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Old 04-28-2015, 03:27 AM   #1
Sammael Bard
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Arrow I'll be your critic

I closed down the last thread because...well, it was freakin' huge and I made a few lousy critiques that embarrasses the hell out of me.

Anyway,

If you're looking for a different perspective on your story, you can post your request here.

Please post the URL to your story here, so that I don't have to hunt down the entire site to find your work.

I read stories from almost any category, but I don't read stories with poop/scat or piss being used as a fetish. Sorry, but it's not my thing. I also don't review anything with hard-core Gay Male sex. Unless you're patientlee, I won't. Anything with loose Bisexual Male will do, but no hard-core GM story, please.

I usually comment on the plot, writing style and character development. I don't comment on the grammar, but if I do, you should understand that it must've been clunky enough to catch my attention.

Starting from this year, I've decided to vote according to Lit standards, which means:

1 star - I hated it.
2 star - I didn't like it much.
3 star - Liked it - Keep on writing.
4 star - Really Liked it - Good Read!
5 star - Loved it! One of the Best!!

Also, please don't forget to tell me if you need my critique on a specific area in your story. It'll help me if I know where to focus beforehand.

I take time for pelting out my heavenly wisdom, so if it's something that you need me to look after immediately, I suggest that you open a new thread in the Forum, or ask some other critic hanging in here. I don't promise a time-frame or anything like that.

For those of you lurkers in here, you can help the author in question by providing your own review, in here or in private. Just be nice. People are here to improve their writing. So if you can't help them, don't bother posting either. I really appreciate someone taking the time to criticize a story or my point, but please be constructive.


Regards,

Bard.

Last edited by The Soulful Bard : 05-18-2015 at 06:33 AM. Reason: Cleared a few things.
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Old 04-28-2015, 08:56 AM   #2
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My next story is submitted and hopefully will get published tomorrow. I worked quite a bit to reduce my wordiness. I'll post the link once it's been published.
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Cruise Doubledate With My Sister is my latest story.
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Old 04-28-2015, 11:39 AM   #3
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Sure, that sounds fun and useful. My latest entry was part of a series so I'm not going to ask you to read that. The one before that would be great to get some thoughts on though. It's called Valentina's Valentines (written for the Valentine's day competition) and can be found here: https://www.literotica.com/s/valentinas-valentines

First, it's a group sex story with many men and one woman, and one thing I struggled with was how much detail I should describe in this case six guys in. I gave them all a bit of personality but not much, and even less in terms of physical appearances, thinking that it would probably be impossible and likely uninteresting for readers to keep track of it. I'm sure there are better ways to do it though, so happy for pointers. I'm also not sure it was the best way to describe them all like I did with pretty much listing them. I'm having similar issues with another story I'm working on now.

I had some criticism about cutting the actual sex scene a bit short. It was on purpose, because I think it tends to get a bit dull sometimes with long descriptions of where body parts go. Thoughts on that would also be appreciated.
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:33 PM   #4
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Valentina's Valentine by tomlitilia

Okay, so here's what I think about your story. I write my thoughts as I go through your story. Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/valentinas-valentines

As a side note, take everything I say with a grain of salt because half of the time, I'm muddling through my own work.

The first few paragraphs of your story feel like a history text book. While reading a brand new story out here, that's the first thing I look at and if it fails to interest me, I move on to the next one. This style of writing bores the fuck out of me.

Your opening simply doesn't cut it. Try to take a more active approach to it - like starting your story with an active scene, or even a conversation. I'd try something like this:

The Cleaner - that's what they called her at the office.

She'd be sent to the local branches to shape up the business and whip them back into shape. Her uncanny ability to fix almost any problem was a great asset that the company prized over anything else.

Life for Valentina wasn't easy. By the age of 40, she had seen all the ups and downs that life had to offer. Raising a daughter single-handedly was no easy task for a divorced woman, but she was efficient and hard-working, one of the many reasons behind her success at this age.

And so on.....

I hope you get my drift.

As I go through your story, I realized that character development isn't a thing that you indulged in while writing this story. Until the part where she opens the gym, I'm vaguely familiar with a faceless Valentina and an equally faceless pack of six men.

There's no conflict in this story to speak of. I mean...what is it in your story that makes it stand apart from the rest here? After you give an initial touch of the "Good Boss Valentina", you jump straight into her sex drive and the flirts in the office. Not good for me at all.

