Punishment

I have been talking to a Dom online for about a year, he was someone I turned to when ex suddenly stopped talking to me.
Over last few weeks we have started a tentative relationship. He is into mind fucks he is a hard Dom who is into mental control. Have already endured harsh mental punishment from him over a transgression.
One rule is that when i am at home and talking to him the web cam is on and I should be naked.
Last night was talking online to him when suddenly the lights in my house went out. it was 2am and i was scared someone may have broken in.
I panicked and typed online that i was scared and did not know what to do.
It took couple of times for him to believe what had happened.
To cut long story short I found trip switch and sorted lights.
Returned to online to let him know it was dealt with.
All he fixated on was I had re-dressed to do this and had not undressed on return to talk to him.
He did not ask if I was ok, but he did say I should not be frightened of the dark (I am terrified of it) and this would need to be addressed.
He continued to profess his anger at my not being undressed to talk to him.
He told me to go to bed and he was angry with me.


Have talked this through with Dolf and she suggested posting her to ask for your views on it.
Should i have expected more support from him for example his ringing me whilst i was afriad to reassure me or allowing me to remain dressed.

I did explain to him it was not my intention to anger him but was a safety issue and then I simply forgot i was dressed.

I felt I needed his care and concern last night not punishment.
Am i being reasonable or if someone wishes to be MAster of you does that override other aspects. I should not have forgot even though I had been scared, the being scared was over.

I would like to know the thoughts of those Dom/Mes who take a hard line with their pyls as to whether they think this man is an idiot control freak or someone making their point that they are paramount at all times.

Thanks S

PS Six months ago I would have known the answer but emotionally I still wobble because of the ex.

Personally I think there's a time for being a Master, and a time for being supporting to your sub/partner. In this situation I would have made sure that you were okay after having getting the lights back on. Once that was sorter, I would have wanted you to strip for me in front of the camera

My opinion is that he's a little too fixated on the power trip, and too little interested in your well-being.. which may have just been selfishness on his part, or even (if I'm looking on the benefit of the doubt side) just relief that nothing was truly wrong coming out in an odd way.

If you haven't already, discuss with him how you felt when he ignored your fears and the very real possibility of a problem/threat... if it was just a mistaken reaction, he should be capable of admitting to it or discussing the evening in a reasonable way.

If he can't discuss it reasonably, well.. if it was me, I'd probably tell him not to let the doorknob hit him where the good lord split him. I don't really want to let someone discipline or punish me who is self-absorbed and disinterested in my physical and mental well-being.

the lights go out, the back door is unlocked (because silly you left them at work ), you need to go outside to fix the trip and you're really scared.

i just think that at this point your welfare is more important than proving a point about control.
there could have been someone in/outside the house and you were genuinely scared.

shy slave said:

... One rule is that when i am at home and talking to him the web cam is on and I should be naked.

... and had not undressed on return to talk to him.


... but he did say I should not be frightened of the dark (I am terrified of it) and this would need to be addressed.

... He continued to profess his anger at my not being undressed to talk to him.
He told me to go to bed and he was angry with me.


I would like to know the thoughts of those Dom/Mes who take a hard line with their pyls as to whether they think this man is an idiot control freak or someone making their point that they are paramount at all times.

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i'll take the counterpoint, but need a little more information. You had confirmed the breaker box caused the issue, correct? i sympathize with your getting the rug yanked out from underneath you by the sudden loss of lights, but i want to make sure i understand. If i'm reading this correctly, you realized you didn't have an intruder, just a surge at the house that kicked lights off line.

If that's true, let the beating begin.

Not knowing him personally, though reading your words and relating to your state of mind at the time, it seems perhaps he was trying to show his dominance but forgot part of that dominance can be compassion, understanding, and support. He could have chastised you for forgetting but demonstrated his ability to understand the situation and show you he could be trusted to give support with strength as opposed to hardsell coldness. And yes, he could also have showed he was concerned for your safety. One thing that stood out for me was his lack of trust in your telling him what was happening...basically if that were me and I had been communicating with someone for a year, even online, I would expect them to know me well enough to believe what I was saying...to me it is an issue of trust and respect, but none of us are perfect and perhaps he needs more experience or to feel more secure about his role and ability to wear it.

