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Old 05-03-2016, 12:41 AM   #1
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First attempt at submission

Hi Guys. First so nice to have found you all. I have kinda known for a long time that I'm submissive and have recently been lucky enough to have found a relationship that is willing to role play with me. My problem is that I'm confused in so many ways that I think I confuse him. I have never had anyone willing to role play with me before so it's all brand new. Learning what I like or don't like as I go. I feel desire to be tied up and then feel guilt for wanting that! Is that normal for some of you? I got my first real spanking yet felt guilty because he was only role playing and did not have the need to want to deliver it. Then was not sure I liked the pain but realized it did turn me on because after the pain would stop I desired it to start again. I'm confused. I think I'm ashamed and even fearful others would know this about me. Also he is really good with fantasy text and brought fantasy that I did not know I would be interested in and now feel a strong guilt for wanting because I'm not sure if he really wanted me to want it and it haunts me....continually thinking of this fantasy. I'm not sure if I'm turned on wanted to make him happy or if it's what I want. I have a tendency to mold into what my mate wants. Is this normal submissive behavior? Or something else?
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Old 05-03-2016, 01:29 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by NewSubQuestions View Post
Hi Guys. First so nice to have found you all. I have kinda known for a long time that I'm submissive and have recently been lucky enough to have found a relationship that is willing to role play with me. My problem is that I'm confused in so many ways that I think I confuse him. I have never had anyone willing to role play with me before so it's all brand new. Learning what I like or don't like as I go. I feel desire to be tied up and then feel guilt for wanting that! Is that normal for some of you? I got my first real spanking yet felt guilty because he was only role playing and did not have the need to want to deliver it. Then was not sure I liked the pain but realized it did turn me on because after the pain would stop I desired it to start again. I'm confused. I think I'm ashamed and even fearful others would know this about me. Also he is really good with fantasy text and brought fantasy that I did not know I would be interested in and now feel a strong guilt for wanting because I'm not sure if he really wanted me to want it and it haunts me....continually thinking of this fantasy. I'm not sure if I'm turned on wanted to make him happy or if it's what I want. I have a tendency to mold into what my mate wants. Is this normal submissive behavior? Or something else?

IMO, for whatever it's worth, if he has the desire to thrill you, that's all that really matters. If you are a little masochistic, it does not matter if he is not necessarily sadistic. He doesn't need to enjoy inflicting pain in order to enjoy turning you on doing something you like, whether it be spanking or bondage, or whatever. Let go of the guilt and enjoy discovering what makes you both happy. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Talk about your feelings with him. Maybe he can help you work through them. I believe a good Dom gently pushes limits over time, which can be so very liberating for the sub, releasing pent up desires that for whatever reason have until that time been suppressed. I think that may be what you are considering to be "molding into what your mate wants." Maybe it's not so much molding into what he wants as it is molding into what you are meant to be, with help from him.
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Old 05-03-2016, 01:44 AM   #3
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Thank you so much for the reply. I agree with you that I should perhaps feel less guilty and enjoy the moment more but for whatever reason have a difficult time letting go of feeling selfish. I tend to focus on the thought that he is doing it for me and then feel it's unfair to him. Also I feel like he uses my submission to get what he wants or to try to get what he wants (example ....wants a 3-sum with another girl). I'm unwilling to do this. My point is sometimes I feel he is playing the part to then in return try to use that power to get me to do something I don't really want to do. I guess at times I'm not that submissive. Also confusing to me because I think a "real" submissive is suppose to want to do whatever makes her Dominate happy? And I have conflicting feelings because I don't want to be who I'm not. Sorry so much I want to say but having a difficult time posting for all to judge lol Thank you Again! - not easy to have this conversation at work with coworkers lol
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Old 05-03-2016, 01:59 AM   #4
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Thank you so much for the reply. I agree with you that I should perhaps feel less guilty and enjoy the moment more but for whatever reason have a difficult time letting go of feeling selfish. I tend to focus on the thought that he is doing it for me and then feel it's unfair to him. Also I feel like he uses my submission to get what he wants or to try to get what he wants (example ....wants a 3-sum with another girl). I'm unwilling to do this. My point is sometimes I feel he is playing the part to then in return try to use that power to get me to do something I don't really want to do. I guess at times I'm not that submissive. Also confusing to me because I think a "real" submissive is suppose to want to do whatever makes her Dominate happy? And I have conflicting feelings because I don't want to be who I'm not. Sorry so much I want to say but having a difficult time posting for all to judge lol Thank you Again! - not easy to have this conversation at work with coworkers lol
do NOT let anyone tell you what a REAL sub is SUPPOSED to be or not be. There is no such thing as a one size fits all or a definition that fits all. YOU get to define YOU. If you are not interested in a 3-some - then DO NOT allow yourself to get talked into a 3 some. This is either a hard limit or a soft limit for you. It may be a hard limit for you for the moment and you may possibly be willing to reconsider it at some time in the future - MAYBE. But let your own feelings be your guide. There are some good BDSM checklists on line that you might want to look into to use as a starting point for what you do and do not what to explore.
as the previous poster said - communicate communicate communicate.
there is a lot of good information in the BDSM library here. Read that. And read through the threads here. You are not the first one to go through this. And feeling weird about what you want is not at all uncommon. Lots of people experience this as they are learning about their kinky selves. Try to just let yourself be you. Try not to judge what turns you on. If it does = it does. Revel in it. Play with it. Enjoy it.
Good luck.