Iím not trying to depress you or even scaring you by eating the shit out of your brains. Itís just the fact that I think the beginnings of this story has more potential than you can think of. Just a tweak in your writing style and itíll look like a brand new whore.

And there comes the info dump on the guys. Man, I really hate this in a story. Itís a personal pet peeve, and youíve stepped right into it.

*walks out of the room, screams his lungs out and calmly re-enters the board*

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, writing six dudes with different personalities is a challenge. Giving a Bio-data dump on the readers doesnít help them in any way. You couldíve as well as avoided those short paragraphs.

I wrote a piece with eight characters, and they all came off pretty well for almost all the critics who had reviewed it (but they booted it for my crappy grammar, so weíre kinda even here ), meaning that they each had a personality of their own. Thatís because I dedicated scenes, conversations, humour and a little tid-bit of many other things to make them look different.

You tried to do that in one lit page, so it isnít coming of as well as you mightíve thought. Iíve stopped caring about the six faceless dudes. They remain faceless to me for the rest of the story.

As I go through your story, I think it doesnít really matter much to me. I mean, sheís blindfolded and being fondled by six men, so whoís going to need a biography on each of them? I donít think itíll be necessary to flesh out all the six characters in any way, although I suggest that a better style of writing couldíve been in order.

So, fleshing out the characters of the Faceless Six is a moot point.

On the brighter side, I like the ďgamesĒ that they play with Valentina. That is a fun part to read. I know itís pretty hard to come up with something authentic that hasnít been rehashed a thousand times before, so that part was fun for me to read. Iíd say that was a damn good job!

Coming to the sex part, yeah itís hot! I mean, really good with all the teasing and I like to read that in any erotica. You get a straight 5/5 for that.

I also get your concerns about the penetration part.

Itís just that given the amount of time you spent on the teasing/fondling/necking, I think readers would be expecting a louder bang in the actual fucking part. Thatís the highlight of your story, right?

IMO, it couldíve been fleshed out, like a few more words dedicated to the act of penetration to make it more *ahem* enjoyable for the readers. Iím not saying that it was poorly written, but a little bit more couldíve been done to it.


Verdict: Your opening sucked. I was already thinking about awarding you a 2 star (meaning ďDidnít Like it Much), but the subsequent scenes and the ending pushed it up to a 3 star (meaning ďLiked It Ė Keep on writingĒ). Sex was great, but I think this story needs a work out in terms of writing and narrative style. Also, itís plagued by minor typos here and there, including bad usage of words. Nothing major that a second through or a good editor cannot fix.

Overall, it was a decent read for me and perhaps one of the best for many readers here. My ratings donít mean anything, but a final score of your story in my mind. Iím sure others would like to vote more, but I have my own reservations.

Hope that helped you in any way it could.
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:51 PM   #5
lovecraft68
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My 2014 Winter entry.

Another attempt to write as a female, this time through a first time lesbian encounter with a best friend.

https://www.literotica.com/s/her-bes...-for-christmas
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:57 PM   #6
tomlitilia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Soulful Bard View Post
Okay, so here's what I think about your story. I write my thoughts as I go through your story. Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/valentinas-valentines

As a side note, take everything I say with a grain of salt because half of the time, I'm muddling through my own work.

The first few paragraphs of your story feel like a history text book. While reading a brand new story out here, that's the first thing I look at and if it fails to interest me, I move on to the next one. This style of writing bores the fuck out of me.

Your opening simply doesn't cut it. Try to take a more active approach to it - like starting your story with an active scene, or even a conversation. I'd try something like this:

The Cleaner - that's what they called her at the office.

She'd be sent to the local branches to shape up the business and whip them back into shape. Her uncanny ability to fix almost any problem was a great asset that the company prized over anything else.

Life for Valentina wasn't easy. By the age of 40, she had seen all the ups and downs that life had to offer. Raising a daughter single-handedly was no easy task for a divorced woman, but she was efficient and hard-working, one of the many reasons behind her success at this age.

And so on.....

I hope you get my drift.

As I go through your story, I realized that character development isn't a thing that you indulged in while writing this story. Until the part where she opens the gym, I'm vaguely familiar with a faceless Valentina and an equally faceless pack of six men.

There's no conflict in this story to speak of. I mean...what is it in your story that makes it stand apart from the rest here? After you give an initial touch of the "Good Boss Valentina", you jump straight into her sex drive and the flirts in the office. Not good for me at all.

