A serious Question--cutters and pain

Last night i learned that my son was cutting himself. Of course we are greatly concerned, and he is already seeing a therapist.

What i want to know is this. Do many of you have experience cutting when you were younger? Is that how you started? He says he likes the pain, and i am trying to figure out where to go with that. Obviously we dont want him cutting (He is not the cleanest person i know, so the risk of infection is pretty big!) But this is beyond my experience.

For the record, i am Dom, and not into pain much at all, either inflicting or recieving. Feel free to pm me if you dont want to post here.

I know I did it for the pain also. I was having a very tough time going through my mental pain with out any physical signs of agony. So I would cut myself so that I could have something that would hurt more than what was in my head. I am older now and haven't cut for many years. But when people tried to stop my I just did it in sneakier places and with unclean objects, broken glass, mirrors, etc. It was something I had to do to get over my mental anguish. I realized my mistakes and have to live with people questioning my scars, so I hope your son stops before it gets too serious. But I want you to know that I am in school to become a therapist, so there is no need to worry that this will effect his ability to find himself and have a future. (this is what my parents were worried about.) Support and understanding are the best things in situations like these.

I wish you all the luck.

I am into cutting now as a submissive. I have never cut myself. It is something my Domme does to me and is something we share together...most BDSM related cutting is a partner activity, which is much different than solo cutting, especially in adolescents. So I'm not sure I'll be much help, but...

I used to have absolutely no understanding of how a vanilla person could claim cutting was a "release" and that the pain made them "feel". Even seeing the movie Secretary and getting a bit more insight into what may go on in the minds of those that do solo non-BDSM related cutting. That "release" claim seemed ridiculous to me. However, the first time my Domme cut me, it felt to me as if my submission was being bled out of me, allowed to flow free. Sounds dramatic and poetic, but that really is the only way I can describe it.

Perhaps your son is feeling confused, lonely, unsure of how to handle the conflicting emotions that come with growing up and being around peers. Cutting may feel like the one thing he has control over....he can't control the pain his peers or his confusion in life put on him, but he can control the pain he gets from cutting. If you rip away the worry and surprise and fear that you are probably feeling about this and really think about it in a very basic way, it makes sense. Depending on his age, it may simply be a cry for attention too.

Seeing a therapist is a good start, but having known many people in my life that were cutting themselves, both kids and adults (all in non-bdsm related ways), I would caution you against treating the issue with disgust or anger or anything negative. He may feel that this makes perfect sense, that he knows what he is doing, that it is a valid way of handling his feelings. I had one friend who found out her daughter was cutting herself and immediately had a fit and admitted her to a psyche ward for suicide watch. Years later as an adult, the subject came up in a conversation with her now college-age daughter there. When her mother made a snide comment about how "crazy she was a teenager with that cutting nonsense and she's lucky we staightened her out" she turned to her and said "why didn't you simply try to understand my side and help me find a better way to handle my confusion and pain rather than isolating me and treating me like I was mental?" Her mom was at loss for words. I'd have to say she survived her teen years DESPITE how her mom treated her, not because of it.

This likely isn't the place to find support and understanding for this issue as there is very very little similarity between the two examples. However, I do have to say that I have a little more insight into how cutting could be seen as a release for bottled up feelings and emotions, although for ME it definatly doesn't leave me feeling in control. But then again, I'm not the one doing the cutting.

Good luck, both in understanding how your son is feelings, and helping him find a healthier way to deal with his feelings. I'm sure there are support groups out there for parents.

serijules said:

Seeing a therapist is a good start, but having known many people in my life that were cutting themselves, both kids and adults (all in non-bdsm related ways), I would caution you against treating the issue with disgust or anger or anything negative. He may feel that this makes perfect sense, that he knows what he is doing, that it is a valid way of handling his feelings. I had one friend who found out her daughter was cutting herself and immediately had a fit and admitted her to a psyche ward for suicide watch. Years later as an adult, the subject came up in a conversation with her now college-age daughter there. When her mother made a snide comment about how "crazy she was a teenager with that cutting nonsense and she's lucky we staightened her out" she turned to her and said "why didn't you simply try to understand my side and help me find a better way to handle my confusion and pain rather than isolating me and treating me like I was mental?" Her mom was at loss for words. I'd have to say she survived her teen years DESPITE how her mom treated her, not because of it.

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He is currently in therapy for something else right now. and when we found out, we had a long calm discussion. (Because of my work i am pretty used to bombshells like this, so i was able to keep my reactiveness to a minimum.)

