"THE" Gift Exchange/Return

I'm sure we've all heard that a person's submission is a gift to his/her Dominant.

So after a relationship ends (with very little closure) how does one take back this precious gift?

I don't want to go into what an asshole this particular Dominant is/was.

I just want some advice for my friend who is going through a really rough time.

She trusted him and he shattered her trust. Now he's all she can think about. Being her first D/s relationship it was more intense for her. She's been in love before but as some might understand, this is different.

I want to help her mend her broken heart, her shattered trust and even her deflated self worth. I know I'm not asking too much am I ?

My first D/s relationship ended REALLY badly, and I thought I was so in love with this guy, it made me crazy. I had all these notions that if I just acted like the perfect sub he would take me back...till I realized that he was a bad guy...and that is not talking about the dom part, he was a good dom, he was just a shitty guy, and not my type, and once I started being able to see that as "bad" as I was for him, he was worse for me, I stared getting my power back, so that finally, I didn't melt everytime I saw him, and I didn't jump to do as he said, even after we broke up. (due to mutual friends we still saw each other almost everyday) The real test? One night after a party, he tried to get me back...and he tried all the little tricks he knew and I turned him down flat, and it was easy as pie, because the thing is, when he is not a dom anymore, he is just a guy...and its ok to mouth off to him when he is just a guy, it is ok to say no, to tell him to go fuck himself, and to know that when you are no longer the sub, and he is no longer the dom, the playing field is levelled, you are even, and he is...just a guy...no extra powers, no nothing...much easier to get over (for me anyway)

My trust was shattered after my first relationship with a Dom ended badly as well. It took the better part of a year to recover enough that he wasn't in my thoughts every day. It took a while before I believed I deserved to be happy. Nothing but time, friends who are willing to listen when she needs to talk, and moving on with her life will help. It takes forever to get through the process.

I guess the other thing we have to remember is that there are always 2 sides to every story. I don't know the people involved but I do know that relationships end for a reason. Often one partner sees it coming and tries desperately to avoid the inevitable. Both parties grieve and hurt when it's over. It's tempting to think of this Dominant as an asshole, but he may truly be a guy who did his best in a situation that couldn't be repaired and is hurting now just as she is. I've watched a few relationships come and go. I'm trying hard not to take sides these days.

I hope your friend's pain eases soon. It's an awful place to be emotionally.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.


Gibran

Guess it is going to take a lot of time to get past. Depends on the person as to how this pain can be eased. Sometimes it requires some reality checks being brought up, sometimes being around others in the lifestyle...perhaps a mentor type Dom who would be there to listen, maybe reading some of those inspirational self help books which give little exercises and pep talks to get you living again, and certainly a caring friend like yourself S&D is not going to go astray. If it is more than a broken heart/trust issue and she really has been abused by her former Dominant, I have heard of a place which takes such subs in for their protection for a no time limit period until they feel stronger and able to cope alone.

Catalina

WD, that was lovely...

You'll all have to excuse my slightly biased opinion of late...I know that when I went through things with him, it ended badly, and it wasn't all his fault, but a lot of it had to do with his issues. It took me a long time to realize I am more than just his property, that there was a me before him, that there will be a me after him. No other relationship has ever ended so badly, and no one has ever been able to destroy me so completely without me struggling to fight it...anyway, my point is, this incident, and a few others as of late has given me a slightly anti bent towards all things male...sorry...Hope I get over it soon.

Dont forget, as far as your friend goes, yes it does take two to tango, and she probably isn't completely innocent of doing anything wrong, but there is a time for honesty, and there is a time for blind sympathy, and if your friend is as destroyed as she sounds, maybe now isn't the time to be rational and lay blame, only to love her, and be her friend...

hurtme said:

Dont forget, as far as your friend goes, yes it does take two to tango, and she probably isn't completely innocent of doing anything wrong, but there is a time for honesty, and there is a time for blind sympathy, and if your friend is as destroyed as she sounds, maybe now isn't the time to be rational and lay blame, only to love her, and be her friend...

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That's my point. She needs to feel the love of her friends right now.

Letting go is hard and the only thing that heals is time. It's my belief that we are all spiritual creatures locked in a physical body and one purpose of our being here is to learn lessons that we need to learn.

