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Old 02-03-2013, 04:24 AM   #1
ameliajax
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Hi, my name is amelia, and I'm a submissive ...

Ok, now you all say, "Hi Amelia!"

I've been reading this site for years, and have just recently gotten up the nerve to start submitting my stories. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm nervous that no one will read what I'm writing. Or that they will, and they'll hate it. Anyone want to throw out some words of encouragement?

I'm also writing a blog, telling my "life story" or part of my life's story, and how I came to discover I am a submissive. Or at least a part-time submissive. I can't tell if there is anywhere to post links to a personal (very personal!) blog, but I figured I may as well start here. Are there any rules against that? I swear, I'm not selling anything, it's just a memoir, that I'm hoping to turn into a book some day, if I can get it to all come out right.

Here's the link, if anyone is interested:

http://bloodmoonmemoirs.blogspot.com/

Wish me luck, and happy writing everyone!
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:08 AM   #2
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Hi, Amelia. I've more formally responded to your presence here in the Punishments thread, in this post. But for here, and briefly: Welcome.
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:26 AM   #3
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Welcome to Lit.

You could also link your blog as your "sig line" at the bottom of your posts; you should be able to do that through the User CP button at the top of the forum.
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Old 02-03-2013, 12:43 PM   #4
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Thank you cutiemouse! Someone else told me that, as well, and I'm trying to figure it out. I'm technically challenged, at best ...
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Old 02-03-2013, 04:46 PM   #5
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What kind of "a submissive" are you? I always like to ask...
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Old 02-03-2013, 04:51 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
Thank you cutiemouse! Someone else told me that, as well, and I'm trying to figure it out. I'm technically challenged, at best ...
Just so you know, this full colonel in the grammar corps rankles at the "X-challenged" construct. You otherwise appear to be appreciably literate and I bave no doubt that your stories will attract an audience here.
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Old 02-03-2013, 07:38 PM   #7
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Welcome to Lit. Just from your post I like the way you write
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Old 02-04-2013, 03:10 AM   #8
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Sir Winston, thank you for your words and welcome. I really appreciate it.

And thanks, KlaytonFrost!


Stella_Omega ... Your question gave me the most pause. I have no idea what kind of submissive I am. Semi-retired? Sad? Suburban?

I'm trying to figure that out so that I don't have to give it all up. My only D/s relationship was with someone I had history with, it was mostly online, It was a Master/pet kind of thing, though nothing specific. We were in the process of figuring it all out when it had to end. I'm still dealing with that. While also trying to introduce my husband to my needs without either of us freaking out. Because I need it ...

When I was still with my Master, I would try to do some research, but sometimes the fact that I couldn't live a 24/7 life with him would make me so sad I didn't even want to know what the possibilities were.

Now ... aren't you sorry you asked???
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Old 02-04-2013, 04:00 AM   #9
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Kinda yeah, because I know just how you feel, and I feel for you.

Do you want to be subjected to my tough-love, buck-up-kid, you-can-do-it spiel?
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Old 02-04-2013, 01:49 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
Kinda yeah, because I know just how you feel, and I feel for you.

Do you want to be subjected to my tough-love, buck-up-kid, you-can-do-it spiel?



Stella_Omega, yes please! I need all of the tough-love, buck-up-kid, you-can-do-it spiels I can get! I don't have really anyone to talk to about this situation ...
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:33 PM   #11
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Okay, here goes..

I remember going through that sense of heartache about 15 years ago. Mostly, I am afraid, we are mourning our lost youth. We all want to be beloved pampered (also young, beautiful, limber) slaves 24/7, I'm sorry it doesn't work out that way.

The truth is, D/s relationships end up looking almost identical to conventional marriages eventually, and I am talking about Masters and slaves that wear sashes and appear in national events in metal bikinis and jewelled collars... Everyone has to keep groceries on the table. All those novels are just novels.

