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The AH Bible

wishfulthinking

wishfulthinking

Misbehaving
Joined
Nov 3, 2003
Posts
1,972
I was thinking ;) why don't we have a guide for newbie authors (like me) of pet hates?

Or have we done this thread already?

If not, I propose 2.

1. Names of characters that cannot pronouced, or are completely ridiculous.

2. Weird names for genitalia.
 
wishfulthinking said:
1. Names of characters that cannot pronouced, or are completely ridiculous.

2. Weird names for genitalia.
Click to expand...

Has anyone ever named a character Genitalia?
 
We had a list of "Backclick Triggers" a while ago: those things that immediately make you stop reading a story and bail out. It's a pretty big list, but among the most mentioned:

--penis length and cup size
--exclamation marks in the prose
--"I'm cuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmiiiiinnnnnnngggggggg!!!!!!"
--stories told in the second person (I/you)
--"It was a night I'll never forget"
--"The most beautiful set of tits I'd ever seen"
--for some curmudgeons (ahem), the mirror scene, where a character is described while he/she looks at themselves in a mirror
--cliches
--strings of simple, declarative sentences ("It was her anniversary. She and Bob would be going out for dinner. She was excited about it. She looked at herself in the mirror...")
--anyone being described in terms of a movie star.
--big, monolithic paragraphs
--long strings of dialogue without identifying the speaker

etc. etc.

---dr.M.
 
Re: Re: The AH Bible

shereads said:
Has anyone ever named a character Genitalia?


Oops!
It's not latex.
It's leather.
Click to expand...

What? You never clean leather? Try saddle soap, then revitalise with Meltonian Cream.

Feminine hygiene spray was orginally invented by a dour florist who felt Florida's state flower, the genitalia, needed to have its aroma modified.

I'm not sure if this made the genitalia more popular for floral arangements, but it does explain the origin of the world's most useless toiletry product.

I'll stop in at FDS after work and order you a dozen. Keep them in tepid water, cold water makes them wilt.

P.S.: Sher and McKenna both sound like great motivations to explore new avenues of online sensuality, but I started a new job and must delay fun with restraints until I know how much time I have left to play.
 
Last edited:
wishfulthinking said:
I was thinking ;) why don't we have a guide for newbie authors (like me) of pet hates?
Click to expand...
Dear WT,
Oh, okay. I'll get right on it as soon as I finish my dictionary.
MG
 
Re: Re: The AH Bible

MathGirl said:
Dear WT,
Oh, okay. I'll get right on it as soon as I finish my dictionary.
MG
Click to expand...
A MathGirl's work is never done.

Unlike a Rumple Foreskin, whose work has never started. :cool:
 
And another

Thou shalt not change character POV mid paragraph.

Lou
 
Another: Thou shalt not attempt to write stories like Og.

Even he gets it wrong.

Og
 
Spontaneous fucking with no rationale behind it is a peeve of mine

How about, thou shalt not whine, but thy shall use sarcasm as often as possible on the boards
 
wishfulthinking said:
I... 1. Names of characters that cannot pronouced, or are completely ridiculous. ...
Click to expand...
I try to do this in every novel. That is because my pet hate is Microsoft Reader's oily voice, so I make sure that "readers" who have my books read to them have a hard time.

Hermione was a good example. MR comes out with Her My One.

PS Now I am trying to make my living at it I suppose I'll have to stop trying to piss off a small segment of my readership!
 
dr_mabeuse said:
We had a list of "Backclick Triggers" a while ago: those things that immediately make you stop reading a story and bail out. It's a pretty big list, but among the most mentioned:

--penis length and cup size
--exclamation marks in the prose
--"I'm cuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmiiiiinnnnnnngggggggg!!!!!!"
--stories told in the second person (I/you)
--"It was a night I'll never forget"
--"The most beautiful set of tits I'd ever seen"
--for some curmudgeons (ahem), the mirror scene, where a character is described while he/she looks at themselves in a mirror
--cliches
--strings of simple, declarative sentences ("It was her anniversary. She and Bob would be going out for dinner. She was excited about it. She looked at herself in the mirror...")
--anyone being described in terms of a movie star.
--big, monolithic paragraphs
--long strings of dialogue without identifying the speaker

etc. etc.