Catalina

AngelicAssassin said:

i'll take the counterpoint, but need a little more information. You had confirmed the breaker box caused the issue, correct? i sympathize with your getting the rug yanked out from underneath you by the sudden loss of lights, but i want to make sure i understand. If i'm reading this correctly, you realized you didn't have an intruder, just a surge at the house that kicked lights off line.

If that's true, let the beating begin.

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Yes thats right AA, no intruder just a power surge.

shy slave said:

Yes thats right AA, no intruder just a power surge.

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BUT at the time it was happening you didn't know that.

catalina_francisco said:

Not knowing him personally, though reading your words and relating to your state of mind at the time, it seems perhaps he was trying to show his dominance but forgot part of that dominance can be compassion, understanding, and support. He could have chastised you for forgetting but demonstrated his ability to understand the situation and show you he could be trusted to give support with strength as opposed to hardsell coldness. And yes, he could also have showed he was concerned for your safety. One thing that stood out for me was his lack of trust in your telling him what was happening...basically if that were me and I had been communicating with someone for a year, even online, I would expect them to know me well enough to believe what I was saying...to me it is an issue of trust and respect, but none of us are perfect and perhaps he needs more experience or to feel more secure about his role and ability to wear it.

Catalina

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Thanks Catalina, sunfox and shyguy. I have yet to hear from him so have not been able to discuss it.
I have left it with him, should he choose to punish me I may have to choose to stop talking to him, although he fascinates me
I can't cope with this emotional head stuff right now. And Dolf does not like him. She is weird (in a good way) so if she ssays no then *shrug*

shy slave said:

And Dolf does not like him. She is weird (in a good way) so if she ssays no then *shrug*

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well...this is on top of some other stuff you've told me about him...he just seems to me to be a player. all fun and no responsibility *shrug*

Playing is fine. But getting into something serious and the seriousness of mind-fucks... I'm not sure you are ready for all that again so soon.

I'm afraid of the dark, too. I never sleep without a light on someplace in my house. If my lights went off suddenly... I'm sure I would have reacted just like you did.

This is all a pretty silly thing to be punished for, if you ask me.

A Desert Rose said:

Playing is fine. But getting into something serious and the seriousness of mind-fucks... I'm not sure you are ready for all that again so soon.

I'm afraid of the dark, too. I never sleep without a light on someplace in my house. If my lights went off suddenly... I'm sure I would have reacted just like you did.

This is all a pretty silly thing to be punished for, if you ask me.

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Thanks ADR your right I am far from ready for something so heavy.

I don't think I can deal in mind fucks this intense yet but I seem to be drawn to him.

shy slave said:

Thanks ADR your right I am far from ready for something so heavy.

I don't think I can deal in mind fucks this intense yet but I seem to be drawn to him.

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i know you really wanna shag but you need to think with your brain right now

You know, there's nothing wrong with a good beating and fuck session. As long as everyone is aware that it's nothing more than that.

I do this with friends when the need arises for one or the other of us.

But to make it something more than it is or to let it become more than you are ready to handle... yes, dolf is right, you need to keep your eyes open and your mind engaged.

Go ahead and be fascinated by him but keep your head on. I'd venture to guess that she has the right take on this fella.

shy slave said:

Yes thats right AA, no intruder just a power surge.

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With that said, and taking the hearsay posted by dolf without your confirmation concerning the (un?)locked back door, i would have sent you to bed as well, albeit for several reasons beyond the stated. Feel free to ask questions, comment, or seek mitigation on whatever you wish.

Once the lights returned, no danger existed. While i empathize with your jangled nerves and an admitted fear, said dominant/Master had presented you with a standing order. If you have issues with that standing order, you two need to sit down and talk it out thoroughly. If he expects you in bluejay attire, you need to establish limits to such attire. Until the two of you hash out those limits, miscommunication for your lack of Lack Of Clothing will continue to occur. Had i been in his place, i might have relented had you started disrobing like a stripper on speed in front of the cam.

The moment you spilled the beans on dolf's revelation, however, you became dead bread, (read that as burnt croutons). i'm supposed to be concerned with your sensitivities when you didn't lock a door because you forgot keys? Where the hell did you leave your brain woman? Men get accused of thinking with their dicks quite often. Did you flood your panties in anticipation of meeting him to the point you short-circuited your common sense?

dolf said:

BUT at the time it was happening you didn't know that.