"True submission" (which is a deeply embarrassing phrase to utter around here, BTW) centers not on what your master can do for your body, but what you can do for your master. In that sense, if you really wanted to be submissive to your husband, you could be. Several people here have discussed that way to do things, if I can think of a keyword for a search, but we can find them for you

But if you are like a lot of women-- what we actually mean when we say "submissive," Is "receiver of sensation and attention, from a guy that reads my mind." You might want to read the essay in my signature, and see if it pings anything for you...


As far as introducing your husband to what you need-- my advice is to not talk to him about "domination" in those words. For most guys-- unless they are already wired that way-- it's like a horrible guessing game that they know they will not win. Women of a certain age (who have husbands of a certain age) kinda need to go another route.

Many men can "top" where they cannot "Dominate." And they learn by doing, as we all do. I know it feels like cheating, or something's not real, if you tell him; "Tie me to the bed and spank me, I'm going to love it" but really-- that's sort of the tack you have to take. "Tell me," you demand, "To suck your cock."

Or whatever language works for him. Which is something people have also talked about here...
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Old 02-04-2013, 09:16 PM   #12
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So, okay-- I've gotten two PMs from people reacting to my statement about telling a guy how to top you, and how it seems 'not right.'

I have a pretty strong opinion about it, I bet you would never have guessed! But-- anyone want to voice theirs?
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:14 AM   #13
bhndblueyes88
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I think telling someone how to top you is not very "submissive", persay, but communication has to go both ways and that requires a bit of telling! If the PYL wants their partner/significant other to enjoy themselves in their pyl-dom, then doesn't it just seem more practical on everyone's part to have that communication?

I mean, what sounds more fun for everyone?

Scenario 1: "Master/sir/dear/whatever, I like it when you do X because Y." "Okay, Pet/slave/sweetheart/whatever, that is duly noted and I will encorporate it as I wish."

Scenario 2: pyl's thoughts: I just can't be happy unless X happens but I don't want to say anything so I'm going to be miserable and bitch on the internet about it but absolutely refuse to communicate with my PYL in any fashion because that RUINS IT FOREVAR
PYL's thoughts: They really don't seem into this. I guess I'll just stop all together or *off in own world la la tidah* or I can't figure out what they want! This is so frustrating!!!


I suppose if you're in a deal where the PYL has absolutely no desire to elicit pleasure in a pyl, this is largely irrelevant. However, in your situation where you're a married couple (who I'm presuming are also a loving couple), I can't imagine there's not a desire for some mutual satisfaction! Talking about it really is the best way to achieve that.

EDIT: Also, HELLO! Welcome and thank you for being a reasonable literate individual!
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:35 AM   #14
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*shrug* Speaking for myself, I figured out pretty quickly that I am not much submissive, even though the available novels out there claimed that's what I had to be in order to be Done Unto. That I could NOT count on Magical Masters to 'force' me to do what i was longing for-- they might 'force' me to do things that were exceedingly boring unto me, or stop way too soon, or shy away from the guessing game altogether, and OMG I want to apologise to some guys SO much. Also, never see some guys ever again.

What I am saying, as I say over and over, is that not every woman who comes here saying she is submissive actually is. Not every man who has been shoved into a position of responsiblity for two people's Happiness are actually able to shoulder that.

Know Thy gahdamn self, ladies and gents. Know your own self, and then-- introduce yourself to your partners.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:36 AM   #15
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Welcome to lit!!!
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:56 AM   #16
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Hey Stella_Omega and bhndblueyes88 --

You both bring up good points. (Though, may I say, Stella, that your "buck-up-you-can-do-it was a bit more of a lecture than a spiel?) You've got the tough love down, though! It seems that you have broached this subject before.

I honestly don't know much about what being a true submissive means. Like I said, because of my situation, I would go back and forth between wanting to research and figure out what I felt meant, and being sad when I saw how many people out there were really living this lifestyle 24/7.

Without boring you with too many details (that's what my blog is for, boring people who can't tell me I'm boring!) I had a secret, mostly online relationship with a man I called Master, because we don't live in the same state. We did get to see each other a number of times over the last 2.5 years. But for the most part it was a non-physical relationship. We were exploring the Dom/sub dynamic together. Trying to figure out what it meant to both of us. We talked about it a lot.

