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Old 01-18-2018, 05:53 PM   #1
Carnevil9
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Thumbs up What the heck; I'll review your story for you!

Hey, I've got a little free time these days. If anyone is interested, send me a link to one of your best stories, and I'll read it and post feedback here. A few caveats, though:

1. Only one to a customer. So send me your best one! Put the link here in a post, along with the title and category.

2. Keep it short. Maximum of two pages. I'm a slow reader (my lips get tired). If you only write long stories, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

3. I'll read any category, but be aware there are some that I don't normally read (like Gay Male or BDSM), so my assessments may not be typical of your normal readership.

4. If your prose is atrocious (their/there/they're, your/you're, or fakakta punctuation or spelling) I may bale out after the first paragraph.

5. Be patient. I'll probably only get to three or four a week, maybe less.

6. I reserve the right to pull the plug on this at any time. Life has a way of bombarding you with work just when you think you have time for a breather.

Okay, who's first?..........Carney
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Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

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Old 01-18-2018, 07:09 PM   #2
lovecraft68
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When you said you wanted short I figured that left me out, but...here's a little piece I wrote a couple years ago because most of my stories are long stories with slow burns.

This is a quick and dirty incest piece, low on conflict, low on 'depth' high on taboo fun.

Its actually a bit of a satire, but I don't think most people picked up on it.

"Mom likes porn too"

https://www.literotica.com/s/mom-likes-porn-too
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Old 01-18-2018, 08:09 PM   #3
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Well, that leaves my current crop out. And, really, even most of my older stuff. But, if you want a giggle and nothing more interesting crops up go ahead and use this old chestnut submitted in the humor category under one of my former nom de plumes as a piñata.
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Old 01-19-2018, 01:15 AM   #4
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I don't have a best story, they all are I guess is better way to put it. I do think you should read my stories since you haven't yet, you bad pervert.

Go on read my stories, I dare you, double dog dare you, and the top dog dare, triple dog infinity dare you. Probably watched too much A Christmas Story last year. Don't look at me like that, they did the live version and then the movie was aired too.

Rest of you perverts just looking in here, go on read my stories too, about half of you haven't yet anyway.

Oh good grief for those who don't know, click on my name and then go to homepage.
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Old 01-19-2018, 02:25 AM   #5
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If you can be bothered, I wrote this? https://www.literotica.com/s/bikini-beach-ch-01
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Old 01-19-2018, 03:28 PM   #6
Carnevil9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
When you said you wanted short I figured that left me out, but...here's a little piece I wrote a couple years ago because most of my stories are long stories with slow burns.

This is a quick and dirty incest piece, low on conflict, low on 'depth' high on taboo fun.

Its actually a bit of a satire, but I don't think most people picked up on it.

"Mom likes porn too"

https://www.literotica.com/s/mom-likes-porn-too
Mom Likes Porn Too! by lovecraft68

This is a great little story, very meta. I can see why LC calls it "a bit of a satire," as it is sort of a self-aware look at the way smut works. A young dude has a hot mom, and he naturally has the hots for her. Of course, he knows that nothing happens between young dudes and their moms in real life, so he contents himself with watching momcest porn on the internet, all the while chuckling at how unrealistic the stories are. Little does he know that... well, any more would be telling.

I like the clever layered structure of this story. There is the hero of the story and his mom, and there is the deeper layer of the porn stories he watches on his computer while fantasizing about his mom. But there is one more layer, too: YOU, the gentle reader, who is only reading this story because you are also fantasizing!

Other than the clever structure of the story, it also scores points for being very well written, appropriately paced, and high on descriptive, erotic sex. Did I get a boner? Yes. There is also a refreshing lack of clinical details concerning bra sizes and cock lengths; we are free to substitute ourselves (and our crushes) into the story if we want to. At first, the short, one- to two-sentence paragraphs put me off, but not for long. I quickly realized that those gave it a cadence, a pace, that helped propel me forward through the plot. It almost began to feel like a prose poem or a spoken word performance.

Anyway, bottom line: Hot, well written, and clever. Go read it!
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Old 01-19-2018, 04:43 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by PuckIt View Post
Well, that leaves my current crop out. And, really, even most of my older stuff. But, if you want a giggle and nothing more interesting crops up go ahead and use this old chestnut submitted in the humor category under one of my former nom de plumes as a piñata.
Mistletoe Kringle by Acktion

This is a cute, humorous one-pager about Santa's naughty daughter. It is well written, very original, funny, and full of sly references to other Christmas classics that will keep you chuckling. It also has quite a number of very quick sex acts around the world. Unfortunately, it isn't particularly erotic, but I gather that wasn't the goal in the first place. Very nicely done for a holiday change-of-pace.
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Newest Story! - You Have To Go To Mass! - How far will Mom go to convince her son to go to Mass with her?
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Porn With The Wind - Plantation owner's daughter jonesing for some hot Slave Cock!
Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

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Old 01-19-2018, 05:34 PM   #8
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Yeah, here's one, a strange little piece, just gone up in a comp.

https://www.literotica.com/s/songs-of-seduction-water
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Old 01-19-2018, 07:30 PM   #9
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I'm down for placing my head on the proverbial chopping block.

