Old 08-13-2014, 01:40 AM   #1
theAmateur
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Arrow A first submission

I'm completely new to writing and just had my first submission approved in (Erotic Couplings) at http://www.literotica.com/s/angel-29

I enjoyed writing this story and I'd appreciate any feedback and comments from those with more experience than me. I have another, much shorter, story waiting approval and I'm willing to learn to improve this craft from you veterans!


Last edited by theAmateur : 08-13-2014 at 08:49 AM.
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Old 08-13-2014, 08:45 AM   #2
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theAmateur View Post
I'm completely new to writing and just had my first submission approved at http://www.literotica.com/s/angel-29

I enjoyed writing this story and I'd appreciate any feedback and comments from those with more experience than me. I have another, much shorter, story waiting approval and I'm willing to learn to improve this craft from you veterans!

Congrats on your submission! You may want to mention the genre (Erotic Couplings) so prospective readers know what they're clicking on. Overall I thought it was pretty good, a few things to watch for:

Quote:
The image of her indescribably sexy profile had burned itself in my brain, the swell of her breasts, the flatness of her stomach, the curve of her bottom
Don't call it "indescribable" and then describe it in the same sentence, it sounds timid :-)

Quote:
"Were you unfaithful?" was barked across at me, accompanied by an hard expression, with narrowed eyes.
Odd use of passive for her speech. I would've just gone with '"Were you unfaithful?" she barked at me."

I felt things between them moved a bit too quickly, given what's just happened in her life. For me it would've worked better to let it develop over a few days before they ended up in bed together, maybe a bit more hesitation along the way. Somebody who's just experienced a major betrayal is likely to have trust issues to work through before they get into unprotected sex with a near-stranger. (Maybe if she was doing it to spite her ex, but you make it clear that she's not.)

Oh, and "Motörhead" has an umlaut ;-)
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Old 08-13-2014, 08:52 AM   #3
PennLady
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I thought your story was well-done, but perhaps a bit rushed. Ellie, while a likable character, seemed to ricochet around with her emotions and feelings. Nothing too unbelievable, but she just went pow-pow-pow from being upset at being dumped, to going to bed with Josh, to taking control at times wit the sex. I just think there needed to be a little more gradual change, I guess.

But like I said, good job.
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Old 08-13-2014, 09:13 AM   #4
theAmateur
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bramblethorn View Post
Congrats on your submission! You may want to mention the genre
Thanks I edited the original post to add the genre.

Quote:
Don't call it "indescribable" and then describe it in the same sentence, it sounds timid :-)
Yes, I see what you mean. I'll correct that in the original.


Quote:
Odd use of passive for her speech. I would've just gone with '"Were you unfaithful?" she barked at me."
Agreed, that does come across better. Again, corrected in the original.

Quote:
I felt things between them moved a bit too quickly, ...
That is true, in real life and, were I writing a full length story I would certainly have spent more time developing the relationship. However, in short stories there's much less opportunity to move things along more slowly. Maybe it would have been better to write it as a revenge tale, but that didn't seem to suit the characters I had in my mind either. Something to bear in mind with future stories, certainly.

Quote:
Oh, and "Motörhead" has an umlaut ;-)
Yes, I know that :-/
Again, corrected in the original.


Thanks for your comments, This is a learning process and I never expected to get it perfect on the first attempt!

Best Regards
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Old 08-13-2014, 09:17 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PennLady View Post
I thought your story was well-done, but perhaps a bit rushed. Ellie, while a likable character, seemed to ricochet around with her emotions and feelings. Nothing too unbelievable, but she just went pow-pow-pow from being upset at being dumped, to going to bed with Josh, to taking control at times wit the sex. I just think there needed to be a little more gradual change, I guess.

But like I said, good job.
Thanks for your comments and the vote of confidence!

As I just replied to Bramblethorn, I agree that in real life things would be very unlikely to proceed that fast. Maybe I need to consider rewriting it as a longer piece.


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Old 08-14-2014, 08:19 AM   #6
TheRedChamber
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Congratulations on your first story. I enjoyed it, especially as it was a lot more gentle and tender than the "average" Literotica story. I also liked the fact you took your time with the story telling.

I'm afraid I'd written a lot then my browser crashed and I don't have time to rewrite everything fully. Sorry if any of this comes across as too abrupt. Anyway some general comments.

Firstly I noticed you don't really describe places very much. Everything is a little generic, "the city station", a Starbucks etc. If you say "Victoria station" or "a Starbucks on Oxford Street, full of early morning shoppers", it gets a little more of a sense of place. I wasn't sure if the initial station was a bigger one in a large city (think Sheffield or Birmingham) or if it was a small town with just one platform. I think the way you interact with fellow travellers is a bit different in each.

Agree with Bramblethorn about it being a little too quick moving. You could have broken the first sex scene and the shower scene between two occasions. That would also have helped the story as the shower scenes comes across as being a little "then we had MORE sex" and not really advancing the plot much.

The initial description of Ellie is a little generic. I don't really get much concrete information except that she's blonde and in her twenties. Apart from the fact she's "perfect" and dresses sexy. I have difficulty visualizing her. For example there a section where you say

Quote:
She had brushed and tied back her hair and put on some powder and mascara. She held her head up high and was looking confident and beautiful once again. Not only beautiful, but desirable as well.
There's a lot of words that don't really say to much about what she actually looks like.

Anyway there's more I'd like to say about this, but I'm sadly out of time.
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Old 08-14-2014, 09:11 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRedChamber View Post
Congratulations on your first story. I enjoyed it, especially as it was a lot more gentle and tender than the "average" Literotica story. I also liked the fact you took your time with the story telling.
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

Quote:
I'm afraid I'd written a lot then my browser crashed and I don't have time to rewrite everything fully. Sorry if any of this comes across as too abrupt. Anyway some general comments.

Firstly I noticed you don't really describe places very much. Everything is a little generic, "the city station", a Starbucks etc. If you say "Victoria station" or "a Starbucks on Oxford Street, full of early morning shoppers", it gets a little more of a sense of place. I wasn't sure if the initial station was a bigger one in a large city (think Sheffield or Birmingham) or if it was a small town with just one platform. I think the way you interact with fellow travellers is a bit different in each.
Yes, I see what you mean. I'll try and improve on this in future.

Quote:
Agree with Bramblethorn about it being a little too quick moving. You could have broken the first sex scene and the shower scene between two occasions. That would also have helped the story as the shower scenes comes across as being a little "then we had MORE sex" and not really advancing the plot much.
I agree, it may have been better to spread it out, rather that do it all in one day. Would make it a little more beleivable, I think.

I think I may do a couple of other stories first, then come back and rework this one. I've got to like the characters! Maybe that's because I see more in them than I have described in this story.

Quote:
The initial description of Ellie is a little generic. I don't really get much concrete information except that she's blonde and in her twenties. Apart from the fact she's "perfect" and dresses sexy. I have difficulty visualizing her.
Yes, goes with the 'places' point.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your point of view.
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:51 AM   #8
theAmateur
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A second story...

Here is my second story. It's been put in Exhibitionist & Voyeur as it takes place in a public place even though there's no public display.

http://www.literotica.com/s/sandra-dee

It's very short and almost wrote itself. It uses a 'monologue' type of narration, no dialog, just the thoughts inside her head.

Your comments would be appreciated
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