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Old 06-23-2017, 04:58 AM   #1
Rheyn
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First time Board user looking for feedback.

Hello! I recently have been writing for about a year now on this site and I am self-conscious of my writing as most people are. But I was hoping some of you would be interested in checking out my stories and giving me your opinions? I have currently 3 series in progress. However, I believe I am going to finish up my Father / Daughter series before moving on to finish my fantasy one and then the Mother / Daughter one.

If anyone would like to check out my stories you can find them at https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions It would be a great help if I can get some advice on how to improve my writing, or some tips if I am doing anything wrong. Or just a general idea on how my stories are? Anything helpful, constructive, or opinions would be a big help! Thank you.
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Old 06-23-2017, 08:13 AM   #2
KatieTay
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Hello, and welcome.

I'm interested in your fantasy one! Shall I PM you my feedback, or put it on here?
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Old 06-23-2017, 11:05 AM   #3
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Katie

On here would be fine.
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:02 PM   #4
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I read Daddy's Punishment Ch. 01.

A lot of grammar/typo errors:
>>>>
"You do know why I am here [comma should be here] don't you?" Wanting [I wanted] to make sure she understood what I was about to do.

"Yes, Daddy." Responded my eight-teen [eighteen] year old.

She tried to play the daddy card, as if that was going to help her. [Probably should be Playing the daddy card wasn't going to help her] She knew my weak spots and how to tug on my heart strings, but it was a futile effort as I was to [too] upset with her to fall victim to such ploys. I closed to [the] door behind me, [Probably should have ended sentence here and started the next with As I walked] walking over towards her bed I raised a finger and motioned for her to come closer.
<<<<

I write incest and I've read a lot of incest. I think incest readers don't like stories where there is a whiff of forced sex, particularly when it involves a dad or uncle. Molesting his daughter after brutally whipping her with a belt was a major turn off for me. There was nothing loving to me in their relationship. I'm surprised you got a rating as high as 4.21.
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:21 PM   #5
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Well, I think your stories have a good range of vocabulary. That's always a promising foundation to build upon. You've done reading, and it shows.

Here are some places where I think the grammar could be examined a bit more:

1. Syntax issues (not including run-on sentences).

"The bright moon was reaching high in the night and stars dazzling the black velvet background with their beauty."

This would work better if we made the "stars" bit a separate clause. "... and the stars were dazzling"

"Suddenly, a knock on his door."

In fiction there is of course a time and place for such fragments, for impact. However, here, this isn't a disjointed introspective segment, nor is it a fast-paced action scene. The fragment seems very out of place, because it is both preceded and succeeded by complete, fully-formed sentences, within the same paragraph. Your desired effect might be achieved if you made this line a paragraph on its own.

"Newt stood upright, trying to sound more confident. Not wanting to let down the ruler of their lands."

This should be one sentence.

2. Subject confusion.

"His foot tapped rapidly, rolling his stiff shoulders"

This means his foot has shoulders and the foot was rolling them. This could be made clearer.

3. Participial phrases.

"Turning he headed towards his luxurious bed"

There should be a comma after "Turning", so it works as a participial phrase. Even so, it would feel a bit short and abrupt.

4. Prepositional phrases.

Maybe this one was a typo? "to his bed he sat on the edge and thought long and hard"

"to his bed" doesn't fit.

5. Run-on sentences.

In fiction, many liberties can be taken with rules about run-on sentences, but the exceptions to the rule have to make sense. In many cases, in your story, they don't quite serve a purpose, and appear as just errors.

6. Compound adjectives, and adjectives in general.

"well hand crafted doors"

"well-crafted" and "hand-crafted" don't really go well together. Perhaps try "exquisitely handcrafted doors"? Or simply describe them as "ornate double-doors" without having to provide the detail of handcrafting, which doesn't add much to the narration and disrupts it slightly, actually.

