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Old 12-11-2014, 12:35 PM   #1
MeekMe
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What's Your Relationship?

Or lack-there-of?

We have threads for submissives and dominants, and I think we need something broader. We all know there isn't a "one twue way." This thread is inclusive, so I want to hear about what you identify as and how it works for you. Or even how you don't use labels.

If you have a relationship, how does it work? Do you like it the way it is? Do you want it to change? If you aren't in a relationship, what kind do you want or see yourself having?

I wanted to start this thread, because many of us don't fall under just being submissive or dominant. We all have unique situations and I was hoping we could discuss the different ways for how we do things (or don't do things). ^_^ Let's keep it civil! I don't want to see anyone label bashing or commenting on whether another is "twue" or not.
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Old 12-11-2014, 12:37 PM   #2
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I'll go first! I identify as submissive, but it's pretty limited and almost to the point of just being a bottom. Though, I typically put his needs before mine and love when he has something he'd like me to do. I typically look to my husband to lead in many situations outside of the home. We don't follow any kind of strict protocol or rules and typically just let things flow naturally. I work hard to make sure he's comfortable and take care of things the way he likes. He doesn't order me around or demand I do these things, I just do it because I want to. Lately I've noticed he has a sadistic streak. Our relationship is still evolving (I think it always will) so labels are hard to use and hold onto.

I have a dominant side when it comes to the home. I manage money, my business start up, and food. I beat that raw food into submission like the delicious meal it's supposed to be! Also, our sense of humor makes it hard to be completely serious and often results in comical moments in our exploration of rope bondage. I like my relationship and realize that while I don't want it to 'change' I do want to let it grow. If that makes sense. ^_^;;
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Old 12-11-2014, 12:44 PM   #3
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Boiled down to it's core, I am an enabler. Not in the negative sociological context, but more in the "giver of permission" role to my better half's "good girl's don't" role. Sometimes I'm "master", sometimes " sir", at others just the nameless captor forcing her to submitted. Sometimes she's "slut", others " girl", others given no name, no perceivable consideration. We are whatever the other needs us to be in the moment. She has desires she can't speak, I allow her to wallow in them from time to time. I have kinks and fetishes, she indulges me with the use of her half of our body.
Edited, because my tiny keyboard is the root of evil...
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Old 12-11-2014, 01:17 PM   #4
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Mistress refers to me as "her pet muse" but I would say I'm just the hot friend most of the time. She has me assist her with her scenes, entertain her guests, and be pretty arm candy at events sometimes, but we spend more time just hang out sipping tea and bouncing around wild ideas. "Happy chatty girlfriends who make out" is our default setting. We respect and adore each other. We both know who is in charge-- it isn't me! The only labels we have are the ones she imposes, and those are usually limited to scenes.
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Old 12-11-2014, 01:22 PM   #5
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We is.... either P/p, O/o, or B/l. Person/pet, owner/owned, big/little. :B

I am the occasionally feisty and ornery sidekick thing that has a tendency to flail about aimlessly, and he's the one that likes to poke and prod and push me around. Sometimes I will be pampered and coddled like there's no tomorrow, and sometimes he'll just be in the mood to put some metaphorical tape on my metaphorical head and laugh about it.

We're sort of a cute n cuddly sadist/masochist couple? With the few odd features of M/s? Except that I'm allowed to get pushy sometimes??

It's weird. We're weird.
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Old 12-11-2014, 02:52 PM   #6
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My husband and I are a very happily married vanilla-ish couple who like to role-play occasionally but mostly we have very satisfying sex when we can manage scheduling it in.

My dominant considers me his owned submissive. I adore that sweet surrender of mental submission that is accompanied by his love and adoration. I can also be a pain slut when I am in that state of mind.

I have also topped women but more in a playful manner than to cause real pain and there is no expectation of submission.

Topping men brings out a sadistic part of me that can get my hot but I get way too cruel and I don't like the person I become. Topping men is not a sexual thing for me. It is ...something that feels too dark.

I am bi, I love, love, love group sex--Mff, fMf, MfM, or a few more m's and f's thrown in. But I don't like gangbang types of group sex.
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Old 12-11-2014, 03:24 PM   #7
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Looks like we're a very diverse crowd. ^_^ Just as I suspected!
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Old 12-11-2014, 04:20 PM   #8
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I am a sadist/dominant without portfolio at the moment.
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Old 12-11-2014, 04:49 PM   #9
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I'm submissive with painslut/slave tendencies. Master (husband) is pure Dominant. I think we think of ourselves as M/s, doing things in our own way. Many would probably question our degree of M/s but we're trying to make it work in a real world context surrounded by semi-adult children, health issues and other minor distractions. 24/7 would be wonderful, but not entirely practicable at the moment.

Kind of very looking forward to Empty Nesting. I love my kids, but it really IS time for them to have their own lives so we can get on with ours, yanno?
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Old 12-11-2014, 04:58 PM   #10
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I'm single by choice, and it is glorious.

I don't really want a relationship. (Or multiple ones, even, given my disdain for monogamy.)