So here's a question: Am I really submissive, if it felt very right and natural submitting to my Master, but not to my husband? I love my husband, but he does not have the type of personality that ... inspires submission in me. The thought of kneeling for him, calling him Master or Sir or whatever, of telling him I would do anything to please him. Of really FEELING I would do anything to please him ... it makes me a little sick and panicky.

But I felt all of those things for my Master. I found myself doing things for him or at his command, without a second thought, that I never thought I could do. Or wanted to. I learned so much from and with him. How it didn't matter how I felt about something, I didn't need to feel embarrassment, or self-conscious, it only mattered that I please him.

Exploring this side of myself with him brought into sharper focus all these feeling and urges I had had all my life. I felt I had found myself, something that was missing in my life.

But again, I don't feel like I can submit that freely to my husband. We've talked about it a little bit. He wants to try "be all that I need." But it doesn't come naturally to him. I know we have to talk about it, even though you are right, telling him what to do to me ruins it a little.

But the sex isn't the problem. Is seems my husband has been doing some research of his own because lately he has been surprising me with tricks in the bedroom that he think I will like. And I DO like it. Especially since I don't have to direct him as much as I was afraid I would. Which is great. It's important if we are going to stay together.

But it's the other stuff, the non-sexual side of submitting, that I loved to do for my Master, that I can't do with him. At least not yet. Everything fell apart for me only a few months ago, so I'm still finding my way.

There are lots of reasons, I guess, that I don't feel I can submit to him. We have young kids. (so we could never be 24/7 anyway) I need him to be a partner in parenting, in our household, we need to be a team. As I said before, his personality ... he has always been very passive, he is not naturally a confident person. He is working on this. We have marital issues we are working on. Blah blah wah wah. One of the biggest problems is that, though I love him, I feel no passion for him.

I'm sorry. I'm new. I don't know you guys. I should probably shut up now.

But I will restate my question: Am I submissive if I don't want to submit to my husband? I mean, sure, I COULD ... but it wouldn't be real. It would be play-acting. Am I submissive if I only act that way during sex? Do "real" submissives want to submit to everyone they are in a relationship with?

I'm still trying to "know myself" ... it's not always easy.

behind blue eyes: yes, your scenario #1 is definitely preferable. I'm trying to live more that way, and not in a scenario #2 way, which I was doing for a long time. "My husband doesn't get me" etc. But it's easier said than done. How do you tell your husband of 10 years about needs you don't altogether understand? I was afraid to. He still doesn't understand. I think sometimes he thinks I am faking. He is happy to "try new things" in the bedroom, but has no interest in bringing it outside the bedroom.


Stella_Omega. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm pretending to me someone or something I'm not. I'm not some suburban mom who read 50 Shades of Grey (ugh) and wants to spice things up. I don't know what I am. I don't know the lingo. I don't know much of anything, I guess.

I just know I had a Master, and submitting to him made me feel stronger than I've ever felt. I felt more ME. And now that I've lost him, I have to figure out how to not lose me, too.

And now I've rambled on long enough. I'll try to find some answers before I really try to participate, I guess.


On another note ... I've only been posting for a few days, but I've gotten many thanks for being "literate." Is that a big problem around here???
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:00 AM   #17
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Oh my god. Now that I see how long I really rambled on, I have to apologize.

I won't do that again.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:00 AM   #18
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And thanks for the welcome, 123Josh!
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:15 AM   #19
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Amelia, thank you for your honesty. No, it is not boring! Especially when I look at how long my lecture went...

Yeah, you sound like someone who is submissive, more than a bottom. I totally apologise if it seemed like I was doubting you-- I don't doubt anyone who comes here looking for answers, only the language they use-- and that's not anyone's fault either. Even housewives who read 50 shades are on a journey, yanno? It's just that the parameters of the problem are different in many ways.

