Old 07-05-2015, 08:54 PM   #1
missmaddy
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The Stranger

I just published my first story and would like some feedback on how I can improve. It got okay reviews but I know I can do better. Any suggestions?

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-stranger-59
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Old 07-06-2015, 12:53 PM   #2
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Cool

get rid of all the "rnnngnghhss" they detract from the otherwise intense sexuality of the story. I wonder if others find the dripping hooded raincoat (foreskin?) as sensual as i do. Perhaps he should leave it on for the first entry, or at least the blow job.
Pretty damn well done!
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Old 07-06-2015, 05:24 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by robertreams View Post
get rid of all the "rnnngnghhss" they detract from the otherwise intense sexuality of the story. I wonder if others find the dripping hooded raincoat (foreskin?) as sensual as i do. Perhaps he should leave it on for the first entry, or at least the blow job.
Pretty damn well done!
TY for the feedback. I always wonders about sex noises in a story. It does seem artificial in a way but everyone else seems to do it. Anyone else have thoughts on it??
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Old 07-06-2015, 08:18 PM   #4
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TY for the feedback. I always wonders about sex noises in a story. It does seem artificial in a way but everyone else seems to do it. Anyone else have thoughts on it??
Yeah, lose the artificial sex noises. They distract from the story and left me wondering if those were cries/grunts of pleasure or pain? Just because others do it doesn't mean it's proper in your context.

Other than that, I agree, pretty well done.
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Old 07-06-2015, 09:01 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by missmaddy View Post
I just published my first story and would like some feedback on how I can improve. It got okay reviews but I know I can do better. Any suggestions?

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-stranger-59
Just to complicate things... I'm really not bothered by the artificial sex noises in and of themselves, to be honest. Yes, it's a little like having KA-POW! and WHAMMM-O! notations in comic books, but particularly if you're going for a more raw kind of affect it can actually serve to enhance the eroticism of a story for me.

Provided the noises involved look at least plausibly similar to noises people actually make... and provided it fits with the rest of what you're doing. I do think making a consistent choice about crudeness in the language of a sex scene can enhance it and that there is something potentially jarring about the above tactic appearing alongside the rather prim use of a word like "essence" to denote jizz (cum, spunk, baby-making man-batter etc.). It isn't always easy to remember to be consistent with this kind of tone but I think it can help; it's having an overall context that fits together a little more tightly, be it more "literary" or more crude (and both of those are valid choices) that might be the best way to think of it.
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Old 07-06-2015, 11:01 PM   #6
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Never mind. too harsh

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Old 07-07-2015, 02:31 AM   #7
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It's evident you are relying on spellcheck way too much. All spellcheck does is tell the writer if the word they used was spelled correctly, not if it is the right word. The sex noise didn't really bother me. Your descriptions of what she was feeling and experiencing were really good.
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Old 07-16-2015, 05:34 PM   #8
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It's evident you are relying on spellcheck way too much. All spellcheck does is tell the writer if the word they used was spelled correctly, not if it is the right word. The sex noise didn't really bother me. Your descriptions of what she was feeling and experiencing were really good.
Good point. Word choice of course is paramount when trying to describe physical feelings, and I do find myself constantly searching for alternatives to over-used words like "cum", "cock", "pussy" and "tits". Anyway, thanks to everyone for the feedback. I'll try to improve on my first effort with the next story.
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Old 07-17-2015, 03:58 AM   #9
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You are very good, the fantasy is compelling. I want to give you some tips I think might improve it .

QUOTE:
He is a big man - tall with broad shoulders. I know I should slam the door and scream. I don't.(this is a great example of compressing the action down to short sentences, well done, continuing. . . My heart (is racing) races. Excitement seeps from my body. My swollen nipples burn. (with desire.) I no longer care (how dangerous he might be) about danger. I want this man. Want him on me. In me. Want him to take me, (to0 fill me, (to) fuck me until I beg. (him to stop.)

