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Old 08-16-2015, 02:07 AM   #1
PalmTreesandSand
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Looking for Constructive Criticism

I just finished my very first story and I am looking for feedback.

The title is "Not Just Another Walk in the Park" in the Non-consent/Reluctance category.

This is the first chapter with the following chapters pending.

Any feedback you can give would be appreciated.

Thanks,
PalmTreesAndSand

Last edited by PalmTreesandSand : 08-16-2015 at 02:12 AM.
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Old 08-16-2015, 04:03 AM   #2
Tigersman
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It is a good story with good plot and character development. I really liked how you paid attention to detail.
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Old 08-16-2015, 04:10 AM   #3
geronimo_appleby
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a link might help. a lot of people are too lazy to search.
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Old 08-16-2015, 04:48 AM   #4
PalmTreesandSand
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The Link

Here is the link to the story. Sorry I am new to all of this and not real sure of what I'm doing.

https://www.literotica.com/s/not-jus...lk-in-the-park
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Old 08-16-2015, 04:50 AM   #5
geronimo_appleby
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PalmTreesandSand View Post
Here is the link to the story. Sorry I am new to all of this and not real sure of what I'm doing.

https://www.literotica.com/s/not-jus...lk-in-the-park
no worries, we were all new once.

it's also possible to edit your original post to include the link there.
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Old 08-16-2015, 05:35 AM   #6
Messier82
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I wouldn't normally choose to read something in this genre.
However, being objective, you got straight into the 'action' which is enough to hook most readers and plot clearly has more to give. I'd say you've achieved the main aim of any storyteller, and that is the desire to turn a page and see what happens next. Good stuff.

I spotted a couple of typo issues but as it's already online it doesn't matter.
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Old 08-16-2015, 05:47 AM   #7
JAMESBJOHNSON
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I read enough of the story to award it one big Bronx Cheer.

Lessee. She runs off down the street then two paragraphs later she slips thru the wall in the backyard. Which is it?

ObamaCare came out with fewer problems than this thing.
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Old 08-16-2015, 09:09 AM   #8
near1111
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good one

well written although a bit too hard imho (treating to kill the mother if she speaks about the sex) but it seems that she enjoyed that and the guy had no Intention to harm her after the act. looking Forward to read more stuff like that mate.
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Old 08-16-2015, 09:16 AM   #9
Messier82
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I thought the threat to kill was necessary, otherwise why would the victim not run straight to the police? It's obvious he would have a record of some kind and would likely have been DNA tested so the threat was his best route to avoid being lifted on the next page.
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