Iím not trying to depress you or even scaring you by eating the shit out of your brains. Itís just the fact that I think the beginnings of this story has more potential than you can think of. Just a tweak in your writing style and itíll look like a brand new whore.

And there comes the info dump on the guys. Man, I really hate this in a story. Itís a personal pet peeve, and youíve stepped right into it.

*walks out of the room, screams his lungs out and calmly re-enters the board*

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, writing six dudes with different personalities is a challenge. Giving a Bio-data dump on the readers doesnít help them in any way. You couldíve as well as avoided those short paragraphs.

I wrote a piece with eight characters, and they all came off pretty well for almost all the critics who had reviewed it (but they booted it for my crappy grammar, so weíre kinda even here ), meaning that they each had a personality of their own. Thatís because I dedicated scenes, conversations, humour and a little tid-bit of many other things to make them look different.

You tried to do that in one lit page, so it isnít coming of as well as you mightíve thought. Iíve stopped caring about the six faceless dudes. They remain faceless to me for the rest of the story.

As I go through your story, I think it doesnít really matter much to me. I mean, sheís blindfolded and being fondled by six men, so whoís going to need a biography on each of them? I donít think itíll be necessary to flesh out all the six characters in any way, although I suggest that a better style of writing couldíve been in order.

So, fleshing out the characters of the Faceless Six is a moot point.

On the brighter side, I like the ďgamesĒ that they play with Valentina. That is a fun part to read. I know itís pretty hard to come up with something authentic that hasnít been rehashed a thousand times before, so that part was fun for me to read. Iíd say that was a damn good job!

Coming to the sex part, yeah itís hot! I mean, really good with all the teasing and I like to read that in any erotica. You get a straight 5/5 for that.

I also get your concerns about the penetration part.

Itís just that given the amount of time you spent on the teasing/fondling/necking, I think readers would be expecting a louder bang in the actual fucking part. Thatís the highlight of your story, right?

IMO, it couldíve been fleshed out, like a few more words dedicated to the act of penetration to make it more *ahem* enjoyable for the readers. Iím not saying that it was poorly written, but a little bit more couldíve been done to it.


Verdict: Your opening sucked. I was already thinking about awarding you a 2 star (meaning ďDidnít Like it Much), but the subsequent scenes and the ending pushed it up to a 3 star (meaning ďLiked It Ė Keep on writingĒ). Sex was great, but I think this story needs a work out in terms of writing and narrative style. Also, itís plagued by minor typos here and there, including bad usage of words. Nothing major that a second through or a good editor cannot fix.

Overall, it was a decent read for me and perhaps one of the best for many readers here. My ratings donít mean anything, but a final score of your story in my mind. Iím sure others would like to vote more, but I have my own reservations.

Hope that helped you in any way it could.
Thanks for reading. Good pointers that I mostly agree with
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Old 04-28-2015, 05:27 PM   #7
Sammael Bard
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
My 2014 Winter entry.

Another attempt to write as a female, this time through a first time lesbian encounter with a best friend.

https://www.literotica.com/s/her-bes...-for-christmas
I gave it a quick peek, so I have to ask: Is there any particular area you'd like to me look into?
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Old 04-28-2015, 05:59 PM   #8
lovecraft68
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Originally Posted by The Soulful Bard View Post
I gave it a quick peek, so I have to ask: Is there any particular area you'd like to me look into?
Nope just whatever you feel like commenting on, good, bad or indifferent.
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Old 04-29-2015, 07:52 AM   #9
Sammael Bard
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Her Best Friend For Christmas by lovecraft68

Here's the link if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/her-bes...-for-christmas

The opening conversation is good. Although there's no element of intrigue (not that I was expecting any), it's still good in terms of its light-heartedness. Good Humour is a nice thing to include in a story and admittedly, I'm a sucker for it. Your story already has a pace to it due to the conversation, which is a really good thing.

I did notice the "shyness" of the protagonist that shone through your writing. I mean, its really hard to capture a woman's insecurities in first person, that too convincingly. That was a good job.

Some conversation felt out of place, like this one:

"And never mind those long ass legs." Julie continued, "I'd kill for those, I would never wear skirts as short as you do. But I suppose you'll say you don't know that either, miss cheerleader."

That underlined part sticks out like a sore thumb. Burn it and bury its ashes somewhere deep where the readers can't get a whiff of it.