---dr.M.
Click to expand...

Describing characters raises interesting questions in itself. I usually try to avoid it, because I believe readers identify with characters more easily if you let them create their own mental image. My next story includes a description of the heroine, however, and a shorter decsription of her lover because I had the story critiqued before its final rewrite and some critiquers complained that I hadn't described the characters. Getting a story critiqued has its drawbacks. By the time I had made all the suggested changes that sounded worthwhile, a 3,500 to 4,000 word story had grown into over 10,000 words. I've had fairly goot luck with the shorter lengths, so I'll be interested to see what kind of reader response the longer work gets.
 
Oh at last a legitimate place to air a pet peeve. You know one of those ,that kind of eat away at your guts over time if left unexpressed?

The use of the word sloppy to describe anything vaguely sexual ie a sloppy blow job...wet, juicy, well lubricated, slick, soaking...but please not sloppy! Sloppy makes me want to puke.

I quote The Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary; slop ~ dirty water or liquid waste, contents of kitchen or bedroom or prison vessels. Unappetizing weak liquid food, dregs, a quantity of liquid spilled, a weakly sentimental utterance.:eek:

Does any of that sound erotic to anyone? Spleen vented. Thank you.:)
 
herecomestherain said:
Oh at last a legitimate place to air a pet peeve...
Click to expand...
Thanks for the permission, I'll take advantage of that if I may?
herecomestherain said:
... know one of those ,that kind of eat ...
Click to expand...
I just truly hate to see punctuation after the space and not before it. I know it is silly and trivial, but it grates on my nerves.
 
herecomestherain said:
Oh at last a legitimate place to air a pet peeve. You know one of those ,that kind of eat away at your guts over time if left unexpressed?

The use of the word sloppy to describe anything vaguely sexual ie a sloppy blow job...wet, juicy, well lubricated, slick, soaking...but please not sloppy! Sloppy makes me want to puke.

I quote The Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary; slop ~ dirty water or liquid waste, contents of kitchen or bedroom or prison vessels. Unappetizing weak liquid food, dregs, a quantity of liquid spilled, a weakly sentimental utterance.:eek:

Does any of that sound erotic to anyone? Spleen vented. Thank you.:)
Click to expand...
Not exactly.

On the other hand, the first definition of "SLOP" in the 1999 edition of the Encarta dictionary is, "SOMETHING SPILLED, a liquied that has spilled or overflowed. And, of course, the word in question isn't SLOP, but SLOPPY. The first definition of SLOPPY is, "MESSY, lacking in order or tidiness."

Maybe it's just me, but those definitions seem to have a lot more sexual potential.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
deliciously_naughty said:
How about, thou shalt not whine, but thy shall use sarcasm as often as possible on the boards
Click to expand...
Dear Del,
I just hate it when people get sarcastic. It spoils my whole AH experience.
Jingoistically,
MG
 
McKenna said:
Oh, I thought this was a thread to help newbies to the AH forum... you know, explanations about the sheep and garderobe, and why it's not appropriate to ask The Question... (Or why it's fun to torment those who do.)

Here I thought I was finally going to learn all the ins and outs to this place.

:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

I think that you are expected to lurk for a while. If you read some of the back threads the sheep and the garderobe are simple. Even four foot BMs if you go back far enough.

The question that I cannot answer is:

Who is DurtGurl?

and Why?

Is she an example of "L'acte gratuite"? (Andre Gide)

Jeanne
 
From what we've been told, DurtGurl is MathGirl's aunt, sister, third cousin, fourth cousin, AND uncle.
 
"I'm cuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmiiiiinnnnnnngggggggg!!!!!!"

Lovers of the world, let me ask you. Does anyone ever say this? I mean, in my 26 years alive and the opportunity to either cause or witness that special moment with a small but fondly remembered handful of women, not one have ever said those words. They and I have either cummed (come, cameth, comet, comma?), or occationally not (Hey, we all have bad days, right? ... Right?), but noone have ever felt the urge to with such eloquence inform the partner about the current status all the time.

I mean dammit, they barelyt even say it in porn. I thought that's where all the bad erotic clichés came from.
 
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