Yes, you certainly can be choosy about who you submit to. That's okay. And yeah, having kids puts a damper on things-- as does being locked into one kind of relationship and not the other... And it's really hard to teach old dogs new tricks...

Like I said though, there have been discussions about how to be submissive in spite of it all. Hopefully, some of the women will show up over the next few days...
( I love being bit, by the way... your blog made me smile!)
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Old 02-05-2013, 11:28 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
....So here's a question: Am I really submissive, if it felt very right and natural submitting to my Master, but not to my husband? I love my husband, but he does not have the type of personality that ... inspires submission in me. The thought of kneeling for him, calling him Master or Sir or whatever, of telling him I would do anything to please him. Of really FEELING I would do anything to please him ... it makes me a little sick and panicky.

But I felt all of those things for my Master. I found myself doing things for him or at his command, without a second thought, that I never thought I could do. Or wanted to. I learned so much from and with him. How it didn't matter how I felt about something, I didn't need to feel embarrassment, or self-conscious, it only mattered that I please him.

Exploring this side of myself with him brought into sharper focus all these feeling and urges I had had all my life. I felt I had found myself, something that was missing in my life.
IMNSHO, from the preceding three paragraphs, you probably would categorize as submissive, at least to some degree. Probably not Gorean kajira degree, though

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
But again, I don't feel like I can submit that freely to my husband. We've talked about it a little bit. He wants to try "be all that I need." But it doesn't come naturally to him. I know we have to talk about it, even though you are right, telling him what to do to me ruins it a little.
Even though I'm in a way repeating what others have said, I'll try putting this *communication* thing in a slightly different light. Though you are some sort of pyl, your husband *CAN'T* be your PYL if he has no idea what you want and need from your relationship.

That doesn't mean, however, that you should need to tell him, "Okay, get the black cane and smack my ass and the backs of my thighs 14 times with a force of x newtons, then raise me onto my knees with my face pressed into a pillow and lubelessly sodomize me until my screams reverberate through the pillow, the mattress, and the box springs, and shatter the wineglass on my nightstand."

It means that it would be good if the two of you could sit down in a non-sexual setting and discuss your individual and mutual needs and desires and abilities, e.g., "Darling Husband, I know this is outside most of your experience, but I find great satisfaction in [a], [c], [d], [f], [g], [l], [m] and [o]." "Darling Wife, I can get behind [a], [d], [f], [l], [m] and [o], and also [q], [r], [t], and [v], but for some psychological reason, [c] and [g] just don't work for me - in fact, they squick my ass out." In unison, "Darling [spouse], let's try incorporating some of these things into our sex life one or two at a time, and/or [the ones that aren't overtly sexual or D/s indicative] into our 'real' life (around the kids/others) occasionally, and see how that works out for us."

That's NOT telling him what to do. It's giving him a menu of items that you "have available" and allowing him to choose what he wants on his plate - that's submission. And it's also him suggesting, hey, there are some things that aren't on the menu you provided that I'd be interested in; might those be available? And you responding, well, yeah, they just might be!

Also, you mentioned that "it only mattered that I please him." Wellllll... service as a submissive isn't *always* exactly serving in the precise ways that the submissive prefers. Sometimes - a lot of times! - it's about serving in the ways that the PYL prefers/wants. The satisfaction for the pyl, as I understand it, comes from meeting the PYL's wants/needs. And it's also not always overt. It can be as simple as being aware that his coffee cup is cooling or getting close to empty and asking if he'd like a refill. It can be as simple and non-obvious as, during a family TV-watching session, instead of curling up in your favorite couch, quietly sitting at his feet with your arm resting on his thigh. These are things that would please many, if not most, PYLs.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
But the sex isn't the problem. Is seems my husband has been doing some research of his own because lately he has been surprising me with tricks in the bedroom that he think I will like. And I DO like it. Especially since I don't have to direct him as much as I was afraid I would. Which is great. It's important if we are going to stay together.
See above. And yes, I read this before typing that and deliberately separated these two portions of your post, to emphasize that you were actually saying some of what I was saying before I said it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
But it's the other stuff, the non-sexual side of submitting, that I loved to do for my Master, that I can't do with him. At least not yet.
Again, see above, particularly the final graf of that section, for the same reason.