Over the past couple of years, I've been moving toward the idea that I am, in fact, aromantic. I'm about 99.5% certain of it now. I babbled about it some in Stella's Queerness thread a while back, so I won't bore y'all with details again.

So, yeah, I'm aromantic but not asexual. When I wanna play, I do. (And my new-ish thing for pretty men is starting to border on ridiculous in the absolute best way possible. There's something about licking tears off the cheeks of a man who has the face of angel....)

*Ahem* Anyway....

I still retain all my sadomasochistic tendencies and have developed new ones to go along with them. I just no longer have any patience for BDSM, the Monolith. (I know y'all know what I'm talking about. I just lack the words to explain it at the moment.) There's just too much baggage and bullshit, and I have neither the time nor the inclination. That's one reason I don't go to places like FetLife anymore.

I also don't have the patience for labels or scenes or D/s or bondage or spankings or anything that has that creepy, clinically-detached feel to it. When I bother, I want it hard and intimate and brutal and visceral. It's more incredibly rough sex at this point than anything--though I suspect my definition of "rough sex" is considerably more fucked up than the common usage of the term.

I mean, that's not all I do, obviously, but that's as close as you're going to find me getting to kink nowadays.

Er...I just realized that some of this may sound insulting. I SWEAR, I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY. If you're into all this stuff that I'm not into, I'm super-happy for you, and I'm not looking down on you at all. It's just not for me, and it took a trip down one very long-ass road for me to figure it out.

I love you all, I swear!

ETA: I'm also sorry for how absurdly long this got.
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Old 12-11-2014, 05:06 PM   #11
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Bunny! !
Have a carrot!

I know exactly what you mean about the monolith. To me it's the effort of self proclaimed experts to define the intangible and thereby secure their place atop some hierarchy that exists only in their minds. I saw it first here, assumed it was an anonimity of the internet thing. But the more I looked at it, I saw it in my own introduction to BDSM; mentored by a group built around a "cult of personality" and holding to essentiasl tenents that no one empowered us to declare universally true. Just look at the diversity in this limited sample, BDSM is what the individuals need it to be.
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Old 12-11-2014, 05:33 PM   #12
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I think your post was just fine BiBunny.

I hope my OP was clear in that I wanted to hear about all of it. Don't do relationships? Awesome! Need a relationship with 12 people? Sweet! I'm happy to hear about it.

I suppose part of this was also looking at labels and how we use them for ourselves, or not. Labels certainly make writing a description easier, but there's often so much more behind it that isn't said. And if labels don't work at all, screw it.
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Old 12-11-2014, 05:38 PM   #13
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Ack! Lest there be confusion, I was agreeing fully with you, Bunny.
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Old 12-11-2014, 06:06 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Industrial_Bondage View Post
Bunny! !
Have a carrot!
NOM NOM NOM NOM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Industrial_Bondage View Post
I know exactly what you mean about the monolith. To me it's the effort of self proclaimed experts to define the intangible and thereby secure their place atop some hierarchy that exists only in their minds. I saw it first here, assumed it was an anonimity of the internet thing. But the more I looked at it, I saw it in my own introduction to BDSM; mentored by a group built around a "cult of personality" and holding to essentiasl tenents that no one empowered us to declare universally true. Just look at the diversity in this limited sample, BDSM is what the individuals need it to be.
Makes perfect sense to me. You explained it better than I did.

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Ack! Lest there be confusion, I was agreeing fully with you, Bunny.
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I think your post was just fine BiBunny.
Thank you both. I was afraid I'd rambled too much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeekMe View Post
I hope my OP was clear in that I wanted to hear about all of it. Don't do relationships? Awesome! Need a relationship with 12 people? Sweet! I'm happy to hear about it.

I suppose part of this was also looking at labels and how we use them for ourselves, or not. Labels certainly make writing a description easier, but there's often so much more behind it that isn't said. And if labels don't work at all, screw it.
Some of us are just special, label-less snowflakes. You know...like me.
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Old 12-11-2014, 06:21 PM   #15
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Yeah, but cute snowflakes!
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Old 12-11-2014, 07:01 PM   #16
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I currently have a dom. There is some level of protocol as far as titles and what not but so far it only exists during sex and as a general idea of knowing who is in charged. I don't think I could deal with not being able to speak freely but I like having little subtle orders and other things that we can do in front of people. But at the same time I am considering taking a long standing friends with benefits type of relationship more seriously. (All parties are aware of this!) That particular relationship is equal power wise but when we have sex it's always kinky and rough.

As far as the whole concept of being owned by someone, I have a lot of mixed and developing feelings about that. I am attracted to the idea of being in a structured relationship but maintaining a sense of independence is really important to me. It seems like there are a lot of unofficial rules about how things are "supposed" to be in D/s relationships, which is a little ridiculous to me since isn't this all essentially role play?

I love seeing all this diversity in approaches!
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Old 12-11-2014, 07:22 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiBunny View Post
I'm single by choice, and it is glorious.

I don't really want a relationship. (Or multiple ones, even, given my disdain for monogamy.)