Four Little Words is a single-page story in the Non-Erotic category, meant to be thought-provoking for a reader and hopefully give them something to think about (and possibly share in the comments).

I'd be honored to have your thoughts on it.
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Old 01-19-2018, 07:54 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelaSaxon View Post
If you can be bothered, I wrote this? https://www.literotica.com/s/bikini-beach-ch-01
Bikini Beach Chapter 1 by AngelaSaxon

Oh my fucking God. That is just about the most unpleasant story I have ever read.

First of all, the protagonists are thoroughly unpleasant and unsympathetic. Not that you can't write a good story about unpleasant characters, but you have to work a little harder to make them interesting. These two were not.

Second of all, the writing was not terribly captivating. It mostly consisted of long stretches of exposition, punctuated by occasional bursts of clunky dialog. This story needs a healthy dose of "show, don't tell" to make it more readable.

Finally, and most importantly, the story itself, about two horny teenagers doing unspeakable things to a drugged girl, is really, really off-putting. I see that there is a Chapter 2, and I am hoping to Allah that they get their comeuppance in that chapter. I have no problems with unpleasant people doing unpleasant things in stories, but you have to show some respect to the readers by letting them know that at the very least, you, the writer, know that they are bad people.

Now I need a shower, and not in a good way!
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Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

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Old 01-20-2018, 01:54 PM   #11
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I'll give it a shot.

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-newest-coworker
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Old 01-20-2018, 03:46 PM   #12
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I sent you a PM.

(BTW - I enjoy your screen name - big fan of ELP's better works )
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Old 01-21-2018, 02:53 AM   #13
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What the heck. This one doesn't have such a high score, but I kind of like it: Waiting for the Locksmith, a one-page Exhibitionist & Voyeur story (for lack of anywhere else to put it).

Actually, this is a really great service you're providing. You're a clever and big-hearted reviewer, and I've really enjoyed the reviews you've provided so far. Thanks for doing it.
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Old 01-21-2018, 03:00 AM   #14
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I'll play.
I usually write long stories but have written a handful of short ones. This one was a challenge. A friend sent me the picture and I wrote a shirt story based on the picture.

I have two short stories posted here with strange ratings and favorites.
This one has 8 favorites but is only at a 4.08(I'll say right now I don't like any rating under 4.5, so it takes a lot to not pester Laurel to delete any of my stuff that goes under that)
https://www.literotica.com/s/next-time-the-beach-1

The other one has only 5 favorites but rated a bit higher at 4.42.

But anyway, this is just a shirt story so there is no character development, or not much at all, but I like it for what it is.
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Old 01-21-2018, 12:39 PM   #15
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Well... I see you have quite a few stories queued up. I'll add mine. No rush. You'll get to it when you're able.

One of the few stories I've written which is under 2 pages.

https://www.literotica.com/s/echoes-6

Category - Incest. I hope you like it.
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Old 01-23-2018, 03:07 AM   #16
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Thanks for all the posts! I've been away for the weekend, hope to get back to this little project in the next few days. This is really helping me to stretch my boundaries! I appreciate the submissions!

(except for you, emap! don't be a pussy; pick a favorite and submit it!)
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Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
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Old 01-23-2018, 09:15 AM   #17
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Don't know if this is among my best (if there is such a thing) but due to subject matter it is one of my favorites. It's called Megan and the Monster and is in Nonhuman category.

https://www.literotica.com/s/megan-and-the-monster
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Old 01-23-2018, 12:33 PM   #18
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Story Review

If you’ve got time, please take a look at this one.

https://www.literotica.com/s/an-open-letter-to-steve
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Old 01-23-2018, 01:12 PM   #19
Carnevil9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
Yeah, here's one, a strange little piece, just gone up in a comp.

https://www.literotica.com/s/songs-of-seduction-water
Songs of Seduction - Water by electricblue66

This incredible story has some of the most beautiful prose I've read in a long time; very lyrical and almost musical. There is very little dialog in much of it, which normally renders a story stagnant for me, but not in this case. It just isn't needed.

The story itself is basically a riddle: it reminds me a lot of the classic science fiction stories I read in my youth. You can tell that the story isn't taking place in our normal world, and you are trying to figure out what the rules are in this strange, beautiful world that the author has created.

In the end, it turns out to be a beautiful, but slightly sad, love story. Not particularly erotic, at least not to me, but I'm glad that I read it.
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Newest Story! - You Have To Go To Mass! - How far will Mom go to convince her son to go to Mass with her?
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Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
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Old 01-23-2018, 02:30 PM   #20
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Thanks for the offer, Carnevil9. I've given others enough feedback, I suppose I deserve a little of my own.

If you find the time, I'd love to hear what you think of Platinum Anniversary. It is my least read and least commented story, and I feel like it deserves a bit more attention.