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Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
Everything fell apart for me only a few months ago, so I'm still finding my way.
Amelia, most of us are still finding our way, every day. I'm 63 freakin' years old, been married three times (only once to an acknowledged pyl, though one of the others loved... well, no need for details ), and been doing and/or dreaming of some form of BDSM since some of my very earliest memories. None of us have all the answers to our *own* lives, let alone the lives of others. The best we can do is offer insights based on our lives and experiences, and wish you well - which we do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
There are lots of reasons, I guess, that I don't feel I can submit to him. We have young kids. (so we could never be 24/7 anyway) I need him to be a partner in parenting, in our household, we need to be a team. As I said before, his personality ... he has always been very passive, he is not naturally a confident person. He is working on this. We have marital issues we are working on. Blah blah wah wah. One of the biggest problems is that, though I love him, I feel no passion for him.
Again, see the last graf of the large section above regarding "quiet" submission. His natural "passivity" may simply have been, through societal conditioning, a tamping down of his PYL thoughts and desires - you never know until you talk about things together! And there's nothing in "the rule book" (WHAT rule book????) that says that if one person in a relationship is PYL and the other pyl, that they aren't or don't act as partners in things that need them to be "on one page," such as child-rearing/discipline, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
I'm sorry. I'm new. I don't know you guys. I should probably shut up now.
Nope. Shut up about shutting up.

You've presented an issue of a type we've seen before, but in a slightly different light, and we're enjoying stretching our brains out a bit to try to offer you a little guidance toward getting to the goal you want to reach.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
But I will restate my question: Am I submissive if I don't want to submit to my husband? I mean, sure, I COULD ... but it wouldn't be real. It would be play-acting. Am I submissive if I only act that way during sex? Do "real" submissives want to submit to everyone they are in a relationship with?
Yes, yes, no, in that order. There is no such thing as "real" or "true/twue" PYL-/pyl-hood. Again, discussion with your husband may lead to all kinds of interesting (and good!) things. Play-acting? Ever hear of cosplay? Millions of people get off (one way or another) on cosplay every month. Acting a role may, with time, get to be such second nature - to *both* of you - that it becomes no longer play-acting but your reality.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
I'm still trying to "know myself" ... it's not always easy.
If we're honest, darlin', we all are either trying to know ourselves... or hiding from what we already know of ourselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
.... I don't know what I am. I don't know the lingo. I don't know much of anything, I guess.

I just know I had a Master, and submitting to him made me feel stronger than I've ever felt. I felt more ME. And now that I've lost him, I have to figure out how to not lose me, too.
I'll agree, you don't know (all) the lingo. You don't know (entirely) who/what you are. You DO know enough (about both) to come to one of the finest fora on living the BDSM culture that I've found since the creation of the internet - and I've looked at a LOT. That I've been here for almost nine years speaks volumes. I can't think of any other site that I've maintained a relationship with for that length of time. I just wish I had found Lit and this forum earlier.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
And now I've rambled on long enough. I'll try to find some answers before I really try to participate, I guess.
Nope. Keep on doing what you've been doing. You're doing it pretty damned well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
On another note ... I've only been posting for a few days, but I've gotten many thanks for being "literate." Is that a big problem around here???
Let me refer you to this thread and this one, both of which are, thankfully, short, and we'll let you make your own judgment on that score.

As has been said many times, many ways, "This is Literotica, where the size of your polysyllable matters!"
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Old 02-05-2013, 11:40 AM   #21
CutieMouse
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I'd wanted to address Stella's question about teaching someone to dominate, but ye.gods.long day... I fell asleep before I could respond, and then this morning there was MORE! YAY!

