What to do with a vanilla partner?

I have a simple but complex question regarding a person you love. I have the love of my life living 24/7 with me. Problem is that I have never faced my true Dominant feelings. As long as I can remember I have had a unique control over women. I never truly explored the D/s lifestyle. I now love a woman that is EXTREMELY vanilla. Has anyone found a way to convert a vanilla fem to submission? Has anyone tried a D/s relationship outside of your vanilla relationship? I have met one woman who is very submissive and needs slave responsibilities and direction. I will not persue this unless it can be done with respect to my partner.
Thanks for your feedback.

David son of Jesse said:

I have a simple but complex question regarding a person you love. I have the love of my life living 24/7 with me. Problem is that I have never faced my true Dominant feelings. As long as I can remember I have had a unique control over women. I never truly explored the D/s lifestyle. I now love a woman that is EXTREMELY vanilla. Has anyone found a way to convert a vanilla fem to submission? Has anyone tried a D/s relationship outside of your vanilla relationship? I have met one woman who is very submissive and needs slave responsibilities and direction. I will not persue this unless it can be done with respect to my partner.
Thanks for your feedback.

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I guess it is time to talk to your partner, isn't it?

The above poster said it perfectly. Only upfront conversation will do at this point if you do not want to lie or hurt your partner.

i think hes asking HOW to talk to his vanilla wife about bdsm. which isnt easy.

sigsauerprinces said:

i think hes asking HOW to talk to his vanilla wife about bdsm. which isnt easy.

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If they haven't talked, how does he know she is vanilla?

If you can't make an educated guess about someone's sexuality if you've been living with them for however many years, you're a moron or they're a great actor.

Netzach said:

If you can't make an educated guess about someone's sexuality if you've been living with them for however many years, you're a moron or they're a great actor.

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Then you should also know how to talk to them, right?

(I think this is bogus. BTW...)

Johnny Mayberry said:

(I think this is bogus. BTW...)

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I suggest they try with a little chocolate syrup!

But if it isn't bogus, then listen to what the others are saying and communicate with your partner!

Johnny Mayberry said:

If they haven't talked, how does he know she is vanilla?

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heh...good point


Netzach-thats not entirely true. its not about being "a great actor" or not. sometimes its a matter of a person having fantasies but being afraid to reveal them to the other person for fear of that person not understanding, thinking theyre a freak ect. its not that the person is 'acting'. its just that theyve put those fantasies on the back burner because they assumed their partner wasnt into it.

they could talk to their partner and find out that hey-shes been dying to be tied up and whipped, and live a D/s lifestyle, but she never thought her bf/husband would be into it, so she didnt ask.

you never know until you ask.

Sure, talk.

Make assumptions about their sexual leanings? Of course. You are, after all, having coitus relations with them, so why wouldn't you think you know what that person's sexual preferences are if they are sleeping with you regularly? Not every relationship is approached with the "hidden layer within" mentality.

The question asked was how to talk to a seemingly vanilla partner. Aside from the semantics on "how to determine the sexual predilections of your partner", how about some constructive advice re how to approach the other partner? Particularly with respect to introduction of BDSM into their lives. Wood, hammer, nails, glue and a long pole are the materials for a birdhouse ... i think instructions on building one would help.

lara

I don't know about your partner, but you might want to try some slow adaption. Start with soft bondage and move futher into S&M. It could take a year or so, but it's not impossible that she will eventually find out that like it (but I don't know her, naturally).

My wife THINKS she's vanilla, but she is never as horny as when we practice S&M. It doesn't matter if she's top or bottom, she's all wet anyway. I remember a few times when just whipping me was foreplay enough for her, and she had an orgasm right away when she rode me afterwards. On other occations, when I was top, I fingered her pussy after stringing her up, and got my fingers all wet within seconds after the game begun. She views herself as vanilla, but she's not... But she tend to forget how much she likes it, and I have to persuade her every time. It mostly works when she had some drinks, like earlier this evening.

Anything worth having, is worth risking for..........This lifestyle is more about being free with what you want, and honest about what you need. Some people believe that BDSM is not right, or "kinky". Some people just believe that it is downright wrong. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Don't make the mistake of underestimating your wife, she knows more about you than you might be willing to admit. Talk to her, move slowly, but make your move with confidence.

I'm not saying that it's impossible that this woman could be the perfect secretive slavegirl in the rough, ready and waiting for the touch of Mastery in the guise of an understanding husband, just that if this dude says she's really vanilla it MIGHT be something we could take at face value.

Hard bitter truth: above scenario is unlikely.

You can try the direct approach...come out of the closet, give her a copy of "when someone you love is kinky" and explain that this is part of you and it's not going to change, and it's always going to be there and it has to be navigated within the relationship.