Thanks again!
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Old 01-23-2018, 03:14 PM   #21
Carnevil9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Areala-chan View Post
I'm down for placing my head on the proverbial chopping block.

Four Little Words is a single-page story in the Non-Erotic category, meant to be thought-provoking for a reader and hopefully give them something to think about (and possibly share in the comments).

I'd be honored to have your thoughts on it.
Four Little Words by Areala-chan

This is a difficult story to review without giving everything away. It is another recursive story, in a sense, because it is about a professor challenging his students to think in a certain way, and at the same time, the author is challenging the readers to think (and reply) about the same thing. (the fact that the story has so many replies shows that it is very effective.)

Personally, I thought the prose was bit too brittle. Too many adjectives, too many details, and sentences that went on a little too long. Then again, that might have been deliberate to enhance the academic feeling of the setting, the fussiness of the professor, and the nervousness of the students at final exam time.

Note that the category is non-erotic, and there was indeed nothing erotic about it. But it did have a lot of emotion, which is sometimes even better.
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Newest Story! - You Have To Go To Mass! - How far will Mom go to convince her son to go to Mass with her?
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Porn With The Wind - Plantation owner's daughter jonesing for some hot Slave Cock!
Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

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Old 01-23-2018, 04:36 PM   #22
Carnevil9
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My Newest Coworker by hailhydra

This is a nicely plotted story of misbehavior, humiliation, and redemption. It has a great and well constructed story arc. However, I think the author, while showing promise, still needs to work on some writing basics.

The beginning is very slow, and dumps us with a ton of exposition. This is precisely the part of the story where you want to get the reader engaged, not bored. If I hadn't been reading this to review it, I probably would have clicked out of it for that wall of text. It needs a healthy dose of "show, don't tell" to get the reader feeling like part of the action.

Also, the launching point for the plot (being mean to someone you have just met) doesn't seem to be based on any logical motivation. I thought that needed more explanation. Why would the main character behave this way? Without a good reason to believe it, the story lacked relevance. And without this antisocial behavior, the story doesn't make sense.

Another issue was that much of the prose was clumsy and awkward. How could he know that his ass was "glowing bright red" from a spanking? Many paragraphs included things that, while not specifically impossible, just seemed improbable.

Still, the story itself was good, and the ending was satisfying, if a bit rushed. The descriptions of the handjobs were nice and saucy. I'm always a sucker for a good handjob story!

My recommendation is to keep writing, and keep reading. Writing is a skill that only improves with mileage.
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Think you’ve conquered your gag reflex? Read my latest drivel!

Newest Story! - You Have To Go To Mass! - How far will Mom go to convince her son to go to Mass with her?
The Mermaid - How DO you fuck a creature without a pussy?
Porn With The Wind - Plantation owner's daughter jonesing for some hot Slave Cock!
Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

And all the REST of my crap!

Discuss my stories (or suggest new ones) at my new Carnevil9 Tumblr page! Now with PICTURES!!!

Last edited by Carnevil9 : 01-24-2018 at 02:41 AM.
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Old 01-23-2018, 04:58 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Carnevil9 View Post
Songs of Seduction - Water by electricblue66

In the end, it turns out to be a beautiful, but slightly sad, love story. Not particularly erotic, at least not to me, but I'm glad that I read it.
Thank you Carnevil9. Your comment about my prose is especially wonderful.

EB


https://www.literotica.com/s/songs-of-seduction-water
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Old 01-23-2018, 05:21 PM   #24
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Hey Carnevil9, this one's been nominated for an award (my first ever nomination for anything), and I'd love your take on it (and dead curious to see if you get the Frank Zappa reference).

It is GM, but the intention was to write a light-hearted psychological horror, where the victim wasn't a blonde woman. Just for a change. Inspired by the likes of the movie, Creep.

https://www.literotica.com/s/trapped...-outback-pt-02

Cheers,

Jase.
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Old 01-24-2018, 12:53 AM   #25
Carnevil9
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Hey Carnevil9, this one's been nominated for an award (my first ever nomination for anything), and I'd love your take on it (and dead curious to see if you get the Frank Zappa reference).

It is GM, but the intention was to write a light-hearted psychological horror, where the victim wasn't a blonde woman. Just for a change. Inspired by the likes of the movie, Creep.

https://www.literotica.com/s/trapped...-outback-pt-02

Cheers,

Jase.
I love psychological horror, I love Frank Zappa, and I was fascinated by the movie Creep (although I didn't quite love it). I'll look forward to reading your story!
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Think you’ve conquered your gag reflex? Read my latest drivel!

Newest Story! - You Have To Go To Mass! - How far will Mom go to convince her son to go to Mass with her?
The Mermaid - How DO you fuck a creature without a pussy?
Porn With The Wind - Plantation owner's daughter jonesing for some hot Slave Cock!
Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

And all the REST of my crap!

Discuss my stories (or suggest new ones) at my new Carnevil9 Tumblr page! Now with PICTURES!!!
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