(there will be snippage)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post

I honestly don't know much about what being a true submissive means. Like I said, because of my situation, I would go back and forth between wanting to research and figure out what I felt meant, and being sad when I saw how many people out there were really living this lifestyle 24/7.
In my world, there is no such thing as a "TRUE" submissive. That's a term (IMO) that gets tossed around on online communities so people can feel important.

"Well... I'm a true submissive
- notice what I did there? I'm so submissive, I even write the words true submissive as small as possible! I'm so submissive, that I do ___________!"

(yawn)

My "24/7" relationship[s] look boring as hell, and like a lot of other relationships. We don't use titles, there is no kneeling, sometimes my service includes telling either of The Men™ that I don't believe ____ is in *their * best interest for XYZ reason. Other times I'll point out that XYZ isn't in *my* best interest for ___ reason. Sometimes service means standing on my own two feet. Or accepting that they aren't interested in control over a certain area of my life. This D/s stuff (in essence) really isn't that different.

Quote:
Without boring you with too many details (that's what my blog is for, boring people who can't tell me I'm boring!) I had a secret, mostly online relationship with a man I called Master, because we don't live in the same state. We did get to see each other a number of times over the last 2.5 years. But for the most part it was a non-physical relationship. We were exploring the Dom/sub dynamic together. Trying to figure out what it meant to both of us. We talked about it a lot.

So here's a question: Am I really submissive, if it felt very right and natural submitting to my Master, but not to my husband? I love my husband, but he does not have the type of personality that ... inspires submission in me. The thought of kneeling for him, calling him Master or Sir or whatever, of telling him I would do anything to please him. Of really FEELING I would do anything to please him ... it makes me a little sick and panicky.
Consider this - maybe it felt "easier" with your former Master, because it was a lot more pretend, and a lot less real life. I don't mean that in a belittling way, but it's easier to get into the necessary "head-space" when you're in a bubble. You don't have to see your dominant partner at their most vulnerable on a regular basis. You can still live in your imagination, punctuated by controlled reality (visits).

As mentioned above - in my world titles/kneeling/etc isn't D/s; intent, is.

[quote]
But I felt all of those things for my Master. I found myself doing things for him or at his command, without a second thought, that I never thought I could do. Or wanted to. I learned so much from and with him. How it didn't matter how I felt about something, I didn't need to feel embarrassment, or self-conscious, it only mattered that I please him.

Exploring this side of myself with him brought into sharper focus all these feeling and urges I had had all my life. I felt I had found myself, something that was missing in my life.
Quote:

Again - much much easier in a controlled environment, without the Master being someone snoring next to you each night, or who sucks at helping potty train, or disagrees about family finances...

Quote:
But again, I don't feel like I can submit that freely to my husband. We've talked about it a little bit. He wants to try "be all that I need." But it doesn't come naturally to him. I know we have to talk about it, even though you are right, telling him what to do to me ruins it a little.
Instead of telling him what to do, try emailing each other erotic story links. Or (if you're like me) sex research articles that are interesting. I happen to enjoy something one of The Men™ wasn't sure about; I bought him a book on the subject. (and he realized I really meant it when I said I wanted X)

Quote:
But the sex isn't the problem. Is seems my husband has been doing some research of his own because lately he has been surprising me with tricks in the bedroom that he think I will like. And I DO like it. Especially since I don't have to direct him as much as I was afraid I would. Which is great. It's important if we are going to stay together.
Hooray for open minded partners!

Quote:
But it's the other stuff, the non-sexual side of submitting, that I loved to do for my Master, that I can't do with him. At least not yet. Everything fell apart for me only a few months ago, so I'm still finding my way.

There are lots of reasons, I guess, that I don't feel I can submit to him. We have young kids. (so we could never be 24/7 anyway) I need him to be a partner in parenting, in our household, we need to be a team. As I said before, his personality ... he has always been very passive, he is not naturally a confident person. He is working on this. We have marital issues we are working on. Blah blah wah wah. One of the biggest problems is that, though I love him, I feel no passion for him.
The only thing stopping you from enjoying the non-sexual side of submitting, is you. Are you talking about service (running the home)? Formality (kneeling/etc)? Open kink (whatever that means) that can't be done in front of the kids)? Is it a personal perspective of what a dominant partner looks/acts/sounds like, and he doesn't fit the image [in your head]?

