Old 10-09-2012, 05:34 PM   #3501
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Political Banter by Exakta66

A cute rhyming piece from the prolific Exakata.

Progress by demure101

An observant piece by demure with nice crisp images. The format makes for a difficult read. There is a space line every third line which splits a thought and makes an uneven read.

Princess4disabledposse is a new Lit poet and has two submissions today. Both follow a similar same form, a column of single word lines. This is the kind of poems which make me want to slap the table and say "Stop it!" Both poems hold interesting thoughts and images, but there is no reason for the form to make it nearly impossible for the reader to interpret them.

Beauty by princess4disabledposse

Aphrodisiac by princess4disabledposse


Horny by jayhoward

Jayhoward is another new Lit Poet with first submission. This piece is an anachronism in an anachronism. It mimics a Bob Newhart(who?) routine of a person speaking on a payphone(a what?), while someone waits impatiently for their turn to make a call. I am willing to bet a fair number of Lit readers have no idea what any of the previous sentence means.

Passionate Plaything by 88DetholmLover88

A short series of erotic images, but despite the title, lacking passion.

The Stalker by TazDeVille

The narrative of a voyeur's fantasy.
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Quote:
Originally posted by LostBaby
My beloved is perfect. He is strong, smart, well read, can & will do anything, tender, and totally adores me. The only thing that could make him better is if he was freak'n wealthy beyond words.
On the floor of a small room near the city wall, they found the source of the many fragments of wisdom this civilization had left the world.http://bronzeageworks.blogspot.com/
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Old 10-13-2012, 01:52 AM   #3502
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Friday

The poems today need some thought that I have, perhaps unfortunately, channeled elsewhere.

I will try to talk about them tomorrow.
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Old 10-13-2012, 01:18 PM   #3503
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Saturday, September 13, 2012

They say eight is a lucky number. Is it coincidental that there are eight New Poems today? Not at all. One is a standout.

Scheherezade's Easy Prey is succinct and powerful. I enjoyed the internal rhymes, though I wanted to know more about how "the thing" had happened or what it meant.

In I, the Shadow, 1201 manages to force me to admit that there is a way to redeem antiquated language in contemporary poetry. Generally I detest this, (one of the other poems today uses 'mine own' and makes me shudder in the worst way) but by framing the extremely effective love poem in context, the poet has risen to and jumped over the bar. Do read this poem and comment, please.

HHMCameron has several today. The best of these is White River, a cunnilingual effort.

Have a wonderful weekend, folks. Anyone want to start reviewing for Sundays? Or Saturdays? I am happy to switch.
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Old 10-13-2012, 11:07 PM   #3504
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Friday poems. Late (sigh), I know.

Yes, I know I'm late.

No, I am not commenting on all poems. Here are the new poems. Feel free to comment on them as you feel fit.

I quite liked MaggieMae9's Chronology. Yeah, it's double spaced, which is irritating, but the poem seems honest and adult.

If I understand it correctly, a little sad, as well.

The other poem I'll mention is demure101's Three Mistakes because of its unusual structure. Three parts, the first in (I think) blank verse. Generally, the blank verse section is handled well and reads smoothly:
Late sunlight on the water with the smell
of new-mown grass and both the verges fair
and tall with flowers. In the slanting rays
the world was like an open door, a new

beginning: there were birds and I could hear
the sound of children talking. In the pub
the lights had been switched on but on the road
you still could see each detail, every tree

in its own colours: summer’s height. It would
be one more hour before the sky went pink
and yellow, and the skyline turned into
a chiselled silhouette. The soil felt warm
I mean, this is just lovely writing. Lovely.

Then, the form is dropped.The subsequent writing is not bad (demure is a very good writer), but the reader (or, perhaps this reader) disconnects from the poem because of the change of style.

It's a very interesting poem because of this disconnect. I'm not sure I understand it yet. I have a huge respect for demure's talent, so it's not that I think he/she is incompentent--this poem is structured how the poet intended it to be structured.

What I don't understand is why it's built this way.

Whatever.

Eat less red meat. <-- My Public Service Announcement.
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:31 PM   #3505
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A shame...
anyway over in NP
missdemure

has a series of at least three, although I see a tie in with a fourth
Sanctuary # 1

Sanctuary # 2

Sanctuary # 3

After the Pyre
the ecstasy of flames

a progression? of sorts, it is worth it, but i have to say i am ashamed at what you heathen bitches have done to this poor church goin woman. shame, shame, shame.

and then some more, in all a curious mix of sensibilities from about 1850 mixed with 1970, almost as if...can't be, but i can't wait to see what Tazz has to say.
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Old 10-16-2012, 05:53 PM   #3506
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Dublins Hidden Desire by exquisitelifetime

I find this piece wastes a lot of words in similes which should be metaphors.

