Old 08-07-2012, 02:56 AM   #1
HornyNerd_5415
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Troubled...

Please, not tonight
not like last time
i'll be alright
i'll be just fine

The vultures want my eyes
they want my hands for their bidding
Only a sane man never complies
or is this punishment just fitting?

Last edited by HornyNerd_5415 : 08-21-2012 at 06:41 AM.
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Old 08-20-2012, 11:57 AM   #2
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ill without punctuation is just that, ill as in sick
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Old 08-20-2012, 05:42 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
ill without punctuation is just that, ill as in sick
"ill be just fine" would be a good line if that was intended.

It's easy to write the words as we hear them in our head, but the reader does not have that advantage. Poetry which is created to be read aloud by the author does not need punctuation and all the other clues which a reader needs, if any sense is to be made of it.
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Quote:
Originally posted by LostBaby
My beloved is perfect. He is strong, smart, well read, can & will do anything, tender, and totally adores me. The only thing that could make him better is if he was freak'n wealthy beyond words.
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:40 AM   #4
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oh sorry you guys, as you can see i'm pretty young, i try to value grammar, but i usually dont focus too much on it when i'm not being formal, thanks for the feedback.
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:42 AM   #5
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but besides punctuation errors, what do you think?
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Old 08-21-2012, 09:40 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HornyNerd_5415 View Post
but besides punctuation errors, what do you think?
The imagery leaves questions.

The vultures want my eyes Straightforward enough, eyes are the best part.

they want my hands for their bidding This is confusing. Instead of eating your hands, the vultures want your hands to perform a task for them. Does this mean they also want your eyes to see for them?

Only a sane man never complies With what? Are sane men generally uncooperative? Is this a reference to doing a vulture's bidding?

or is this punishment just fitting? "just and fitting" would make sense. "just fitting" means "barely fitting". The difference is slight, but important.
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Quote:
Originally posted by LostBaby
My beloved is perfect. He is strong, smart, well read, can & will do anything, tender, and totally adores me. The only thing that could make him better is if he was freak'n wealthy beyond words.
On the floor of a small room near the city wall, they found the source of the many fragments of wisdom this civilization had left the world.http://bronzeageworks.blogspot.com/
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