OR you could do the stealth approach. A little slap and tickle in the bedroom, hold her wrists, see if she likes it, invent little games, see if it goes deeper.

Or you could respectfully admit that this person's sexuality is potentially never going to be compatible with yours and move on in search of a relationship that contains sexual compatibility.

edited because JM and I can't remember to log each other out.

We reallllly have to get the hang of this using one computer thing.

LOL.

~anelize

AnelizeDarkEyes said:

edited because JM and I can't remember to log each other out.

We reallllly have to get the hang of this using one computer thing.

LOL.

~anelize

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Anelize, Master and I have been using the same computer....we simply use different browsers (he IE me Mozilla) so we can be logged in at the same time

I have spent many years trying many things. My partner is always interested in trying new things, and after many, many attempts at converting her to a submissive, I have learned that she does not desire this as a permanent arrangement. I have not told her how deep my feelings/needs go. Only that I have the need to feel that power transfer that a Dom gets from a sub. That total submission that you see in the eyes of someone who desperately needs to give the passion over to her Master. I am sorry I am not so eloquent as many of you, but you understand that feeling. I have read all your thoughts over and over. To be honest, I did not expect to see this many respond and I thank you all.

One thing, have any of you "converted" your wives into a submissive/slave? Sounds like everyone here met someone who already knew they were submissive, or at least had a certain need that was explained once they found that certain Dom person or personality. Am I wrong?

Talking about it is not always the answer. There are a lot of women who want to do things but don't want to have to talk about it before hand.

In other words, they don't want to have to admit out loud that want to do something. They want it to be the guy's idea and not be responsible for it.

There is a wonderful discussion of this at "Ask Aspasia" (http://www.literotica.com/aspasia/index.shtml)

See the heading: "Subject: Wife's Inability To Discuss Her Desires".

One possibility would be to talk about saying "no" without actually talking about what it is that she might say "no" to. Somehow (in whatever way works in your relationship) tell her that you would like to take charge and sweep her off her feet, that you will respect her "no" but if she doesn't say "no" you will assume that she is OK with what you're doing.

Personally, I *love* it when my husband tries something without asking. On the other hand, we've been married for eight years and have a lot of experience with pushing each other's limits.

In the early days, it was really difficult for me to get hubby to push my boundaries without having to ask him explicitly. He was afraid of hurting me, pushing me past my limits and losing me.

David son of Jesse said:

I have spent many years trying many things. My partner is always interested in trying new things, and after many, many attempts at converting her to a submissive, I have learned that she does not desire this as a permanent arrangement.

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I'm the same way. I like being submissive sometimes and I like having my husband decide when that is going to be. On the other hand, I don't live my day to day live that way.

I have not told her how deep my feelings/needs go. Only that I have the need to feel that power transfer that a Dom gets from a sub. That total submission that you see in the eyes of someone who desperately needs to give the passion over to her Master.

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Question: do you want it 24/7 or do you want total submission *some of the time*? It would be a lot easier to get "total submission some of the time" than "total submission all of the time".

I am sorry I am not so eloquent as many of you, but you understand that feeling.

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Um... this is Literotica. Many of the people who frequent this placed are authors. Don't feel bad about not being as eloquent as the folks around here. "Being eloquent" is what we do.

...One thing, have any of you "converted" your wives into a submissive/slave? Sounds like everyone here met someone who already knew they were submissive, or at least had a certain need that was explained once they found that certain Dom person or personality. Am I wrong?

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You are probably correct on that.

On the other hand, wives can be converted. Now, I have zero experience with your exact situation since I *am* a wife and I converted my husband into being a dominant.

But...

I still think the "try it rather than talk about it" approach *might* work *if* you establish trust and make sure that she has a way of *bailing out* if she needs to. It is a lot easier to experiement with total submission if you have the security of knowing that you can back out if you need to.

What I am about to suggest might work or it might fail completely. Use your best judgement. You know your relationship better than any of us.

One possible approach would be to move in stages: start by saying something like "Darling, I want to drive you wild with passion but I want to do it my way. So, tonight, I want you to do whatever I tell you and let me do whatever I wish with you and I promise to make it good for you."

Having said that, spend the entire evening doing things to her that you *know* she likes. Don't experiment with anything new, just do the stuff that works and drives her absolutely nuts.

The only "new" think is her submission. Everything else is tried and true. If it works, do it again. Do it several more times, allowing her to be come accustomed to being submissive and getting pleasured.

Once she is comfortable with that, *slowly* introduce new things. If she hesitates, ask her to trust you and take the risk that she might not like it. Take very small steps and demonstrate to her that you are listening to her and will back off if she can't handle something.

I guess what I am saying is that you would start out by being a "dominant servant" and slowly move toward being a dominant master.

Again, this might not work at all.