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Old 05-03-2016, 02:30 AM   #5
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I'm gonna leave this good post by Stella Omega out here for you to read. It may or may not ring some bells for you.

If you're really not comfortable doing something now, don't let someone talk you into doing it, unless being talked into doing things that are uncomfortable to do is your kink. Just keep in mind that your limits, likes and preferences may change over time and that's perfectly normal, even if they change because of your partner's preferences.

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Old 05-03-2016, 08:29 AM   #6
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If you're only just getting into this as a complete rookie with 0 mileage things to remember are these:

*If you own a book or CD of 50 Shades of Grey, destroy it immediately.

*It's not uncommon for new people to feel strange about it. I heard somewhere once that the average age people are for when they come to proper understanding about their sexuality is 27, and with the sporadic demonization and rampant misunderstandings of BDSM in the public sphere it's not at all surprising you've got some negative feelings about it. But there's nothing to feel guilty about, you like what you like and screw anyone who thinks that's a bad thing.

*There's no such thing as "normal" submissive behaviour. I could go on a long and winding rant about that but instead I recommend reading this; http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1293792 and as many comments as you care to. It all pretty well summarizes the problems using absolutes in subjective contexts.

*You're not ever required to relinquish your autonomy or right to protest against something you're uncomfortable with. In fact you're not required to do anything.

*You say "role play", you and your partner should probably aim to be as casual and real about it as possible. I'm not trying to damn roleplaying (I love it) nor saying "ROLEPLAY IS FOR HEATHENS", just that being so new to it you should keep it real enough to avoid confusion or unnecessary/dangerous exaggeration to whatever you're doing.

*And if you do nothing else, talk to your partner. get his perspective on it, what he's getting out of it, whether he's even comfortable with it in the first place. Etc. Acting as a dom might be just a chore for him and it doesn't sound like there's been much dialogue in the way of your individual interests. Talking and working out mutual benefits = happy and healthy relationship.
This goes hand in hand with the; "a tendency to mold into what my mate wants.", you could say that is the basic foundation of D/s. Unless you mean your entire personality is adaptable depending on the person you're with, which sounds quite unhealthy to me. It's obviously ok to a degree but if you're doing it so much that you're not really applying any of your own standards or wants when selecting partners then you might actually be getting involved with somebody fundamentally incompatible with yourself.
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Old 05-03-2016, 09:22 AM   #7
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Hi again guys and thank you so much for all the advice. In defense of of my partner I'm not entirely sure that he is acting selfishly in trying to use my submission to get what he wants. Thats perhaps the confusing part to both me and him. I think someone said the 3-some would be a hard limit and if I am understanding it I would agree to that but with some interest. I think my partner knows that I have some girl interest but I have also made known that I don't have interest in sharing him. I'm not sure if anyone will understand that. I'm sure most men would want to try to bend that into what they wanted. and I guess when he does that it makes me sometimes want to please him and other times it angers me that he is pushy in what I don't want. I may not have given a good understanding of myself. I'm not usually someone to do anything I don't want to do. I have been open with my partner. and we do talk about this more then you might think. Its just that I use the word role play because for me this was a huge interest and for him not something he was interested in before me however he does say that it is now an interest to him. and lastly I think most of you will hate me for saying I do have all 50 shades books and the movie. I have done some ....ok a lot of research on this topic. I completly understand that there is no such thing as a real "Sub" or a real "Dom" I understand that I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do and that actually sometime the sub is the one in control setting his or hers limits. Its just he is new and I am new and we have played enough that I know I like it just i fear its more a take thing of me and not sure if he is getting what he needs from it or if I am willing to give him what he wants (3-some) anyhow I tend to hide my sexuality and he brings it out into the open. A rather scary thing for me. I wanted to set a real safe word which we have not played enough to need one but I feel it would make me feel more safe in that I could just say ok nope enough or the fact that he does push the 3-some knowing its more a fantsy fun thing then something I want in reality. Also I'm not completely sure of what I want because I have not tried any of these things other then a nice bused up bottom and a very lose tie up that i longed for it to be tighter. Anyhow i'm so glad I found you all and now I actually have someone to talk to about this stuff lol funny what a relieve that is to me
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Old 05-03-2016, 10:12 AM   #8
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If you have a tendency to cave to things you'll regret later, you need a partner who will take the reigns and not initiate things you've set down as a no before, even if you ask for it in the moment. This is something you should talk with him about. Make sure you can trust him to make decisions that are best, and give him a little bit of actual authority if you can trust him with that.