Oneiria has three poems posted today.

Lioness by oneiria
This cuts through the awkward part of a threesome.

The second and third poems are less direct. The meaning of the third is plain and the second maybe related, but vivid imagry does not offer any clues.
Ocean Sunrise by oneiria

Nagasaki Caress by oneiria



We have two poems by Demure, today. The first is crisp descriptive and worth a read. The second is broken up in stanzas, but each stanza breaks a line, which is an irritating shoehorn for the reader.
Dead End # 2 by demure101

Swallows by demure101


Fancy by The_Fool

A nice laundry day dream.

Let Me Be Your Lover by ArjayEiff
I like this piece, for no more reason than it is the kind of poem of which we need more. A simple plea and offering to a lover.

Bitch / slut Wolf /alpha by Ashesh9

Ashesh once again plays one handed table tennis with the English language. It's always a fun read.

Grrrl Power by sexycharlene

A rather rude dismissal for someone who is obviously knocking at the wrong door.
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Quote:
Originally posted by LostBaby
My beloved is perfect. He is strong, smart, well read, can & will do anything, tender, and totally adores me. The only thing that could make him better is if he was freak'n wealthy beyond words.
On the floor of a small room near the city wall, they found the source of the many fragments of wisdom this civilization had left the world.http://bronzeageworks.blogspot.com/
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Old 10-17-2012, 03:39 PM   #3507
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Recommended read for today, Simeon by demure101.

Mantra for all the other contributors[ - read some poetry, notice the structure and content, show don't tell.
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Old 10-18-2012, 04:56 PM   #3508
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Show don't tell?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tristesse2 View Post
- read some poetry, notice the structure and content, show don't tell.
..
Show what? fingers raincoat and wonders
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Old 10-18-2012, 10:59 PM   #3509
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
..
Show what? fingers raincoat and wonders
Fingers and Raincoat

It was, at first, like
he was playing an instrument,
fingers delicate, though pressed
here and there on frets
I couldn’t quite see.

Then he came, and the squish
of fluid onto pavement
woke me. I tried

to kick him in the balls,
but he ran.

I left his children in the street.
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:21 AM   #3510
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
..
Show what? fingers raincoat and wonders
it's nice to be able to see something happen rather than be told about it happening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
Fingers and Raincoat

It was, at first, like
he was playing an instrument,
fingers delicate, though pressed
here and there on frets
I couldn’t quite see.

Then he came, and the squish
of fluid onto pavement
woke me. I tried

to kick him in the balls,
but he ran.

I left his children in the street.
Fingers, raincoat, wonders

He found it in the Sally Ann thrift shop,
a London Fog trench
with epaulettes and original belt,
all the buttons present.

"Fresh in today, odd gentleman, he was.
Had a whole load'a ladies clothes too."

It wasn't until after church
that wet Sunday when he turrned up
the collar, thrust his cold hands in the pockets
and found the fingers, long red nails
manicured.
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Old 10-19-2012, 09:19 AM   #3511
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Friday Oct 19 Recommendations

OK, let's see what I have gotten myself into.
My first recommendation is to read the two posts directly above this, which involve Raincoats and Fingers. Perhaps this subject warrants a challenge?

There are four new poems today:

Asbury Fields of Joy III
by exquisite lifetime
I didn't quite know what to make of this. It combines interesting use of language with cliches. The entire thing is liberally peppered with dark references that I am not entirely sure I understand. Take a look and judge for yourself.

A Fuck To Start the Day by Zorber
The title says it all. This is a rhyming piece. Some of the rhymes are strained and the content is not surprising, but it is what it is.

Walking on the Shore by oOScarletWingsOo, who should get bonus points for the structure of her user name, is an illustrated poem. I don't normally check this category so this was a nice surprise. I might have swapped the first and last lines to correspond more to the picture, but it's nice as is.

STD_II
thecummingman
This is my recommendation of the day. Four spare stanzas give the reader just enough to grasp (with the guidance of the title) what this is about, and plenty of room to interpret and search for meaning.

That's it for today. Now I am going to work on my Fingers and Raincoat poem du jour.
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Old 10-19-2012, 10:22 AM   #3512
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hey, hey, yesterday
how about
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Old 10-19-2012, 10:31 AM   #3513
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Yeah - not sure who was supposed to do those...didn't want to tread on anyone's turf so to speak. gotta run now or I would add them...
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Old 10-19-2012, 01:58 PM   #3514
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Desejo View Post
Yeah - not sure who was supposed to do those...didn't want to tread on anyone's turf so to speak. gotta run now or I would add them...
oh, fuck, what was that word Tzara, interesting
Pig
by demure101
in pre ballad days

and of course
Sue Has a New Haircut
by Tzara
notable for
spread like a clean tablecloth

actually both are notable for what they are not telling


there was a third, but i lost track of who was who, a brass bed was in it though
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Old 10-22-2012, 05:27 PM   #3515
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OK YES WE NEED MORE REVIEWERS!! Recommenders, I mean. Please do so at will. Be not worried of anyone's toes. We wear steel toes, here. I wear steel toes that I've kept in the freezer, just in case. It's all good.