7. Conventions of prose, especially with dialogue.

"Vorick now realizing he had startled his guards with the sudden exit, 'Yes, yes. My apologies, everything is fine. Send word for Newt, I must speak with him at once.' demanded their king."

A speaking verb must be placed before the comma, after "sudden exit". It doesn't work without that. And then, the speech should with a comma, not a full stop, before "demanded".

Furthermore - this is a different kind of problem from dialogue punctuation - the sudden switch to "their king" is actually a sudden swing to the perspective of the guards. We would only use "their king" if the point of view was occupying their headspace for a time. Within this paragraph, we are still within Vorick's headspace - "their king" is out of place. "the king" would be less jarring.

"if he was going to do this and only "IF"."

This kind of thing is highly uncommon. There are two problems with this bit: first, it's connected wrongly to the sentence, with a lapse in meaning causing it to be unclear; second, this manner of capitalization is not usually accepted for formal prose. Italics are used for emphasis, conventionally, but playing around with typography has only appeared in either children's literature, for the most part, or early experimental novels (such as "Tristram Shandy"), and a few other exceptional cases.

"Newt made sure no one other than the prisoners were around before waving a hand in front of the locked cell, 'Lock' murmured, Newt and a click came from the gate."

Well, this is a series of run-ons as well, but I feel the main problem here is the punctuation for the spoken bit. The comma between "murmured" and "Newt" is probably a typo?

"The King wasn't about to be challenged in his own chambers, 'Do you love your fellow orcs?'"

The comma should really be a period, there. No speaking verb is needed; the line of speech can just be a chunk on its own.

8. Diction, in various places.

"Their King, Vorick, stood watching over his land through the sizable window high in his stone castle."

"watching over" means to be guarding and protecting. Here, what you want is more along the lines of "looking out of the window across his land" or "gazing out over his land" or "surveying his land", or several other possibilities.

"The tension begging to rise in the air"

Typo, I guess?

"His cock never deflating, in fact only encouraging the bloodlust in his throbbing member."

"Deflating" made me giggle a bit. I was put in mind of Ben Stiller's character in Dodgeball, the one with the penis pump. Also, the bloodlust would be in the person, not in the member.


Well, this is obviously not exhaustive, but I hope this list is a useful breakdown of some areas you could think about.

I really enjoy the focus on a female Orc - for obvious reasons! I think you've done the theme of prideful resistance and stubborn resentment well.
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:24 PM   #6
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I read Daddy's Punishment Ch. 01 - Re

Thank you for the feedback, first real constructive criticism that I have gotten that is really helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to point out the grammatical errors. I will go back over and retouch up a bit more carefully now that you have pointed those out. I am still trying to figure out where the comma's should appear and when sentences should end. But I have come a long way since my first publication and I will continue to grow from here.
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:26 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rheyn View Post
Thank you for the feedback, first real constructive criticism that I have gotten that is really helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to point out the grammatical errors. I will go back over and retouch up a bit more carefully now that you have pointed those out. I am still trying to figure out where the comma's should appear and when sentences should end. But I have come a long way since my first publication and I will continue to grow from here.
No doubt!

Settle down with some good books, and just read and enjoy. Exposure will help a lot.
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:27 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KatieTay View Post
No doubt!

Settle down with some good books, and just read and enjoy. Exposure will help a lot.
...and keep writing.
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:31 PM   #9
Rheyn
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Katie

Thank you so much for your input! It will go a long way as I continue to work on my grammar and more over my whole writing. I appreciate you taking time out of your day to break down the story for me and show me my mistakes. I do see the typos now that you have pointed them out. Sadly, I rush some of my edits because I am eager to post the story chapters I have written; it's something I am working on.