He is 14, and god knows that brings enough pyschic pain in and of itself sometimes. We dont think he is mental, just hurting...

arctic-stranger said:

He is currently in therapy for something else right now. and when we found out, we had a long calm discussion. (Because of my work i am pretty used to bombshells like this, so i was able to keep my reactiveness to a minimum.)

He is 14, and god knows that brings enough pyschic pain in and of itself sometimes. We dont think he is mental, just hurting...

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Sounds like you have a great grasp on the situation and just need the support of other parents that have been through it. Most of the parents in the situations I know of treat it as a suicide attempt and my end up alienating the child further. Its confusing for sure, for all involved.

Being 14 sucks, that's for sure. I don't look at my own teenage years with any fond memories.

arctic-stranger said:

Last night i learned that my son was cutting himself. Of course we are greatly concerned, and he is already seeing a therapist.

What i want to know is this. Do many of you have experience cutting when you were younger? Is that how you started? He says he likes the pain, and i am trying to figure out where to go with that. Obviously we dont want him cutting (He is not the cleanest person i know, so the risk of infection is pretty big!) But this is beyond my experience.

For the record, i am Dom, and not into pain much at all, either inflicting or recieving. Feel free to pm me if you dont want to post here.

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one of my siblings was a self harmer when she was 14. Once I noticed I told her that not only do the wounds stop healing efficiently the later you get into your teens, but once you get into later adulthood, it becomes more of a burden to explain and hide your scars and can make you feel worse about your body into adulthood. I then just bought her lots of paints, paper and poetry books to encourage a creative outlet for her pain and frustration. She stopped after that (or at least, her scars were not visible to me) and has pursued art with more determination as she has got older, though of course, this may not work for everyone as everyone is different.

Sometime vigorous or exciting exercise can also to expel the same urges that accompany self harming- but rather than turning lemons into vile acid- you turn them into lemonade. See if your kid has an interest in any extreme , or not so extreme sports and try and gently encourage that. It may help.

The parallels between Exercise and self-harm are that they are both-

- Painful.
-humiliating when seen(if you are just starting)
- a rush.
- death defying (or at least some types.)
-body altering.

Just a thought, probably not much use .

arctic-stranger said:

He is currently in therapy for something else right now. and when we found out, we had a long calm discussion. (Because of my work i am pretty used to bombshells like this, so i was able to keep my reactiveness to a minimum.)

He is 14, and god knows that brings enough pyschic pain in and of itself sometimes. We dont think he is mental, just hurting...

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14 is when I started... it seems to be a common age for this sort of thing

Arctic, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle of the situation right now. Being able to remain calm and keep your reactions minimal will help, also just let your son know you are there for him. Of course at 14 a parent is usually the last person a teenager wants to talk to. I don't how your son feels but I know that when I (and a couple of my friends as well) were cutting it was a way to release feeling we didn't know how to deal with. They would just well up inside and it was like a pressure that HAD to come out and the pain of cutting did that.

It may be something he'll grow out of or it may not. I'm 25 now and there are still times when I feel that pressure though it is a lot less often now then when I was a teenager. If you can find other outlets for him that is wonderful but if not I would honestly suggest buying him a first aid kit as well as talking to him about his hygene habits since you mentioned they were not the best. You could also try talking to him about keeping the cuts shallow so that they won't scar because once he gets older that's not going to be something he wants to have to explain to people.

I think I was twelve when I started SI, but that was likely due to added stress in being a biracial adopted child in a completely white small town. I was angry and upset a lot, and I am very poor at expressing my pain openly.. not a very visibly emotional person. So I started cutting.

I never enjoyed the pain, even though I am masochistic.. and up till the last time I did it which was a few years ago, I still don't enjoy the pain. I enjoy the feeling that the stress is released, or that I have a physical feeling to correspond with my internal pain.

It's hard to explain. But I do think you're doing the right thing, and by not being reactive about it, you kept it about him, which is where it should be. Ultimately, this is something only he can deal with, but your calm support will hopefully help him in figuring out why he is cutting.

As I've mentioned in other threads recently, I do not see any connection between cutting in a BDSM context and cutting as an expression of mental distress. The latter is a cry for help, a self-destructive way of releasing pain, or a physical excuse for emotional pain. In a BDSM context, cutting is about the relationship between two people, love, and traveling to new places.

Just my opinion.

Etoile said:

As I've mentioned in other threads recently, I do not see any connection between cutting in a BDSM context and cutting as an expression of mental distress. The latter is a cry for help, a self-destructive way of releasing pain, or a physical excuse for emotional pain. In a BDSM context, cutting is about the relationship between two people, love, and traveling to new places.

Just my opinion.

