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Old 05-02-2016, 11:52 AM   #1
Onyx2daBone
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Full Chapter - Sammy So Young

I still have editing to do here (not sure of the editing process on Literotica).

Sammy So Young - Part 1

https://www.literotica.com/s/sammy-so-young-ch-01

I would appreciate all feedback and any interest in the next two sections of the story. Thanks.

Last edited by Onyx2daBone : 05-02-2016 at 11:59 AM.
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Old 05-02-2016, 04:12 PM   #2
PennLady
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Hi. Welcome and good luck.

There is no "editing process" on Literotica. There's no official requirement on editing for stories, although you probably do yourself some favors if you can find someone to read your story over and help fix any mistakes.

The Volunteer Editing program, or the list of available editors in the Editors' Hangout, are all just people offering to help, most of whom are not professional editors.

The main requirements for posting on Lit are: a 750-word minimum; no underage characters in sexually explicit scenes, including watching; no bestiality; no snuff; and in the case of non-consent/reluctance, the victim is at some point supposed to enjoy it.
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Old Yesterday, 12:21 PM   #3
silversword
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I note you say it needs editing, if I were you I would re-write it. You have the idea for a story which in itself could be interesting, a guy watching a girl at a bus stop and fantasising about her.

I have a serious misgiving about the way the story is written, everything in it implies that the girl is too young. Just putting a line in so say she is 19 doesn't change the rest of the picture that you paint about her. Constantly referring to her as a "kid" doesn't help.

Also a lot of what you have written doesn't make any sense and too often you make a point and then try to answer it and it is just clumsy. Several times I had to re-read a paragraph only to still not be really sure what point you were trying to make.

For example, your first paragraph:

He saw her little bush for the umpteenth time. Roe always forced himself to focus on her bush, cause the fat pussy, sitting so moist and ready underneath, screamed that it was worth the risk of getting his black ass killed, just for a taste . . . a sniff. She was eating ice cream, something so usual in the summertime. But it was chocolate this time and the color made Roe feel more positive about his chances.

I misread it several times as "unusual in the summertime", and I was thinking why is it unusual to eat ice cream in summer. Because if it didn't say unusual there seems like no point even saying it. Why not just say she was eating an ice cream.

There is something very sexy about a woman in lipstick sucking on an ice lolly. So many possibilities for her to hold your gaze with her eyes as she slides the cold, hard lolly between her lips.

Having a woman eat an ice cream so badly that it runs down her face, stains her top and somehow manages to get all the way to her pussy (along with her lipstick?) just doesn't do it for me I'm afraid.

Maybe a good idea, but I would seriously consider having another go at writing it. Use the feedback you get here, I'm sure others will be along soon to give you some further advice. Also look into using an editor.
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Last edited by silversword : Yesterday at 12:34 PM.
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