Also, you need to learn to trust that he will tell you if he's not interested in something, or finds it a chore. He may very well choose to do things just for you, but some people find doing those kinds of things to be fulfilling.
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Old 05-03-2016, 10:28 AM   #9
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This is a great thread. Welcome to Lit, NSQ. I hope it helps you as much as it has me.

I'm new to D/s, DD/lg as well. And much of what you say rings bells with where I was at the very beginning. All the info given so far is fantastic, and hopefully will help you a lot.

For me personally, I now understand that when those doubts and questions come in, I need to re-establish trust with my Daddy. I need to tell him exactly what I'm feeling, and re connect on that deeper level. This serves two purposes: The first is the most obvious; I need his reassurance that he has MY best interest at heart. Everything falls into place when I believe this. And second: HE needs the opportunity to take care of me. This is the whole dynamic. Sex is secondary, of primary importance, but it's the product of the relationship you build. Your Dom needs you to need him. To look to him for answers, for comfort, and for satisfaction. He's likely not molding you for the sake of changing you; he's simply doing what a Dom does, taking care of his little girl, showing her things she hasn't considered yet.

And it's your responsibility, as others have said, to communicate openly about what you want and need, and what is and isn't ok. If he's a good Dom, and good for you, he will hear you. There is no one size fits all. Follow your instincts.

It's a scary thing. But once it starts working, wow.

Good luck, sweetie.
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Old 05-03-2016, 10:38 AM   #10
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NewSub,

Don't let him take you where you don't want to go. However, when he meets your need: encourage him, lavish him with praise, beg for more, make suggestions how he might make the experience better for both of you.

Ask him to make the knots tighter..... use a gag......sexually tease you but not allow you to cum until you beg him for it.........become more physical, if that is what you desire.

But don't let him take you, where you don't want to go.
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Old 05-03-2016, 11:20 AM   #11
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.... Thats perhaps the confusing part to both me and him. I ...... I'm not sure if anyone will understand that. ....... sometimes want to please him and other times it angers me that he is pushy in what I don't want. I may not have given a good understanding of myself. I'm not usually someone to do anything I don't want to do. ....... lastly I think most of you will hate me for saying ......t I know I like it just i fear its more a take thing of me and not sure if he is getting what he needs from it or if I am willing to give him what he wants..... (.......I feel it would make me feel more safe in that I could just say ok nope enough ...... ........Also I'm not completely sure of what I want because I have not tried any of these things other then a nice bused up bottom and a very lose tie up that i longed for it to be tighter. Anyhow i'm so glad I found you all and now I actually have someone to talk to about this stuff lol funny what a relieve that is to me

I just picked out some things that resonate with me. You are on a journey of SELF discovery, not just relationship discovery. Respect yourself, continue to learn yourself.....and to accept that some of it will remain confusing.

We also have to respect our partners and trust them, There will be things we give to please, that they give to please, that we cannot give, that they cannot...depending on our relationship dynamics. And that's ok, some might change, and that's ok too, some might not, and that does not make us 'lesser' people, even with in the realm of BDSM. There may be a great judge of BDSM that the more experienced know about, who deems if we are worthy or not . But even if there is.....it won't make my relationship, sex or relationship with myself better if I were to pass of fail some evaluation of this judgment . I think it's most important YOU and your partner are within parameters you feel ..just safe enough, or however your comfort needs it. Safe words are for many, a very important part of that, even if for part of the ritualistic nature of BDSM play, but not insignificantly for safety but also maybe as a relationship communication tool.


Welcome.
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Old 05-03-2016, 11:54 AM   #12
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You've already received a lot of good advice.. I'll try to add a few thoughts..

First, I think communication is the most important thing. Instead of worrying and wondering about his motivations and reactions to D/s play, ask him. Talk frankly and openly about it.

