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Old 05-24-2016, 11:04 AM   #1
Kimikimidoll
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Please help a budding writer out by casting a kind eye over her stories.
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:04 PM   #2
Kimikimidoll
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:16 PM   #3
Bramblethorn
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Might want to let people know the category - nonconsent isn't everybody's cup of tea.

Don't have time or brain for a full critique at the moment, just this bit threw me:

Quote:
"You think so?" He almost whispered. I smelled his perfume. It unnerved me.
I wasn't sure whether "perfume" meant his aftershave or a natural scent, and either way I wasn't clear on how it would be unnerving... or maybe it was the whispering that was supposed to be unnerving, in which case those things need to be closer together.
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:25 PM   #4
lovecraft68
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I won't look at non con, but the sentence Bramblethorn posted had two issues

"Almost" Whispered.

Almost is a weak and often inaccurate word. How do you almost whisper? You whispered or you did not. Most often that word should be dropped.

Perfume threw me as well as I associate it with the feminine. Not sure how it would unnerve her either, unless it was the musky scent of his sweat, I don't know, just doesn't seem to fit.
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:42 PM   #5
Kimikimidoll
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
I won't look at non con, but the sentence Bramblethorn posted had two issues

"Almost" Whispered.

Almost is a weak and often inaccurate word. How do you almost whisper? You whispered or you did not. Most often that word should be dropped.

Perfume threw me as well as I associate it with the feminine. Not sure how it would unnerve her either, unless it was the musky scent of his sweat, I don't know, just doesn't seem to fit.
That's a good point. It should be cologne.
You know, when you're talking to someone, and suddenly you realize they're too close- you get a sudden whiff of their perfume- and in the story, the character is already wary of the person, so the whole situation feels 'unnerving' to her.
Almost whispered? Hmm.. Sorry, I can't explain myself- it just went well with the flow.
It was supposed to be at a normal volume- she asked the question at a normal volume- you'd expect the answer back normally, but something in the way he said it made it seem like it was a secret, so it came out as a whisper?
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:56 PM   #6
lovecraft68
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"Oh, you think so?" His voice had lowered and he leaned close to her, close enough for her to catch a whiff of his cologne.

Just a suggestion. You could also add a brand name to make the reader identify more with it, like Brute or Aqua Velva, you know, the good stuff
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Old 05-24-2016, 07:12 PM   #7
Kimikimidoll
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
"Oh, you think so?" His voice had lowered and he leaned close to her, close enough for her to catch a whiff of his cologne.

Just a suggestion. You could also add a brand name to make the reader identify more with it, like Brute or Aqua Velva, you know, the good stuff
Yes, that's a better sentence lol.
I know you said you won't read non-con, but the 'non-consent' part is very light. I honestly don't know what category to put it in, and you'll see what I mean if you read the story. Care to consider? ☺️
I tested Invictus recently, it's good but he hated it. Can't really recall what was the smell lol.
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