On Writing: Passive v. Active voice

If you get enough feedback, there will be someone telling you not to use so much passive voice. Some of the first things editors pounce on is the use of passive voice. Passive voice is bad, they say. And, to a certain extent, they're right. Right? But not all the way.

What is passive voice? Passive voice is a sentence construction where the subect of the sentence receives the action and, if there is one, the object does the action. "The ball was thrown by Matt."

What is active voice? Active is the opposite, the subject does the action and the object receives it. "Matt threw the ball."

Strunk and White, that Bible of Writers, says, "The habitual use of active voice, however, makes for forcible writing." He just said use active voice, too.

So the question:

How do you know when it's appropriate to use passive voice?

Is this an example of a passive construct?

Her ass was slapped hard!

If so, then I think it's definitely a more forceful structure than phrasing it Someone slapped her ass hard

Carrie

active/passive is something i admit to having trouble with at times. i'll be keeping up with this thread, thanks KM.

I tend to just know these things. It feels right, so it's difficult to explain.

Passive is often very convoluted. It makes for confusing sentences and.. I dunno, it doesn't feel right. Doesn't it feel better to say: I slapped her arse, rather than Her arse was slapped?

Very helpful I know. No-one knows wtf they're doing!

Where's Werid Harold?

The Earl

champagne1982 said:

Is this an example of a passive construct?

Her ass was slapped hard!

If so, then I think it's definitely a more forceful structure than phrasing it Someone slapped her ass hard

Carrie

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Not necessarily. Let's look into context. Change someone to "he". Someone is indefinite and already comes predisposed as wishy-washy. "He slapped her ass hard" is a lot more foreceful than "Her ass was slapped hard". Someone's ass was slapped hard is a lot more wishy-washy than Her ass was slapped hard.

But let's look at the same sentence within context.

First, let's look at a paragraph from a story written in the slapper's context.

He rubbed the leather against her drenched lips, then dipped it inside. He fingered her clit and slowly fucked the tip of the belt into her cunt. She couldn't hold back the sexy little sounds she made, or stop herself from thrusting up against him. He brought her closer to orgasm, fascinated with the flush on her thighs and the temporary welts on her breasts. Her cries deepened, her hips lifting and staying up for long periods. She was close, very close. He pulled the belt out and slapped her pussy with his hand. It sucked at him wetly. He wanted to stick his cock in there and fuck himself into a stupor. Her ass was slapped hard. She jerked, almost cumming, but not quite reaching it.

or:

He rubbed the leather against her drenched lips, then dipped it inside. He fingered her clit and slowly fucked the tip of the belt into her cunt. She couldn't hold back the sexy little sounds she made, or stop herself from thrusting up against him. He brought her closer to orgasm, fascinated with the flush on her thighs and the temporary welts on her breasts. Her cries deepened, her hips lifting and staying up for long periods. She was close, very close. He pulled the belt out and slapped her pussy with his hand. It sucked at him wetly. He wanted to stick his cock in there and fuck himself into a stupor. He slapped her ass hard. She jerked, almost cumming, but not quite reaching it.

More forcible? Not in the least.

Let's change the context. Let's make it from the slappee's viewpoint.

His fingers worked their magic through the depths of my pussy and along the exposed flesh of my ass. I loved the feel of his fingertips tracing feathery patterns on the smooth skin of my rear. I don’t think anyone had ever stopped long enough just to touch my skin like he did. He slipped a finger back into my pussy, moving it in and out while twisting it. I closed my eyes and hoped he moved back to my clit. Instead, he pulled his finger out. He palmed a cheek, gently kneading it. Then smack.

My eyes flew open and my jaw dropped. He just, he didn’t, he– Smack! My ass was slapped hard. The first one didn’t hurt, the second one did. I wiggled, this time to get away, but the hand in the small of my back held me anchored on his lap.

or:

His fingers worked their magic through the depths of my pussy and along the exposed flesh of my ass. I loved the feel of his fingertips tracing feathery patterns on the smooth skin of my rear. I don’t think anyone had ever stopped long enough just to touch my skin like he did. He slipped a finger back into my pussy, moving it in and out while twisting it. I closed my eyes and hoped he moved back to my clit. Instead, he pulled his finger out. He palmed a cheek, gently kneading it. Then smack.