Typos are a mood killer for good stories like this and yours has plenty of it. A good editing should be in order for this story. I mean, it jerks me out of the good feeling that a story like this gives.

The sex that ensues feels out of the blue to me. The passion involved in the sex itself was more than what I'd expect to come from two friends who're unsure what to do with their wants. It came close to gratuitous. If I were you, I'd make Heather or Julie, or both of them, hesitant to begin with. It just isn't coming off well.

Whoa, wait, it was a wet dream!

But, and insert a big BUT here, I still wouldn't cut out my criticism, because the scene didn't cut it for me. I'd have loved to see a smaller degree of passion.

Up we go ahead...and I encounter corny line numbah two:

I'd shook my head and Allison had pleaded, "Please, Heather? I'd love to see those adorable little titties! Come over here and be a playful little kitten."

Sheesh! Lines like these give me the bad jitters, like when I'm reading a bad, bad porn. As I go through your story there's corny line numbah three, four and five as well. I beg you to cut out stuff like this.

Your story loses steam on the third page. There's too much conversation, most of which could be shortened up. A bit boring, but not much to scare me away.

A bit more of a bore comes during the sex between Holly and Heather. Things are happening, and I get no special input to Heather's thoughts. For a guy/gal who might be sitting there, jacking off to your story, this might be the best possible thing for him/her, but I'm not doing any of those.

So, you can imagine how monotonous it's becoming for me. The plot has lost its shine, and now proceeding towards epic hot, sweaty but boring lesbo sex.

Like I've said before, it might be good for some but it falls short of a decent read for me.

Verdict: This story didn't leave a good after taste after I finished reading it. I didn't like the pages after pages of sex on my screen. After a while it became boring for me, and I was skimming through the last few couple of paras. Epic sex scenes don't hold any interest for me. Unless there are conversations and something relevant to the plot happening in it, it bores me.

I also think you tried too hard to fill in the shoes of the other characters like Holly, Heather and everyone in between. Their dialogues were just too corny for my taste, and didn't even feel feminine to me in some cases. Tone down the corny factor, and it'll be more than just a good read.

Heather's voice is consistent, and I liked that the most in your story. All her feelings are well described, not to say crystal clear, in my eyes. That was at least worth of a 4/5, if not a full 5/5.

The grammar's wonky in too many places. It also didn't do good for me. So your story also loses some points in that.

Overall, if I had to sum up my ramblings, I'd say that your story had a good start, a slow middle and an even slower finish. It might be a personal pet peeve thing, but too much sex on my screen doesn't cut it for me. Its high ratings suggest that readers loved this thing, but the sonuvabitch inside me has a lot of reservations regarding this story.

If I had to vote your story, it'd be a 3 star - meaning it was a decent read. Not that I voted a 3 star, because I hate to bring down someone else's story ratings.

Hope that helped.
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Old 04-29-2015, 07:59 AM   #10
JAMESBJOHNSON
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Soulful Bard View Post
Here's the link if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/her-bes...-for-christmas

The opening conversation is good. Although there's no element of intrigue (not that I was expecting any), it's still good in terms of its light-heartedness. Good Humour is a nice thing to include in a story and admittedly, I'm a sucker for it. Your story already has a pace to it due to the conversation, which is a really good thing.

I did notice the "shyness" of the protagonist that shone through your writing. I mean, its really hard to capture a woman's insecurities in first person, that too convincingly. That was a good job.

Some conversation felt out of place, like this one:

"And never mind those long ass legs." Julie continued, "I'd kill for those, I would never wear skirts as short as you do. But I suppose you'll say you don't know that either, miss cheerleader."

That underlined part sticks out like a sore thumb. Burn it and bury its ashes somewhere deep where the readers can't get a whiff of it.

Typos are a mood killer for good stories like this and yours has plenty of it. A good editing should be in order for this story. I mean, it jerks me out of the good feeling that a story like this gives.

The sex that ensues feels out of the blue to me. The passion involved in the sex itself was more than what I'd expect to come from two friends who're unsure what to do with their wants. It came close to gratuitous. If I were you, I'd make Heather or Julie, or both of them, hesitant to begin with. It just isn't coming off well.

Whoa, wait, it was a wet dream!

But, and insert a big BUT here, I still wouldn't cut out my criticism, because the scene didn't cut it for me. I'd have loved to see a smaller degree of passion.