"It's my belief that we are all spiritual creatures locked in a physical body and one purpose of our being here is to learn lessons that we need to learn."

if we are spiritual beings why is it so difficult to have

wisdom
compassion
and humour?

Thank you to everyone who answered my cry for help.

I understand that her heart is broken, and of course there are tons of other things that are involved. But I don't want to air out everything on this forum. I just want to help her get over this man and hopefully move on with that area of her life...eventually. I know time is the great healer, but sometimes (ok, most times) I just don't have the patience and it's helpful to me to 'hear' from others that this IS just what I need to do for her. blind sympathy IS excatly what I'm going to do/be for her. I'm going to listen and try to figure out when I need to say something and when I don't. I know that for most people who have a problem of sorts, just need someone to listen to them. I hope that's what I've been for her.

Again, thanks to everyone.

Oh, one more thing. He didn't abuse her physically, but certainly emotionally and mentally. In my opinion anyhow. That bastard. Dangit. I wasn't going to say that !

Sex & Diamonds said:

I'm sure we've all heard that a person's submission is a gift to his/her Dominant.

So after a relationship ends (with very little closure) how does one take back this precious gift?

I don't want to go into what an asshole this particular Dominant is/was.

I just want some advice for my friend who is going through a really rough time.

She trusted him and he shattered her trust. Now he's all she can think about. Being her first D/s relationship it was more intense for her. She's been in love before but as some might understand, this is different.

I want to help her mend her broken heart, her shattered trust and even her deflated self worth. I know I'm not asking too much am I ?

Click to expand...

After reading this post and the responses, I have a question.
And please, before I ask, know that I respect each poster and your views.
My question is....... Why is what she's feeling so different from what someone who has broken it off with a "nilla" man?
Does not the "nilla" scorned feel that their trust has been broken? And what if say, the said "nilla" man cheated, lied, and was not only a drunk, but a druggie? Wouldn't the "nilla" woman feel much the same as your friend?
Just because we are in a lifestyle that goes beyond what society says is "normal" doesn't give us different feelings than anyone else in my opinion. We all feel rejection, longing, loneliness whatever our sexual orientation. And, its wonderful to have family and loving friends there to help you pick yourself up and begin living again. Breaking up with your lover is a horrible experience no matter if it was a bad relationship or a good one. And ending a M/s relationship is much the same as any other one. You are still grieving for that beautiful love and security that you once had.
I can attest to this as I've ended both "nilla" and a M/s relationship and I felt shattered from both.

Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts Sex & Diamonds, and I pray that your friend overcomes the grief she is currently having to see that when one door closes, another always opens. She only has to look to see it.
Blessings to all

-kym- been there, done that too

Re: Re: "THE" Gift Exchange/Return

MY-Sir's-k- said:

After reading this post and the responses, I have a question.
And please, before I ask, know that I respect each poster and your views.
My question is....... Why is what she's feeling so different from what someone who has broken it off with a "nilla" man?
Does not the "nilla" scorned feel that their trust has been broken? And what if say, the said "nilla" man cheated, lied, and was not only a drunk, but a druggie? Wouldn't the "nilla" woman feel much the same as your friend?
Just because we are in a lifestyle that goes beyond what society says is "normal" doesn't give us different feelings than anyone else in my opinion. We all feel rejection, longing, loneliness whatever our sexual orientation. And, its wonderful to have family and loving friends there to help you pick yourself up and begin living again. Breaking up with your lover is a horrible experience no matter if it was a bad relationship or a good one. And ending a M/s relationship is much the same as any other one. You are still grieving for that beautiful love and security that you once had.
I can attest to this as I've ended both "nilla" and a M/s relationship and I felt shattered from both.

Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts Sex & Diamonds, and I pray that your friend overcomes the grief she is currently having to see that when one door closes, another always opens. She only has to look to see it.
Blessings to all

-kym- been there, done that too

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(because I haven't a clue how to quote you more then once I'll do it this way)

Why is what she's feeling so different from what someone who has broken it off with a "nilla" man? - I don't believe it is different, I believe it is perhaps a stronger feeling.