I will keep what you have said in mind for my future writing and fix the mistakes in that story at some point. Thank you!
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:32 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rheyn View Post
Thank you for the feedback, first real constructive criticism that I have gotten that is really helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to point out the grammatical errors. I will go back over and retouch up a bit more carefully now that you have pointed those out. I am still trying to figure out where the comma's should appear and when sentences should end. But I have come a long way since my first publication and I will continue to grow from here.
Glad to have helped. Writing is the best way to improve. I'd suggest getting an editor. Go to the Editor's Forum, click on the first thread "Available to Edit" (June's is here) and find someone. As far as I can tell, the Volunteer Editor form doesn't contact the volunteer editors.
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:34 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rheyn View Post
Thank you so much for your input! It will go a long way as I continue to work on my grammar and more over my whole writing. I appreciate you taking time out of your day to break down the story for me and show me my mistakes. I do see the typos now that you have pointed them out. Sadly, I rush some of my edits because I am eager to post the story chapters I have written; it's something I am working on.

I will keep what you have said in mind for my future writing and fix the mistakes in that story at some point. Thank you!
a beta-reader can help spot typos, etc. yanno, someone who'll read your work and pick up errors. not an editor, per se. just someone with a fresh set of eyes.
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:36 PM   #12
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I have considered getting a volunteer editor before. However, I am trying to teach myself to edit and get on somewhat of an "editors" level I don't have to require one for my stories. Is that to much to reach for? Or would having an editor help with this endeavor?
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Old 06-23-2017, 12:49 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Rheyn View Post
I have considered getting a volunteer editor before. However, I am trying to teach myself to edit and get on somewhat of an "editors" level I don't have to require one for my stories. Is that to much to reach for? Or would having an editor help with this endeavor?
An editor would be a huge help. It's about learning how to read your story so that you see your errors. You're too close to your story right now. When you read it, you hear in your head what you think should be there and not what is there. Having a fresh set of eyes look at your work will catch a lot of your errors. Then once you realize you have a particular problem (say with commas), you can spend some time learning about that and then read the story you're working on specifically looking for that problem.

Another potential source of help is the people who commented on your story. If you write another Dad/Daughter story, contact everyone who commented on one of your "Dad's Punishment" chapters and ask if they'll read over your new story. Some of them won't have PM's turned on and won't get your message. But if one or two do, they'll probably be excited to help you.
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Old 06-23-2017, 01:06 PM   #14
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An editor would be a huge help. It's about learning how to read your story so that you see your errors. You're too close to your story right now. When you read it, you hear in your head what you think should be there and not what is there. Having a fresh set of eyes look at your work will catch a lot of your errors. Then once you realize you have a particular problem (say with commas), you can spend some time learning about that and then read the story you're working on specifically looking for that problem.

Another potential source of help is the people who commented on your story. If you write another Dad/Daughter story, contact everyone who commented on one of your "Dad's Punishment" chapters and ask if they'll read over your new story. Some of them won't have PM's turned on and won't get your message. But if one or two do, they'll probably be excited to help you.
... ....
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Old 06-23-2017, 01:44 PM   #15
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Beta readers and/or an editor can certainly be helpful. A couple of tips on how to do a better job of editing yourself though, since you say you want to improve that ability. Like was mentioned earlier in thread it is common for a writer to see their work as how it should be, so one passes by mistakes without noticing.

I understand the desire to get your story posted as soon as possible but it can be counterproductive. Instead, after writing and proofing leave it alone and don't look at it for a few days minimum. Then when you do there is a better chance you'll notice a mistake you may have breezed by earlier. (If you do get help from beta reader or editor that is a perfect opportunity to leave it alone. Then check after they have read/pointed out problems.)

Another trick is to read it aloud. It doesn't have to be so loud that the whole room hears it. But just the process of mouthing the words instead of just reading them should help to focus the mind while also helping to see if your sentences flow right and this is most valuable with dialog. Does it sound like your characters are actually talking like real people or are they performing an info dump or sounding like robots or something? And of course, reading other stuff and seeing how to use proper punctuation and the like will help for sure. Good luck and the more you write should help as long as you apply yourself.
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