Up we go ahead...and I encounter corny line numbah two:

I'd shook my head and Allison had pleaded, "Please, Heather? I'd love to see those adorable little titties! Come over here and be a playful little kitten."

Sheesh! Lines like these give me the bad jitters, like when I'm reading a bad, bad porn. As I go through your story there's corny line numbah three, four and five as well. I beg you to cut out stuff like this.

Your story loses steam on the third page. There's too much conversation, most of which could be shortened up. A bit boring, but not much to scare me away.

A bit more of a bore comes during the sex between Holly and Heather. Things are happening, and I get no special input to Heather's thoughts. For a guy/gal who might be sitting there, jacking off to your story, this might be the best possible thing for him/her, but I'm not doing any of those.

So, you can imagine how monotonous it's becoming for me. The plot has lost its shine, and now proceeding towards epic hot, sweaty but boring lesbo sex.

Like I've said before, it might be good for some but it falls short of a decent read for me.

Verdict: This story didn't leave a good after taste after I finished reading it. I didn't like the pages after pages of sex on my screen. After a while it became boring for me, and I was skimming through the last few couple of paras. Epic sex scenes don't hold any interest for me. Unless there are conversations and something relevant to the plot happening in it, it bores me.

I also think you tried too hard to fill in the shoes of the other characters like Holly, Heather and everyone in between. Their dialogues were just too corny for my taste, and didn't even feel feminine to me in some cases. Tone down the corny factor, and it'll be more than just a good read.

Heather's voice is consistent, and I liked that the most in your story. All her feelings are well described, not to say crystal clear, in my eyes. That was at least worth of a 4/5, if not a full 5/5.

The grammar's wonky in too many places. It also didn't do good for me. So your story also loses some points in that.

Overall, if I had to sum up my ramblings, I'd say that your story had a good start, a slow middle and an even slower finish. It might be a personal pet peeve thing, but too much sex on my screen doesn't cut it for me. Its high ratings suggest that readers loved this thing, but the sonuvabitch inside me has a lot of reservations regarding this story.

If I had to vote your story, it'd be a 3 star - meaning it was a decent read. Not that I voted a 3 star, because I hate to bring down someone else's story ratings.

Hope that helped.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should
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HE THINKS MEN SHOULD HAVE BALLS, BUT NOT WOMEN. Lovecraft68
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Old 04-29-2015, 08:27 AM   #11
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My story is up:
https://www.literotica.com/s/cruise-...with-my-sister
Brother-sister incest story. 9 lit pages.

Your last review was a lot of help and I look forward to this review.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:23 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by JAMESBJOHNSON View Post
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should
I'm not committing suicide, James.
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Old 04-29-2015, 12:48 PM   #13
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I'll put my next story up here (not my next, it's just a fluff piece) but my next real story ... through some thought and reflection, I've been shown that I don't take criticism very well ... but I do take it. (I have some ideas how criticism should be given) ... but I think you covered that in your opening.

This is a good thread, helpful too. I'm aiming for that 4!
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Old 04-29-2015, 01:35 PM   #14
Sammael Bard
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As you can see, posting irrelevent posts on my thread is a waste of time as they'll dissapear without a trace (oh, the perks of being a moderator). So, any of you trying their hand at caustic sarcam or appraising other's change of heart - please go to the General Board.

My thread is NOT the place.

@8letters: A peek through the first 2 lit pages, and I'm not happy with the material inside. It hit a lot of pet peeves, but I'll mention it beforehand.

@Everyday_Man: I'll be more than happy to look into it. I'll be looking forward to it.
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Old 04-29-2015, 04:56 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8letters View Post
My story is up:
https://www.literotica.com/s/cruise-...with-my-sister
Brother-sister incest story. 9 lit pages.

Your last review was a lot of help and I look forward to this review.
I have done the review, but it's the most caustic one I have come up with yet. Are you sure you want me to post this in public? It's very ugly.

If you want, I can send you a PM.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:11 PM   #16
lovecraft68
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Soulful Bard View Post
Here's the link if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/her-bes...-for-christmas

The opening conversation is good. Although there's no element of intrigue (not that I was expecting any), it's still good in terms of its light-heartedness. Good Humour is a nice thing to include in a story and admittedly, I'm a sucker for it. Your story already has a pace to it due to the conversation, which is a really good thing.