If it's the last one... one of The Men™ is 20+ years older than me, 6'4", and has a very calm presence. Everything is please/thank you, and he often insists on waiting on me, because I work so hard.

The other Man™ is 5 years older, shorter (and slimmer) than me, quiet and unassuming, and obsessively polite.

I would never cross either of them. (disagree, yes; cross, no)



Aaaannnnnd... I'm out of time/running late for work. I'll try to address the rest tonight (if I don't fall asleep first ).


I'm sorry. I'm new. I don't know you guys. I should probably shut up now.

But I will restate my question: Am I submissive if I don't want to submit to my husband? I mean, sure, I COULD ... but it wouldn't be real. It would be play-acting. Am I submissive if I only act that way during sex? Do "real" submissives want to submit to everyone they are in a relationship with?

I'm still trying to "know myself" ... it's not always easy.

behind blue eyes: yes, your scenario #1 is definitely preferable. I'm trying to live more that way, and not in a scenario #2 way, which I was doing for a long time. "My husband doesn't get me" etc. But it's easier said than done. How do you tell your husband of 10 years about needs you don't altogether understand? I was afraid to. He still doesn't understand. I think sometimes he thinks I am faking. He is happy to "try new things" in the bedroom, but has no interest in bringing it outside the bedroom.


Stella_Omega. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm pretending to me someone or something I'm not. I'm not some suburban mom who read 50 Shades of Grey (ugh) and wants to spice things up. I don't know what I am. I don't know the lingo. I don't know much of anything, I guess.

I just know I had a Master, and submitting to him made me feel stronger than I've ever felt. I felt more ME. And now that I've lost him, I have to figure out how to not lose me, too.

And now I've rambled on long enough. I'll try to find some answers before I really try to participate, I guess.


On another note ... I've only been posting for a few days, but I've gotten many thanks for being "literate." Is that a big problem around here???
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Old 02-05-2013, 01:23 PM   #22
midwestyankee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
<snip>


On another note ... I've only been posting for a few days, but I've gotten many thanks for being "literate." Is that a big problem around here???
YES.

In our ranks you will find many, many people who are completely convinced that being able to write clearly what is on your mind makes it easier for everyone else to converse with you. I happen to think that they're right. At the same time, we recognize that it's not always easy to shift your mode of communication from the familiar everyday face-to-face conversation where context, body language, and tone of voice add greatly to the information coming from each speaker. Without all the non-verbal cues that contribute so much to in-person meaning, online forum discussions force us to parse meaning from only the words we use. That places a necessarily high value on facility with the written word. It's clear that not everyone who posts here has figured that out.
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Old 02-05-2013, 02:11 PM   #23
Stella_Omega
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I want to make this absofuckinglutely clear;

I NEVER CLAIM YOU CAN TEACH ANYONE TO DOMINATE.

I claim that many women do not actually require dominance, they just think they do. Because they have never been encouraged to think about sexual dynamics in any other way but Biology Is Destiny.

I ask that folks examine their assumptions. For many people, examination proves them correct, which is a good thing.

You can (try to) teach someone how to top you. And encourage them to become dominant--- if, in fact you actually really do want to be dominated. Some people only need permission. Some people really don't want that role.
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An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!

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Old 02-05-2013, 02:16 PM   #24
Stag of Oberon
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one misplaced "/quote" and the whole post gets so hard to follow.

I don't suppose I could convince you to touch up your post, CutieMouse?
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Old 02-05-2013, 02:48 PM   #25
Primalex
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliajax View Post
I'm looking forward to it, but I'm nervous that no one will read what I'm writing. Or that they will, and they'll hate it.
"To please is the job of the prostitute, not of the writer." -- ~qp~
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