My eyes flew open and my jaw dropped. He just, he didn’t, he– Smack! He slapped my ass hard. The first one didn’t hurt, the second one did. I wiggled, this time to get away, but the hand in the small of my back held me anchored on his lap.

The only passive voice is the her ass was slapped line. I hadn't noticed that. I did use "be" in both examples, and those are inherently passive. I'll have to consider this a bit more.

I'll have to think on this more.

KM in that very first paragraph you wrote, the phrase 'Her ass was slapped hard' sticks out like a sore thumb to me.

It's awful. It jars the smoothness of reading.

The second paragraph with 'He slapped her ass hard' is so much more apt. It's like a perfect fit.

I feel exactly the same in the second set of examples.

I think it's the word 'was' that seems to flick into a different tense...?

I wish my passive voice problems were as obvious to fix as these examples.

I think passive voice can be used rationally and effectively to describe the "non-action" behind the scenes. Yes, I tend agree with dogmatic Strunk and White's assertion that too much active voice can force a story; it reads as if you're being pushed along. They imply a mix, a blend, with active voice predominating over passive. The scenes and storyline, alike, should seek out their own water levels, to balance the use of passive and active tones.

But it does seem to me there should be targeted areas of a story, especially when writing sex scenes that active verbs need to be used liberally in active voice.


They bounded to bed to cluster atop the covers, her ankles slung over her shoulders, his knees planted firmly against the lubed globes of her freshly spanked buttocks.

"Now, fuck my ass," Jill demanded softly, her eyes unblinking, staring deeply into his.

"Not so fast," Jack teased.

He rubbed the crown of his thick, leaking cock along her swollen slit, smearing sticky ooze from the tip of her clit to the valley of her taint. Instantly, Jill gasped, thrusting her pelvis into the air, inviting the sensual stroking to continue. She threw her head back into the pillow, thrashing it from side to side, groaning and pleading for more. Suddenly, she stopped to stare up at him with a furrowed brow.

"You bastard! Why do you torture me?"

"Because, bitch . . . you love it."

Without breaking her gaze, she slid one hand down her belly to spread the lips of her labia; two fingers from her other hand drew figure eights over and around her huge, wet clit. She knew the slick sounds and strumming view of her masturbating would force Jack into action, to take his cock, aim it for her winking anus, then plunge it forcefully to the hilt.

And sure enough, mesmerized by her moistened sex, his eyelids fluttering, he clasped the middle of his thick shaft and rammed it into her dark channel without pause. She barely gasped.

"Now, like I said before," she insisted, "fuck my ass."

i forgot what i was looking for...

My two cents, passive sentences are good for support of a general thought that has already been expressed.

"He slapped her ass hard. It was sore from the spanking."

The active voice sets the action of the story while the passive voice gives some added information.

By the way, this poor girl getting her ass slapped has been used as the example for a while. I hope we aren't abusing her too much. (See, a passive sentence and an active sentence).

I totally missed any passive voice in Manx's example. (That was an example, wasn't it? Or was it a sig line or what?)

Passive voice is great when you want something to sound like a police report. ("the perpetrator was apprehended...") or in scientific writing, where it's become the norm ("The crystals were collected, dried, and their structure determined by X-ray difraction... ") in order to imply objectivity. ("We collected the crystals." might be tolerated, but never ever "I collected the crystals.")

I'm like Earl in that I play it by ear. Thus "The knife was thrown by an unseen hand." is okay and better than "An unseen hand threw the knife". "The answer may never be known." is a bit chillier and more portenmtous than "We may never know the answer."

In fact, I do so much by ear alone now that I think maybe I'd better recuse myself from this entire discussion. I do things just because they sound right. In fact, I think single and plural pronouns and verb forms are about the only thing I might get analytical with. Punctuation, tense, all that stuff I do by ear.