I did notice the "shyness" of the protagonist that shone through your writing. I mean, its really hard to capture a woman's insecurities in first person, that too convincingly. That was a good job.

Some conversation felt out of place, like this one:

"And never mind those long ass legs." Julie continued, "I'd kill for those, I would never wear skirts as short as you do. But I suppose you'll say you don't know that either, miss cheerleader."

That underlined part sticks out like a sore thumb. Burn it and bury its ashes somewhere deep where the readers can't get a whiff of it.

Typos are a mood killer for good stories like this and yours has plenty of it. A good editing should be in order for this story. I mean, it jerks me out of the good feeling that a story like this gives.

The sex that ensues feels out of the blue to me. The passion involved in the sex itself was more than what I'd expect to come from two friends who're unsure what to do with their wants. It came close to gratuitous. If I were you, I'd make Heather or Julie, or both of them, hesitant to begin with. It just isn't coming off well.

Whoa, wait, it was a wet dream!

But, and insert a big BUT here, I still wouldn't cut out my criticism, because the scene didn't cut it for me. I'd have loved to see a smaller degree of passion.

Up we go ahead...and I encounter corny line numbah two:

I'd shook my head and Allison had pleaded, "Please, Heather? I'd love to see those adorable little titties! Come over here and be a playful little kitten."

Sheesh! Lines like these give me the bad jitters, like when I'm reading a bad, bad porn. As I go through your story there's corny line numbah three, four and five as well. I beg you to cut out stuff like this.

Your story loses steam on the third page. There's too much conversation, most of which could be shortened up. A bit boring, but not much to scare me away.

A bit more of a bore comes during the sex between Holly and Heather. Things are happening, and I get no special input to Heather's thoughts. For a guy/gal who might be sitting there, jacking off to your story, this might be the best possible thing for him/her, but I'm not doing any of those.

So, you can imagine how monotonous it's becoming for me. The plot has lost its shine, and now proceeding towards epic hot, sweaty but boring lesbo sex.

Like I've said before, it might be good for some but it falls short of a decent read for me.

Verdict: This story didn't leave a good after taste after I finished reading it. I didn't like the pages after pages of sex on my screen. After a while it became boring for me, and I was skimming through the last few couple of paras. Epic sex scenes don't hold any interest for me. Unless there are conversations and something relevant to the plot happening in it, it bores me.

I also think you tried too hard to fill in the shoes of the other characters like Holly, Heather and everyone in between. Their dialogues were just too corny for my taste, and didn't even feel feminine to me in some cases. Tone down the corny factor, and it'll be more than just a good read.

Heather's voice is consistent, and I liked that the most in your story. All her feelings are well described, not to say crystal clear, in my eyes. That was at least worth of a 4/5, if not a full 5/5.

The grammar's wonky in too many places. It also didn't do good for me. So your story also loses some points in that.

Overall, if I had to sum up my ramblings, I'd say that your story had a good start, a slow middle and an even slower finish. It might be a personal pet peeve thing, but too much sex on my screen doesn't cut it for me. Its high ratings suggest that readers loved this thing, but the sonuvabitch inside me has a lot of reservations regarding this story.

If I had to vote your story, it'd be a 3 star - meaning it was a decent read. Not that I voted a 3 star, because I hate to bring down someone else's story ratings.

Hope that helped.
Thanks for taking the time to create a detailed review.

I agree with most of it. The story suffered from a double deadline of the Winter contest, but also needing to have it done before my wife went in for surgery so there was no time to let it sit a few days and do another editing pass and it shows.

The one thing I would disagree with in your critique is how sudden the sex was between Julie and Heather and how sure they were. It was a dream and IMO wet dreams are not filled with hesitation and doubt, it was a dream of the hot encounter she wanted.

But opinions vary of course.

Yes, some of the dialogue and sex came across a little more gratuitous than some of my other works, but sometimes I try to keep in mind that we are in fact writing on an erotica site and after I've put the reader through a slow burn they want to see all hell break loose and read what they come here for.

Had it been in romance I would have toned that down, but again what one author//reader likes another...

So again, thank you for putting your thoughts here and giving me things to consider about the story.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:30 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
Thanks for taking the time to create a detailed review.

I agree with most of it. The story suffered from a double deadline of the Winter contest, but also needing to have it done before my wife went in for surgery so there was no time to let it sit a few days and do another editing pass and it shows.

