Old 12-11-2014, 12:43 PM   #1
sugarskullxx84
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Need feedback pls :)

She stands with her legs apart.
She faces the wall.
Her breathing increases.
She waits for the Master.
She needs him To feel him.
To please him.
Her arms are bound above her head.
Her legs are bound at her ankles.
She stands there.
Naked.
Waiting.
Yearning.
Dripping...
She hears his steps as he walks behind her.
Her heart quickens with anticipation.
Her head falls back against his.
He tells her that She Is His.
She begins to speak, He won’t let her.
He applies the mouth Piece He whispers NO.
With that final breath,
She is his.
She is at his will.
His mercy.
He is aware that she Is his.
That he is in full control.
She serves no other master.
He places his thigh between her Legs.
A breeze from the open window,
Gently entangles itself around her body.
Her nipples are aroused by the cold.
Yet he is close to her,
She can feel the heat from his body.
He runs his course hand down her back,
Across her waist,
Up her stomach,
Over her breasts, and
Down to her thighs.
His touch is welcoming.
It’s something she craves.
It is something she needs to exist.
He gently wraps the blindfold Across her eyes.
He grabs her hair and pulls her Head to his face.
He whispers in her ear “With this I blind you, you no longer
Want anyone but me. I am the only one You need.
Who is your master?”
Quietly she responds,
“You sir.”
He bites into her shoulder.
She quivers in pleasure.
He continues to bite down her back.
He drags his nails down her sides.
She moans in pleasure.
He stands quickly.
Pulling her hair.
“You are to be silent, slave.”
He reaches for the mouth restraint.
Applying it tightly to her mouth.
He whispers, “You will be silent in my presence.”

Last edited by sugarskullxx84 : 12-12-2014 at 01:18 PM.
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Old 12-11-2014, 12:43 PM   #2
DarkPleasures
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Punctuation and paragraphs.
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Old 12-11-2014, 03:02 PM   #3
sugarskullxx84
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Thank you as far as the content goes how does it sound? what do you feel should be added ?
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Old 12-11-2014, 05:01 PM   #4
PennLady
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You need to either learn or use some basic rules on punctuation, capitalization and grammar. This is a great big block of text, and that's difficult to read on screen. Most readers won't want to try to parse it all out when there is stuff that's easier to read. I don't want to.

As for what else to add, I don't think anyone can really answer that for you. If it's your story, you need to come up with the plot and ideas and characterization. If you're not sure, you could try reading in the categories you like to see which authors you like, and which elements you find appealing in stories. But if you can't come up with the basic idea by yourself, you're going to have a hard time writing.

What you have here is a scene or part of a scene, and that's fine. It's up to you whether want to finish this and have it be sort of a sexy vignette, as opposed to a story that has some kind of conflict that is resolved.
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Old 12-11-2014, 06:56 PM   #5
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- Punctuation isn't about following the rules, it's about helping you communicate. You didn't punctuate. But it doesn't need to be like this, punctuation is your friend if you embrace it.

- Your capitalisation suggests you have too many short sentences together: mix it up short & long sentences. You could/should merge many of your sentences together. A sentence is usually a complete thought and you broken them up - or not, it's hard to tell with your complete punctuation failure.

- Create a new paragraph after a few sentences: big blocks of text are difficult to read.

- I'm not a fan of your literary flourishes: reign them in.

- you have a lot of inbuilt story-conflict, so that is nice. I guess it comes with bondage territory. Is she going to get what she desires; Will he allow her her release? [or whatever]
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Old 12-13-2014, 02:01 AM   #6
robertreams
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Even in this age of "free verse", this does not qualify as poetry. It is too literal and matter of fact, rather like a newspaper report. As others have remarked about paragraphs and punctuation, neither is it prose. Also some basic spellig errors: "course" instead of "coarse"
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:08 AM   #7
PennLady
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robertreams View Post
Even in this age of "free verse", this does not qualify as poetry. It is too literal and matter of fact, rather like a newspaper report. As others have remarked about paragraphs and punctuation, neither is it prose. Also some basic spellig errors: "course" instead of "coarse"
I'm not sure if you saw the actual original post, we based our comments on that, which wasn't a poem but a big unpunctuated block of text.

I can't debate whether this is poetry or not, but at a quick glance it's better than the original OP. It's easier to read, at least.
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:33 AM   #8
monoblanco
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Your edits to the original post are a big improvement.

I actually thought about suggesting exactly what you did, but then got distracted by boobies...

MUCH easier to read! So thanks for that.

Now, I'm wondering, is it a story or is it a poem?
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Old 12-15-2014, 01:49 PM   #9
surferjake
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PennLady View Post
I'm not sure if you saw the actual original post, we based our comments on that, which wasn't a poem but a big unpunctuated block of text.

I can't debate whether this is poetry or not, but at a quick glance it's better than the original OP. It's easier to read, at least.
Agreed.. though it seems to be stuck between wanting to be a story and wanting to be prose/poetry. It can easily become a story with some connecting sentences.. or it could become free verse with some tweaking, elimination of some of the wording, some additional flourishes.

But without knowing which way to go, it's hard to give any other feedback/help.
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Old 12-15-2014, 08:54 PM   #10
sugarskullxx84
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atm it is just thoughts being written down.. not sure where to go with it
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Old 12-15-2014, 09:13 PM   #11
PennLady
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarskullxx84 View Post
atm it is just thoughts being written down.. not sure where to go with it
Well you've got plenty for a scene, if not a story. As for where to go with it, no one can really tell you that. It's your story, so you need to tell it.
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