---dr.M.

dr_mabeuse said:

I totally missed any passive voice in Manx's example. (That was an example, wasn't it? Or was it a sig line or what?)
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The point of my post was to emphasize the use of active voice in sex scenes.

I think the active voice is more construed for action. I know what you're thinking, where did I come up with that... but bear with me here, folks.

I do see the passive voice having a sense in all stories. Despite it's lack of action, there is a sense of alluring sentimentality in it. It makes things so much more complex and describable. If you put too much into the story it makes it look like you are trying to be a pompous windbag, but just enough adds true flavor and an air of sophistication to the story.

If everything is in the active voice, it will begin to sound like an instruction manual for a VCR. There will just be set after set of action. The passive voice allows for more subtlety and coercion.
I guess it depends on what you want to do. You want to write a raunchy sex story, then Active is the way to go, but if you want to seduce the audience a little bit, bring them into the sex as well, then some passive voice would be a definite plus. (IMHO, of course)

If you see writing in general as a toolbox, then the passive voice is just another part of that tool. A wrench that you use to help get the job done. Sure, you've got a set of wrenches already, but every now and then a crescent wrench does come in handy, especially when those damned metric bolts pop out of nowhere. (I think I went too far on the tool metaphor, but I hope you get my understanding)

I don't think there should be a debate on Active against Passive. Passive would probably just lay there while Active did all the work anyway. (anyone get that? it was pretty low humor, moving on) I think they are both useful and helpful to show the point you have to make. Sometimes you need to smack the ass, sometimes the ass needs smacking, and sometimes the smack needs to ass you. Wait... no.

Nevermind

When I'm writing, it's really hard for me to notice when I'm using passive voice. When I'm reading someone elses work, it sticks out so horribly though that I wonder how I could ever write like that! UGH!

In my story "summertime blues" I was using so much passive voice it was painful. Tatewaki helped me out in editing, finding the passive ickiness and changing it...I'm searching my brain for the advice he gave me...something along the lines of "Dont' tell me what it is...tell me what it's doing."

I can't think of any examples though cause I'm a dumbshit. I just wanted in on the conversation

A Burning Hatred for the Passive Voice

I have a burning, burning hatred for the passive voice, because I find VERY frequently that certain persons, either in government or journalism particularly, use it to avoid pronouncing fault.

After all, it sounds far 'softer' for a PBS [don't get me started on NPR... I was raised on Sesame Street, Square One, and Mr. Roger's Neighboorhood, but so long as NPR acts in the way it does, PBS won't get a red cent from me] reporter to say "Two Israelis were killed while traveling near Bethlehem" than to use the active construct, "Palestinian gunman killed two Israelis traveling near Bethlehem".

As another example, it is easy for a government spokesman to say "The federal deficit has increased over projections in the third and fourth quarters" than for him to say "Recent tax cuts have caused the federal deficit to increase over projections in the third and fourth quarters".

In other words, using the passive voice allows one to convey an act without mentioning the actor. Listen to PBS coverage of the Middle East, and count the passive voice sentences, then listen to the O'Reilly factor and count them, then compare. O'Reilly might be an insufferable loon, but at least, for all his arrogence and idiocy, he puts his money where his mouth is.

dr_mabeuse said:

("We collected the crystals." might be tolerated, but never ever "I collected the crystals.")
---dr.M.

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I believe that the third person is used in such reports. "The researchers collected the crystals, refined them, and focused the death laser through them"

Damn, I like that sentence :-D

The passive is a transformation with two effects: to bring the object into focus by promoting it to subject, and to make the agent optional.

Both are legitimate. It is overused by bureaucracy, and used to be overused by science, but strictures against these shouldn't apply to its use in fiction. I can't say I've ever encountered an overuse of the passive in fiction. I think the attention paid to it is just an irrelevant memory of the witch-hunt against bureaucratese.

Looking through a story of my own, I'm suprised how few examples there are:

The card was laid down on the shelf behind her - She lays it down, but the focus is on the card; its last known location is going to become relevant later.

She was unimpressed. - Focusing on her reactions, not on the already described things that failed to impress her.

