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Old 04-26-2017, 06:16 AM   #1
PrevertOne
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Erica The Edited: Part Two

Finally! It's posted. The edit was delayed due to communication issues between Yahoo Mail and AOL. Deepest thanks to Tucker McCallahan for the edit. Feedback is appreciated. Hope you enjoy https://www.literotica.com/s/erica-the-edited-pt-02
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"I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. I think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now MOVE!"-Colonel "Bat" Guano:

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/storie...-Trap-Part-One

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/storie...-Trap-Part-Two

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/storie...rap-Conclusion

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictur...24/Slimy-Birth

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictur...es...in-Shower

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictur...s-Nowhere-Safe
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Old 04-27-2017, 03:53 PM   #2
PrevertOne
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Kind of like many movie sequels, I guess.

Well it's been over a day and it looks like lightning doesn't strike twice. The story's doing well but no better than most my other postings. Seems to be peaking early, less votes with lower ratings. The first part was a fluke I guess. I'm still scratching my head. The second part seems to have boosted the first part a bit. The lower performance could be from the thing I hadn't tried before. It's the first story I wrote depicting a same sex relationship among men. I wish I had feedback. I'd really like to know how I did.
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"I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. I think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now MOVE!"-Colonel "Bat" Guano:

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/storie...-Trap-Part-One

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/storie...-Trap-Part-Two

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/storie...rap-Conclusion

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictur...24/Slimy-Birth

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictur...es...in-Shower

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictur...s-Nowhere-Safe
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Old 04-27-2017, 06:13 PM   #3
AwkwardMD
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I'll give them a read tonight and try to wrote something up for you tonight.
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Old 04-27-2017, 06:42 PM   #4
electricblue66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrevertOne View Post
The lower performance could be from the thing I hadn't tried before. It's the first story I wrote depicting a same sex relationship among men. I wish I had feedback. I'd really like to know how I did.
Without reading the story (Mind Control is of no interest to me), there's a clue right there: you have a story with Erica in the title, yet the reader finds man on man action? Many readers will back out as soon as they realise what you've written.

I had a minor hit with an older man younger woman story not so long ago, wrote a sequel with the same characters and introduced her boyfriend and a three-way. The sequel tanked - a tenth the number of views. Wrote a third part in the same series, same older man, different younger woman, bingo, high views, high scores.

Seems many readers don't like gay action so much, especially when not announced.
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My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions
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Old 04-27-2017, 08:53 PM   #5
AwkwardMD
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I have two big problems with this story. I read the entire first chapter and the first page of the second chapter.

The first problem is the mechanic you used for the mind control. I think you needed to spend more time considering how you express external dialogue, internal monologue, and Cameron's mental powers. Double quotes should only ever be used for words being said out loud. The reader, when reading something, will see " and assume that everything after that is being said out loud. When you introduce a ," she thought, you force the reader to back up and redact the mental image you have building. Now the thing they thought was said out loud wasn't, and they have to change the way they're painting listeners reactions.

When someone is saying something in quotes, like "I like chocolate", you cannot interrupt the continuity of the quotation marks. "I like chocolate BALLS" reads as someone saying "i like chocolate" and then shouting "BALLS" at the very end. No one will read the bolded words as not having been said out loud. Ergo, you cannot interject Cameron's suggestions into dialogue. You need to break up the dialogue. "I don't really know who you are," Don't worry about that "or where we are," You're safe "but something tells me to trust you." Good girl.

I get that you were trying to blur the lines between external and internal monologues, but you shot yourself in the foot by blurring what was basically the very first bits of dialogue in the story. You have to have black and white established as such first before turning them into gray means anything.

The second problem is with the way you established Erica. Making her a victim in your opening creates feelings of empathy and support in the mind of your reader. You have established that she is a wounded animal. Others have done her wrong. Given your beginning, it would have been appropriate for her to develop mind control powers and turn her own life around.

But you didn't. You took a wounded animal and kicked it repeatedly. If you had just not said anything about who Erica was or what had been done to her, OR made her into someone to be despised and whose downfall would be cheered, that would have been better.

What you're setting yourself up for, in the story you wrote here, is that you have characters who are unable to function without Cameron's direct influence. Yes, you gave Erica a better job, but how could she possibly execute this job now? You've reduced your character to a meat puppet, and while anal fisting is always a fun story element, I don't think that's what you really wanted to do here.

Like EB66 said, naming your story after a woman and then pulling a gotcha with gay sex that doesn't involve her at all is asking to be scored low. It's not that you included gay sex, it's that that wasn't part of the deal in the beginning because you literally named it after a woman. If you had named it something more nebulous, or after Cameron, you would still likely be getting a lower score in the second chapter, but it wouldn't be quite so low.
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