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Old 12-24-2017, 08:46 PM   #1
CoffeeWithMonkeys
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Smile Anyone want to give me some feedback?

I was gone for a few months, came back and submitted a couple stories. The first one has okay ratings, no comments yet, but seems to be staying around 4.5X so I can't complain.
The one posted today has no comments and only a couple ratings. And yeah I get that it is is Christmas Eve so people are busy, but wondering if it's the story. I really like this story. It's one I wrote a couple years ago, went back to it recently and I really like it! Just wondering if anyone sees any blatnat issues with it that I'm missing.
Thanks! Here's the link.
https://www.literotica.com/s/my-street-musician
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Old 12-24-2017, 09:02 PM   #2
Alice_Rosaleen
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Street Cred

I read and commented just now actually. I loved it and found your characters relatable. Maybe write something new and look back at it again to see if your perspective changes. Don't over think it now though :-)
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Old 12-25-2017, 12:41 AM   #3
Sailor_Witch
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Love your online name! That would be a good descriptor of much of my life. Happy holidays to you. I have only started to read your story, but I wanted to say that I'm finding it hard to keep the characters straight. I don't know who is talking/telling the story.

I like that you didn't start with describing each character in detail though. I find that tedious in most stories I read. I'll let you know my thoughts as I read more...

BTW, thanks for writing and sharing...
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Old 12-25-2017, 01:28 AM   #4
CoffeeWithMonkeys
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Thanks for the comment

And I guess this story can be confusing at first keeping track and figuring out the characters. I wrote this from a dream I had, not ever really planning on ever sharing it, but then read it the other day and really enjoyed it so I thought I would share it.
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Old 12-27-2017, 12:45 AM   #5
yukonnights
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I just finished reading it and enjoyed it. I don't usually care for the first person point of view, but in this case it kept me interested...probably because you used the technique to concentrate on exploring the main character's thoughts/feelings. The other characters served more as props for this exploration, which it seems to me was the main point of the story. I think the the thing I enjoyed the most was the intimate peek into the mind of an introverted young woman...it seemed authentic and believable. Not sure when you wrote this, or what time period it took place in...but the references and the chaotic lifestyle brought back memories of when these things were pretty common. Plus, I'm just a sucker for love stories with a happy ending
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Old 12-27-2017, 01:08 PM   #6
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It could just be me, but your beginning where you use short sentences in present tense with first person made me cringe. Nails-on-a-chalkboard cringe. I'm not a fan of present tense in stories, but it really bothered me in this one.

Your story starts immediately with dialogue, which I like. But I felt like you needed to start working in descriptions fairly early in the story. I would have liked at least a thumbnail sketch of Spencer, Mara and Amber. People complain that I want too much explanation and you were obviously trying for a minimum amount of description, so I can see why you might have decided to not provide the type of description. However, I think your dialog would have worked much better if you had provided some descriptions of facial gestures, body language and how things were said. Your story is more like a play script and you're expecting the actors to bring the characters to life, so your story never does.

One thing that I flopped:
Quote:
"Aren't you just a ray of sunshine tonight," he says to me. "Let's get her laid. I think it's been way too long," he says to Amanda.
The "Let's get her laid" appears to be a continuation of the prior dialogue, which threw me for a loop. The "to Amanda" has to go before that sentence for it to make any sense.

When Mara's checking out the guitar player, your story jumps to another level of interesting. Almost magical. Your writing in that section is a much different style and that style worked for me.

Then your story goes back into play-script mode and it's just not an enjoyable read. I slogged a little more and then gave up.
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:08 PM   #7
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"You could just meet him," Spencer says for about the millionth time.

Solid opening.

"No. Just forget about it. I don't want to be set up with anyone. I don't care who it is," I tell him for probably the millionth time.

Not sure why, but it feels stronger to say.

And I, for about the millionth time, told him. "No. Just forget about it..."

"So what are we doing tonight?" Amanda asks us.


I'm starting to crave a setting to put these characters in. Where are we? Who's there? How many?

"Aren't you just a ray of sunshine tonight," he says to me. "Let's get her laid. I think it's been way too long," he says to Amanda.

I think "he says" suffices. Don't need to know who he's talking to.

I go find my sandals and sit on my bed to put them on. Why is Spencer so insistent about me meeting his friend. He's tried to a couple times before, but I'm not interested. I'm really picky. Maybe. Or maybe I just want to be free to do what I want.

Missing a question mark, I think. Also you already said this was for the millionth time, so we don't need to know he's already tried this before. Also, this feels a little tell-y.

Amanda pokes her head in my room. "Are you ready, Spencer is starving," she says and laughs.

Feel like we're missing a question mark again.

"Yeah, give me a minute," I reply.

Cut the "I reply."

Some thoughts off the top of my head, but I'm enjoying it!
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Old 12-29-2017, 04:14 AM   #8
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Thanks to everyone that has read, or tried to read my story. I really do appreciate all the different feedback.

Isn't it funny how some of us prefer first person, and others can't stand it. I don't like to read anything but first person so I guess that's why I write that way.

I do agree it could have used at least a setting in the first part, when I first wrote this story, it was just for me, and then I let my friend read it and she enjoyed it.

I sometimes feel like I go into too much detail(showing signs of my aspergers) so I make it a point to not go into detail and then I think my story is lacking. I know what the setting is, what the characters look like, but I fail to put it in a story because I'm afraid I'll go into too much detail.

Mara is so much me. So writing about her here was easy since I just wrote how I would think and feel. I may go back and develop this character more in this story, and add more details.
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Old 12-29-2017, 06:36 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CoffeeWithMonkeys View Post
Thanks to everyone that has read, or tried to read my story. I really do appreciate all the different feedback.

Isn't it funny how some of us prefer first person, and others can't stand it. I don't like to read anything but first person so I guess that's why I write that way.

I do agree it could have used at least a setting in the first part, when I first wrote this story, it was just for me, and then I let my friend read it and she enjoyed it.

I sometimes feel like I go into too much detail(showing signs of my aspergers) so I make it a point to not go into detail and then I think my story is lacking. I know what the setting is, what the characters look like, but I fail to put it in a story because I'm afraid I'll go into too much detail.

Mara is so much me. So writing about her here was easy since I just wrote how I would think and feel. I may go back and develop this character more in this story, and add more details.
Just to let you know; I didn't have any trouble at all with 'lack of detail' or with following the opening and getting acquainted with the characters. Actually, I found it refreshing and interesting. As I said before, it was an interesting peek into a young women's world. I think the honesty with which you wrote is what makes it work.
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