Just because we are in a lifestyle that goes beyond what society says is "normal" doesn't give us different feelings than anyone else in my opinion. - Correct me if I'm way off here(please do, I really mean that and I mean no offence at all here) but in a D/s or M/s relationship does the trust between the Dominant and the submissive run just a wee bit deeper then in a "normal" relationship? I mean, do all couples trust the other enough to tie them, blindfold them and then whip them? Is that a "normal" level of trust? Would a "normal" couple understand the mind fuck that usually goes with a scene, and how to handle the effects..before and after?

The feelings may not be different persay, but in my opinion they are much much deeper. At least in the trust area's. Am I way off base here or what ?

Oh, it's nice to meet ya kym, please feel free to share any and all of your opinions, as this is what this forum is all about, No?



S&D

They trust them deeply not to... they turn their back or snuggle up and spoon, and trust them not to do all those things we fervently hope are done. I too think it's not that much different. An honest relationship is an honest relationship... trust is trust... knowing someone to their core is a deep thing, that's not what we are talking about here. When you choose to believe and are disappointed it hurts, nilla or kinky. If she were entirely vanilla and happy with that, she wouldn't be saying, well yeah it hurts a little bit, but if it were Master/slave relationship it would really hurt! She may need that support now, that it is so much greater than a vanilla relationship, but that's because it's what she wants and/or needs.

Re: Re: Re: "THE" Gift Exchange/Return

Sex & Diamonds said:

(because I haven't a clue how to quote you more then once I'll do it this way)

Why is what she's feeling so different from what someone who has broken it off with a "nilla" man? - I don't believe it is different, I believe it is perhaps a stronger feeling.

Just because we are in a lifestyle that goes beyond what society says is "normal" doesn't give us different feelings than anyone else in my opinion. - Correct me if I'm way off here(please do, I really mean that and I mean no offence at all here) but in a D/s or M/s relationship does the trust between the Dominant and the submissive run just a wee bit deeper then in a "normal" relationship? I mean, do all couples trust the other enough to tie them, blindfold them and then whip them? Is that a "normal" level of trust? Would a "normal" couple understand the mind fuck that usually goes with a scene, and how to handle the effects..before and after?

The feelings may not be different persay, but in my opinion they are much much deeper. At least in the trust area's. Am I way off base here or what ?

Oh, it's nice to meet ya kym, please feel free to share any and all of your opinions, as this is what this forum is all about, No?



S&D

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Thank you for your reply S&D, and I value your opinion. Yes, we are on a board that encourages us to share and at times debate our opinions. Please know that whilst I'm not in full agreement with yours, I respect your thoughts.
What my original intent was to say that if one loves another, whether they had been in a "nilla" or M/s relationship, (this being any relationship that has been fully trusting); The feelings at the end of said relationship would be the same.
I didn't mean to imply that all "nilla" relationships could be compared to the level of trust as a M/s relationship. My faux pas there. I suppose I was applying my past to the situation. I tend to love deeply and fully.
That being said, I meant no disrespect, and truly was only asking a question. Please accept my apology if any offense was taken.

-kym- Inquiring minds sometimes say too much :-X

kym no offence was taken at all.

Point taken.

In this particular situation, because it was her first M/s relationship and he had experience. Going into this relationship they had come to their agreements with regards to limits and responsibilities and such.

He ignored his responsibilities to her well being. He damaged her mind and her spirit. I know that those in 'nilla' relationships have the same feelings, after all we are all human beings with the same basic feelings. I'm just angry that he would ....do such a thing.

I started this thread out of frustration for the pain my friend is in and because on my own journey into the lifestyle, as I watch and learn from others, I'm learning. Perhaps I'm too trusting. I tend to take most people at their word. Honor means something to me. I forget that it may not mean a thing to others.

I did not mean to argue if a M/s or D/s relationship envokes deeper feelings compared to a nilla. I only wanted to vent and try to help my friend.

Thanks again to all for your comments, suggestions and most of all your words of encouragement.

S&D

Sex & Diamonds said:

<snip>

In this particular situation, because it was her first M/s relationship and he had experience. Going into this relationship they had come to their agreements with regards to limits and responsibilities and such.

He ignored his responsibilities to her well being. He damaged her mind and her spirit. I know that those in 'nilla' relationships have the same feelings, after all we are all human beings with the same basic feelings. I'm just angry that he would ....do such a thing.