Speaking of New Poems (though we weren't) there were some posted this weekend (surprise, surprise) and the standouts follow: I must begin with Ind. Est. which would be a standout any day. I am a fan of Demure's but this especially pleased me because of the effective tone, imagery, diction, you name it. Don't miss it. Lovely.

In terms of more porney poems, this one is actually pretty (gotta say it) arresting. What salvages the cliched settings are the vivid description and the rising action, so to speak. See if you agree.

Also enjoyable is Harry's playful Chkn Snax. It is not a full meal, but a yummy appetizer.

Stop by, please, and comment upon Champagne's evocative Trick or Treat poem entitled Ghosts.

That is it for Saturday's poems. I will try to get to some mentions in Sunday's as well unless someone beats me to it. (Anyone?)
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:36 PM   #3516
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Ghosts
bychampagne1982

I recommend this, I have reviewed it, before it slips away
now a little mystery in poetry is a good thing, sometimes even a little muddiness
consideration of the subject material counts

i am comparing this to another poem that involved a threesome (i think), in that case, i want to know exactly where i'm...
read this
Ghosts
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:56 PM   #3517
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Ode To June by JonathanWolfe

Johathon is a new Lit poet and this is his first submission.

This is a delightful piece with literary allusions. June was Henry Miller's wife, for a time and her relationship with Anais Nin is sort of vague. It's one of those bits of history of which the witnesses cannot be trusted, so we can make it into anything we need for the occasion. A recommended read.

Ktfal gives us two submissions today, both with the same theme. The title of the first is the refrain of the second. The both fit into the subcategory of love poetry, known as disappointed love poetry, or as some other poet said, "the wagon of love, broke down under the luggage of life."

Sorry You Done got Fat by ktfa1

Shooby Blues by ktfa1

We have three offerings from Demure, today

Heaney by demure101
An ode to Seamus Heaney.

Wren by demure101
Another ode, this time to Christopher Wren, not the bird, and very well done.

Outside Looking In by demure101
A sad lament. I did not know the word lawn, besides being a patch of grass, is also a kind of cloth. An interesting word choice.

smoke. in Up by HarryHill
A quick and easy blurt of images.

O' Sweet Lady by Zariel
A first submission by a new Lit poet. It effects an archaic voice to a poor affect. It tangles the grammar in forced rhymes and makes a difficult read.
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Quote:
Originally posted by LostBaby
My beloved is perfect. He is strong, smart, well read, can & will do anything, tender, and totally adores me. The only thing that could make him better is if he was freak'n wealthy beyond words.
On the floor of a small room near the city wall, they found the source of the many fragments of wisdom this civilization had left the world.http://bronzeageworks.blogspot.com/
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Old 10-24-2012, 09:00 AM   #3518
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Would like to echo Bronze's recommendation for Ode to June by Jonathon Wolfe.

A must read.
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Old 10-25-2012, 03:37 PM   #3519
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Warning - The men don't corner the market....

... in curmudgeonliness. Nine new poems today.

First up koksure’s below her knees , foot fetish 101. As a poem it really doesn’t work.

Intertwined by crashedn2you is a long Hallmark poem about unrequited dreams.

Looped by HarryHill is a short, clever conversation with his computer.

Horizontal Tango by callipyge2012 is, to my mind, the better of the two submitted by this writer today. The last two lines are not necessary and actually detract and distract from the over-all effort. An Artist is what I call “lazy poetry”, just a list of words and phrases thrown out in the hopes of creating an atmospheric image.

Ktfa1 is relatively new to Lit but has submitted nine poems in five days. He/she likes sing-song sounding poems, in fact Hay Tiempo , with its third verse bridge is quite lyrical. Happy Lady is dedicated to an on-line friend. Some of the references are a bit odd, “pink font” and lady as “lovely pink tower” and the pseudo religious finale – very odd. The lack of punctuation in Corrine makes it hard to read and engage in the poem. I didn’t finish it.

No Control bysamcan311981 is a blow-by-blow lesbian, M/s encounter. Not for me but may be right up your street.

My recom for the week is HarryHill’s Looped because it is an original idea.