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For the record, i'd have sent you back to work to retrieve the keys, report back on cam (fully dressed), and sent you to bed (fully dressed) to remember i consider your nakedness in front of that camera a privilege bestowed upon you, by me, as well.

Most here know my definition of punishment. You don't get time with me. And before anyone starts bawking the Hardass Harangue, i pay the price as well. i feel it more important, however, to underline my limits. i don't need a submissive that thinks with her cunt, or not at all. If i pursued you (general), you can bet i think you (general) have a good head on your shoulders. The moment you start showing me otherwise, you can expect discipline to remind you, and punishment when you FUBAR. If you construe that as insensitive, or hallmark of a control freak, i'll bear the title proudly. If you (general) want to call me Master, you better understand what that entails. If i choose to micromanage details in your life, especially at the start, at least you know what you have.

ShyGuy68 said:

Personally I think there's a time for being a Master, and a time for being supporting to your sub/partner. In this situation I would have made sure that you were okay after having getting the lights back on. Once that was sorter, I would have wanted you to strip for me in front of the camera

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*nods in agreement* yeah, what he said. I would have to make sure that my sub was ok, physically, mentally and emotionally ... calm them down ... and then remind them of the rules (hopefully) without being an ass. Requesting that the sub strip for me would be a good way to do that.

Getting pissed about you forgetting to undress again after some serious mental distress, and then sending you to bed without really discussing it shows a level of immaturity that is uncalled for and unbecoming in an adult, dominant or not ... like saying "well, you took my toy so I'm going home" when you are 4 years old and over at the neighbor's house playing ...

As for the keys thing - everyone makes mistakes, but you bloody well should have gone back an gotten them when you realized that you didn't have them. I can't count the number of times I've had to run back home or back to work because I set my keys down and forgot to pick them back up - but I always went back for them as soon as I figured out I didn't have them.

Is your memory perfect all the time?

I'd be standing in a corner all day long if I got punished for all the shit I forget or misplace... or lose.

dolf said:

well...this is on top of some other stuff you've told me about him...he just seems to me to be a player. all fun and no responsibility *shrug*

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I agree.

But I think you know how I feel about him.

You have 2 close friends here warning you off...

That's good enough for me, darling.

A Desert Rose said:

You have 2 close friends here warning you off...

That's good enough for me, darling.

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I know its a mistake this soon and this far but I know I want to know him better.

The problem is I am sitting here waiting to see if he contacts me.


AA I take your point and appreciate your view thats why I asked. You are a firm Dom and I wanted that side of it. Thank you
He and you appear similiar so I do value what you said
I work an two train rides from home, so i realised a little late to go and get my key. I did contact my son and use his and the door was unlocked so he could get in.

Ok....you've known the guy for a year, as a friend, not necessarily on a D/s level, right? So in other words, your D/s relationship with him is brand spanking new (pun intended). In my opinion, he has no business punishing you for behaviours that you've had little time to adjust to and leaving no room for a learning curve. I am NOT a fan of unreasonable expections, and in my opinion, training a submissive to a dominants' expectations takes time and leaves room for error and learning.

For instance...my Domme (whom I have known for 4 years and belonged to for almost a year) brings up expectations by introducing me to the concept and explaining why it is important to her and how she likes it to be done, giving me a chance to get used to and understand the dynamics of it and ask my own questions or voice my concerns about it, and then it becomes an expectation with punishment an option for disobedience, even if the transgression is a mistake (like in this case...where in your emotional state, you allowed yourself to put your emotions and needs before his). A recent example being...I am expected to thank her, or anyone she allows me to play with, for any scene we do. Very basic expectation...but one I've never been exposed to in the past as it's never been an expectation in previous relationships. She trained me into it by first pausing and waiting after an orgasm or something with an expectant look...and if I didn't respond with gratitude, she would hint in a slow, stern voice at what she wanted until I figured it out, or flat out tell me (the first time).

