BDSM Discussion: Do's and Don'ts

My Do’s and Don't’s of kink. Im not sure i can describe this in 3 things. Do’s......1. Communication between Dom/sub is very important, 2. Consent of the submissive, or Dom is also very important to have, ....3. would be negotiation which i don't see as talked about here very often (maybe i have just missed it) but in other realms is very important. It is one of the most important do’s and is talked about considerably in the local scene because thats where subs and Doms talk and communicate and consent about whats to be done within a scene and just how far it might go and whats permitted or agreed upon by the submissive especially if its not a Dom and submissive that play together often or for sure on the first time to play.

We have a rule here that you as a Dom are not to go farther that what is negotiated before the scene, you can go less but you should not go more. For example, if sex was not called out to be in the scene and the submissive during the excitement decided she didn't care any more, a Dom might do less but he should not have sex included because that was not negotiated beforehand.

Negotiations helps keep any misunderstandings and accusing someone of doing something they did not do or someone was not expecting.

This is very important in some groups or clubs where accusations seem to fly about if anything is said or perceived by another in a misunderstanding.

A 4th I might include that I've talked with someone lately is aftercare. This is something that a submissive needs quite a bit especially after a exciting and or a heavy scene and is something like negotiation that didn't used to be included in all circles in the older days but is pretty much required these days.

Other things i would like to hear from people is ideas and thoughts about SSC and RACK.

Other than the morass that any discussion of SSC ["safe, sane and consensual"] typically seems to break down into as details come up and personal risk acceptance vs societal norm vs ... rears their ugly heads -

So general questions to consider. I don’t need answers, but I’d encourage you to think about answering them for your own self, not on the forum.


Learning before doing. Research, learn what resources there are out there, talk to other practitioners of that activity ideally in physical space. If you can find the right people, first time should be with someone who's been through that activity before & understand it well. If not, do NOT start out on a living target! (Which brings up...


Practice, practice, practice. And I do NOT mean on a living target! Can you turn a light switch on/off with your favorite flogger? Pick a chosen match out of a line of
head-on, side-by-side matches no more than 3 matchstick widths apart with a quirt or singletail? Worst case, how long does it take to get someone out of ropework/straps/velcro/etc you've put them in, and how do you KNOW that exact number? Does that number change depending on how much they're struggling/panicking? At what point in a strike can you cancel it without impacting the target, and how can you mitigate a strike's power if you're past that point when the safeword is used? [This point probably differs for most every kinetic toy in your toychest]


What safety gear do you have in your toy bag/chest/wall? What safety training do you have? CPR? First aid/first responder/other medical? Do you have a first aid ki or equivalent - and is it fully stocked? When'd you last check? What's fully stocked mean to you - what exact emergencies can you handle with it? If you play with rope or leather restraints, how do you plan on removing them if the restrained person panics? If you play with metal restraints, what do you do? Sanitary products - wipes, antiseptic, chlorox or the like? What CAN you wash in your toy bag and what can't you? If you can wash it, when did you last do so? If you can't, who do you use it with and how do you keep it clear if you have multiple copies of the same toy for different people?


Just my 2c

I'll answer in more detail later, but a word on safety. I keep a pair of first aid rescue scissors in the toy drawer, and a razor sharp assisted opening knife. It's not quite a switchblade, but it takes almost no effort to open. It easily cuts rope, even 10mm Kernmantle climbing rope and it will cut through a leather belt easily. I dont use steel restraints because she doesn't like them.

Play safe kids.

I'm not sire of your asking questions or answering them for the lady.

As for me i don't want to know of i can use a flogger to turn off or on a light switch, Thats not what i use them for, i don’t use a quirt or a single tail i believe i donated the ones i had to a auction to raise money for a couple of good causes,
I have been through a Mentors program so yes i have learned and talked to several real people and learned quite a bit from all of them,
every rope project is different including the up ties for suspension if it includes one so there is no definite time,
yes it could change if they are struggling,
yes a strike depends on the toy, to me being able to safely actually hear a safe word in a room with several players involved in doing different things i believe matters more, I and of you know when you can stop a strike with whatever toy you probably just think you can.
I have a well stocked safety kit want to judge it? i have been through a certified DM program that requires CPR testing and a restudy every two years on the CPR according to which I’ve used, pretty much have a couple of pairs of emt shears to cut any rope off a person that panics or passes out , do you have a marlin spike?whats that used for? if someone passes out when tied on a cross or similar item can you tell me what gets cut off first?
I usually go to a play space that has their own wipes with bottles mixed with water and Clorox to clean toys with, can you tell me what the safe mixture is? I have specially made bags for the toys i have and don't use on different people . Do you know what SSC means? Better yet do you know what RACK stands for? Which do you think is more useful now a days?