Happy writings and readings.
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Old 10-26-2012, 11:52 AM   #3520
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Poems of the day - Friday

Emily by ktfa1
Is a poem about a dancer, or a woman who dances. Her name is Emily. This has a nice singsong rhythm, and like other poems by ktfa1 feels like a song.

Forbidden Joys by Demure101 is about a younger woman. Demure skillfully weaves in musicality and light into the poem. Recommended.

Don't Blame Me for Your Tears by King_of_Fulfolk is about a breakup. It's a mixed bag, sometimes sounding like lyrics. I think the underlying idea is good, but it needs some refining poem-wise.

When Will I See Her Again by Feverman is a sonnet per the poet's own note. Others can comment more on exactly what type of sonnet it is, all I can say is that it doesn't adhere to a shakespearian rhyme scheme, and that it has some nice turns of phrase. Take a look.

Solace by Demure101 is a snapshot of a day, presumably on a walk. The final two lines rhyme in a way I found very effective. Recommended.

I find myself Fantasizing about You by Hammer47 is about 10 stanzas of thoughts about her. Odd choices of capitalization and standard essences language. Given the question about what is poetry and what is not, this is an interesting one to take a look at. As far as I can tell, what distinguishes it from prose is the refrain "I often fantasize about you!".

Moolight by madam_noe is an erotic poem. I recommend taking a look at this one.

Odd fact of the day: two poems today mention Mourning Doves, and neither of them capitalize it. It is supposed to be capitalized, as a species name - right? Emily is as graceful as a mourning dove, and When will I see you again mentions mournful calls of the mourning dove. To me they are just refined pigeons. But then again, if someone were to compare me to an avian these days the most likely bird would be a Cassowary.
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Old 10-26-2012, 03:48 PM   #3521
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Sonnet or not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Desejo View Post
Poems of the day - Friday


When Will I See Her Again by Feverman is a sonnet per the poet's own note. Others can comment more on exactly what type of sonnet it is, all I can say is that it doesn't adhere to a shakespearian rhyme scheme, and that it has some nice turns of phrase. Take a look.

[[/url].
From a quick internet serach: This example, Shakespeare's Sonnet 116, illustrates the form (with some typical variances one may expect when reading an Elizabethan-age sonnet with modern eyes):

Let me not to the marriage of true minds (a)
Admit impediments, love is not love (b)*
Which alters when it alteration finds, (a)
Or bends with the remover to remove. (b)*
O no, it is an ever fixèd mark (c)**
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; (d)***
It is the star to every wand'ring bark, (c)**
Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken. (d)***
Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks (e)
Within his bending sickle's compass come, (f)*
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, (e)
But bears it out even to the edge of doom: (f)*
If this be error and upon me proved, (g)*
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. (g)*


When will I see her again? By Feverman

Another sleepless night missing my love. (a)
Sunrise, exhausted mind, replete with her. (b)
First light, mournful calls of a mourning dove. (a)
I miss her so. Feet wet with tears and dew, (b)
restless, I climb the hill to look again, (c)
hoping for the sight of her returning, (d)
but hope is vain and time no more a friend. (c)
I am undone, half whole, searching, wanting. (d)
This chill is to the bone. I’m so empty. (e)
I try to warm my heart with what we had... (f)
her love, her joy, days and nights of plenty (e)
but, clouds of doubt are creeping in my head (f)
Oh love, please find your way to me again! (g)
What can I do to ease this pain 'til then? (g)

Apart from the slight liberty take with lines b, it seems to follow traditional sonnet rhyme structure to me. What am I missing, Desejo?
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Old 10-26-2012, 04:45 PM   #3522
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feverman View Post

When will I see her again? By Feverman


hoping for the sight of her returning, (d)

I am undone, half whole, searching, wanting. (d)
This chill is to the bone. I’m so empty. (e)
I try to warm my heart with what we had... (f)
her love, her joy, days and nights of plenty (e)
but, clouds of doubt are creeping in my head (f)
What am I missing, Desejo?
recheck the rules for rhyme

mod's - this and feverman's response belong in the comments section
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Old 10-27-2012, 02:08 PM   #3523
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twelveoone View Post
recheck the rules for rhyme

mod's - this and feverman's response belong in the comments section
Noted. Please note, mods is merely plural and not possessive.
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Old 10-27-2012, 06:05 PM   #3524
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10/27 as of 5 pm es
no new poems today
job over
whoopee, leave some commentos as momentos writers love 'em

mod's turf
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Old 10-28-2012, 05:00 PM   #3525
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It is not anyone's turf, Twelvie, but if it were it would be mods' turf as BA comments, too. Unless you were meaning to indicate that you were taking my day in some way which would not matter to me. Comment and commend as you please. It's Rumi's field.
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