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Old 12-28-2017, 12:12 PM   #1
CoyoteMittens
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But a Big Dream - Chapter 1

Hey folks! So I started a story about a month ago, posted a couple of chapters, but then I decided I needed to let things breathe a bit more, and then I greatly expanded the first chapter. It's just been updated on the site!

https://www.literotica.com/s/but-a-big-dream

Any comments, compliments, criticisms, whatever, completely welcome (but I'm new to this, so maybe be a bit gentle).

Happy Holidays!
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Old 12-28-2017, 10:05 PM   #2
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Coyote,

You've got an interesting premise but for me it gets lost in the, not sure how best to describe it, 'over writing'. There's so much going on in every sentence that I'm exhausted trying to work out what's actually happening. It's as if you want to say, I'm erudite, I'm intelligent, look at what I can do with my writing. But it tries too hard, I think (and this from someone who is often accused of over-writing myself). Dial it back, maybe, don't pile it on so much.

Someone wrote just the day that he liked how I used the word 'balustrade' because it was the perfect word for what I was describing. What you do, I think, is describe the whole wrought-iron rail, with its elegant use of Art-Nouveau motifs which conjure up visions of the Paris Metro, and there's the Melies' steam train pulling into the station; whereas what we both meant was, "she leaned on the balcony rail."

Something like that. I do like the erudition and the widely read cultural and mythic knowledge that you obviously have, but sometimes, less is more, you know?
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Old 12-28-2017, 10:15 PM   #3
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Ha, thanks. I was always taught never to defend myself in the face of criticism, just to simply nod and say "thank you."

*nod*

Thank you!
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Old 12-28-2017, 10:18 PM   #4
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I agree with electric blue. You obviously had lot of fun with your wordplay. Much of it is very clever, and certainly creative. But for me, it got in the way of the narrative and my ability to relate to the characters.
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Old 12-28-2017, 10:20 PM   #5
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One begins to sense a common theme here.
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Old 12-29-2017, 01:18 AM   #6
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I'd like the erudition. My main problem was that nothing...was...happening. It keep going on and on describing what could be summarized as"she left the beach and went to her hotel room.". My favorite writing advice is to start your story just before something interest happens. Nothing interesting happened in what I read of your story, I got distracted and never came back to it.
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Old 12-29-2017, 01:33 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8letters View Post
I'd like the erudition. My main problem was that nothing...was...happening. It keep going on and on describing what could be summarized as"she left the beach and went to her hotel room.". My favorite writing advice is to start your story just before something interest happens. Nothing interesting happened in what I read of your story, I got distracted and never came back to it.
Thanks for your honesty! I confess, I'm hoping somebody actually liked what I wrote, but I'm glad so many people were kind enough to give me their true feelings.
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Old 12-29-2017, 03:36 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8letters View Post
I'd like the erudition. My main problem was that nothing...was...happening. It keep going on and on describing what could be summarized as"she left the beach and went to her hotel room.".
Like Proust, only with gods and beaches.
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Old 12-29-2017, 04:05 AM   #9
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I'm going to agree with what's already been said. You say a whole lot, but nothing is being said.
Like the first paragraph, a nice chunk of writing, but I have no idea what you're trying to even say. The sun was out, then went down?
'Sunlight, the Pacific variety, was always death for her. Maybe something to do with her name—but probably not. Late in the day, when her skin glowed and released its stored warmth, freckles coming into existence over her nose like the stars above the horizon, then she felt tied to the earth itself, its titanic history. The sun sizzled to a puddle on the horizon, with the wind pushing the palms and music coming from the beachside hotels—and she had a notion that she had witnessed the last and only sunset. On this otherwise non-descript day, on this otherwise non-descript beach. As if atom bombs were going off in the distance.'
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Old 12-29-2017, 11:52 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CoyoteMittens View Post
Thanks for your honesty! I confess, I'm hoping somebody actually liked what I wrote, but I'm glad so many people were kind enough to give me their true feelings.
I liked your style a lot and I don't think I've seen like it on LitE before. In my stories, my first scene is generally between the two people who are going to wind up fucking so readers can start getting emotionally involved with them right away. Your story had these great descriptions of characters, but I felt like each of them was a throw away, never to be seen again. So I didn't get emotionally involved with them and consequently, I didn't get emotionally involved with your story. If you had gotten your plot going earlier, I think I would have been hooked.
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Old 12-29-2017, 11:56 AM   #11
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"In my stories, my first scene is generally between the two people who are going to wind up fucking so readers can start getting emotionally involved with them right away."

Haha, well, that's actually true for my story, too (but I'm taking my time getting there).
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Old 12-30-2017, 01:13 AM   #12
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So today I was thinking about my feedback to you and I think it is probably just me. I have aspergers so I need direct to the point details, not flowery fancy details, so that could be why I got lost trying to read and comprehend what you were trying to say.
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Old 12-30-2017, 01:15 AM   #13
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No, seems to be a common opinion. But thanks for thinking it over!
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