S&D

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He damaged her mind?? OMG. That sounds pretty extreme. I can't even really conceive of what kind of symptoms she has that makes you say her mind has been damaged. It's scary. I guess I wonder how that could happen within the framework of limits, safe words, etc. If there is anything (general concepts, etc) you can share without violating confidences that would help others avoid the same trap, I would certainly appreciate it.

I hate that your friend is suffering. But maybe her suffering will help some other person to avoid a similar fate.

Sex & Diamonds said:

kym no offence was taken at all.

Point taken.

In this particular situation, because it was her first M/s relationship and he had experience. Going into this relationship they had come to their agreements with regards to limits and responsibilities and such.

He ignored his responsibilities to her well being. He damaged her mind and her spirit. I know that those in 'nilla' relationships have the same feelings, after all we are all human beings with the same basic feelings. I'm just angry that he would ....do such a thing.

I started this thread out of frustration for the pain my friend is in and because on my own journey into the lifestyle, as I watch and learn from others, I'm learning. Perhaps I'm too trusting. I tend to take most people at their word. Honor means something to me. I forget that it may not mean a thing to others.

I did not mean to argue if a M/s or D/s relationship envokes deeper feelings compared to a nilla. I only wanted to vent and try to help my friend.

Thanks again to all for your comments, suggestions and most of all your words of encouragement.

S&D

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Ahhhh, the plot thickens. Now I see the entire picture S&D, and understand your point.
I would feel the same if it was one of my friends. He misused his authority. This wasn't a case of a M/s growing stale.
What is wrong with people when they forget that they have been given a gift? Its not theirs by some Divine right.
I am truly sorry for making you explain yourself and pray that your friend is able to see the brighter side of life and in time, be healed by the love that surrounds her.

-kym- seeing clearly now

I too just recently broke up with my BF... not necessary a D/s relationship but was incorporated in the bedroom...

I had 100000000% in my realtionship with only to find out well at the end trust and honesty didn't mean shit.....

it has been 2 months and still can not get him out of my head... I am trying so hard to move on and get on with my life but everytime I try there is another set back.... It will be very hard for me to trust another man in the future,.... It sucks because the next guy probably won't be an asshole as the past one was... and I won't be giving them all my trust in them....

Time time time... I know that is what it will take.... How much time is the question.... I know what your friend is going thru... stay strong and listen.... let her vent... venting helps me some... get angry scream... get it all out... cry cry cry... cry till ya can't cry anymore.... and then cry some more... I did this and it did help some but ultimately it will take time...

Good luck to your friend,
DGN

MY-Sir's-k- said:

Ahhhh, the plot thickens. Now I see the entire picture S&D, and understand your point.
I would feel the same if it was one of my friends. He misused his authority. This wasn't a case of a M/s growing stale.
What is wrong with people when they forget that they have been given a gift? Its not theirs by some Divine right.
I am truly sorry for making you explain yourself and pray that your friend is able to see the brighter side of life and in time, be healed by the love that surrounds her.

-kym- seeing clearly now

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kym,

Don't be sorry, I should have been clearer so that people didn't think I was putting more emphasis on the pain of a break up in an M/s relationship then a nilla.

DisGirlisNutz said:

I too just recently broke up with my BF... not necessary a D/s relationship but was incorporated in the bedroom...

I had 100000000% in my realtionship with only to find out well at the end trust and honesty didn't mean shit.....

it has been 2 months and still can not get him out of my head... I am trying so hard to move on and get on with my life but everytime I try there is another set back.... It will be very hard for me to trust another man in the future,.... It sucks because the next guy probably won't be an asshole as the past one was... and I won't be giving them all my trust in them....

Time time time... I know that is what it will take.... How much time is the question.... I know what your friend is going thru... stay strong and listen.... let her vent... venting helps me some... get angry scream... get it all out... cry cry cry... cry till ya can't cry anymore.... and then cry some more... I did this and it did help some but ultimately it will take time...

Good luck to your friend,
DGN

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Thanks DGN, it's so damn frustrating to see her going through this and feeling helpless. This is one of those situations where I wish the time would just hurry the heck up and do it's magic.

Thanks for sharing and I hope that...your heart heals fully.


S&D