Never heard of RACK.

TANSTAAFL58 said:

I'll answer in more detail later, but a word on safety. I keep a pair of first aid rescue scissors in the toy drawer, and a razor sharp assisted opening knife. It's not quite a switchblade, but it takes almost no effort to open. It easily cuts rope, even 10mm Kernmantle climbing rope and it will cut through a leather belt easily. I dont use steel restraints because she doesn't like them.

Play safe kids.

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nice most dont know what a first aid kit is and even though your knife is sharp a set of emt shears or something that might not turn and cut the bottom is recommended.
I don't use metal restraints of any kind and my cross attachments are made of leather. Much easier to cut and for a person to hold their hands on.

This post is in response to PLP’s thread, FFS!

Don’t kink shame.

Don’t force your kink on others. I’m not into shit. Just because I’m not shaming you about it doesn’t mean I want your shit.

Don’t assume that because I’m submissive that I’m submissive to you. Don’t assume that because this is a sex site I feel sexual towards you. My signature says His.

Do communicate. Ask questions. Tall about limits. Have the hard conversions before the hard spanks.

If I don’t use my safe word, bring it. Yes.


Know what you’re doing before you practice risky behaviors such as choking or knife play. Please.

Sorry fara but RACK i learned about in chat here once a long time ago.

SSC ia safe but not everything is safe, sane but not everything we do it not sane, and consensual. RACK is Risk Aware Consensual, Kink

Knoturnal said:

Sorry fara but RACK i learned about in chat here once a long time ago.

SSC ia safe but not everything is safe, sane but not everything we do it not sane, and consensual. RACK is Risk Aware Consensual, Kink

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Oh. I do all that without the acronyms.

Kids these days.

sorry, i was not referring to you at all except my last post. I have never forced anything on anyone.
I dont know if people are answering the lady's questions of trying to tell others what to do.
it is always good to tell if you know a safe way most people do something. This is the only place i have ever been to-differ on that.

oh and i could care less on who you are submissive to or to who any of your friends are submissive to. I do not wish to be kinky with any of you.

Where you got any ideas like that they were a mistaken idea in someones head space as i have stated before.

sorry but my approximate age is stated in the greeting thread in the stickies.

You have tried to shame me before and sorry if I
take it that way every time I'm talked to. Don't start it and i wont feel like responding to it.

Knoturnal said:

sorry, i was not referring to you at all except my last post. I have never forced anything on anyone.
I dont know if people are answering the lady's questions of trying to tell others what to do.
it is always good to tell if you know a safe way most people do something. This is the only place i have ever been to-differ on that.

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I was answering PLP’s questions from my perspective.

Knoturnal said:

I'm not sire of your asking questions or answering them for the lady.

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sorry, I’d meant them as things to think about, not specific questions I wanted answered by you. I’ve edited my response to hopefully make that clearer. Thank you for your answers anyways!

yes a strike depends on the toy, to me being able to safely actually hear a safe word in a room with several players involved in doing different things i believe matters more, I and of you know when you can stop a strike with whatever toy you probably just think you can.

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I was trying to provide some things I thought were important, not everything that’s important. I’d mentally bundled safewords, communication,negotiating boundaries etc. all as things covered in PrettylilPussy’s original post.

Yes, you’re right, safewords are very important. In a scene with someone new, I make sure to have them practice a word that rhymes with their safe word, or a gesture that’s like but different than their safe gesture if their mouth is at all obstructed.

Most kinetic toys can be redirected in flight. In addition, even after the point where you can no longer prevent a hit, pushing the striking hand away from the striker’s body saps some or all of the blow’s force. This is much like its opposite, pulling the striking hand in to increase impact.

I have a well stocked safety kit want to judge it? i have been through a certified DM program that requires CPR testing and a restudy every two years on the CPR according to which I’ve used, pretty much have a couple of pairs of emt shears to cut any rope off a person that panics or passes out , do you have a marlin spike?whats that used for?