The one thing I would disagree with in your critique is how sudden the sex was between Julie and Heather and how sure they were. It was a dream and IMO wet dreams are not filled with hesitation and doubt, it was a dream of the hot encounter she wanted.

But opinions vary of course.

Yes, some of the dialogue and sex came across a little more gratuitous than some of my other works, but sometimes I try to keep in mind that we are in fact writing on an erotica site and after I've put the reader through a slow burn they want to see all hell break loose and read what they come here for.

Had it been in romance I would have toned that down, but again what one author//reader likes another...

So again, thank you for putting your thoughts here and giving me things to consider about the story.
The lusty dream came off as a blast. I know there aren't any hesitations in dream, but the sudden conversion from hesitation to passion in the protagonist didn't settle well. What I mean to say is that...whenever I encounter a scene in a dream, there's a preformed notion in the mind. It's either hesitation or confidence in the actors. If there's both, the transition from one emotion to the other should be smooth. It's the transition where the dream lacked. /alien speak

Anywho, glad that my review could be of any help. Thanks for the read!
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:06 PM   #18
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I like to believe I can write .. but the more I read on here, the more I realize I have a lot to learn. It's not just in writing, but the way you guys type, the words you use ... it sounds smart, but it's not useless either ... I'm not making fun of any you (and as I read this, it sounds like it) ... but reading posts by other writers ... it's very helpful.

I'm really liking this site.
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:53 PM   #19
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I'd ask you to review another of my stories, but I haven't been able to finish anything for nearly a year.

Got any advice on writer's block?
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:57 PM   #20
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I'd ask you to review another of my stories, but I haven't been able to finish anything for nearly a year.

Got any advice on writer's block?
drink alot and just do it.

or, just do it.

It might sound like bullshit, but once you let your fingers go, the work becomes easy.
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Old 04-29-2015, 07:16 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by AZMotherLover View Post
I'd ask you to review another of my stories, but I haven't been able to finish anything for nearly a year.

Got any advice on writer's block?
Check this thread for ideas.
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Old 04-30-2015, 01:20 AM   #22
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I'd ask you to review another of my stories, but I haven't been able to finish anything for nearly a year.

Got any advice on writer's block?
I'd suggest this essay by BOSTONFICTIONWRITER:

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-...-writers-block

I found his observations very practical, and could easily relate to all the techniques he has mentioned in there. Very insightful, if you take my word for it.
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Old 04-30-2015, 01:51 AM   #23
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Cool

What the hell. My skin is thick enough.

I wrote The True Oracle as part of a friendly writing challenge (FAWC, if you've heard of it) and originally rushed to get it done. At the time, it was a single, six-page story. I've since expanded upon it and added about ten thousand more words, clearing up what I thought were some inconsistencies and giving more background to the main players in the story. A few days ago, the first part was posted, and the second posted tonight.

The True Oracle, Ch. 01

The True Oracle, Ch. 02

While I personally adore this story, I know there probably remain a few errors here and there. You mentioned you don't specifically look for grammar issues, which is fine, because I'm mainly interested in critiques regarding the characters, plot, descriptions, and so forth.

Anyone else is, of course, welcome to add their own thoughts and critiques as well. I can take it.
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Old 04-30-2015, 04:41 AM   #24
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Take two

I don't usually ask for feedback because I'm pretty happy with myself as a writer. That said, I have a story (https://www.literotica.com/s/light-r...computer-ch-01) that, while rated well enough, generates very feedback. It also has a very low view count compared to some of my other similarly-sized stories.

I just asked Lien Gellar to take a look at it and he balked at the subject matter (which I don't think is as bad as he feared but oh well). Hopefully you can last a little longer.

The whole thing is a bit shy of 40,000 words in 5 chapters, and once you get to Chapter 3 there's tie-in's with another story that increase the required reading. I don't expect you'll get that far, and it won't hurt my feelings if you just read one chapter and share your thoughts. Or if you read none.

Last edited by AwkwardMD : 04-30-2015 at 05:46 AM.
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:42 PM   #25
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I'm going to set aside a day to read all of your guys (Edit: and gals) stories. There is something about people who are willing to put themselves out there that you just have to respect ... My critiques though will be, 'I liked it' or "I didn't like it' ... I'm not very informative, doesn't mean it was good or bad, some writers have a way about them that is enjoyable, some don't.

I don't care about extra words, I don't care tenses ... I only want to read a story that flows.
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