I move (back) from the door (practically) inviting him to enter. He steps inside. Rain drips from his jacket onto the floor. My heart pounds (in my chest) with (a mixture of) fear and excitement. He reaches (up) to touch my face. His fingers brush (across) my cheek. Despite the cold rain, his touch burns (into) my flesh.

My breathing is heavy. My breasts (are) heave(ing from the) with exhilaration (I feel). His fingers trace (along) the line of my jaw. In the darkness I can (almost) feel his eyes boring into me, (and telling) speaking to me of (his) carnal desires. His huge hand moves down my face and neck, (until it) reaches the deep-cut of my gown. His fingers graze the valley between my breasts.

I am trembling - not with fear, but with need. Every nerve ending( in my body is) screams (ming) for his touch. His hand moves inside my gown (and) to cup my breast, (as if) weighing its fullness, his thumb brushing (es over) the hardened bud (poking out invitingly) from of my nipple. I moan softly into the quiet night.

Wat do you think? too much? I love the intensity you have created at this point. This is erotic literature, get rid of the nearlys and the almosts and the qualifiers.
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Old 07-18-2015, 11:14 AM   #10
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Erotic thesaurus

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Originally Posted by missmaddy View Post
Good point. Word choice of course is paramount when trying to describe physical feelings, and I do find myself constantly searching for alternatives to over-used words like "cum", "cock", "pussy" and "tits". Anyway, thanks to everyone for the feedback. I'll try to improve on my first effort with the next story.
I found this website which was set up alphabetically. You pick a letter and up comes several common words used in erotic literature. Each word will offer alternative choices for the word.

[url]www.adriannadane.com/sensualthesaurus.html
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Old 07-25-2015, 12:04 PM   #11
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I really enjoyed it. But yes, the moans were a tad OTT but didn't bother me too much. The only real problem I managed to spot was the 'public hair' typo. But that's probably because someone else pointed it out.

Overall it was brilliant. My advise? You should give it an edit and re-post it in a few weeks as an update to wash out any typos you might spot while re-reading it, this is what I've been doing. The longer you take to look over and re-read your content the better you'll get at writing in my opinion.

I hope you keep posting new stories.

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Old 07-27-2015, 06:10 PM   #12
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I really enjoyed it. But yes, the moans were a tad OTT but didn't bother me too much. The only real problem I managed to spot was the 'public hair' typo. But that's probably because someone else pointed it out.

Overall it was brilliant. My advise? You should give it an edit and re-post it in a few weeks as an update to wash out any typos you might spot while re-reading it, this is what I've been doing. The longer you take to look over and re-read your content the better you'll get at writing in my opinion.

I hope you keep posting new stories.

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Thank you. That's great advice. I'm most of the way through part 2 of the story and plan to post soon.
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Old 07-27-2015, 07:27 PM   #13
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Can't wait. I favorited your story, when you get around to posting the second part I might give you a fav author.

Editing is everything and writing is editing, that's something instilled to me by a lot of people on this site. :P I know you get all giddy about writing a new story, and you want to post and share it to the world as soon as possible(I've done it a bit too much myself in the past), but the more you write and get critique the more it will teach you and numb your enthusiasm. Which is good.

Too much enthusiasm to post new content quickly can kill your rep. Take your time to edit, re-read, skim, change, whatever. Just take a few days of looking over new content before posting. And you'll be set.

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Old 07-27-2015, 08:55 PM   #14
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Can't wait. I favorited your story, when you get around to posting the second part I might give you a fav author.

Editing is everything and writing is editing, that's something instilled to me by a lot of people on this site. :P I know you get all giddy about writing a new story, and you want to post and share it to the world as soon as possible(I've done it a bit too much myself in the past), but the more you write and get critique the more it will teach you and numb your enthusiasm. Which is good.

Too much enthusiasm to post new content quickly can kill your rep. Take your time to edit, re-read, skim, change, whatever. Just take a few days of looking over new content before posting. And you'll be set.

--LLI
Thanks. I'm getting some help on this one so hopefully it will be improved from my first effort.
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