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Marlin spikes are used to loosen knots that have gotten tugged to the point where it’s difficult or impractical to untie them. That the knots took the pressure and not the ropes is frankly a sign that the person who did the rigging needs to learn better bdsm ropework, IMO.

if someone passes out when tied on a cross or similar item can you tell me what gets cut off first?

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assuming rope or leather bonds, dykes/safety shears to remove bindings from floor up, typically to waist or arms, then down from above. Devil’s in the details, some complex rigs my need different releases to be safe. Metal needs bolt cutters or the like, and gets riskier, which is one reason I don’t use meal bindings except as decoration/mind play. Never as restrictions or weight bearing by themselves.

I usually go to a play space that has their own wipes with bottles mixed with water and Clorox to clean toys with, can you tell me what the safe mixture is?

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Varies depending on material, typically not less than 5 water to,one chlorox.

I have specially made bags for the toys i have and don't use on different people .

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great answer assuming you only play with one person at a time. I use individual bags and latex paint markers for that reason.

Do you know what SSC means? Better yet do you know what RACK stands for? Which do you think is more useful now a days?

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Safe/sane/consensual & risk aware , consensual kink. Personally I think either can be a useful first order answer to prevent LOTS of problems. I know camps that believe strongly one way or the other, it’s almost an ibm vs apple religious war imo. Neither are imo perfect, but they’re a great starting point!

Hope this helps clarify my take in things.

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink? How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc. Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier? How have these evolved over time?

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Number one don't for me is..Don't pull hits I get all tingly to end up with a slap that feels like a game a child would play.
Don't make me top from the bottom. If you are calling yourself a Master or a Dom you know what to do,more so after the limits and safety chitchat,if I'm giving you lip you aren't working hard enough or it's just not working.
Do give me alone time afterwards,I need that time to compose myself after a scene then I'll seek comfort.. or not.

My personal style was developed youngish, I thought for a very long time what I wanted wasn't right it took a long time for me to come to terms with good sex to me means tears,pain and blood loss.
I have tried more affectionate DD/lg relationships,they lack the force and pain I need to stay satisfied. I'm not shaming on it at all, more power to the Dom's and subs that can function without the harder side. Sometimes I wish I could to.

Knoturnal said:

nice most dont know what a first aid kit is and even though your knife is sharp a set of emt shears or something that might not turn and cut the bottom is recommended.
I don't use metal restraints of any kind and my cross attachments are made of leather. Much easier to cut and for a person to hold their hands on.

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In an emergency, the EMT shears would be the first choice. The knife is a last resort, for example if I for some reason only had one hand free.

As much as I love the feel, I'm even re-thinking metal cock rings. I size them so that I can get a finger or two in between the ring and my flaccid penis. When I'm erect I get the enjoyment out of them with that fit. I know lots of people go as tight as they can. Do you know how hard it is to cut stainless steel? It's awful stuff to work with.

TANSTAAFL58 said:

As much as I love the feel, I'm even re-thinking metal cock rings. I size them so that I can get a finger or two in between the ring and my flaccid penis. When I'm erect I get the enjoyment out of them with that fit. I know lots of people go as tight as they can. Do you know how hard it is to cut stainless steel? It's awful stuff to work with.

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Two options at this review - silicone lasso and magnet-latching steel cock ring. There are also mechanical latching metal cockrings out there but I'd generally not reccomend those unless you & your partners are all slick & hairless, pulling pubes isn't everyone's version of fun sexplay.

Someone I have played with had a magnet close steel cockring and swore it never accidentally released, don't know if it was this model or another. I've never used one, though.

Knoturnal said:

sorry, i was not referring to you at all except my last post. I have never forced anything on anyone.
I dont know if people are answering the lady's questions of trying to tell others what to do.
it is always good to tell if you know a safe way most people do something. This is the only place i have ever been to-differ on that.

oh and i could care less on who you are submissive to or to who any of your friends are submissive to. I do not wish to be kinky with any of you.

Where you got any ideas like that they were a mistaken idea in someones head space as i have stated before.

sorry but my approximate age is stated in the greeting thread in the stickies.

You have tried to shame me before and sorry if I
take it that way every time I'm talked to. Don't start it and i wont feel like responding to it.

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I’m not talking to you unless I quote you.

I’m answering her questions. Please learn message board etiquette before you post.