Second, I think it can be tough when you are both new to this, versus having an experienced Dom to help you along. You may be in for more fumbling around, hit and miss, you'll learn as you go. That's OK! But it does require that you be okay with everything not being porno-perfect, with those awkward moments, with the times when something just fails altogether. You need to be confident enough to laugh and get over it, kiss your partner and try again another time. You're both exploring, take it easy, listen to your gut and your partner's cues.

The guilt. PLEASE try and overcome this. No one can tell you how to do that, you have to decide for yourself to embrace who you are, every last dark corner. But, my God, it will save your sex life and your sanity if you do. I was raised ultra-conservative.. I first started exploring my BDSM desires fairly young, but I didn't understand that that's what I was doing. I got my nipples pierced at 15 because the idea of the pain excited me. I then let them close up and re-pierced them 2 more times (at 18 and 19) because I got such a rush from that feeling. When I stumbled across a Dominant partner at 18, I refused to admit that what we were doing was BDSM. I told my friends "we're just kinky," or "I just like it a little rough." They were worried about me and my one friend took me aside very sincerely and said: "Honey, you let him tie you to a frame in the air and torture you with sex toys. I'm pretty sure that's S&M." Retrospectively I have to laugh out loud when I remember how in denial I was. I downright refused to admit that I was "like that." And I struggled with guilt after scenes with him, wondering what the hell was wrong with me, then retreating to the safety of denial land.

It took a few years and PLENTY of sexual exploration and self-expression but somewhere along the way I lost the guilt, decided that I don't really care why I am the way I am. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not doing anything illegal.. And this makes me feel incredible and makes my partner feel incredible. So who the fuck cares?

Good luck OP.
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Old 05-03-2016, 12:01 PM   #13
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PS: Please don't base your idea of BDSM on 50 shades.. worst fucking book, seriously! Perfect example of a dysfunctional, ABUSIVE D/s relationship. And as others have already said, there is no such thing as a checklist of how a "real" sub behaves. There are sooooooo many different kinds of subs out there. You don't need to fit yourself in a fantasy box of who you think you should be, ESPECIALLY not based on a terrible book/movie. And most importantly, being a sub does NOT mean losing your voice. You have a voice. Use it when you need it. It can be thrilling to surrender your power to someone you trust during play, but always know that if something is not right, you speak the fuck up. And IMO a good Dom is always checking your nonverbal cues, making sure you are safe, recognizing that it can, at times, in certain scenes, be harder to communicate if a limit is being pressed too far.
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Old 05-03-2016, 04:52 PM   #14
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I will also add, don't be ashamed if you like books that are terrible examples of healthy ways to do this. I got a degree in history, yet I still love Braveheart. It is NOT very historically accurate. I love watching it though. Just remember it's fantasy.
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Old 05-03-2016, 11:09 PM   #15
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I'm so sorry but I just posted a very long reply and it somehow got deleted
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Old 05-03-2016, 11:17 PM   #16
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so sorry will repost tomorrow can't find my post anywhere and frustrated I lost it thank you all for everything you said! I love all the advice and protective behavior
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Old 05-04-2016, 10:14 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cascadiabound View Post
do NOT let anyone tell you what a REAL sub is SUPPOSED to be or not be. There is no such thing as a one size fits all or a definition that fits all. YOU get to define YOU. If you are not interested in a 3-some - then DO NOT allow yourself to get talked into a 3 some. This is either a hard limit or a soft limit for you. It may be a hard limit for you for the moment and you may possibly be willing to reconsider it at some time in the future - MAYBE. But let your own feelings be your guide. There are some good BDSM checklists on line that you might want to look into to use as a starting point for what you do and do not what to explore.
as the previous poster said - communicate communicate communicate.
there is a lot of good information in the BDSM library here. Read that. And read through the threads here. You are not the first one to go through this. And feeling weird about what you want is not at all uncommon. Lots of people experience this as they are learning about their kinky selves. Try to just let yourself be you. Try not to judge what turns you on. If it does = it does. Revel in it. Play with it. Enjoy it.
Good luck.

cb.
Thank you for this. I know it was meant for the OP but it struck a cord with me too. You give great advice. Thank you.
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Old 05-04-2016, 10:54 AM   #18
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Welcome to LIt

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so sorry will repost tomorrow can't find my post anywhere and frustrated I lost it thank you all for everything you said! I love all the advice and protective behavior
NewSub, When writing lengthy replies you need to makes sure you stay signed in. Check the box when you first come on to Lit. Then in the Upper Right before you leave you can log out.