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I agree most emphatically with this... and it's a point that should often be made, that one does not equate the other in any way. They are two entirely different subjects.

arctic-stranger said:

Last night i learned that my son was cutting himself. Of course we are greatly concerned, and he is already seeing a therapist.

What i want to know is this. Do many of you have experience cutting when you were younger? Is that how you started? He says he likes the pain, and i am trying to figure out where to go with that. Obviously we dont want him cutting (He is not the cleanest person i know, so the risk of infection is pretty big!) But this is beyond my experience.

For the record, i am Dom, and not into pain much at all, either inflicting or recieving. Feel free to pm me if you dont want to post here.

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If you want to know you need to ask. If he likes the pain ask him to describe what he likes about it. Is it a pleasant feeling, or an emotional relese or releif from stress?
If you can find out what he is getting from it im sure you can find a safer substitute for it.

...............

Ok, as was stated before, self cutting, or being a cutter is most often a reflection of inner turmoil and pains, usually which the cutter has trouble dealing with or understanding. The usual despcription is that it makes it easier to deal with the emotional pain by having pain on the outside that one can understand. Often as well, since they are in a heightened emotional state, which leads to almost any sensation to register as pleasureable. It is much like the pain as pleasure felt by those in the scene during play. The sexual endorphines make it so that nearly all sensation is translated as a pleasure. Pushing for them to stop, telling them it is bad, will all have backlash effects, and be more than counterproductive in your efforts to help him. Help him work through and talk out his pain, his turmoils and confusions. Allow him to talk about what he is feeling without any reprecussions, so that he can feel open to discuss it.

It really isn't always as bad as it seems, as long as it doesn't become an obsession, a constant thing, an addiction, or the only way he has to deal with hardships.

Interestingly, a friend of mine who was also a cutter said to me once, after she had stopped cutting, about what got her to stop... "Once I was cut by someone else in a sexual way, cutting myself was never any good anymore, so I just gave it up."

N

Etoile said:

As I've mentioned in other threads recently, I do not see any connection between cutting in a BDSM context and cutting as an expression of mental distress. The latter is a cry for help, a self-destructive way of releasing pain, or a physical excuse for emotional pain. In a BDSM context, cutting is about the relationship between two people, love, and traveling to new places.

Just my opinion.

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Yes i realize this, and agree. This is one of the few boards i post on, and i figured that some people here would have experience as cutters in a non-bdsm way. And i appreciate all your comments so far.

Very much in agreement with what Nyte_BlackRose said...

I started cutting myself when I turned 30 and going through a huge emotional turning point in my life. I used to hurt myself when I was a young teen also but in different ways
What stopped it for me was the will to want to stop in the end, I could have lost my children over this.
They did suggest using ice when the urge to cut was too great and this helped at times but it was also an irritant at other times as I am sensitive to sensation.
Removing oneself from all turmoil and distraction to a calm and safe place (this helped the most for me)
Talking, being accepting, open so that he may talk and work things through, calm, unafraid of this, supportive are all important key factors.
When times are most stressful, seeming overwhelming or threatening, disorderly, emotional, these are the times he will be most vulnerable IMHO.
I wish everything turns out good and you get through this.

There are many different types of self-destructive behavior, so the point at which it becomes self-injury can be vague. Is someone who's depressed about job, home life, etc. and goes to a bar every night to drink away their troubles self-injuring? Or is self-injury only for cutters, headbangers, burners, etc? At what point do the causative feelings become so bad that one resorts to immediate physical damage? (As opposed to prolonged damage, like drinking your liver into cirrhosis.)

These are rhetorical questions, but I do think they're interesting things to think about.

Etoile said:

There are many different types of self-destructive behavior, so the point at which it becomes self-injury can be vague. Is someone who's depressed about job, home life, etc. and goes to a bar every night to drink away their troubles self-injuring? Or is self-injury only for cutters, headbangers, burners, etc? At what point do the causative feelings become so bad that one resorts to immediate physical damage? (As opposed to prolonged damage, like drinking your liver into cirrhosis.)

These are rhetorical questions, but I do think they're interesting things to think about.

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I feel that everyone, when under stress does things that can be considered dangerous or foolish, even harmful to themselves and to other people. I also think that ppl who SI are frowned upon because there is an end result to what they do that is visible.

There is a show on the A&E channel Sunday about cutters. Seems like it is coming on at 10pm eastern. But check your local listings.

People cut for different reasons. For me, it was a way for me to feel physical and tangible pain. I hurt so much emotionally and had so much in me, that I wanted to have a reason to feel pain. The relief was always short-lived because I'd feel so guilty for being so stupid afterward, and then the cycle would start over again. When you have depression for as long as I have, you develop ways of dealing with it. Fortuanately therapy taught me *healthy* ways to help myself.

