I note you say it needs editing, if I were you I would re-write it. You have the idea for a story which in itself could be interesting, a guy watching a girl at a bus stop and fantasising about her.
I have a serious misgiving about the way the story is written, everything in it implies that the girl is too young. Just putting a line in so say she is 19 doesn't change the rest of the picture that you paint about her. Constantly referring to her as a "kid" doesn't help.
Also a lot of what you have written doesn't make any sense and too often you make a point and then try to answer it and it is just clumsy. Several times I had to re-read a paragraph only to still not be really sure what point you were trying to make.
For example, your first paragraph:
He saw her little bush for the umpteenth time. Roe always forced himself to focus on her bush, cause the fat pussy, sitting so moist and ready underneath, screamed that it was worth the risk of getting his black ass killed, just for a taste . . . a sniff. She was eating ice cream, something so usual in the summertime. But it was chocolate this time and the color made Roe feel more positive about his chances.
I misread it several times as "unusual in the summertime", and I was thinking why is it unusual to eat ice cream in summer. Because if it didn't say unusual there seems like no point even saying it. Why not just say she was eating an ice cream.
There is something very sexy about a woman in lipstick sucking on an ice lolly. So many possibilities for her to hold your gaze with her eyes as she slides the cold, hard lolly between her lips.
Having a woman eat an ice cream so badly that it runs down her face, stains her top and somehow manages to get all the way to her pussy (along with her lipstick?) just doesn't do it for me I'm afraid.
Maybe a good idea, but I would seriously consider having another go at writing it. Use the feedback you get here, I'm sure others will be along soon to give you some further advice. Also look into using an editor.
I am older than I once was,
And younger than I'll be,
But that's not unusual
Last edited by silversword : Yesterday at 12:34 PM.