The glass-doored lobby was lined with big, glossy, impressive landscapes on one side - I'm describing the lobby; the fact that landscapes line it one side is only a detail, not the focus of my attention.

It's used in news because that's usually about bad news, and we focus on victims. If three Palestinian children are killed by Israeli rockets, they're the focus of attention. As a headline, the agent can be omitted, because the victims are the subject.

In science, the all-passive style is on its way out. Looking through a selection of abstracts, I find some of them are of this style:

Composite materials were prepared by ... The defect structure for ... and the effect of ... are presented. The mass transport properties ... were investigated by ... The chemical diffusion coefficient for the composites was calculated using ... The effect of ... is discussed systematically.

But many are of this form:

We present scanning tunneling microscopy observations ... [F]lat-topped monolayer islands ... then grow in size attaining edge lengths that are quantized ... A 2 X 2 reconstruction with large corrugation occurs on ... and is believed to be ... They coexist with ... From the areal density of islands we estimate. ... General aspects of the nucleation, growth, and coarsening in this reactive, epitaxial system are discussed.

If someone has a weak writing style in fiction, it's very unlikely to be in the use of one particular tool of syntax. It's much more likely that they're having compositional problems with focus, attention, detail, and variety.

Rainbow Skin, thank you for that post. I can't imagine a better defense (or explanation) of passive voice. And I'm not just saying that because I've been drinking. (*Hiccup*)

I looked over one of my stories, and I was surprised, as well, to find so few examples.

The seat directly across from mine was occupied by an older gentleman whose light snores were perfectly synchronized with the sounds of the train itself.

The older gentleman occupied the seat, but since this was his only appearance in the story, he had no business as the subject of the sentence. He didn't even warrant another sentence in the same paragraph. Stupid minor character. (*Hiccup*) I hate his stupid guts. And so, naturally, I demoted him to the predicate. Besides, the modifying clause (matching his snores to the train sounds) needed to close the sentence for reasons of balance, justice and basic goodness.

Her hand... I was fascinated with her hand. It had a rhythm and a beauty all its own, slow and dreamy and darkly wonderful, like a nocturne in some wistful but agitated minor key.

You could make a case for Her hand... Her hand fascinated me. It had... But I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. It's wrong. Repetition of her hand at the start of two consecutive sentences isn't bad by itself, but I was feeling left out of that paragraph and I wanted to reinsinuate myself as the subject. Besides, I like the flow of the last two sentences, as the pronoun to start the final sentence immediately follows its antecedent ending the previous one. You can really wrap your mind around that, you can relax and ease into the pronoun use. I see it as a cadence within the paragraph, four beats: A - B - a - A. (Or maybe A - B - A - a. I'm not sure.)

Of course, I'm rationalizing after the fact. Those two cases exist because it sounded appropriate when I was writing the story. I didn't make a conscious decision to use passive voice, because I don't normally think about the voice -- I just think about balance.

(*Hiccup*)

Can I make a distinction? Hell, can I post? I'm not sure if you let random people just wander in and discuss; if not, just delete me and pretend I was never here.

There's a difference between passive voice and description.

This struck me particularly in Vincent E's example:
> "He slapped her ass hard. It was sore from the spanking."

The first sentence centers around an action--specifically a male getting medieval on someone's ass. In other words, it explains something that happens. It is active; the obvious passive construction would be something like "Her ass was slapped by him," but it need not be that awkward. "She felt her ass slapped" is probably more likely to come up.

The second sentence is a description. It is not a statement of action, but rather an explanation of the state of an object. Specifically, the word "was" is not followed by a verb. It is technically a passive sentence, since the [Noun] in charge of the [Verb] is not mentioned first--or at ALL, for that matter--but "Was [whatevered]" only draws attention when there's a verb in the [whatever] position, and there isn't one here, so I think we can let it go.

This is not to say it's okay to run around shouting, "The game was won by them!" EEEEW. But I think it's important that we make a distinction between sentences that act and sentences that describe. It's okay to make the latter passive--and sometimes damaging to make it active. The same can't be said of the former.