I'm glad you got your son some help. My parents didn't know about my SI, but they did know I was having trouble and they didn't actively seek help for me as they should have. I was outright told to grow up and that my problems didn't matter and that their problems were a higher priority. You deserve a lot of praise. I wish there were more parents like you out there.

Good luck and I hope your son finds the answers he needs.

Being a cutter, then and now...

I've read the posts in this forum and have noticed a similarity between them and My own personal experiences.

I mutilated Myself for years, using pocketknives, broken glass, razors, any sharp-edged impliments. I've carved initials, signs, sigils, and mourning lines into My arms. I understand why I did it, and, with My mother being VERY aware of any new or strange marks on My body, I became very adept at hiding them.

I started at the age of 12, when I began to feel numb. I had been molested and raped a few times by family members, and began disassociating Myself from reality. Cutting was one of the ways I found to make Me feel reality. The pain, I knew, was real. I mutilated Myself until I was 21, through drugged out nights and days, several other rapes by boyfriends, drunken binges, and family stresses. I learned how to clean My wounds, where to carve that would allow the wound to scar properly, and where not to touch the sharp edge of the razor.

When I cleaned up, I realized that the only way the scars would be covered on My arms was to get tattoos. I've not carved into Myself since I've been clean. I don't feel guilty over it, and I don't condemn Aanyone for doing so or having done so.

I still use blades for edge play, and thank My previous experiences for the carving I've done in the past. My theory is that, I would rather have caused pain to Myself than cause pain to another being, and if carving was the only way I found to do that, then that was what I would do. I have a greater appreciation for pain, due to My experiences.

The only advice I can offer is that the young ones become educated on the reality of carving, as well as basic first aid and anatomy, until another outlet for their frustrations and angst can be found.

*tosses My 2 pennies into the Cauldron*

Ms Dark

I guess I'm the only one who simply did it for the attention, then.

ok, this may not be so popular, but think of this response to your dilema as a harm reduction campaign.

Your son is in therapy, so the cutting will come out eventually with his therapist, he can then either deal with it, or not, depending on how good the therapist has been engaging him into the therpapeutic relationship.

Cutting, is a release. A release of pent up emotion, or, a physical self induced manifestation of inner pain. To feel the pain, is real, it is something the kid can see and do himself. It gives him control.

As a therapist that has many clients who cut up. A alternative self harm is sometimes successful.
Ice cubes, when squeezed into the palms, really bloody hurts, and this pain can be a good substitute for some cutters. A elastic band on the wrist, that is 'pinged' as hard as he can, is also another substitute for self inflicted pain.

Ensure that there are freely available medical supplies to clean his cuts. Just sort of left lying around the bathroom area. Never do this for him, do not involve yourselves at all with his ritualistic cutting, or the cleaning of same.

In england, when my children were in their teens, cutting up, along with the Marylyn Manson craze, swept through the school. A way to vent teenage angst. It is a dreadful worry for us parents though. Many do not realise that the scars they leave, as teenagers are notoriously dirty things and therefor the cuts infect easily.

few cutters enjoy the scarring. You may feel brave enough to show him how to repair the cuts so that scarring is kept to a minimum.
1. cut in a good blood supply area as this aids healing.
2. cut in a non visable area, so that you wont feel a fool as a adult at the beach.
3. Use medical tape to close the area after you have bled. within 24 hrs, the cut will of healed without scarring.

If your son is cutting in a manner that is clearly so they are on display. Check with your Son if he wishes to continue with the therapist. If he is truly gaining from his time with them, he will want to continue.
Children sent to me, who are not into the therapy by week 10, are not engaging with me, and need a different styled therapist.
Clinical research is currently, that behavioural as in Cognitive behavioural, or psychology is the most effective form of treatment for the malady called teenage angst that we all get through. So called 'talking' therapies, are less effective. Few teenagers are able to articulate sufficiently to gain the full benefit from this style. If they were able to articulate emotions, they wouldnt be cutting in the first place.

Take comfort in the thought, that even if the therapy does sod all, he will grow out of it. As his hormone levels settle, and maturity and its aquired coping mechanisms guides him through. Girlfriends also seem to help tremendously! Or they did for mine lol.

I wish your family well
pandoravampire

Like most I cut to chase the emotional pain away. Physical pain was something I could handle, it was real and tangible unlike emotional pain. I was in my late 20's when I started. I'd go out to the desert, and cut my arm then it progressed to other places from there. I also cut because I hated who I was since it seemed everyone I knew said something negative about me at one time or another. I hated the fact that I didn't know what was wrong or how to change it.

I think I stopped when I realized cutting never stopped the emotional pain.