Are there others like me?

I am seeking discussion on something. I have felt a bit isolated and ashamed. I've developed tastes and desires later in life, (Nearly 50) that have me wondering if I just need therapy.

I have always had an overactive libido. My wife is a few years older than me and we began 15 years ago as Dominant (me) and submissive (her). I always had the tendencies of a Switch, however, and we would play back and forth.

In the last few years, she has had both a heart attack and a stroke. She survived both and is doing well, all things considered. My devotion to her and hers to me, has sern us through many emotions and crisis moments.

Because I still have my overactive libido and she, by virtue of her heart and diabetes has virtually no libido, we came to... An arrangement. She knew masturbation alone was not enough for me, so we developed a permanent Dominant (her) and submissive (me) situation.

She has me wear panties and sometimes other frilly things as she talks me through fantasies of various sorts. Sometimes it gets intense. My heart flutters when she kisses me and says, "Cum, Princess. " I've even become deeply bisexual in the fantasies.

Dressed in my panties, I have had these intense cum sessions to thoughts of being seen and played with by other men. And in our play outside the home, though we don't physically play with others, she has whispered to me about watching both men and women and even allows me to call her on work breaks to talk dirty to me and instruct me to edge for her.

Recently this escalated to me coming home with my panties wet because of the guy I saw wearing a speedo and riding his bike. I still fantasize about women and only want to physically be with my wife. But the panties, pet names, and fantasy is so intense that sometimes I ferl dirty, ashamed, and confused.

I need advice.

You have a wonderful woman and a wonderful situation. There is nothing here to be ashamed of.

Except that, for some of us, shame itself can be erotic. Is that the situation for you? It can be very confusing when you first experience it, but again, nothing in itself to be ashamed of.

I can't say more unless/until you express more clearly what it is you are ashamed of, and what you need.

liqueur said:

You have a wonderful woman and a wonderful situation. There is nothing here to be ashamed of.

Except that, for some of us, shame itself can be erotic. Is that the situation for you? It can be very confusing when you first experience it, but again, nothing in itself to be ashamed of.

I can't say more unless/until you express more clearly what it is you are ashamed of, and what you need.

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I think, mostly, that it is the idea that these fantasies and the things she allows are selfish on my part, coupled with the whole "normalcy of abnormal behavior" ...thing. and, frankly, yes... Sometimes the shame enhances the intensity. I like when she telks me what a slut I am, or makes me taste my own cum while imagining another man. I feel dirty, and needy, and i like it. And that's what bothers me.

midlifecrisispanties said:

I think, mostly, that it is the idea that these fantasies and the things she allows are selfish on my part, coupled with the whole "normalcy of abnormal behavior" ...thing.

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I don't understand why you think it's selfish, if you're both enjoying it. It certainly sounds as if she is. In my experience, the degree of imagination she is showing in this dynamic is virtually impossible if the person it not enjoying the situation. But there's such a simple solution to that question—ask her.

"Abnormal" has many meanings, depending on who's using the word.
Etymologically, it means "not normal." But "normal" in this circumstance means "conforming to the norms of the cultural context." Cultural context is the tripwire here. The standards of the area you live in and the people you associate with can vary wildly. I'm guessing the very fact that you use this word means that so far as you know, other people around you don't behave this way. But every culture has many subcultures, and in the culture of BDSM which, knowingly or unknowingly, you are now entering into, these behaviors are quite "normal."

Psychologically speaking, it means either (a) "average," or (b) "free of mental disorder."

• Who wants to be average?
• S & M, dominance & submission, and similar kinks were once considered psychological disorders, because of ignorance and prejudice. They have been expunged from the DSM for 25 years.

.... and, frankly, yes... Sometimes the shame enhances the intensity. I like when she tells me what a slut I am, or makes me taste my own cum while imagining another man. I feel dirty, and needy, and i like it. And that's what bothers me.

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Ah. That's quite a rabbit hole you're going down. I know from experience how dizzying and confusing it can be at first. I can only give you the advice I wish someone had given me, back then: Relish it. Roll in it. Embrace your shame, and the erotic charge it gives you, as if it were the very lifeline to your sexuality. Love it.

liqueur said:

I don't understand why you think it's selfish, if you're both enjoying it. It certainly sounds as if she is. In my experience, the degree of imagination she is showing in this dynamic is virtually impossible if the person it not enjoying the situation. But there's such a simple solution to that question—ask her.

"Abnormal" has many meanings, depending on who's using the word.
Etymologically, it means "not normal." But "normal" in this circumstance means "conforming to the norms of the cultural context." Cultural context is the tripwire here. The standards of the area you live in and the people you associate with can vary wildly. I'm guessing the very fact that you use this word means that so far as you know, other people around you don't behave this way. But every culture has many subcultures, and in the culture of BDSM which, knowingly or unknowingly, you are now entering into, these behaviors are quite "normal."

Psychologically speaking, it means either (a) "average," or (b) "free of mental disorder."

• Who wants to be average?
• S & M, dominance & submission, and similar kinks were once considered psychological disorders, because of ignorance and prejudice. They have been expunged from the DSM for 25 years.

Ah. That's quite a rabbit hole you're going down. I know from experience how dizzying and confusing it can be at first. I can only give you the advice I wish someone had given me, back then: Relish it. Roll in it. Embrace your shame, and the erotic charge it gives you, as if it were the very lifeline to your sexuality. Love it.

Click to expand...

Thank you.