Over the past couple of years, I've been moving toward the idea that I am, in fact, aromantic. I'm about 99.5% certain of it now. I babbled about it some in Stella's Queerness thread a while back, so I won't bore y'all with details again.

So, yeah, I'm aromantic but not asexual. When I wanna play, I do. (And my new-ish thing for pretty men is starting to border on ridiculous in the absolute best way possible. There's something about licking tears off the cheeks of a man who has the face of angel....)

*Ahem* Anyway....

I still retain all my sadomasochistic tendencies and have developed new ones to go along with them. I just no longer have any patience for BDSM, the Monolith. (I know y'all know what I'm talking about. I just lack the words to explain it at the moment.) There's just too much baggage and bullshit, and I have neither the time nor the inclination. That's one reason I don't go to places like FetLife anymore.

I also don't have the patience for labels or scenes or D/s or bondage or spankings or anything that has that creepy, clinically-detached feel to it. When I bother, I want it hard and intimate and brutal and visceral. It's more incredibly rough sex at this point than anything--though I suspect my definition of "rough sex" is considerably more fucked up than the common usage of the term.

I mean, that's not all I do, obviously, but that's as close as you're going to find me getting to kink nowadays.

Er...I just realized that some of this may sound insulting. I SWEAR, I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY. If you're into all this stuff that I'm not into, I'm super-happy for you, and I'm not looking down on you at all. It's just not for me, and it took a trip down one very long-ass road for me to figure it out.

I love you all, I swear!

ETA: I'm also sorry for how absurdly long this got.
You make perfect sense and write just enough
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Old 12-11-2014, 09:02 PM   #18
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I think your post was just fine BiBunny.

I hope my OP was clear in that I wanted to hear about all of it. Don't do relationships? Awesome! Need a relationship with 12 people? Sweet! I'm happy to hear about it.

I suppose part of this was also looking at labels and how we use them for ourselves, or not. Labels certainly make writing a description easier, but there's often so much more behind it that isn't said. And if labels don't work at all, screw it.
Well, in that case, I'll add that I'm bi but my preference for monogamy makes that complicated. In some ways, at some times, I think it would be nice to have a sister-sub, but I've heard so many stories about "2nds" attempting to change the dynamics, and two of my closest sub friends have lost their own relationships due to some presumptuous bitch worming her way in. Not cool! It's a want for me, not a need, so I'd rather do without than cause needless complications. And it seems to be tough to arrange short-term play dates. <sigh>
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Old 12-11-2014, 11:58 PM   #19
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I've been single for several years now. Two marriages and while both were fairly long term I was never really satisfied in either one. It wasn't until the last couple of years that I've realized why. Currently I have a slave/pet (long distance - online). We've been together for about 6 years now. He shivers when I pet him and I love having all of the control in our relationship. I've also recently found a Dom of my own (again long distance - phone). With Him I am completely submissive. All it takes is one hello from Him and I am at His feet needing only to please Him. Our relationship is still fairly new and we are still learning how we fit together. He sometimes finds it hard to believe I can be dom since I am so submissive to him, and yes he knows about my pet. While someday I would like to have relationships like these in my "real life" I have never felt as complete as I do right now. Both sides of my personality are being satisfied at the same time and I'm in heaven!
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Old 12-12-2014, 12:12 AM   #20
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Been single a couple of months *snivvles uncontrollably* Anyway...

I was a domme. He got us a headboard with bars and posts just for me to be able to cuff or tie him better to them. I put a mask on him and it restricted his speaking as well a bit, but also a gag, and my favorite thing to do was fire play on his torso. We only did it for a couple weeks though >.<
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Old 12-12-2014, 09:20 PM   #21
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I have two dominant men in my life and they drive me crazy. One will not back down to the other. It is like Lions fighting but mentally
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Old 12-13-2014, 04:38 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiBunny View Post


Some of us are just special, label-less snowflakes. You know...like me.
I think I'll keep you company in the snowflake category.

I'm married, we both like it kinky.
There are elements of power exchange but it's not something the whole relationship is structured around.
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:47 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAlthea View Post
I think I'll keep you company in the snowflake category.

I'm married, we both like it kinky.
There are elements of power exchange but it's not something the whole relationship is structured around.
This is something I can agree with.
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Old 12-13-2014, 12:26 PM   #24
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Hey, Meeks! *waves*

Im sexually submissive in a vanilla relationship. My SO is not into dominant sex, so Im working to get my needs met outside of the relationship. Im dominant outside the bedroom and have a strong caretaker aspect to my personality. Like Meeks, I handle money and house organization. My forte is crazy relatives. I also make most of the decisions.

Certain types of mild pain, and a few other things, arouse me. Submission doesnt come easy for me, on several levels, so I'm still struggling to work out my needs and wants.

What can I say? Im a work in progress.
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Old 12-13-2014, 01:25 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAlthea View Post
I think I'll keep you company in the snowflake category.

I'm married, we both like it kinky.
There are elements of power exchange but it's not something the whole relationship is structured around.
Let's turn this into a fuckin' blizzard
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