I’m talking to you now: unless I quote you or use your name I’m not talking to you.

Jesus Christ, get a clue.

AlwaysFara said:

I’m not talking to you unless I quote you.

I’m answering her questions. Please learn message board etiquette before you post.


I’m talking to you now: unless I quote you or use your name I’m not talking to you.

Jesus Christ, get a clue.

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Sorry but from what I can see your answering questions like your talking to someone and it doesn't matter to me who your “trying” to talk to. Probably just a difference between languages but if you say “Don’t “ and “Do” before you say most things it seems less like your answering the questions and that instead your telling someone what to do or not to do.

And if you say you don't know what something is like RACK but you practice it even when you don't know what it actually means, how is that accomplished? How is anyone to know what your talking about?

Get your own clues and try not acting like your such a bad ass because it sure looks like the opposite when you bring your friends to a thread to talk with you and try to gang up on someone like as I've seen you do in the past.

Kids these days .....hell yes.

If you speak a different language then i understand. I doubt the translation is good here. This program that runs the board is over 20 years old and even in the BDSM Library some things don't look like they have been updated for years. Things change. Get used to it if your not already. The only constant in life IS change.
Jesus H.

Knoturnal said:

Sorry but from what I can see your answering questions like your talking to someone and it doesn't matter to me who your “trying” to talk to. Probably just a difference between languages but if you say “Don’t “ and “Do” before you say most things it seems less like your answering the questions and that instead your telling someone what to do or not to do.

And if you say you don't know what something is like RACK but you practice it even when you don't know what it actually means, how is that accomplished? How is anyone to know what your talking about?

Get your own clues and try not acting like your such a bad ass because it sure looks like the opposite when you bring your friends to a thread to talk with you and try to gang up on someone like as I've seen you do in the past.

Kids these days .....hell yes.

If you speak a different language then i understand. I doubt the translation is good here. This program that runs the board is over 20 years old and even in the BDSM Library some things don't look like they have been updated for years. Things change. Get used to it if your not already. The only constant in life IS change.
Jesus H.

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Go away. Please don’t respond to me. I just took you off ignore and my post about my Do’s and Don’ts have nothing to do with you.
I was answering the thread.

Knoturnal said:

Sorry but from what I can see your answering questions like your talking to someone and it doesn't matter to me who your “trying” to talk to. Probably just a difference between languages but if you say “Don’t “ and “Do” before you say most things it seems less like your answering the questions and that instead your telling someone what to do or not to do.

And if you say you don't know what something is like RACK but you practice it even when you don't know what it actually means, how is that accomplished? How is anyone to know what your talking about?

Get your own clues and try not acting like your such a bad ass because it sure looks like the opposite when you bring your friends to a thread to talk with you and try to gang up on someone like as I've seen you do in the past.

Kids these days .....hell yes.

If you speak a different language then i understand. I doubt the translation is good here. This program that runs the board is over 20 years old and even in the BDSM Library some things don't look like they have been updated for years. Things change. Get used to it if your not already. The only constant in life IS change.
Jesus H.

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...And it’s YOU’RE!!!

AlwaysFara said:

...And it’s YOU’RE!!!

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*adds Fara to her current crush list*

Moochienanu said:

*adds Fara to her current crush list*

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You’ve always been on mine. You’re sweet, and you handled yourself, and the crowd, beautifully on Honey’s “little” thread.

AlwaysFara said:

You’ve always been on mine. You’re sweet, and you handled yourself, and the crowd, beautifully on Honey’s “little” thread.

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Thanks, Lovely. I still feel a bit like I failed there, but at the same time, I feel good with what I said.

I have instant swoon for grammatically-minded humans. It’s a weakness I admit to rather openly.

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink? How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc. Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier? How have these evolved over time?

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I guess my #1 is research. I tend to do that with everything though. I want to know the hows, the whys, the risks, other people's experiences, the potential damages, the possible payoffs... everything.

I'm not sure on the others. Something to think about.

AlwaysFara said:

...And it’s YOU’RE!!!

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Glad you got that right.
You know when all you have to flame is a spelling mistake then you already lost the argument.

When you have someone on ignore all you have to do to read a post is click one time so not much of an ignore to me.
if you can see I posted in a thread and come back to make a comment then thats not much of a ignore either.

I thought I was on ignore a long time ago or at least that is what you said. No problems. Maybe i should put you on ignore lol