After that, if I forgot to express that gratitude, she allowed a couple of instances as discipline reminders (grabbing a nipple and pinching hard with an expectant look on her face until I remembered or something like that) but soon it became an expecation for me to remember and where transgression could mean a pretty serious punishment. It now comes completely naturally to me, and if I do forget I fully expect to be punished for it because I truly feel ashamed for it when I do. (which I did recently...I forgot to thank another partner after a scene at a club because I was still in subspace and expected to clean up the toys, got focused on that, and never did thank her properly. The punishment helped put me back in my place and ensure it wouldn't happen again, which I am sure it won't. I had never been punished for forgetting prior to that as it was the first time I forgot since the expectation moved up a notch.) To me...this is training, and reasonable at that. If she had punished me as severely as she did for the recent transgression without ever taking the time to train me to her expecations and allow me a chance to naturally adapt to the rule to a point where any transgression on it was truly something to be punished for, I would no longer be with her. Like I said...I have very little patience for the "Instant Obedience...Just Add Punishment" recipe.

This method actually trains me to naturally understand and desire to meet her needs and please her rather than blind obedience, which is a cute fantasy, but not a very solid means for building a strong D/s exchange on.

If your relationship is as new as I am assuming it is, I would think he would use this instance as an opportunity to remind you of his expectations and allow you both to move forward with it with a clearer understanding of what is expected of you. Punishing you for something that you clearly have a good excuse for and are not even at a point in the relationship where that level of control/punishment is even practical is only going to cause confusion, mistrust, and resentment (in my opinion, to each their own on that matter...I am of the opinion that solid D/s relationships take time to develop...none of this instant powered crap).

Taking your recent past into mind, sending you to bed after a scare like that with words of anger based on a very minor and understandable transgression this early in the relationship is absolutely inexcusable in my opinion, not to mention his mistrust of you to begin with. These are not things a sub should have to explain to a dom why they are hurtful and upsetting, it isn't a D/s thing, it's a basic respect of human feelings thing.

I wouldn't just walk away from him based on this instance, but if you attempt to explain to him how you felt and he blows you off, I would put an end to it. You need healthy relationships right now to help you heal, not another jerk who thinks being dominant means his needs and his needs only matter.

my two cents

SweetDommes said:

*nods in agreement* yeah, what he said. I would have to make sure that my sub was ok, physically, mentally and emotionally ... calm them down ... and then remind them of the rules (hopefully) without being an ass. Requesting that the sub strip for me would be a good way to do that.

Getting pissed about you forgetting to undress again after some serious mental distress, and then sending you to bed without really discussing it shows a level of immaturity that is uncalled for and unbecoming in an adult, dominant or not ... like saying "well, you took my toy so I'm going home" when you are 4 years old and over at the neighbor's house playing ...

As for the keys thing - everyone makes mistakes, but you bloody well should have gone back an gotten them when you realized that you didn't have them. I can't count the number of times I've had to run back home or back to work because I set my keys down and forgot to pick them back up - but I always went back for them as soon as I figured out I didn't have them.

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I am glad you agree with shyguy and think he was being childish on the other hand AA has a point if I want my life micro managed to that extent can I make a fuss if it does not suit me on one occassion?

shy slave said:

AA I take your point and appreciate your view thats why I asked. You are a firm Dom and I wanted that side of it. Thank you ... I do value what you said.

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No problem. i understood you wanted the other side of the coin. BTW, tails, you just lost yours ...
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/PingPong.gif

shy slave said:

I work an two train rides from home, so i realised a little late to go and get my key. I did contact my son and use his and the door was unlocked so he could get in.

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And where were you while waiting for him to arrive?

AngelicAssassin said:

Most here know my definition of punishment. You don't get time with me. And before anyone starts bawking the Hardass Harangue, i pay the price as well. i feel it more important, however, to underline my limits. i don't need a submissive that thinks with her cunt, or not at all. If i pursued you (general), you can bet i think you (general) have a good head on your shoulders. The moment you start showing me otherwise, you can expect discipline to remind you, and punishment when you FUBAR. If you construe that as insensitive, or hallmark of a control freak, i'll bear the title proudly. If you (general) want to call me Master, you better understand what that entails. If i choose to micromanage details in your life, especially at the start, at least you know what you have.

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Theres a thought you as my Master AA, now that would really mess with my mind. I have read too many scary posts of yours !!!

AngelicAssassin said:

No problem. i understood you wanted the other side of the coin. BTW, tails, you just lost yours ...
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/PingPong.gifAnd where were you while waiting for him to arrive?

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I was at home waiting for him to come online.

I have only met him once in r/l and that was for a drink no playing etc
He really intrigues me.
Bit like you do