That way you wont be timed out,your long post, you have just spent time thinking about and typing wont dissapear. You wont become frustrated. I hope this helps you.
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Old 05-05-2016, 03:10 PM   #19
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Just to pick up on one small aspect of your comments. It may be that he does certain things more for you than for himself. With or without the D's dynamic, open yourself to the possibility that doing so gives him pleasure. Being in control doesn't necessarily mean he wants or needs to use it solely for selfish purposes. And even when he is only seeking his own pleasure it may be that it is in seeing your pleasure.

For me being submissive is about giving myself up completely without second guessing why she gives this order or that order. If it is for her pleasure then I apply myself to it and if it is for my pleasure I yield to it and let it flow through me. Pretty soon the two are indistinguishable.
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Old 05-05-2016, 06:36 PM   #20
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Thank you for this. I know it was meant for the OP but it struck a cord with me too. You give great advice. Thank you.
You are welcome Sweet emmy
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Old 05-05-2016, 09:56 PM   #21
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well the last couple of days have been crazy busy and I have thought of this forum many times and could not wait to write to you guys. First I am happy to report that with some soul searching and sort of a new perspective on the D/s relationship I talked to my partner about the 3-sum thing again and told him that I have been doing some research and that I'm calling it a hard limit. I told him I was comfortable with this in fantasy but that right now its not anything I wanted and if he felt he needed that from someone that he might want to reevalute our relationship. I explained that I might have confused him with my confusion in wanting to be what he wants me to be and also my other mixed feeling but that really I'm saying no and hard limit. I want to say I gained courage from within lol but you guys helped me realize that your right there are no "real" subs and real "Dom and I don't have to do things that are uncomfortable or worry that it will ever become that. He did try to tell me that it was his job to "bringing me to the edge of my limits" and "helping me to know what I really wan't" and while that was causing me confustion before i'm starting to feel like he just might me using "my thing" to get "his thing" again. so I'm left wondering his motives again and mistrusting lol---posting so i don't lose another post and will post more
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Old 05-05-2016, 10:21 PM   #22
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you guys posted so many wonderful things... there is so much to say. I know not all D/s are broken people and perhaps thats partly why the 50 shades books are hated but well I do think of myself as just a little broken. I have trust issues and oddly enough I think its what draws me to the D/s relationship. I want to trust someone worthy of my trust like I have never been able to trust before. Something about the vulability and then knowing they would never do anything to harm you emotionally or physically. That would be something for me. I know I'm not there with my man yet. I also know that I still have hope that he might be that man. The bondage thing is of great interest to me but only with absolute trust in mind and ok lots of other stuff you guys call kink. I still feel for me it boils down to wanting the trust. One of you said self discovery! and thank you for that. I do seem to be learning as I go. The flogger is sort of fun. The belt I'm not entirly sure that for me. It's confusing. Its being turned on by the idea and then the one time I felt a "real" belt I thought ok this is not fun. then it would end and I was turned on and wanted more. Extremely confusing. And the one time i did experience bondage it was just left on lose. I told him i can easily take this off you know and he said "I know". So of course I kept it on - and I was sure I wanted it tighter. I started asking myself why? Self discovery. And I guess I think of my childhood and knowing why I am broken but then trying to figure out why I wanted to be dominated because of it or if that is even the reason at all. and still feeling guilty and still feeling like I'm a misfit. I'm learning. I'll get there and if nothing else I have some amazing new people to talk to Thank you!!
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Old 05-05-2016, 10:48 PM   #23
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Thank you again for all the advice

Last edited by NewSubQuestions : 05-12-2016 at 09:55 PM.
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Old 05-05-2016, 10:52 PM   #24
SpunThings
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Brene Brown has described trust in a really cool way. Think of a jar of marbles. Building trust is like filling a jar one marble at a time. The thing is, all it takes is one act to tip the jar and empty it of all its marbles. D/s or no D/s, it's going to take the same amount of time to build that kind of trust. There is no shortcut.

We've all got issues. We're all broken in a way, if you want to word it that way.

Enjoy the journey. That's the fun stuff for me.

Oh, and not everyone is in this to test their limits. He is in it to test your limits. Are you in this to have your limits tested? This is another compatibility thing, and you don't have to tell me. Answer for yourself.
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Old 05-05-2016, 11:17 PM   #25
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Thank you for all the advice everyone. I hope I have not offended anyone. This is a learning experience and I extremely greatfull for the advice given. This world is absolutely intoxicating however my boyfriend has request I don't speak about our relationship in these forums. Together l'm site we will figure this out and I'll keep reading and learning. Thank you all for your time and energy ❤️ NewSub

Last edited by NewSubQuestions : 05-11-2016 at 11:08 PM.
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