it's about self esteem. I've never seen a casual/open situation that did not attract at least one of this type.

You also aren't going to keep a couple of poly minded submissives happy if you are not really a polyamorous Dominant yourself. You have to know what you want and not just be keeping your options open. There is a difference between a monogamous man who is keeping his options open and a polyamorous man who is just using his will to create the world he wants to live in. You'd better know which category you fall into so you can know how to talk to your subs. This is the MOST important thing you as the Dominant has to do. You have to truly know what you want.

My only advice here, is to really know yourself. Then to take responsibility for who you are. If you want an open relationship then state it up front and be ready to deal with the problems that come up. If you are polyamorous then state that up front and deal with the problems that come up. If you a monogamous then state that up front and deal with those consequences. First be honest with yourself.

Then demand the same of the submissives. They have to know the truth about themselves and accept it. Live it. Even if they are not lovers, (with you or with each other) and don't want to love you, there are still issues that come up.

Time is one of them.

I've found the # one problem to be the issue of TIME. Time becomes regulated by the theory of scarcity and 'supply and demand' results accordingly. Remember that always. Even if you get all the right people, and they all at least respect each other, there will still be a TIME issue.

If you want to have several subs and never have them bicker over time spent, then you should stay away from this kind of relationship. It comes up. It is a fact of life in open and poly relationships. It won't go away even if you command it. They might be quiet if ordered, but it will be there, and it will bite you in the ass in the long run. Like I said it is the theory of scarcity and 'supply and demand'. Read up on that, you'll need to understand it.

Unless you come up with a way to handle this problem you'll become frustrated and it will probably fail. Everyone needs to understand and ACCEPT how time spent will operate. I don't mean Tuesdays is yours, and Wednesdays is hers.. I mean you have to set up a system for subs to vent about this issue when necessary, and you have understand that it is real, not just some female whining or sami sub behavior. It is one of the unique issues with multiple relationships.

AND, If you think communication is needed in D/s, multiply that by a factor of 10 and you'll have what it takes to make poly work.

Have fun!

~ cait
Click to expand...


Words of wisdom too many think they can negotiate past or overlook the reality of ...excellent post Cait.

Catalina :rose:
 
catalina_francisco said:
LOL, no problem being a high maintenance woman....I am sure I fit that category well and to contemplate adding others long term and semi permanent to permanent is a recipe for disaster...there are just some things no amount of wishing to please and obey can overcome.

Catalina :rose:
Click to expand...

Exactly. And let me just add my support to Caitlynne's excellent post as well. It's reality based.
 
How have so many of you been involved in poly relationships? How have they come about?
 
The first poly relationship I was in, he had a slave before I came into the picture, and he collared 4 others at the same time as me. It was a pathetic mess and didn't last long at all until I, even in my newbie/naive state, realized his only interest was being able to claim he had his own harem. I was the first to leave...all the others have left him since as well, even his wife/slave.

My second started out monogamous, although I was not collared to her. It wasn't something she wanted, she felt that our relationship was strong enough that we shouldn't need a symbol like a collar. I disagreed, I didn't want it THEN, but I wanted it to be a possibility. So that was kind of a rocky area with us to begin with. Then she re-discovered her bottom side (she was a bottom to start with) and found a top. So it wasn't necessarily Poly in a traditional sense since I was her only bottom, but I didn't feel secure in the way she balanced the two which caused problems, and we ended up just agreeing to be friends, and still are.

The relationship I am in now has been a solid Poly for many years. My Domme has two other subs, one is online only...they have been together 5 years or so I think. Her other sub lives in the same city as her and they have been together many years too, at least 4 I think. I know her very well and get along with her very well..she tops me in play sometimes as she is a switch and has a sub of her own. D and I have been good friends for many years and played together many times and I had long wanted to belong to her but never thought there was room in the family for me. I was wrong :) When my previous relationship broke up, she was there for me in the hard time (any ended relationship has periods of hurt and confusion) and we naturally grew closer. She collared me a few months later, and we've been together almost a year now. At first I was hesitant to go into another poly relationship based on my previous experiences and my personal preferences, but our connection was so strong, and I have so much respect for her other sub that I felt it was worth sacrificing my preferences if it meant being able to be with her, and I was right.
 
serijules said:
The first poly relationship I was in, he had a slave before I came into the picture, and he collared 4 others at the same time as me. It was a pathetic mess and didn't last long at all until I, even in my newbie/naive state, realized his only interest was being able to claim he had his own harem. I was the first to leave...all the others have left him since as well, even his wife/slave.

My second started out monogamous, although I was not collared to her. It wasn't something she wanted, she felt that our relationship was strong enough that we shouldn't need a symbol like a collar. I disagreed, I didn't want it THEN, but I wanted it to be a possibility. So that was kind of a rocky area with us to begin with. Then she re-discovered her bottom side (she was a bottom to start with) and found a top. So it wasn't necessarily Poly in a traditional sense since I was her only bottom, but I didn't feel secure in the way she balanced the two which caused problems, and we ended up just agreeing to be friends, and still are.

The relationship I am in now has been a solid Poly for many years. My Domme has two other subs, one is online only...they have been together 5 years or so I think. Her other sub lives in the same city as her and they have been together many years too, at least 4 I think. I know her very well and get along with her very well..she tops me in play sometimes as she is a switch and has a sub of her own. D and I have been good friends for many years and played together many times and I had long wanted to belong to her but never thought there was room in the family for me. I was wrong :) When my previous relationship broke up, she was there for me in the hard time (any ended relationship has periods of hurt and confusion) and we naturally grew closer. She collared me a few months later, and we've been together almost a year now. At first I was hesitant to go into another poly relationship based on my previous experiences and my personal preferences, but our connection was so strong, and I have so much respect for her other sub that I felt it was worth sacrificing my preferences if it meant being able to be with her, and I was right.
Click to expand...

So this first guy, how was he able to collect so many subs? He must've been Prom King or something huh?
 
Marquis said:
So this first guy, how was he able to collect so many subs? He must've been Prom King or something huh?
Click to expand...

He talked the talk and walked the walk. Awhile back I ran into a post he made on some site in regards to a pretty serious question...I can't recall the content now: I remember reading his reply and thinking to myself, "It's no wonder so many subs were so attracted to him." He comes across as very knowledgable, very confident, very secure. He has a big toy bag and an even bigger ego...he acts so sure of himself and his skills that you just automatically assume he is as good as he claims. He knows what to say and how to say it to get subs to melt in his arms or at his words. He is/was well known in many circles. You tend to put trust in people easier when they are well known and forget that well known doesn't mean they are well respected, or even deserving of any respect at all.

He has a new one now...I feel sorry for her. She'll figure it out eventually.
 
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