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Old Today, 12:50 PM   #1
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Tanned_babe is offline
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Finally, I Bit the Bullet... Feedback Appreciated

Hi All,

After years (and years) I finally posted a story on Lit.

As it's my first go at this, I'd love some constructive feedback/ratings/comments, whatever so that I can improve as the characters' relationship continues...

The story is called Blueprints: https://www.literotica.com/s/blueprints

I really hope it's enjoyable!

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Old Today, 07:02 PM   #2
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electricblue66 is online now
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Welcome to the writer's place - in your story comments you'll get reader feedback, here fellow writers will have a go. So, here goes.

I started your story, stopped half way through. Then came back to it and finished. I thought, hmm, why did I do that, giving this story the benefit of my doubt?

And I think it's because I found the narrator quite engaging, good with observational detail, full of wanting to tell me things. And there's my point; the narrator, your voice, is more present in this piece than the characters. Zara ends up being quite well drawn, but it's a struggle pulling her out of the clutter of detail in the story - much of which seems to be irrelevant to propelling the tale forward, but every now and then I'm told something and I think, oh, maybe this will be important. But it's not. So, the old writer cliche applies here, I think: "show, don't tell." You're telling me lots of stuff, but I'm not feeling it. I want to, but there's so much detail, I'm being shot at with confetti. None of it's sticking.

But then you write this:

Joanna's grip, although firm had a soft touch, almost gentle, which, Zara could appreciate for longer than one should. The Architect could feel that ever familiar heat rising as she went to detach herself from, Joanna's prolonged grip. However, in one graceful movement, the Professor had gripped her hand a fraction tighter as her other hand cupped the slightly shorter woman's pretty face. Delicate fingers pressed lightly against her jaw line, raising her head a fraction just before their lips met and Joanna kissed her.

It was only for two seconds, three tops. Not enough time for, Zara to truly register what had happened until, Joanna had pulled away, simultaneously releasing her face and hand. The younger woman stood, looking slightly shocked, her dark eyes flitting from those of her counter part to the floor and back. She cleared her throat quietly, swallowing the moan that, should the embrace have been extended, would definitely have escaped from her full lips.
...and I think, there it is, this girl can write, she's going to pull me into this. And the thing is, here, you the narrator have become Zara, and that's why these paragraphs "work" for me. I feel the two or three second wonder (others here will tell you I drag out the 2-3 second wonder into a year and a half, so I'll claim some expertise here!). There are some distancing things which become a little curious - 'the Architect' 'the Professor' - and I think they are exactly that - distancing. And so is your narrative voice - you're distancing yourself from the story, and it shows, it's tentative, it's not sure of itself.

The sense I get here, and it comes back around to my affection for your narrator, is that you, M, want to speak with Zara' s voice, but you're not quite brave enough. Be brave, write another story (or another version of this one, but leave this one here and leave it alone), but next time, maybe write it in first person. This will do two things - first, it will focus your writing of detail to that which is important to 'you the character', thus removing clutter; second, it will get you much closer to the action, and thus more intimate.

There is a wonderful potential for this story to become very intimate, very sensual - what could go wrong, a strong minded young woman being seduced by an experienced older woman who knows exactly what she wants and how to get it? What could go wrong is you keep distancing yourself from the wonder of that young woman. You want to be her, so write yourself into her. You've been brave, posting your first story, so be braver, write yourself into the next chapter.

In other words, keep writing. You have the potential to be very good - technically you've got the chops (a little rough in places, but hey, first story, right?) - just don't run away from yourself.

Good luck, I'll be interested to see how you grow.


My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions
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