Finally, remember that everyone is different. The people who tell you that "you *must* talk about it" or "if you *can't* talk about it you don't have a very good relationship" are speaking from their own experience.

For *them* that's how it works. That doesn't mean that it works that way for everyone. There are some very good relationships where couples don't talk about some things directly. They speak between the lines and communicate indirectly.

I hope this helps. Please post back and let us all know what you try and how it works.

I have issues with the idea of being "converted." Why, in heaven's name, would some one want to force their partner into something that they have no interest in? Sure, if a partner already has leanings towards submission or domination, than that is different. You would simply give them a comfortable place to help grow those feelings. But to take one who has absolutely no interest and somehow "make" them interested? I think you need to rethink what the priorities are for you.

You don't say if the woman you are with is your wife or is in any way a very serious relationship. You do state you have strong feelings to dominate. You also state you have met a woman who has strong feelings to be dominated. Okay. Seems simple to me. Gently break it off with the woman who cannot meet your needs and explore a relationship with the woman who seemingly can.

Okay, so it's simple to me. But if you know this woman you love is "EXTREMELY vanilla," and after repeated attempts to have her become more involved with BDSM with no sucess, I would have to say she is who she is. And you either accept who she is for who she is, or you have some tough decisions to make. And no, I'm not one to say that being involved with one person and turning to another to meet a very basic need is a good thing. But that's just my own personal thing and doesn't work for everyone.

Bring kink into the relationship and slowly build her passion up for more. But dont be surprised if her tolerence level is lower then you like.

Talk to her. If you dont feel you can talk directly bring up topics via articles, TV shows, etc.

SexyChele said:

I have issues with the idea of being "converted." Why, in heaven's name, would some one want to force their partner into something that they have no interest in? Sure, if a partner already has leanings towards submission or domination, than that is different. You would simply give them a comfortable place to help grow those feelings. But to take one who has absolutely no interest and somehow "make" them interested? I think you need to rethink what the priorities are for you.

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I would agree, Chele. Forcing a conversion isn't going to work. On the other hand, *inspiring* an *interest* might work.

The thing is, a lot of people don't realize that they would enjoy something until they experience it in a particular way or with a particular person.

Also, she might be willing/able to go for it in a part time or occasional mode.

It isn't clear yet if David can live with complete submission some of the time. Maybe the SO get into it every once in a while and maybe that's enough for him.

Of course, it might take years to find the answers to those questions. In that case, is he willing to take the risk that her answers might really be "no"?

In the end, sometimes the love of your life is worth the sacrifice of a major part of your needs/wants/desires. Sometimes you have to settle for not getting everything you want.

I certainly thank all of you for all the advice you have shared. Certainly angela and chele have given me insite through her eyes. I have tried slowly pushing the envelop so to speak, going months at a time without mentioning any of this, but simply attempting different things in the heat of passion, and sometimes she responds. But I think it is because it felt good at the time. I feel certain that I will need to set aside my needs and accept the love of this incredible woman who I adore. But the desire to see not only love, but true submission in her eyes may never happen. I don't expect 24/7, especially in public as I know she would be very embarrassed to do. But at home, especially our time spent together both in and out of the bedroom is something I have desired for a long time. One thing is certain, that there is no option for an "affair" behind her back. I am not that type of person. I enjoy the erotic chat and banter in this and other chatrooms, I suppose that just fuels the fire. But my word and honor mean more than sex. So I think that my plan is to keep slowly trying to open the door, creatively inspiring her and see what develops. Again, thank you all for your help.

p.s. I guess the choice of words "convert" was not exactly correct, and I thank angela for the alternative of "inspiring an interest" as more appropriate. I would not want to make her into something she is not chele. But thank you for addressing that.

You may never see submission in her eyes.


But you may see something better. You may see Love, Respect, Warmth, True Caring and Deep Commitment. You may see a woman who will stand by your side unwaveringly. As the song said, seeing your unborn children in her eyes.

That My Friend is worth more then anything else in the world.

Thank you David

One last suggestion: Try being strong for her but not necessarily dominant. Protect her, take care of her, sweep her off her feet, be romantic.

Watch "Gone With the Wind" with her and for the next several days, do your best Rhett Butler impressions for her.

Sometimes strength and power can be such a huge turn-on that we find ourselves wanting to be submissive just to feel the strength of a strong man.

Again, as with everything else we've suggested, it might not work but it won't cost you much either.

sigsauerprinces said:

i think hes asking HOW to talk to his vanilla wife about bdsm. which isnt easy.

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I agree he needs to talk to her,, and this is not going to be easy,, as I have a vanilla husband who just can not understand of my needs at all but gives me a bit of slack to do what I must. he may be shcoked at her open minded abilities, and it may cause termol,, He will never know unitl he tires and denying himself and who he is is not the answer.